dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

night

i go outside at night. i receive things from the stars...the sky...the moon...the clouds. tonight it was clear and the stars shone like diamonds...so clear. it made me think of the days i used to want diamonds to wear, and here was a whole sky full of them. silly me...

i have something boiling in me. not an angry boil, like when i forget i'm boiling water and it's almost all gone and there's just this thin layer of water, all moving, so quickly, so frantically. well, it kind of feels that way. but it's not that. maybe it's more like a night sky when a front blows in...moon trying to glow, stars trying to shine, clouds moving all over the place, the wind howling...

i ignore my intuition sometimes. it often screams at me to write...i guess a communion of myself, my thoughts, words. an outlet for so much of what moves in me. but i think i tend not to do it when the words are not concrete, have no ending, no resolution. it's so frustrating to see it all end in a question...no answers.

but tonight i write. and there are still no answers. but the sea goes on. the night still falls. tomorrow, i will see the morning come. i have to get up early to send n on his way. he's going with his dad to help out in his grandfather's pharmacy. he's very proud of this. i know that because he told all the kids at his chess club today. i'm proud of him, too. and so is his dad.

there are many things i still need to get done. it occurs to me there will always be things to be done. what a drag...(smile)

sometimes all i want to do is think. and take a hot bath. and lay in cool, clean sheets...reading to my kids, laughing, smiling.

and sometimes all i want to do is do. make new cages for my rabbits, bathe my dogs, paint my living room and bedroom, organize crap, plant a garden.

tomorrow, i guess i'll do a little of both. and then i'll see what the sky holds for me tomorrow night. and maybe drink a glass of wine. and then maybe take that bath after i hold my children and smile at them.

diamonds...huh.
peace

ps--a new baby girl made her way into the world tonight. something in her birth stirred something in me very deeply...it was truly a beautiful and natural entrance...guided by a secure and loving mama and papa. i'm inspired by their faith...that's her middle name...but i didn't mean it that way. well, not the first time i wrote it. but i am inspired by both their faith and their faith. peace mama moon...