perspective

there's this parable in the bible about blind men and an elephant...that if each man feels a different part of the elephant, each one will describe an elephant differently. and they'll all be right. there may be some other levels to it, but that's the explanation that's always stuck with me.

this weekend, we went to visit my husband's family. i feel like kind of an ass when i call them his family, because they're my family, too. but they aren't exactly behaving well, to be honest. so i get a certain satisfaction out of calling them his family (much the same way my sister and i try to pawn off our dad on each other when he's behaving badly..."YOUR father..."..."oh NO, you mean YOUR father..."). anyway. we've kind of stayed out of the thick of things. it was safer and frankly, we have a lot of our own bullshit going on and didn't feel particularly feel the need to get drawn into their bullshit. but the eleven year old really wanted to celebrate with his family (ah-ha! it's HIS family...). he wanted a big dinner with the WHOLE family there (yes, we actually say "all of the family" like we're wannabe gangsters or something...). so god love them, the whole family came. and they kept their bullshit in check. and the eleven year old gave me the big thumbs up and that smile he has that makes me feel like the world is a magical place with no bullshit.

but this is about perspective.

and blind men.

and elephants.

as i have listened to people, observed people, just shared space with people...it occurs to me that we are all on this huge obstacle course. and we're all taking pictures. but good luck making a map using all those pictures at all those angles. it would never happen. some things would be photographed multiple times from multiple angles and we may never actually figure out two pictures are even of the same thing. while other things would probably be missed entirely. there is something delightful to me about this. because there is an inherent knowledge in me that we will never see the whole picture....and perhaps even more importantly, an acceptance. how could we know it all? and why would we ever need faith? and faith is just something that's always with me. like my little toe or something. (ok, ok...i chose my little toe because i broke it once and there have been times my faith may have been a tiny bit fractured or something...)

this is something i've been thinking about. this and the fact that this really pisses some people off.

peace

so here's what i've been up to...

this is my teenager, my baby girl, my third born, my fourth born, and my second born...

see? i've been busy. :)

peace

it's not that i'm not thinking about blogging

because i do think about it. not necessarily things i would say, because my thoughts just aren't that fluid right now. but i think about how much i used to enjoy it. sometimes i read old blogs and wish that earthmama chick would start blogging again. then i remember that i'm that earthmama chick and i feel really happy and really sad at the same time. it's a mixed bag these days...

i don't really even have time to read blogs, either. and i feel like i need to make some time....i mean, at least a little, you know? because it helps to read others' words. it really does.

anyway...i have some housekeeping to do. yes, in my house, but also, i mean, around here. cleaning up my blog roll and such. there's actually a blog i've been reading because my sister sends me links. and a few others i haven't added. and then probably a ton i should delete just because i never visit anymore.

i am listening to my teen play his new guitar. he bought a really, really nice guitar. and let me tell you, really, really nice guitars? they sound really, really nice. super nice, to be honest. and it is really freaking sweet to hear him play indigo girls tonight...because they're the most complex acoustic players he's familiar with, donchano?

alright, i'm out for the night. i will try to make it back soon. because i need the release.

peace out

yawn, stretch

what a long weekend. a beautiful weekend. an exhausting weekend.

today would be my aunt and uncle's 37th anniversary. would be if my uncle had not hung himself in january. and my aunt is here visiting us in texas because she said she just needed to be here for their anniversary. i'm glad she came. i'm glad i took my family to go see her. it was lovely and hard and wonderful and sad and emotional and, well, it just felt right for some reason.

there is so much more i want to say...but it is hard to find the words. and i have a beautiful little baby girl trying to climb my leg, so there's that, too...hehe

peace

well, hello there

long time, no post...

it was busy. and it was good. and it was exhausting. and there were a million things i wanted to write about. but the words would only come at times that i could only write on the chalkboard in my head (hey, remember chalkboards?...). and when i had time to blog, the words would scatter...yep, like cockroaches when you turn the light on (no, i've never experienced this in a house that had my name on the loan). but something i learned this past week...everything's connected. and i don't necessarily mean in some sexy "crash" kind of way (i mean crash the movie, btw). it may not all seem connected or even relevant...but be patient...those dots will start connecting and you'll just sit there, trying to remember to close your mouth while you are totally having an amazed, i think i'm floating out of my body right now kind of moment. just sayin...

and here's another thing i learned...this song is awesome. i will not even try to put into words the love i have for those who shared it with me...it makes me get tears to think about them, all that they're going through, how much i love them, and how much they give the world...



peace out

channel

today was good. i am bone tired...but today was good.

my oldest is at what is called discipleship week. he's spending four days and three nights with a team of kids, learning about his faith and, i imagine mostly, himself. it is an awesome experience to get to watch a young person develop their own spirituality, to be able to share in some of that, be inspired and touched by it. it's been raining like crazy around our area...and though he's spending the week four hours away from here, i imagine he may be getting a little rain, too. i've been praying for him today. we miss him like crazy around here. but there is also a peace, i must admit. no heavy metal playing, no electric guitar in the background. it's not something we're looking for everyday. but knowing that he is off doing important work makes the peace appropriate. i'm sure i'll be crazy electric guitar by the time he gets home.

last weekend was a crazy one. my spouse begins his fourth year of residency next month...you know, on thursday. but he pulled call like a fourth year this weekend, heretofore called chief call. chief call sucks. in the beginning, i'm told. i'm told after the first few months, the other residents will stop calling the chief on call all the time. one can hope, but i don't know... i mean, i guess it must be true, because seriously, how could you ever convince someone to take chief call for a whole year if this is how it's going to go? my spouse tries very hard to avoid cesarean deliveries. but all weekend, someone else would call for a cesarean and my spouse would have to come in and do it...even though he wasn't necessarily part of the team that lead up to the decision. and he was called...let me tell you... at seven on friday night. again at two on saturday morning. then he rounded on everyone at six on saturday morning. then another cesarean at two on saturday afternoon. and rounding on everyone sunday morning, with removing an ectopic pregnancy thrown in after rounds. then another cesarean at three o'clock this morning...at which point he just stayed at the hospital for rounds at five and went on with his day, which ended at seven tonight. i took one kid rock climbing practice and the rest swimming so the doc could just come home and sleep. by the time we made it back to pick up the kiddo from climbing practice, in the DRIVING RAIN, he was still asleep and hasn't moved, except to kick off his covers and snore.

babiest girl had a heck of a night. she really enjoys swimming. she really does not enjoy driving in wall to wall rain. and it was such a slow drive.... but her three brothers that were in the car did their best to entertain her, and we made it home and cooked some dinner, bathed her in the kitchen sink, and started nursing her. but she didn't quite fall asleep. and then she got so overtired and wound up, she was kind of absolutely crazy there for awhile. she was biting and tensing and just having a hard time of it. i would hug her tight, and that would help her out for about two minutes. so i just held her and rocked her and it took almost an hour for her to settle into a restless but completely resigned sleep. and while i felt sorry for her that she had such a rough night...and i looked at my diet to figure out what i ate that could've made things so tough for her (too much sugar today...doh)...i have a small confession to make. i did it. i was able to help her fall asleep, help her work through her frustration, and i didn't absorb it. i didn't reflect it. i didn't even feel anything but sympathy for her. so i did it. and i am proud of that. kind of crazily so, because i am very tired. and i also did another good thing tonight. i let the doc sleep. it was kind of hard because it felt like i was doing something nice for him...and i'm ashamed to say, that kind of thinking always makes me think about what has he done that's nice for me lately?...and then i get all frustrated and don't do anything nice for him. but what i did tonight wasn't nice so much as a good thing. he's been getting kind of bossy and unpleasant with the kids, so i just felt like i needed to do something good for the household...everyone in it. i don't know who will appreciate it, or if anyone will. but i think it'll bring good things to my house, and for that i am grateful.

i really think that praying is important. i know that when i do it, i open myself up and good things come through. not something born in me. something that already is good moves through me. and tonight, i felt very humbled and very grateful to be able to channel that. it exhausts me. but it's a good exhaustion to feel like you wore yourself out doing something that put good out there. i imagine it is very similar to the exhaustion my sister and her partner are feeling with their three little ones. yep, i've been praying for them, too.

and good things happened for me today, too. i spent a little time in the sun. i read a book today. holy shmoly, a whole book. yep, it was really short. but i got to finish it. and that was incredible. and some laundry got done, and food was prepared, plans made for the week, a little cleaning done. i'm taking care of my other friend's adopted daughter tomorrow night. another chance to be a channel. i better go get some rest so i'm up for it.

peace

let's just continue

not necessarily with the bitching, although i admit, there will be an update (hanging head in shame).

but first things first...my sister is a mama!!! and i'm not talking about they got a new fish or a new dog or something. they got kids!! three of them! ages one, two, and three. so, like almost triplets! hey, i'm pretty sure we can call them irish triplets. only, they're mexican, and beautiful, and lucky to be my sister's kids. she's gonna rock parenthood...as soon as she gets a nap. but seriously, i'm an auntie. well, we've been through this before...i'm an aint. and i am so freakin excited about that. like, my sister's kids. not my husband's sister's or brother's kids...my sister's kids. this allows me so much more p.o.w.e.r. not that i'm on a power trip or anything, but seriously, it's so much cooler when it's your sibling's kids. (trust me, it just is...) and she has kids. and they're spending their second night at my sister's (and her partner...i don't want to leave her partner out of this) house...lucky little ducks.

so, we also went swimming today. the two little guys, babiest girl, and i. we went to a friend's pool. kids had a blast. and i really like this mama, so i had a really good time, too. lots of time in the sun. and fourth born (or babiest boy, i'm not sure what to call him now that he's staring down seven) learned that he can swim without his floatie...how freakin cool is that?!? well, i'll tell you...it's pretty freakin cool. i felt really good getting home.

then...medicine happened. spouse brought home all this stuff to be grilled. five minutes later, he was paged, and had to go back to the hospital to do a c-section. what?!?! so he starts the coals on the grill. (and can i just say, i realize some mamas would be less than impressed to know that their doc started coals on the grill before he drove up to the hospital to do their cesarean, but seriously, if the docs didn't at least do some stuff like start coals on the grill, their families would probably just move their shit out of the house because they wouldn't even seem like part of the family anymore, you know? like they'd just be some boarder who pays little, but you still have to clean up after him and shit. and i know it is hard to find a good doctor these days...but let me tell you, it is lonely as freakin hell being married to a good doctor. just something to think about. and something i have been needing...like needing in a deep, deep place....to say.) and then he is the fuck out of here. i have to grill. after chauffeuring and life guarding and all that stuff. i don't want to grill. i am not good at grilling. (well, unless it's hot dogs...i rock hot dogs) so i grill. and the grill gets too cold. and i have to bring everything in and finish it in the kitchen (which i am sure i will clean later tonight, but whatever....). and i am trying so hard not to hate him each step of the way tonight. but it eeks out a little at a time. and i feel bad for that. but i just don't have much patience. and i'm equal opportunity no patience person. i have no patience for his job that sucks all his time. and i have no patience for my own frustration. i'm just kind of pissed. oh well. and life goes on. right?

but i will share one cool thing that happened tonight while i was cooking. my teen was holding babiest girl while i was running around flipping chicken quarters on the grill and putting on asparagus and whatever the hell else. and she sees me when i catch a break and am ready to hold her. i walk over to them, and she gets all excited, jumping up and down in teen's arms and squinching up her face in happiness. so i give her the same back...moving my arms and bouncing and squinching my face up in happiness and sweep her up in my arms. then teen looks at babiest girl, looks at me, and rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the same time. and i look at babiest and announce, "it's ok. he doesn't get it. it's a girl thing." and this delights me more than words can explain. because she smiles at me like "yeah, it's a girl thing." and we have our girl moment. something that, in fifteen years of parenting, i've never had. but now i do. cool, huh?

peace