Thursday, May 9, 2013

always stuff to work on

my oldest drove himself to school today.  in the car we bought him over the weekend after his wreck on friday.  i've asked him to text me when he gets to school.  he texted me at about two o'clock yesterday..."sorry.  i forgot to text.  i made it.  :)"  i texted back "THANK GOD!!  i was so worried..." 

i wasn't really scared.  not really.  mostly not really.

i got to see him drive up to the dentist yesterday (we met there...sweetness, huh?).  he looks pretty good behind the wheel...he pays attention, seems to know what he's doing, isn't looking all over the place like a little puppy, or headbanging or anything.

i'm just a little nervous.  the tiniest bit.  just about thirty seconds worth of nervous maybe two or three times (or five...maybe five) a day.  and yes, it grabs me at the bottom of the throat for that thirty seconds, but then it goes away.  mostly.

i've heard many times that children are our hearts walking around on the outside.  well, put them behind the wheel of a car and it's a whole new dimension, a whole new scope of that statement.  which is at it should be.  i know this life is not meant to be stagnant.  i know it is meant to be dynamic.  i cannot imagine how my life would have been a fraction of the challenge and complexity it is without children.  i was so focused on trying to please those around me (because it really felt like the best way to survive) that i kind of skated through so much of my life (that's kind of a funny...skating...i really took skating lessons as a one kid thing...i had the skirt and everything...) without really paying attention.  and let me tell you, my attention is sharp this time around...too sharp sometimes...gotta drink some wine to dull it some nights.  ok, i don't really gotta.  but i am alert this time around.  almost painfully so.  and i am learning lots.  oh holy smokes, i'm learning lots.  and the funny thing....i'm less and less concerned with pleasing people as i go.  partly because i'm really starting to believe we're all in this together and any good thing benefits us all...and partly because i just can't look back and study things the way i used time is limited and i'm allocating memory for different things.

an aside...i notice my last run i logged on here was in september of last year.  i haven't been running the way i wanted to be...i don't see myself in full marathon shape in time for my fortieth birthday next february...but i am still running.  doing what i call treadmill rosaries.  i was thinking maybe i'd come update later today.  i could use a perk up...i have to address and assemble graduation invitations today.  as excited as i am about being finished with the high school my oldest chose (it's not been a good year in the history of that high school), it's weird to be addressing his GRADUATION INVITATIONS.  partly because this is an emotional thing for me...and i don't really want lots of people coming.  (yes, i know it's not about's about him...and that's why i'm addressing the invitations....if i really thought it was about me, i'd invite my sister, my mom, and my friend lana...but i'm not just inviting devil's advocate in my own head, back off.)  anyway, maybe looking at how much running i've done in the last seven months will be a good distraction activity when the addressing gets hairy.


ps--blogger needs to get with the times...they're trying to spellcheck the word "texted"...get with it, baby.

1 comment:

Hope said...

gads...look at the, not in a trite 'look at the time kind of way, but seriously...look at the time. 8headshake8