Tuesday, January 12, 2010


most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.


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