a little further thinking

when i was heading to bed last night (which was really this morning, but why am i telling you irrelevant things?), i was thinking about the day..about losing tallu, the people who'd shown up to help me process (and by show up i mean on the phone...my mom, my sister, my friend julie, my sil), and really just whether or not i'd sign up for this race again looking back, knowing what i know. 

i've been trying to live my christian tradition, my catholic faith.  and while there are many doctrines and dogmas people point to and fight about and bicker over, it seems pretty agreed upon that the most important, the most basic, the most identifying readings are the ones where jesus says to love god first...and second, to love your neighbors as yourself...to love each other...that by giving we receive...to love as he has (which was pretty absolutely, there's just no way around it).  and i try to live like that.  but it's hard to trust people...and consequently, i guess it's hard to trust god.  which i think also means i don't really trust myself sometimes.

but last night, knowing that everything was ok, that it had all ended up better than fine...that tallu's death sucked--no way around that--but that we were different in a way we would never have been different without her life and love and yes, her death.  it gave me a little hope...strengthened my faith.

so here's what i thought last night...that i could condense what i'd written in my blog into these simple thoughts...

-love as best you can.  don't be afraid.  or be afraid, but don't hang onto it.  it has never served me as well as i'd hoped and it so gets in the way of love.  and when you've lost your way in fear, start by loving yourself...it'll help. 
-give your heart to people, to animals, to ideas, to causes...because only when you give it do you really get it.  and that can be scary.  but holding on to it, because you're afraid of giving it and not getting anything back, only chokes it and keeps it small. 
-and one last thing...don't ever be too smug about the things you know.  we all know different things at different times...and there are so many things i used to know that i've forgotten or lost only to get them more deeply the next time.  respect the things others know.

peace