happy halloween

so, halloween really isn't my favorite holiday...but the kids get excited, so we do it. i have some work to do to get their costumes together today and hopefully, it'll all go off without a hitch.

n will be the phantom of the opera. s is going for a jawa and i hope we're able to pull it off.... o will be a ninja (which i know he's been in previous years, but he reminded me he was a knight last year and a bumble bee the year before, so i guess maybe i shouldn't argue with an eight year old who KNOWS STUFF....). e wants to be a ninja, but i might see if he wants to wear a spiderman costume we have or maybe even o's old bumble bee costume.

i want N to be the christine to n's phantom, but n says if dad wears a dress, the deal's off, so i guess not.... i'll have to figure something easy out for him. usually, i just buy him horns and a tail and make him a devil and then, of course, i wear wings and a halo....hehe i figure he must like it if it doesn't motivate him to make something up for us... :)

quick question... what is spam? i realize it probably doesn't really COST anyone to mail me advertisements for viagra and penile implants....but WHY do they do it? are there really people out there hoping for some help in the genital enhancement department that check their email just WAITING for help to come along? do they really get customers that way? because really, sometimes i feel like they just do it to remind me the world is still really screwed up in some places. i mean, yeah, we're at war...but there are still people that must email anyone and everyone about larger breasts, penises, and sexual dysfunction medications. i mean, for the record, i find spam as annoying as telemarketers. well, i'm sure telemarketers as people are wonderful people...but the actual JOB and the way it impacts my life...completely annoying.

a girlfriend told me the other night it sounded like i have a dementor (think harry potter) over my house. and maybe it's because i started the conversation with "do you ever feel like all the hope is being sucked out of the world?"..... she reminded me i needed to cast my patronus. i wonder what shape it would take? probably a turtle...just like that sea turtle in hawaii that made my world a little larger and turned my perspective around on being blessed or even lucky....

alright, this was a total ramble-fest. milk shakes for breakfast and the woman can't even keep a train of thought.... i must watch my sugar intake today, i must watch my sugar intake today... :)
happy halloween....(insert vincent price's laugh from the end of the thriller song here)
peace

welcome punkin and a little philosophy

my sister got a new dog yesterday. i think that since things with her ex are kind of really over, and since her ex has the two dogs they adopted when they were together, my sister was ready for a new dog. she got the cutest little girl from a rescue agency. she's so pretty, but my sister says she's pretty skittish. sister actually skipped her linear algebra class this morning to go hang with baby punkin. she says punkin looks like she's going to be a fairly large girl... good, then tallulah won't be the only big one in the family anymore.... so welcome punkin girl....i happen to know you've got a great mama....

so, it was a pretty rough weekend over here. there was a lot of drama at work for N.... it's a weird line interns walk in the world of residents. a lot of people yesterday told him, "shit runs downhill and since you're the low man on the totem pole..." not quite inspiring, but i suppose it was offered more as comfort or support than inspiration. N's a good man...he can learn from his mistakes. (well, more readily when they're mistakes made at work than at home, but this is not about throwing him under a bus....at least not right now...wink) and he knows there are ways he failed the situation at work over the weekend, failed himself, even failed the mama that the situation centered on. but he WAS the low man on the totem pole. (still is) and those above him sure failed him. one resident in particular. and though i think it was comforting to N that so many let him know he was screwed by this one other doctor, it was also uncomfortable to him. because righteousness can be a very powerful tool....one that can be used for things that are not right in themselves, and therefore one he inherently knew was not his to wield.

N has lessons to learn from this, no matter who screwed up MORE. and it's almost kind of cowardly that all these other people have come forward NOW to speak out against this other doc. and N really doesn't need to be distracted right now....he just learned some big fucking lessons, and doesn't need to lose them to some feeding frenzy of people jumping on the coattails of what he went through this weekend. i don't know.

the doc screwed up--there's no doubt in my mind about it. and i was pretty pissed off sunday morning when N came home telling the tale through tears of anger and frustration and, i'm sure, disappointment. but he'd also been at the hospital for 29 hours straight without sleep. and that will fuck with anyone, whether they've had a shitty day or not. and like i told N last night, so many people were offering their hands yesterday, and some of them have been just as stand offish or crappy as the doc who let N down this weekend. anyway.... i don't want to point fingers and i don't want to be suspicious of those who were trying to support N through this. but it's done. the mama who left a.m.a. was called back and had an emergency c-section because of the severe eclampsia she developed. all there is left to do is learn from it. (well, for the team...mama and baby still have a ways to go) and it does no one any benefit to speak badly of them unless you have some suggestions for how to improve or support to offer as they try to improve themselves.

i think some of our friends out here think N and i are big babies for taking this one situation so hard and spending so much time on it. and maybe we are. but what i know is that N and i live our lives with integrity as we see it. it's our lives, our energy, our commitment. and, frankly, i'm tired of putting my emotions in some great cosmic balance to see whether they're ok or not. i can sympathize and empathize with others' situations without diminishing or devaluing my own or even someone else's.

i have more to say on this, but it's a tuesday, and tuesdays are busy for us, so it'll have to wait...
peace

oh thank god

i have just finished an editting process of my whole blog. we went down to initials instead of names and it took FOREVER... (please, if you know of an easier way to edit a whole blog, DON'T tell me what it is for at least another week)

but i read almost the whole blog today and i have to mention some observations...1. i talk about drinking an awful lot. 2. i think i have no less than three blogs titled some variation of left foot, right foot, and then at least a couple more that that is the first line so 3. i kind of sound like a virtual drunk perpetually taking a field sobriety test....

alright, school days only half done for us. they're sneaking in another viewing of the princess bride....back to work! ("you keep saying that word...i do not think it means what you think it means")

anybody want a peanut?
peas

tag, tagged, will tag

People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves on their blog and post the rules as well. At the end of their blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. when i was a kid, i had a seizure disorder. i outgrew it by the time i was 12 or so...

2. i was on the pep squad, high kick team, and drill team in high school. (i didn't do any of it my senior year...my boyfriend's bestfriend described me that year as a "cheerleader gone bad"...) (still surprises ME that i did it)

3. i took a poetry class with poetess naomi shihab nye in elementary school and she liked one of my poems so well that she published it (it was about my dad)

4. i worked for years, before i was a mama, with kids with disabilities. i worked at a summer camp and the school for the blind in austin, tx. i've always had an easier time in relationships that are not readily defined in this culture, and kids with different disabilities definitely get a little freedom there...

5. i really like roller coasters

6. i have big feet--size 9.5

7. i have been an indigo girls fan since i was 14 years old.

i will come back and edit who i'm tagging... i don't think i really even know seven bloggers well enough to tag...

breathing and appreciating

house guest left today. he was not a bad person. a month was just a long time. it was a huge weight off when he left.

i cleaned today. i should probably smudge a little, too. i did not run and i ate n's leftover chicken fettuccine alfredo...doh.

N is on call today. he was already tired at 7pm. only thirteen more hours to go... it breaks my heart to see him so tired. it fills my heart that he's doing it. i think my heart gets worn out sometimes.

o scored his first goal this season today. he is not a goal scorer. he is a goal assistor. he was totally on the down low about the whole scoring thing. i, on the other hand, was almost strutting. it was exciting. but more so for me than him. i think he was thinking, "geez mom, i've had fun all season...why are you making such a big deal out of today?" he's so much more mature than i....

e is as stubborn as n. today n told e if he had a bad attitude, he wouldn't get any mac and cheese (that n was making). so e showed him...he didn't touch the mac and cheese. even after n almost begged him to eat it. (well, he took a tiny nibble when n wasn't watching)

i talked to my sister tonight. she constantly amazes me what a wonderful person she is. her ex-girlfriend won't do a long distance relationship. for the first time in my sister's life, she is committed to finishing school. i realize her ex is committed to remaining sober, and i respect that. so does my sister. but it's kind of sad that her ex can't respect that my sister's committed, too. a year later, things will be fine. but i think my sis's heart is already broken. but it's been broken a few times before, and they say breaks heal even stronger than before...so her heart is STRONG.....

n takes care of me. he gives me massages and makes me laugh. i am happy for him to get his room back.

s gives me hope in the world because he remains so positive about things...and he's so damned reasonable about it, too. he's an old soul....

o is like his dad, another sunshine. he lights up the world and people smile just because he's smiling.

e is a clever little elf. i hope he doesn't turn to the dark side on us all.... :)

peace to you, tonight, N. i hope it's an easy night...easy births, easy passages, easy labors...

i'm waiting for back to the future to end and then i need to feed my girls. then, i am GOING TO BED.... it's amazing how different the house feels with just my family in it...

peace

a little light

these are kind of random, but they are things that have sustained me through a tough month... well, they haven't exactly sustained me all month, but i have made it through a month with beauty like this gracing me. here's the first writing in the parent's tao te ching...

1. Words of Life

You can speak to your children of life,
but your words are not life itself.
You can show them what you see,
but your showing and their seeing
are forever different things.

You cannot speak to them of Divinity itself.
But you can share with them
the millions of manifestations of this Reality
arrayed before them every moment.
Since these manifestations have their origin in the Tao,
the visible will reveal the invisible to them.

Don't mistake your desire to talk for their readiness to listen.
Far more important are the wordless truths they learn from you.
If you take delight in the ordinary wonders of life,
they will feel the depth of your pleasure
and learn to experience joy.
If you walk with them in the darkness of life's mysteries
you will open the gate to understanding.
They will learn to see in the darkness and not be afraid.

and then this, a friend sent to me (after another friend had sent it to her...God is on the move, i think). it's a song by dar williams called the one who knows...

Time it was I had a dream
You're the dream come true
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you

I'll take you to the mountains
I will take you to the sea
I'll show you how this life became
A miracle to me

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

All the things you treasure most
Will be the hardest ones
I will watch you struggle on
Before the answers come

But I won't make it harder
I'll be there to cheer you on
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

Before the mountains call to you
Before you leave this home
I want to teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own

But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

ok, wiping my eyes and off to another day...
peace

keeping my head above water--not as bad is it's been made out to be

i started a blog listing all the things this month that have been heavy to handle...but THAT was no fun.... so i'm just going to say good morning, have a good one, and love to all that are struggling, stressed, sick, tired, hurting, or feel lost.

i've been reading the parents tao and eating pumpkin bread. this is working for me right now. oh, and i'm talking to the kids as much as possible. e especially...he's hilarious.

peace