dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

possibility

when i blog in my head, i try to come up with a title that will help me remember what i was thinking about...one word to capture a thread of what i'm working on as i drive or fall asleep or rock and nurse a baby. a few days ago, i named a thread perspective. but i can't for the life of me remember what it was about. well, obviously it was about perspective, but i couldn't remember how that was relevant to whatever it was i was thinking about. oh well.

so today, i typed a line about how having a teenager and a baby in the house made the air crackle with possibility. and i really liked that...something deep inside me raised its fist and went "right on!" so i felt i was on to something. on the way to mass, i thought more about it. about the possibilities of my youngest as she grows and develops...and i mean from the ground up, you know. those darned hands...they're difficult. she keeps bopping herself on the head and i'm pretty sure that's not what she was trying to do. but she doesn't dwell in frustration...she keeps on going. i think we'll have a party when she gets control of those little hands. and her eyes...oh man...the other day she had the hiccups and every time she'd hiccup, her eyes would cross. and it would take her a few minutes to uncross them. but then she'd hiccup and they'd cross again. it was a little diaphragm/ocular muscle workout for about fifteen minutes. i admit it, i laughed. and it's awesome watching her develop and grow...all those possibilities for her. it squeezes my heart.

and then there's her biggest brother with all of his own possibilities. a brother-in-law who's a high school counselor talked to me about testing, scholarship, and college admission requirements over the holiday. (and btw, it's kind of really uncool to talk to a new mom about this stuff so soon after birth...just if you were wondering...makes her feel THAT MUCH MORE overwhelmed than she already did and also makes her kind of hate you...just sayin') but my teen has so many possibilities ahead of him. and i don't just mean educationally or academically or career choosing/developing/shaping. his first girlfriend broke up with him yesterday. oh my...for a nonviolent woman, i really did want to punch her face in just the tiniest bit. and watching him deal with that...that squeezed lots of stuff, too. and i'll admit it, i cried...after everyone went to bed that night...a little because i hurt for him and a little for me just because it felt overwhelming.

there is so much emphasis on raising babies. and the teen years so often just get generalized as difficult or rebellious or whatever. but it is amazing watching a young one cross that long winding bridge to self responsibility and accountability. (like the way i made it sound like there's an end to that bridge? well, if there is, i haven't found it yet) it's just neat to go from walking in front of your child, holding their hands, supporting them, clearing the path of any dangers, showing them where to go, providing them good nutrition, good opportunities, experiences to walking alongside them...sometimes even letting them lead. hell, sometimes needing them to lead. and this is what i've found parenting to be about...for all five of them. and so i have six wonderful folks i get to do walk with daily...because yes, my pharmacist/doctor/breadwinner husband walks right alongside us. and that is just so much possibility in one house...

when i taught philosophy, i read this poem with the students by emily dickinson called "i dwell in possibility"...

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

the kids were brilliant about it. i remember one student that brought tears to my eyes as he talked about his blank page being possibility...nothing but everything at the same time. and i think this is where i dwell...or what dwells in me...either way.

peace

glub glub

i am tired. and life goes on. this is how it is with newborns...it's kind of coming back to me, but it's all so foggy, i guess it's just more of a vague dejavu feeling (and yes, spell check says that's spelled wrong, but i know that it's something like that, dammit). i feel like i'm living life underwater...like when you try to have a tea party at the bottom of the swimming pool, or try to say things underwater and see if the other person can understand you. my eyes burn like i've been in chlorine and often times i cannot understand what someone else is trying to say, so i just smile and nod and think "whatever." i mean really, i kept harping on having a newborn...at 35...with a teenager in the house...and a preteen. but i never even began to take into consideration the whole proximity to christmas issue. yeah...glub, baby, glub.

and i was thinking tonight how pregnancies and babies kind of stick you on a health kick whether or not you want one. how you can't drink or smoke when you're pregnant. you have to eat well...for two. and then after baby's born i mean...you can drink...but not a lot...and after nine months of being pregnant, i find it best to not tempt myself. and this baby does not do well when i eat dairy...like, she cries and grunts and is in pain. so really...no drinking, no smoking, and no dairy. i'm sitting here eating this "dairy free frozen iced dessert" which basically tastes like frozen chocolate water...mmm....but i've almost knocked out the whole pint.

really, i just needed to get those things out because they're really weighing me down...killing my buzz. i am wasted tired. and it is a lonely feeling no matter who you've got to talk to because, well, i think it just has to be. babies don't talk and so mamas have to be alone, get quiet, remember how to communicate in those other ways. when i watch her, i see her change her expressions when she sleeps. i see things that make me laugh out loud or get tears in my eyes. i watch her look like me, like her brothers, like her dad. i watch her take in her world. i can tell when she's looking at something or just zoning out, getting ready to fall asleep. i see her dance with sleep, in and around sleep. i love to watch her relax. my favorite is when she makes really passionate noises...not cries...almost like crying, but she pauses in between...to give me time to think about what she's said.

she likes the indigo girls. ask her biggest brother...he tries to play all kinds of music for her on his guitar, but the only thing that soothes her is closer to fine. her littlest big brother got to hold her standing up tonight...this was huge for him...i don't know why kids are so adamant to try the very things you ask them not to...he'd mention it every other day or so..."i can't wait until i'm big enough to hold the baby standing up"...but he did really well. one of her middle big brothers constantly refers to himself in the third person when he talks to her...i wonder sometimes if she wonders who he's talking about...even though i know she's not quite there yet...it just strikes me as funny. and her other middle big brother finally held her for the first time two nights ago, even though he's almost six years older than the littlest big brother ("he's the only brother who hasn't held her standing up...well, the only big brother who's ALLOWED to hold her standing up that is...i'm not allowed yet"). he doesn't talk to her too much...he's like me...he's afraid of rejection from the babies...afraid they'll see some character flaw we're able to hide from older, less observant folks.

life is so different. it is so much harder in some ways. it is so much richer in some ways. it's so rich, it's like walking through sticky mud...makes you slow down...wears you out...gets frustrating, throws off your groove..but you also notice more stuff. you can look at your feet and dwell on being angry that your shoes are getting fucked up. you can fret at the time that's being wasted. or you can look around and see how much greener everything is after all the rain. of course, when it rains in the winter, there's not so much green. but there is still a beauty to things being bare...everything waiting for the next spring. mostly, i'm just excited i can type sentences...well, sort of...even while i'm so tired.

now i must go figure out what i've bought each child for christmas...i can't keep things straight in my head. and i need to go finish the last of my christmas cards. and drink some water...i keep forgetting to drink the damned water. how are you supposed to make breast milk when you forget to drink fluids?...glub glub

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

out for a few days

i am heading north a couple of hours to help out a friend and hang out and have a good time, too. i am grateful to be able to help, but i am also grateful to get out of my house for a few days....i'm kind of tired of trying to muster up some motivation to get it in shape. we're making some progress, but when my spouse works nights, it is hard times at home and we're all worn out from it. hoping i can come back feeling a little renewed and less stressed out and, frankly, resentful...

quick rabbit update...mazzy, the male who has kicked every other buns ass around here, is now living in my teen's room. he's got a pretty great set up and i think he's happy, although i will say, he looks a little lost with no asses to kick. oh.well. the other two have a divider between them in the rabbit room...they were both kind of skittish when i put them together yesterday...and who wouldn't be after getting your ass kicked twice each by a vicious old man bunny? but they look pretty calm with each other today and i imagine in the next couple of weeks, they may be back to co-habitating...but i am not getting my hopes up because it's just too frustrating having your hopes dashed continuously by rabbits.

and update on the bean...my spouse got to watch the bean moving around the night before father's day. but on father's day, he actually got to feel the bean move for the first time...so cool stuff there. my second born is the only kid in the house who's felt the bean move...he's really the only one patient enough for that, too, so lucky him.

counseling yesterday was good stuff...talked a lot about my kids. i'd heard stories lately on hazing at the summer camp i love that i worked at as a teen and they really disturbed me. so i told the-rapist how sometimes i feel like i'm raising my children to be weak because i just don't find that type of stuff appropriate at all...or even funny most of the time. like last summer, when teen dropped his first f-bomb...my sil said "that's just how we love each other in our family." you know, by being assholes, i guess. and so i was asking the-rapist what she thought. and she said that she used to think teasing and such was healthy...even necessary. but that after three decades of counseling, that you never know what will end up being some one's issue on the couch when they're fifty. not that i can guess every comment or action that may end up an issue on some one's couch down the road...but why push it? i mean, when i joke around with my friends, i only do it when i know it's safe...when i know trust has been built and they will know, without a doubt, that i am, in fact, joking. and even then, i usually ask and make sure they know i was joking, if i think there is any question. why would i be any less gentle with my children? why would i presume them to have more maturity than one of my friends (who are all pretty wise and mature and stuff)? so, the-rapist left me feeling pretty comfortable in my thoughts on being gentle and whether or not it makes you weak. i mean, don't get me wrong...we tease around here...and sometimes the things that are said make my eyes almost pop out of my head. but we work pretty hard at having a trusting relationship as a family and taking time to realize when some one has been hurt and clearing up any misunderstandings. and i've learned that sometimes i am too focused on what is said, and the best thing to do is just get out and do. then every one's mouths are shut and we don't have the whole misunderstanding problem.

wow...i had a lot to say on that. i've been able to work through a lot of that with my cyber-tribe...and for that, i'm grateful, too.

peace

keeping rolling

i actually got some stuff done last night. it felt good. but then my stupid vacuum cleaner broke, and i started feeling kind of embarrassed by how dependent i am on my vacuum cleaner. but it just makes cleaning up after a family of six so much easier... i'm hoping it's had a change of heart and will work today. here's hoping...

this is a line from a conversation i heard in my home yesterday. my oldest was talking about a wolf spider he'd seen, and my third born figured a wolf spider must be smaller than a tarantula. to explain the size difference, my teenager said, "if spiders were pokemon, a wolf spider would evolve into a tarantula." to which my third born responded, "oh, ok." and that was that. see? adults do not understand these finer nuances of comparison...i would've made it too complicated talking about actual size or something...

and we've decided to skip nationals for rock climbing this year. there were a few tears from the mom and the teen...don't think the dad shed any...but i think we're all pretty good with this decision. bouldering season starts soon and teen's coach thinks teen could probably qualify for speed and sport climbing next year, so... but it's still really hard not sending them on every opportunity they receive an invitation for. sigh... growing up is hard. no matter how old you are.

and i think that is about it. a friend of mine may come visit next week and that makes me happy. bil hung out in my entryway talking til eleven thirty last night...and given the scarcity of grown up interaction lately, that was fun, too. really tiring, but nice. i am also asking the young people in the house to help out with some of these things that just need to get taken care of...and guess what? they are pretty darned cheerful about stepping up. and for all of this and more, i am happy.

peace

prayers on a busy day

today's been kind of...busy....eventful...something like that.

i woke up and got to chat with a friend online. that was good stuff. she's going camping, but i'm not so jealous i don't still like her lots. (i will camp this summer, i will camp this summer...)

once i picked up teen at his dual enrollment class, i decided that i was going to get some stuff accomplished. but my sister called first to tell me that my aunt is in the icu...with meningitis. my cousins are my kids ages...well, her older daughter is ten months older than my oldest and her younger daughter is a week older than my second born. and their mama's in the icu...and can barely remember who she is or where she is. so some prayers for her, please...my aunt lori.

then we ran our errands. teen was not too happy once we finished because he's decided he doesn't need to eat breakfast. which i don't agree with...but i don't get to agree with everything he chooses and i'm alright with that. but when i decide to run an hour's worth of errands...ok, maybe an hour and a half...and he's starving and grouchy as hell by the end, well, then i feel his choice is inconvenient. much in the way he felt mine was inconvenient. it's so hard when you aren't the one driving the car. and i empathize with that. but i also know he'll have much time to be the one driving in his future, so i've let it go. plus, once he ate, he was back to normal.

but get this...i load everyone in the car, thinking we're running late to piano, so i've got that extra edge to my voice...we need to hurry kind of thing. we back down the driveway and something in the universe shifts and i ask teenager, "isn't piano at 2?" he says, "yeah, i think so." so i ask, "then why are you letting me run everyone out the door and load us up as though it's at 1?" he thought i'd gotten a call or something. children are so trusting. even when they know we're nutso. so i drove back up the driveway and my youngest shouts, "well, that was a short trip!"

oy...i'm going to skip the part about talking to my mother and the way things are going with her and my stepfather...it was a two hour conversation, but i just don't have the energy to even summarize it. we DID, however, pick up teenager's glasses. and the wonderful woman at the glasses place even fixed his spare pair that we didn't even buy there. i was and still am very, very grateful.

oh, and speaking of gratitude...my bil and sil sponsored my oldest for his robotics trip. once i let go of some of my fear, things work out amazingly well. once i know longer try to be the only one in control, it seems others find room to step in...and then it is so much better.

so prayers for aunt lori...and my little niece is still in the nicu...getting better, but still there. maybe the week after easter she'll get to come home.

peace

gratitude

there's this scene from harry potter...the movie...which one?....uhm, the one with the baby thestrals in it. because it's when luna is telling harry that if she were voldemort, she would want to make harry feel alone to weaken him...because we draw strength in numbers. that's been playing through my mind a lot. not necessarily the scene, but the sentiment...it just so happens that when i am looking for an image to attach to the sentiment, this is the one that pops up for me.

i think i've mentioned before that eight years (med school + residency) just didn't sound that long six years ago... but all of a sudden, it feels like f.o.r.e.v.e.r. a family of six making it on a resident's salary is getting tough. or it was...yeah, there's a happy ending coming up here in a bit. but i have stretched dollars and cut costs when i wasn't sure i could do it anymore. i don't mean to sound like we're suffering...we're not. our kids still climb at one of the best rock gyms i've seen in texas (but i admit i'm not ALL that well traveled as far as rock gyms go), they still take music lessons, and now, i have not just ONE child traveling to the international level of his robotics competition, i have a SECOND one who just qualified for nationals in his competition. and he'll go. he is bursting in a way i rarely see my second born burst and, come hell or high water, he will go...this is our commitment to him as his parents.

but finding a way to make that happen...it has been getting daunting. when my spouse did pharmacy school, when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, i worked. that is what we did in the family i grew up in. but once that child was born, my mil told me she wanted to me to feel like i had the option to stay home with my child, if that was what i wanted. my spouse (who was my boyfriend at the time...i only mention this because it makes me feel young in a weird way) asked me to consider it. but i did not know where the money to eat, to pay rent, would come from. but it always came. sometimes his parents helped us...and this one was huge...having family that can and will do that is amazing. sometimes we charged things. sometimes we filed income taxes or sold things. mostly, we just enjoyed the simple and free pleasuers of life. and i have not one regret for the choices we made. oh, i did work sometimes. but i usually ended up coming back home. it was just how our little family rolled. and it's still how we roll... i learned a lot of faith in those times. i also learned a lot of responsibility. and while i have still been practicing the responsibility as of late, the faith was escaping me a bit. i mean, we were making it. a loan here helped. we still had income taxes to file, and that would help. but the stress of trying to make it all work was leaving us tired, and worn, and feeling a little alone...a little stretched...and a little like we didn't have much to give others, to be honest. but we got a deposit in our account a few days ago that will probably mean we can make it through the rest of the year without taking out any more loans. and while i don't think it's necessarily appropriate to post my financials here...this has made a lot of difference today. a lot.

i looked over our bills, and they have steadily dropped since moving out here almost two years ago. we still find ways to trim here, use less there. my spouse works extra hours when they are offered. but the recent success of our children in robotics (who the hell knew they'd be such robot whiz-kids?) has been challenging. and made me feel desperate in a way i was growing to hate. i thought maybe i'd just pull them from music lessons to make up the difference. but, after this deposit, i don't have to. at least not yet.

my spouse has a little over two years left of this residency. and then, things should lighten up a little...i think. i really don't know, and while it seems obvious they should, i hate setting myself up for disappointment, so we'll just leave it at they should. so we keep telling ourselves two more years of rough financial times, and then it'll get a little easier. we usually hold hands when we say this to each other. he doesn't know about this deposit yet. but it helps me remember to have faith. and to be a part of other people's lives in a way that keeps faith alive for all of us. and for this reminder that i am not alone, that there are people praying for me and supporting me, even when i am so wrapped up in my own stress i don't remember to do the same, i am so, so, so very grateful.

peace

circles of light watching

still here. left foot, right foot, breathe.

i will say i've been thinking a lot about responsibility and commitment. we are dragging through the end of this semester. and finishing it out is what seems right to me. but sometimes, this little part of my brain says, "maybe you should just stop...you never know when to say 'no'...maybe this is one of those times." but i don't think so. a few more weeks, and we'll have completed this crazy assed, over scheduled, exhausting, draining semester. and what will we have accomplished? well, i'm still thinking that one over... i mean, there are obvious answers, but i'm trying to see the larger picture...and that's kind of hard to do when your eyes are crossing from exhaustion and fed-uppedness. (i just made that word up...you know, in case you couldn't tell)

but the teen and i have seen through some tough times this past week. a few episodes of him being pretty unhappy with me...the first time, i owned what he was saying. and didn't let myself take it all personally...taking constructive criticism, particularly when delivered with the tact of a fourteen year old, is not my best thing. but given the intense love and respect i have for this particular fourteen year old, i am incredibly motivated to get better at it. and this past week, i felt a little better at it than absolutely sucky...and i feel this is real progress. the second time, i gave him a little of the same honesty in return...but made sure he understood i didn't feel he was responsible for how i felt...that i just wanted him to know i was a little "done" with this particular situation too...that feeling "done" as i did, yet having to hear how "done" he feels over and over...well, that it wasn't helping my "done"ness very much...and that i don't know exactly how to make the "done"ness any better, and that thus far, the only advice i have is to grit your teeth and keep going. which i feel he took rather well, as i still got a massage later in the evening...so truly, i think he took it damned smashingly well.

eleven year old has a robotics comp of his own coming up next weekend. i am thrilled for him and excited to get to be the total parent/spectator at this event. he has shown a lot of focus and enthusiasm and i can't wait to see the end result for him. i can't even begin to understand what he's done...but i am ready to see how it works.

nine year old is rocking the soccer world...well, in my evaluation, he is. this does not mean his team wins a lot...it means they are greatly improving and still loving it. the best kind of success, in my experience.

and five year old...he is reading like crazy, noticing words and asking questions about language...i love watching that awareness light up. he also ended up in my bed this morning...and while it stretched my older body (older than when i used to sleep with them full time, i mean), it was nice.

lots of light all of a sudden. thank blog...

peace

being bums

i often wonder if i give my children too much leisure time. (ironically, i balance this out with worrying that i over schedule them...which is it, huh?) we watched three episodes of heroes yesterday. (blockbuster didn't have the third season of lost...wtf?) but then we did our responsibilities and got back on the laundry train, took our heavy comforters off our beds, played outside, bla bla bla. so it's not like we didn't get anything accomplished. but we're taking it easy this week. after running our asses off on vacation last week. too much? not enough? i'm not sure... all i know is that i'm exhausted and have no desire to jump back into the normal routine around here. so i'm taking it easy. hence, my kids get to take it easy. but i have to say, it is awesome listening to them playing with each other, talking about last week, hanging out together, etc, during this time. i'm loving it. so right or wrong, it's good, you know?

i think my spouse wonders if they'll be productive citizens without all the pressures of school, grades, gpa's, etc. i don't know... on margaret and helen's blog today (which i thought was hilarious, btw) one of the points they make is that helen spanked her kids, her kids didn't spank theirs, and eventually, one of them will be proved right. but maybe they'll both prove good enough...who knows? what works for one family doesn't always work for another. i hope my kids are interested in the world and find a way to connect with it...to be a part of it in a way that is mutually beneficial.

ok...i am going to go do a short run. nothing strenuous. i'm also going to neti pot all the junk out of my head again. then, i will get dressed and find something to do with my day. and i'm pretty sure we'll all be smiling while we do it. sometimes life is hard and stressful and crazy...but this is what we've chosen. and it feels good to have some of those times where we remember why we chose and are grateful for the work we're willing to do to be able to share life with each other like this.

peace

want some cheese?

because i'm gonna whine, ok?

i am tired. today was just one of those days where there are a million things to do. today, i...

--woke at six thirty, made coffee and made sure teen was in the shower.
--got lessons ready for the day and clipboards loaded for the week while the rest of the kids got dressed and jacked around
--drove forty-three miles with three kids to pick up teen from class, then turned around and drove forty-three miles to get home
--moved around laundry
--made lunch
--helped kids get settled with lessons (or, uh, so i thought...)
--ran to therapy
--ran through the grocery
--came home and did more laundry...and then folded about eight or nine loads of laundry
--got little ones to put their laundry away (again, or so i thought...but that comes later)
--started getting my stuff ready for co-op classes tomorrow
--came across notice for verification of dependents for insurance
--noticed that after my name, it said "unverified"
--called to see exactly what i needed to be verified
--was told only a marriage license would do
--could NOT find marriage license
--found out that i can't order one online in my county (even though i got my marriage license in my state's capital...wtf?)...so the nice woman gave me the address to mail my $6 to so i can get this license and not be without insurance even though my husband works and we're married and why the hell does my insurance company need my damned marriage license?!?! whatever...
--saw teen off to rock climbing team practice
--took other kids to soccer practice for nine year old
--froze butt off in cold wind while chatting with a mama about soccer (thank god sexy spouse came to tag me out so i could come home and finish getting ready for co-op tomorrow)
--moved around teen's laundry (because yes, i am that nice)
--got stuff ready for co-op
--managed to not have a conniption when i realized nine year old had done none of his school work, but thank god had at least done his co-op homework
--helped spouse (who was no longer so sexy to me) cook dinner
--got littles to empty the dishwasher, which they are supposed to do daily without reminders, but this is not going off so well lately...
--got settled to watch lost, had littles put away a little more laundry, made the huge mistake of going into their closet to find all the laundry they were supposed to have put away in stacks on the floor of their closet (which is where it all was, dirty, three days ago)...almost completely lost it...yelled some, explained some, helped put away some...resolved to follow through with this for a few more days (which is much more productive than the tantrum i was gearing up for awhile there to throw...but it still leaves me a little empty for not throwing the tantrum...what can i say?)
--did dishes and reloaded dishwasher while watching the beginning of lost
--scratched five year old's back through the rest of lost
--i am done.

i realize the kids are probably slipping because i am slipping because we are all just flat out busy. it is hard to do everything we used to do as well as we used to do it when we have added all this other stuff to do. i told my the-rapist today that i understand i'm not doing much well right now because look at how much i'm trying to do...but it's not a whole hell of a lot of consolation, to be honest. just makes me feel kind of sucky at a hell of a lot of things. but LET ME TELL YOU.....i am learning shit loads. ask me about how i will prioritize next semester...go ahead, ask me...i am getting smarter and smarter about this stuff. the boundaries will be blazing next semester.

peace

ok, here's the deal

so, that post i made a couple of days ago about shifts...it was like the beginning of the long row of dominoes tumbling. there were more after that, but there is only so much you can capture with words at a time...only so much your brain can process as your perspective widens...only so much it can take in at once, i guess is more accurate.

what i realize is something like this...i birthed my kids, i've raised them...fed them, clothed them, watched them learn to button buttons, brush teeth, take steps, ride bikes (yes, my littlest did this last week and it is STILL my most favorite thing to watch them figure out in the world...srsly), all that stuff that they figure out in my presence...and i'll continue to be right alongside them, as much as they need me...this is my pledge in conceiving them, right? to be there as best i can when they need me...but they are their own people...period. always have been, haven't they?

see, when it takes awhile for you to figure out that these little folks are not, in fact, a representation of how you're doing in life...that their lives are not about you, but about them...well, it's one long "a-ha moment" and it leads to all these other realizations about other folks you didn't birth and your relationships with them...it gives everyone an independence that changes your concept of interdependence, but that's as clearly as i can state that, so i probably need a little more time on that concept. (you know, like a lifetime or something)

anyway...all of this to say, that i love my kids. i see them as individuals these days in a way i don't think i've ever managed before. but then i'm also reconnecting with and still interacting with all these other folks. and somewhere in all of this, i see that our relationships to each other, without our own personal judgments or whatever, are basically the same. where one of us succeeds, we all succeed. where one of us is healed, we all get healed. my ability to affect my kids may be a little greater because of proximity and trust built in a relationship that has spanned their entire lives, but i will not be the only relationship that affects them and i should not pretend my only responsibility is to them. we all affect each other. from the child i dropped off to volunteer for the first time today to the woman i almost hit as she pulled out of the parking lot on the street two blocks before the rock gym said child was volunteering at. we all affect each other. some we think about, plan, and try to control how we affect. some we never have a clue we even were a part of that life. and everything in between.

i don't know why this is so huge, but it has cracked my world open. (in a good way...or at least a way i am drawn into) i feel electric. and grateful. and tiny and powerful and lots of other things.

one other thing...we watched the last samurai with the kids last night and this morning. (started it last night, finished it this morning) i do not really like tom cruise, but i will say he was kind of perfect, in his little, arrogant, cockiness for playing the role of america in that movie. i'm a little torn about the violence in the movie, and my littles cover their heads during much of it, but i wonder how that stuff sounds when you aren't watching.... anyway, my oldest and i talked about the movie, as we were crying at the end...it's powerful stuff...power for the sake of power is a fucking powerful thing...big surprise. but strength for what you believe in...while it gets knocked down, assassinated, massacred again and again, cannot be crushed. and my oldest and i were both overcome with that realization, i think. i told him about obama's line in his inaugural address, "to those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents...You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you." it is a fine line between protecting ourselves from terrorists and becoming the very terrorists we seek to protect ourselves from. while i believe it is noble to defend innocents, i believe if we become the same as those we are defending ourselves from, we are no longer noble. and while some people feel being alive is the most important thing, this movie kind of took my teen and i to different paths of thinking in our conversation than we'd ever covered before. and it was emotional for us the whole time.

so, there's today's verbal vomit. i think as busy as i've been, i'm a little backlogged in processing through these thoughts. my dreams have become wild as my mind seeks to work stuff out. i must continue my campaign to get my ass on the treadmill.

but now i have some lego parts to research for my second born's robot he's building and some sheets to change on the beds my three youngest children have all decided to sleep in. it's amazing how they are all growing and progressing and changing and teaching me the whole while.

peace

shifting

i don't know where i got the idea that life was supposed to be stable...flat, smooth, whatever. but i have long pursued that goal. and now i understand that the reason i haven't achieved it isn't because of some defect of my character, laziness of my person...i haven't achieved it because it is unreal. life doesn't work that way. it's not always these huge shifts, like what split our continents...but it is not stagnate.

there is a shift going on in my household that has gotten my attention. my teenager is ready to do things on his own...to be a little more independent. when we went to dinner monday to celebrate chinese new year, he went to climb with the rock climbing team. and this was kind of depressing to me...depressing in a way that made me want to stamp my foot and say "no! you're coming with US...we like you better than those rock climbing fools" (and i should say here that i like the rock climbing fools just fine...they are not fools at all, but when one is tantruming, one's integrity tends to get drowned out by the screaming two year old). instead, i let him go and i pouted...i brooded...i let myself be pretty disgruntled by the whole thing for the whole ride home and a few minutes after getting there. then my bil and nephew got to my house, and we were all cracking up together, waiting for my spouse to get home so we could go surprise the hell out of some chinese restaurant in our small town with the knowledge that there are, in fact, chinese folks living around here...

at dinner, as i looked at my three other sons and my nephew, my bil and my spouse and i, all sitting at this table, eating way oversalted chinese food, laughing and talking, i felt the absence of my oldest. and i saw a future with more of his absences...and even the eventual absence of the other little traitors, er, i mean kids at the table. it made me tear up some.

i know them growing up is part of the goal...it has to be. i don't want them to be dependent on me for every meal, every dime, every car ride or homework reminder, for the rest of their lives. i know they are good people already. and they look forward to each new opportunity, each new experience. my oldest is really getting independent. and i've seen more of the good man he's becoming as he's travelled out on his own than i ever had the chance to witness when i held him under my wing. but it makes me appreciate these times of transitioning all the more.

when my youngest was growing passed toddlerhood, i remember wondering if this would be the last time i nursed him, the last diaper i'd change, the last time i'd cut his food into tiny little chunks. but now i wonder if this is the last time my oldest will let me grab him in a cradle hold on my lap, laugh at my dumb jokes, talk to me about girls. i doubt so, but i've never done this before...it's all new terrain for me.

it also occurs to me how my job as his mom has changed. how it's not for me to remove him from situations that may be difficult...how he's chosen a challenging path because he WANTS the challenges...me suggesting he avoid them at times only undermines his sense of what he's capable of handling...geez, what a crazy balance.

i just got in touch with a friend i used to spend a lot of time with after i went back to school in 1999. i'd met him at camp and i thought the world of him. he had an energy to him such that just being in his presence made me feel better. after he found me on facebook, i noticed he had some AA stuff in his bio. so this morning, he sent me the story of the last few years. he doesn't remember much of our time hanging out, other than he feels so grateful to have found me, see my family, be back in touch. he was drinking heavily, which i knew, smoking out a lot, which i figured, and also branching into other things, which i had no idea of, at that time. i always knew he had the ability to turn his life into what he has now. the part of him that's turned things around and been grown during those difficult years for him, was always there...it just needed the chance to come forward, which meant all the bullshit had to burn itself out. and that took time...it always does. but as i chatted with my friend, i thought, how would i feel if my teenager brought home someone like this man when i first met him? would i be okay with it? would i allow him the chance to experience the full gambit of life that i've had the opportunity to experience with him? or would i become afraid and try to get him to end his friendship? i don't know. but it is something i will definitely be thinking about for the next decade or longer, i suppose.

yesterday, i was telling some friends about this feeling of being overwhelmed...of vacillating back and forth between "i got it" and "i am in way over my head." a friend said i sounded like i was swinging on a vine, trying to get bananas. something about that image really struck me...that life is about swinging...i always think i will find that point of balance and stay there forever (you know, once i'm really good at it and stuff). but i don't think that's how it works. i think we swing back and forth, sometimes in big arcs, sometimes in smaller ones...but i think balance comes in recognizing it when we're there...not necessarily digging our fingernails in and trying to stay there...but knowing we'll return there again and again. i don't think there's any other way to look at life once i've admitted i am not in control of every aspect of it, nor can i be.

one of the things my friend said to me today...

personally, I had it all wrong, i am not on this earth for me but for me to be available to you, you being anyone i can be useful to

i hope my sons have the chance to know and love and learn from people like i have...
peace

looking back

it was a pretty good year, i guess. i'm worn out from it and that's often a good sign, i guess. and i feel alright going into this year...a little behind, but i always feel a little behind i've learned.

some of my favorite moments...most of my favorite moments are moments that are just extremely comfortable and feel good in a way i don't know how to put into words....but it feels good somewhere in my chest and it's a relaxed, warm, full kind of feeling, i guess...

making cinnamon rolls from scratch with my sister. my sister began a new relationship this year. but before she did, it was fun being her "girlfriend" for awhile. she'd call to check on me lots...and we'd talk and laugh and get morbidly intense...fun times. she also drove up to visit a lot and that was great fun, too. i really didn't even know she liked to cook before...especially difficult recipes like cinnamon rolls that require you to make dough and let that rise, then make the inside cinnamon stuff, then make the rolls, then let those rise....she rocked at it. (although i think she touched my pet mice before we started working in the kitchen and forgot to wash her hands...i don't know why i think that, but it's how i remember it) anyway, it was a lot of fun.

when my friend lanatron came and stayed at my house during hurricane ike. she has four kids. i have four kids. it was a lot of people and a lot of work, but really, really comfortable at the same time. and it felt really good to be together at a time that was kind of worrisome...i mean, the hurricane devastated galveston. and her spouse was right in the eye of it, although we knew he was safe. but it felt good to be together, our families, during that time...like that was the way things should be. which is often how my friendship with her feels...like it's just what it should be. it is one of my favorite moments.

riding to fort worth with my spouse. now, we had a whole evening together, and the ceremony we attended was beautiful. but it was a really nice time just driving together, no kids in the car, able to pay attention to each other and the indigo girls on for when the conversation was quiet. it was probably one of our most comfortable, peaceful moments together in a year that's been exhausting as far as marriage goes.

i also really enjoyed making cabbage rolls with my friend julie. we were brave, we were creative, we were inventive, and we were hungry. and we made kick ass cabbage rolls. julie and i do a lot of different things together...i've known her for ten years. but i think cooking cabbage rolls was one of my favorite things i've ever done with her. another of my favorite moments with julie was making a rosary for her mama when her mama passed away this year. her mama was quite a crafter and we went through her many boxes of beads to find the right ones for the rosary...sea shells, cat beads, wooden beads, green glass beads, some big clear ones...it was a neat moment together.

my other favorites are like experiences...i enjoyed teaching philosophy. working together with mamas to put the co-op together. watching the kids climb rocks. bathing my dogs and watching them outside. mowing the grass. hiking with my kids at pariah canyon. sitting alone outside in arizona. walking around brenham with friends. putting my grand niece to sleep in a noisy pho restaurant. getting to know the mamas in my cybertribe...what a year it's been with those women! meeting my friend jeanni and her son at the maker faire in austin...that was awesome. running two half marathons with my sister...and seeing my family at the seventh mile marker in the second one. spending my friend shelley's 50th birthday with her closest friends...oh my god, that was definitely a highlight of the year! getting in touch with my friend lizette. driving my friend patsy to the church on her wedding day....she was so worried i was going to get lost. having my sil thank me for sharing my views, telling me she values them. jen buying the life is good monkey shirt!!! i'm so glad she did that!!! and i have to say, so many of the books i've read this year have been great ones...maybe i'll list them later.

so, those are some of my highlights. i feel like i probably screwed my kids over by not listing a special one with each of them...but i am so blown away by them and so proud of them that it would be impossible to sort out specific ones from the ball of awesomeness that is them.

i've been blessed and i'm grateful.

peace

roll call of sorts

so sometimes it feels weird to post about the emotions of a weekend and find them so completely untied in to what was actually going on that weekend...what my family did...the fact that we had a lot of fun together...stuff like that.

so i thought i'd post a little about what we did this weekend.

friday my parents came to visit. we were at the park when they got to our town. we'd just finished planning next semester for the co-op we participate in...very exciting stuff. then we picked up lunch and came home to meet my dad and step mom. it was very nice, very cool hanging out with them, watching them watch their grandchildren...you know, just normal old sharing space stuff. then they left to visit my grandparents, who have alzheimer's and dementia a few more hours up the road.

then my friend julie came to stay the weekend. she bought us all tickets to the renaissance festival for my children's birthdays. it was an awesome gift. we left saturday morning, after my dh finished rounding on his patients. we met my sister and her partner, who we were meeting for the first time. it was a lot of fun. we got to see the birds of prey show (a MUST SEE every time we've ever been), the other brothers (a comedy/juggling act that my spouse, i'm pretty sure, wants to be when he grows up), and the joust. my sister and her partner took the bigs to the ded bob show, too... then we threw chinese stars, axes, knives, catapulted frogs, rode in giant swings...it was great fun. the weather was absolutely beautiful and the company was the best. it had just been so long since we'd had time together, as a family and with a group of friends, doing something so completely leisurely...it was healing.

and then yesterday, as often happens when julie visits, she convinced me i can cook anything...so cabbage rolls were on the menu last night, and a cabbage casserole (to use up the rest of the head of cabbage) and a pumpkin pie. my bil, sil, and nephew came to visit, which always makes me very happy, and we all had a good time talking, laughing, playing with baby s, my two year old nephew.

yesterday was also remarkable because each of my guys got time alone, which is pretty rare. my oldest biked to his robotics team meeting and back. my second born had his robotics meeting. my third born went fishing with dad. and my youngest went to the grocery store with mama (he chose this, i swear...it wasn't a dead end field trip). julie stayed home and read twilight, which i believe i have gotten her addicted to.

so while i was having my kfkd delusions and feeling like an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, there were really quite a few great things going on around me that i was also able to participate in and enjoy. i am grateful for the time with loved ones this weekend. ken always reminds me there are chains of gold and chains of iron. the real kicker is that i'm starting to realize we get to choose our chains...letting go of some of them is kind of hard. yep...

here's the song i woke up to playing in my head...don't think it was kfkd playing this morning...must've bumped the dial... :)


uhm, yeah, this video was taken at a barnes and nobles in minneapolis...wow...
peace

history

i've said this word to my sons quite a bit the last twenty-four hours or so. i keep telling them that history seems like something that happened a long time ago. that we don't always realize history is being made. and they've been around for some history making events, but they were too young to remember it. this election they will remember. and i think it's given each of them pause for their own reasons and to process their own young perspectives.

it has been so long since i've felt buy in with so much of our government. i often talk to other parents about trying to get buy in from their kids on the policies of the family. it's so much easier when kids believe in or understand why they're being asked to do certain things. and it's the same with government. but i'm a good citizen...i don't have to totally buy into it to respect and follow things. but i feel differently now. watching the race be so close in so many states, you could really tell how each vote mattered. and seeing how great the electoral college margin was compared to the popular vote margin...kind of gave a little universal balance to the gore/bush election in 2000. it just seemed to be a healing event in so many ways and for so many folks.

it will be interesting to see how the next four years go. i feel excited about it. excited to see a segment of our country participate in an election for the first time. excited to see how that affects the progress of our nation in general. in a lot of ways, after the last eight years, there's really not that much further down to go, not that much more apathy to be felt. but last night, i felt like we were soaring... we went to bed praying for the health of our grandfather and for the health and safety of our president elect.

disjointed, yes. heartfelt, yeah, that too.
peace

keeping it light

okay, a little potty humor from today...

my youngest went potty at the rock climbing gym today. we're, what?, four days out from halloween? he'd told me he thought he had to pee and poop, which means "come check on me in a minute because i'll probably need help wiping". so i gave him some time, went in, and while i was wiping him, i noticed the little round poo balls in the bottom of the toilet. so i ask him, "was it hard to get this poo out?" and he says yes. so i go on to tell him it's because he's eating too much candy and a lot of sugar will make him constipated, which means it is very hard to get the poo out. and he replies, "yeah! and i almost had to explode my head when i was pushing it out, too!"

yes, these moments sustain me in some strange way...freaking hilarious.

and i think it's really cool that my fourteen year old has not walked away from the television and election coverage tonight. i think i owe part of this to his founding documents class he's taking in co-op, along with his teacher who i happen to know he really, really likes. but the rest i think really just has to do with an awakening awareness of the world we live in. he mentioned tonight how excited he is to be able to vote in the next election. (which almost made me throw up in my mouth, but i donwannatalkboutthat) i am surprised by how emotional i feel about this election. the realization of an america where an african american man can run for president chokes me up.

alright...was that light? i don't even know. i am soooo morbidly intense right now...i can barely stand myself.

oh, and some thoughts for my spouse's father. he had a heart attack in february, remember? he's re-clogged what they opened already, so surgery is in his future. no one is happy about this. he's a really good man, even if he did instill this overkill work ethic in his sons...so he is on my mind and in my heart.

and this is really small, but my youngest is getting a cold, it sounds like. and since we haven't been sick in so long (which i am grateful for, i promise), it almost makes me cry to hear his hoarse little voice and see his tired little eyes. yes, everything almost makes me cry, but i wanted to mention this one specifically.

peace out

ps--came back to add...so we're still watching election night coverage...and it is cracking me up that my youngest has started referring to the blue states as the rebels and the red states as the empire...think star wars...it's the color of the light sabers, i swear...i don't talk politics with my five year old...anyway...it is, again, one of those things that sustains me.

busy-ness

often in my head, as i'm trying to organize myself to get the next task accomplished, there's a busy signal going...as i'm already working on something. or maybe when i get ready to start a task, my head makes the same sound as a car that's being started that's already ON...you know, since i'm usually already doing something.

and i'm not sure what it is that allows my mind to wander for just a minute and then when it comes back decides we're going to get started on something NEW when we haven't finished the thing we were working before we wandered...you know?

it feels good to be busy. we've gotten a lot done this semester. i wonder sometimes how well we've gotten all that stuff done, but then i try to remember to just focus on the progress and lessons that i may not be able to measure...

it also feels good to not be busy...especially after months of being really busy. we went to our local hs park day yesterday and just hung out. i decided shortly after arriving that we'd leave when the kids asked to leave. so we were there for almost five hours. the weather was gorgeous. and these are kids my guys see weekly at co-op, chess club, robotics, rock climbing...but all these activities are focused and at least semi-structured, if not full blown structured. none of them are full out socializing activities. and let me tell you...watching the kids at park day yesterday was like watching adults at happy hour after a week at work. you could just see how gratifying it was to the kids...how relaxing and fun. it was a sharp contrast to their interactions during the week. not to say that they don't enjoy their more focused times together...i believe they do immensely. but we'd missed park days for a few weeks now and i think yesterday was just really something they needed. and it was awesome to be able to drive them there and watch it. and honestly, it was a happy hour for the mamas, too...

balance.... i think if i don't try too hard to find it, it just pops up at the right time. but then i worry if i think too much about it, it'll just get all out of whack again. but then luckily, my mind's already on the next issue--a grocery list--so i guess i won't chase it away...
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace