twitch, twitch...

i am really antsy right now. on the one hand, i could list all the things that are great and fine and wonderful...on the other, i could list all the things that are irritating me, stressing me out, making me sad. i just can't land on either side, which is frustrating, but also a good thing because i do not want to get stuck in the negative.

i think we'll just go camping this weekend. it is probably the best thing to do...but i do not want to take my dogs...i DO want to take my kayak, though... :)

breathe
center myself
breathe
send out good
receive good

peace out

God, the breeze, and shooting stars

last night, i had the dogs outside. (no big surprise, i take them out every night) anyway, i looked up at the stars. (side note: we have really good stars where i live...i try to remember to look at them every night.) so as soon as i looked at the stars, i saw a shooting star. immediately. right when i looked up, the star "shot". if i'd have been a second later, i would've missed it.

awhile back i told my friend lana a story about camping at inks lake. there are very good stars at inks lake, too. so on the way to the bathroom one night, i looked up at the stars, and was totally struck by how many there were, how huge the sky was, how black the night/how bright the stars... it was a beautiful moment. but, in the back of my head, i can't deny, i was thinking a shooting star streaking across the velvet night would've kind of cemented the whole "this is an amazing moment" experience. and then i caught myself.... not fully appreciating the night sky before me because i was looking for a little more "glitter", a little more something. i was caught red-minded...in the process of thinking it and aware of thinking it as well as how sad it was. i asked lana, "why am i always looking for the damn shooting star? why can't i just be happy with the stars?!?!" (and for what it's worth, i had been working on this)

so, last night... i caught this shooting star right when it decided to shoot. and it made me think of my night of wanting...wishing for one when there wasn't one. but what struck me last night, was it was so anticlimactic. (i know, i know...i'm rolling my eyes at myself) but it was still beautiful. it just made me laugh at myself. because i could feel myself feeling like i wasn't PREPARED for that...i wasn't PREPARED to APPRECIATE the moment... but i did. and it was good. and the whole thing made me laugh. (out loud, by myself...which is a good kind of laughter, i've learned)

so then...as i'm sitting there laughing, the breeze comes. and maybe it's because i live in texas, but i have always associated a cool breeze with God reaching out to touch me, take care of me, and most times, just help me cool off (which has so many different meanings). so the breeze comes, and i'm laughing, and i think, "yeah God, i feel you here." but then that makes me think about all the breezes in the world. and how if someone doesn't associate that with God or if someone isn't talking to God when the breeze blows, well...if a tree falls and no one hears is, does it make a noise? so, i think it does. i think the breeze is always there. i think acts of kindness and charity and grace and love are all around us. we just have to tune in. i'm sure there are breezes that i miss...absolutely certain of it. but the ones i experience are real, because i am real. right? ;)

i could spend some more time with this, but my new four year old is asking for orange crackers. (he isn't aware that i am not fond of food coloring and there are no orange crackers in the house...nor have there been) so i am off to help feed him.

(oh God help me...he has pulled out a can of easy cheese--N!!!!......)

peace

happy birthday, little e man...

i have a post brewing...i'm afraid it might be a bit over-steeped, to be honest. but it'll have to wait. today's e's 4th birthday. it's funny to watch my family feeling our baby-est growing up. it affects them all. each of his brothers made a gift of some sort for him. i've never seen my kids spontaneously set out to have a gift for someone--ever. he really still is, in a lot of ways, glue that binds us...with love and laughs, of course.

so the cake is cooling and we've opened a few presents. we'll make pizza tonight, and today has just been a buffet of crap. well, after the whole wheat plus milled flax seed blueberry muffins for breakfast...which, uh, no one ate. i only ate one. dude, let me tell you, those tasted waaay "healthy".... :)

happy birthday, little bit...
peace

grass and philosophy

so today i mowed the grass. front yard and back yard. yeah, i counted that as my workout and i think i sweat so much my skin was hurting... the first time i mowed the grass here, i forgot about the "auto drive" feature on our lawn mower. so i mowed half of it pushing with every muscle in my body...and it was hard. and i felt stupid.

but today i remembered the auto drive, and i used it, and it was still a pretty hard job. i was pushing the mower along, probably only about a quarter of the job left to go, when i thought about how i was pushing the mower....and how different it looks from how N pushes the mower. when i push, my arms are long in front of me, strong, pushing. my back is slanted, pushing. my legs are far behind me, pushing. every damned part of me pushes the mower...even with the auto drive engaged. N...he does not do this. he stands straight and his arms are fairly relaxed. he looks more like he's pushing a baby buggy on a street than our mower through our thick grass on our uneven lawn. and it occurs to me that this is one of those moments in life that illustrates something that's pretty true. N and i do have these different postures in how we approach things. he's usually fairly relaxed and me, well, i tend to hunch down like a cro magnon ready to tackle whatever...not really, but i do tend to launch myself into whatever i do most wholly.

so i try to relax and adopt N's posture at the mower. and it's ok. but not even five minutes later, i find my body back in my own position. so i'm thinking, why am i doing this? this way hurts my neck, my back. why am i pushing so hard? so THAT made me think of labor. and it made me think how during labor is not the time to tell someone they are pushing all wrong, or too hard. (or if you do, you better be pretty fucking careful at how you do it, huh?) and it's also not the time to try to completely change the way you're doing something. i mean, i'll try to get myself to relax, even while mowing the yard. (although yesterday's yoga left my back so out of whack, i'm beginning to get a little discouraged in the mind/body/spirit peace department) but i'm also going to be gentle with myself...because I'M WORKING HERE... we all are. we're all working really hard on stuff and need to remember that. treat ourselves more kindly and gently and treat each other more kindly and gently.

last thing...N's on call tonight. we took him up some dinner, but there were just too many mamas getting ready to have babies for him to eat with us. so he just hugged us all really tightly. it was quite touching and emotional for a little bit. because we all just kind of knew how much he loved us. how much he wished he could spend some time with us. and how much he misses us. i guess it is easier to believe that he loves his job so much that he doesn't miss us when he's there. but tonight, it was so true, it makes me ache to remember it. but we are proud of him and we love him, too.

when we left, n said he didn't want to be a doctor when he grew up. i asked him what he wanted to do and he said be a teacher. i said they had a pretty good schedule. he said he wanted to teach snow boarding... (i am shaking my head here) crazy texas kid...

peace out

the sisterhood

been thinking about this lately...

sometimes it takes awhile for a woman to discover what is true to her heart. and it can take even longer for that woman to find the courage to act on her discovery. particularly if what feels true to her is different from what the sisters before her have done. no woman wants to make another feel as if what they are doing is wrong or not good enough, because we all know how it feels to be judged; it hurts. and i truly believe no woman wants to hurt another woman. but to carve your own space, and do what you feel is right can be daunting and challenging, not just to you, but to those around you. so to take that step...to boldly travel to a place that is new and different, led bravely by your heart but with your mind fully engaged, is exhilarating, liberating. but once there, to allow a daughter or sister to make a choice to go her own way, even away from where you've travelled...to support her in her need to find her own true heart, when it is different from yours...well, it is challenging, yet it is one of those things that makes me proud to be a part of the sisterhood.

women are so rarely content with the status quo. and men find that so frustrating. hell, women find it frustrating too. we look at ourselves sometimes in those male terms...indecisive, emotional, sensitive, temperamental. the ability to recognize the subtlety of human truths and the vast differences in how they are lived...the ability to feel without shame or regret...the ability to respect those same feelings in others...the ability to tune into our surroundings and support those around us...these are all things that make women so powerful. they are the things that we see in each other, admire in each other, respect in each other and support in each other, all the while vowing to put it forward ourselves...and the circle continues. and again, it is a circle i am awed and humbled to be a part of.

i don't know why we let fear weaken us. fear that we aren't or won't be supported, understood, appreciated, or respected by each other. if we only looked inside of ourselves and let go of those weeds of fear, the tree of our faith and trust would grow quickly. but maybe this is to keep us in balance. to keep us humble. to keep us from TAKING OVER THE WORLD.... :)

but imagine a world where we knew the woman next to us was friend. someone who trusts us. someone who we can trust. someone who may make different choices, but that difference does not make her our enemy. if we each respected that unique and individual heart inside us for what it is to her and not what it implies about us. because all the implication should be is a continued search for something more, maybe a resting time until the courage is gathered, maybe still a time of discovery. but supporting each other is, again, contributing to the circle of womanhood, and something that will always come back to us.

there are many sisters i've watched lately do very courageous things. things i am encouraged and inspired by.

but one particular reason this is on my heart is a good friend who is also a homeschooling mama. she is who inspired me to research this option for my family, so i feel a little indebted and, uhm, well, kind of "worship-ful" of her. :) anyway, her oldest daughter will be starting public high school this fall. and while i know it's been a hard journey for both of them to make, i'm deeply touched to have been someone she shared with through the journey (although, i realize, truly, the journey has only just begun...). mostly, i'm encouraged to my core at her wisdom and courage in making this decision with her daughter. i'll tell you, wisdom and courage were not these tidy, neat entities that just came and bestowed order on everything. they were very earthy, and very present through tears and emotions like anger and hurt and healing... much confusion was used to tease them out of the mundane... but they were, i believe, found by an unwavering love and respect for womanhood...a budding womanhood, but also one that is perhaps more experienced, but still growing and learning and every bit as hungry for life as before, intertwined, tangled, growing in tandem, but also growing their own ways...and the tree grows and it shades the world, gives it oxygen and a place for everything to rest, fruits, etc...

got a little gushy there...and maybe it's a little too sappy. but hell, this is a blog and this is all on the fly. :)
have a good day
peace

hallelujah!

we have finished our school week! while this may not exactly be like crossing the finish line of a marathon, it definitely shares some similarities to finishing 30 minutes on the treadmill on the 6 mph program... shit, i'm just happy! :) we're making good progress--hell, even N's happy with it, so we must be just freaking awesome...hehe now i can do all that other stuff that doesn't get done because being a homeschooling mom of four is hard work. (and if you don't think so, this is me flipping you off.......................................................................ok, done)

anyway. everyone is doing really well. i have so much shit to catch up on because i am so busy making sure i'm ready for these guys. it's great, but it's also like starting a full time job. i have all this HOUSEWORK to do. and i HATE housework...(is that a compound word? not sure...spell check will save me) i have bills to pay and animals to take care of and thank yous to write to all the people who love and support us and celebrations to plan marking the births of three of my children...not to mention food to buy and cook, dishes to clean, oh yeah! laundry, floors, boxes...you know, life, whatnot...

i dreamt about camping with my kids last night. it was bare bones camping...not tons of supplies. basically, sleeping bags and a tent. i think we were actually camping outside of some one's fence line. like, in the city. and i don't think we knew them. i was mildly bothered by the idea of the kids peeing somewhere so close to someone else's backyard, but only mildly. it was a good time. relaxing. we were laughing a lot and having lots of fun. kind of weird...

oh, but n's was even weirder. i've been waking him up lately (teenage hormones trying to make him sleep in...i'll see about that!). but it's kind of been nice to lay in bed with him for a minute in the morning, talking. so i scared him this morning. he was dreaming, and when i touched his shoulder, it freaked him out. and he starts telling me this dream. he was in the desert, it was snowing, so he ran into a giant gladware. (and he was not even laughing yet, i swear) and all these spiders run in with him. there are these skinny, red, white, and black spiders that spit venom at him, trying to land it in his eyes. (like a cobra) so he has two pet spiders of his own, thomas and harold. (he does giggle a bit at that) and he's luring them onto the bad spiders to get them to eat the bad ones up. he was working on getting harold to eat the last bad spider when i woke him up. man, is his subconscious having a field day or what? he was pretty amazed at how weird his dream was...

anyone wanna analyze those?...

ok, i need to go make a list...a long freaking list...of all the stuff i need to do that i keep forgetting because i'm homeschooling again. man, it feels good...
peace

let the sun shine

so, i've been pretty pensive. it's just one of those times where a lot of emotion got released and everything kind of got stood up on its head and now we just have to be patient while it settles into the new now, the new real. my nephew is pretty hurt. i think everyone is pretty hurt. when so much goes flying at once, lots of people get wounded by the fallout. (just read the last battle scene of harry potter if you doubt me)

so anyway...

we're schooling here. and grateful to be doing it. i'm one of those moms checking off her daily "to do" list. and the kids and i are glad to have interesting things to talk about. we were getting kind of tired of the whole "and what do you think he was trying to communicate when he pushed you?" line of discussion over and over and over... we're doing history, spelling, creative writing, grammar, handwriting, math, creative journaling, and english from the roots up. i can see where we'll soon finish one of these and have a space for a science for awhile. it's like we're actually doing what i've been wanting to do for a long time. i guess we all finally got mature enough. (and know that i am sure my own maturity was primary in getting us here...)

alright, so i have a number of friends who are brilliant writers. i have a good friend who has agreed to let me post a beautiful poem she wrote awhile back. poetry...wow...there's something i haven't done in awhile. but denise did...and here's her poem. (the spacing's a little wonky. when i copy and paste these, the spacing goes away altogether.) but all the words are hers...enjoy.

The Last Straw

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise.
Eric Hoffer

She falls into bed exhausted
leaden arms, collapsed shoulders
throbbing feet
aches of loneliness
miles between her side
and his
her weak voice, anticipates rejection
“Will you rub my feet?”

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.

He grumbled, tossed, rolled
unintelligible words mumbled
over his lips into the brocaded comforter
lost in spongy astronaut fibered pillows

The sheep’s in the meadow,

A little stronger now, what the hell
it wasn’t like she came begging for a blow job
“My feet, they ache, I was on them all day,
chasing children, working horses.”
Please will you rub them?”

The cow’s in the corn

She flashed to the days
when they spent more nights
apart than together,
recalled empty-bedded evenings wishing him next to her
living on promises of things to come:
loving, simple caresses, intimate conversations
moments
when they would be together
now,
he was here
and they were never further apart

Where is the boy that looks after the
sheep?

Her plea for touch
to validate the emptiness
of a mother’s, a wife’s, a woman’s duties
asking for
someone to turn to in these days of
midlife crises and fading bliss
With a pillow in the crook of his arm
fisted hand under his head
back to his beloved
he pulls covers over his shoulders
blanketing out her request
erasing her existence

He’s under the haystack fast asleep.

he begins to snore

Will you wake him?

She considers her options
throbbing arches, cracking knees
calves with strings of hot muscle running up and down
and up and down
she flings back covers, plomps an old
threadbare pillow under her legs
lies back and slowly
recovers herself.
Turning away, she closes her eyes
and mentally begins the list
the list of belongings she’ll tuck in her suitcase
tomorrow morning

Will you wake him?
No, not I;
For if I do, he’ll be sure to cry.

dlmoore may 8, 2007