be careful what you ask for

because you just might get it.  and it might not be what you wanted.  but maybe it's what you needed.

i called my mom today.  to talk to her.  about feelings i was having.  feelings i was uncomfortable with.  i won't go into detail because seriously, i blog about enough of my feelings that any of these posts could fill in the blank.  but i will offer it was about my oldest...about him leaving...about my fear of his negative feelings...about my fear that there are things i should've taught him, things i should've done differently, more of, less of...just stuff like that.

she said i sounded crazy.  she suggested i should talk to my therapist.  i told her i'd called my mom instead.  (but i will admit i was seriously wondering if that was the right choice at this point.)

she said i had control issues.  she said i had to stop trying to control him.  i told her that i didn't want to control what he did...but that i was becoming aware that i wanted to control how he felt.  more specifically, i just wanted everything to be fine...okay...maybe even good.  and that i was looking for my faith in this area...waiting for it to kick in...move these crazy feelings out of the way.  (but i wasn't exactly feeling "crazy"...just emotional...and sad...but we'll use her word.)   i mentioned that this fear of other people's negative feelings is what made me such a complacent child...what probably continues to make me a complacent adult.  i mean, i do have a sense of right and wrong that my father drilled a deep loyalty to in me, but if i can find a way to make it all okay without violating my sense of ethics or dismissing anyone, i'll take two of those, please.  and my sensitivity to others' feelings makes me a good parent to my kids...up to about age sixteen or so.  then i just lose my way...don't know where to go with the info i'm taking in...how to act on it.

i know faith is a continuum.  i know life is a journey.  i know the journey is not always pleasant.  i know sometimes it sucks royally.  and i know god is present in it all.  i have faith in that.  it's not always a warm, secure feeling kind of faith.  sometimes it is desperate.  sometimes it is so shaky, i wonder if it's even real or just a figment of my imagination.  sometimes it is deep and solid and grounds me.  like i said...it's a continuum.  i have yet to find a way to keep myself stuck in that place where it's good.  it always changes. 

my mom said i have to let go of control.  let whatever happens be what happens.  stop worrying.  she must've told me to stop worrying fifteen times.  as if repetition would make it happen.  i know i have to stop worrying.  i just don't know how to do that.  i tried doing dishes, reading a book, eating lunch.  it didn't work.  so i called my mom. 

i do feel more at peace.  the thing she said that i needed to hear was that whatever happened, whatever he chose, wherever he was, that i could be sure god was in the middle of it.  and that was what i needed to hear.  i'm trying to rest in that...and not in whether or not i have a control issue or if i'm crazy or why i chose to call my mom and who all she's going to tell i'm crazy and controlling to.  those things will not help me.  and i do know that if i want to teach my kids to focus on what's important, i have to be willing to do the same.

see what i mean?

peace