good night, moon

back home. the wedding was beautiful. i really did well focusing on the beauty around me and being grateful for being able to witness it. mario and lindsey will be happy. and many of us will support them as part of our tribe...

tomorrow, packing and cleaning... thank god julie is here to help... prayers to my babies still in our home town. i miss them, but i will work hard til they get here...

oh, and the dogs and rabbits were fine...whew...it's such a weight off my thoughts...

and i got to eat a little jesus...maybe that's why things are okay... and some blessings to my neighbor. jennifer, i am so grateful to have lived next door to you! :)

peace

a little inventory

yawn, i did not sleep well. too much coffee at ihop...ugh

so we've got one load moved to our new town. N's at the inspection now.

we've got wedding clothes...i just have to pack us up, dress us for rehearsal, and i think it'll be a lovely event. back home by sunday to keep packing.

monday, julie will have to help me figure out how we're going to pack up and move all these animals. that's all i'm going to say about that for now.

it is weird...this all seemed so slow and painful, and now it's just zipping by. it's overwhelming. i said good bye to park days last week. i know i'll have more park days, but these were my first park days and we attended them for three years and, well, they rocked. it was strange to say good bye to it. i was feeling pretty quiet. just kind of left quietly, too. well, i WAS hungover... but it was also peaceful. lot of learning, lot of growing, and i'm at peace with it all. and that is an amazing group of kids...i will miss being a part of their lives so regularly, but i am grateful for the time i got to watch them grow and i know they're all going to make the world a little bit better place.

ok, well, probably the best way to get stuff done is to get off my butt...

peace

sigh, i'm tired....

but i guess it's a good kind of tired...or as good as it's going to get at this point...

we were so busy today. packed the 26 foot moving van N rented...he drove it up to our new town and filled a friend's garage with our stuff. (thank you friend) i packed and loaded and kept moving stuff over like, "yes, this too..." hehe then i got to take the kids to the mall (gag) after taking them to pick up tuxes. bought millions of dollars worth of wedding clothes. (ok, not millions, but a few hundred. and i realize that whatever i buy n goes into the hand me down pile for the rest of the boys, but sheesh, that was a chunk) then i went to a board meeting for my bunny group at ihop. poor guys, sat at ihop for two and a half hours while we hashed out a graceful exit for the existing board and a promising entrance for the rest. got some good stuff said and worked through, and then sweetness...they gave me a really beautiful necklace and an even more beautiful card for my going away gift...it was the sweetest thing. i am constantly humbled by the paths we get to walk that we never even expect...and richness that comes from it. again, i learn it's good that i'm not in charge. whoever is does a better job than i could figure out...i am grateful for my time with this group, the ways it has challenged and grown me, and the amazingly wonderful people i've been graced by walking with...

ok, i've tried on my wedding clothes and determined that as long as i don't eat that day, i'll be fine. chuckle, chuckle... i think we'll all be well outfitted. well, at least we shouldn't embarrass anyone. now if we could only be sure e will actually walk down the aisle and the rings will make it with him, life will be good. many prayers and blessings to mario and lindsey as they prepare for their day. i hope, as a community, we do well raising them up and supporting them in their journey. wedding is truly a gift...and like most gifts, we might wonder at times what we're supposed to do with this, or think about what else would've been better in its place, or just generally not appreciate it...but like my necklace tonight, it often brings sweetness and humility and gratitude in amazingly graceful ways...

peace out all

hmmmm....

i really don't even know why to say, but i signed on, so there must've been something i was thinking about, looking to unload...

i am too old to drink a lot AND stay up late. it does not feel good in the morning...well, or much of the rest of the next day.

i have boundary issues. my whole life i've always had really, really close friends. and the ones who weren't...well, i'd get kind of pissed at them. i've never had a poker face, always worn my emotions openly, and i've always tried really hard to not piss people off, no matter why or how reasonable it was or wasn't. bottom line....i'm a little different. and i'm glad. i think i will learn to set better boundaries in new relationships and appreciate the boundaries in the relationships i have. makes me think of the mending fences poem...

i've really enjoyed making jewelry the past few weeks. this is good. it is therapeutic. and it looks good on, too... (haha)

i have a really great mama tribe. they are so diverse and i am so blessed by these beautiful people in my life.

my husband is pretty wonderful, too. hell, the kids, too.... (getting all sheepish)

i guess i'm pretty fucking lucky. well, it's a good thing i opened up my blog today...
peace

how, exactly, does one surrender?

i am trying hard, but it is not coming easily. ok, maybe i'm not really to the trying hard part, yet. maybe i'm mostly thinking hard about trying hard...

"i'm rubber, you're glue. whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you." i see the edge to this statement, but otherwise, isn't it ultimately about surrender. not absorbing everyone's feelings? allowing someone to say something in your presence without taking it on as "my shit"... ok, maybe not the sticks to you part... i'll have to find a better mantra...

peace

whoa...hug your kids

so today was a thought-provoking kind of day. i went to visit a friend, and not far down from her house (not far at all) there was an accident. a young man on a motorcycle ran into a tractor. those who saw it said he didn't look very good. but after listening to them describe his injuries, i think there's a chance he'll make it. we'll have to see...

it was weird driving up on the scene. it was just a house or two down from my friend's house, and there were all these lights--firetrucks, police cars...it was obvious someone was hurt. and i was scared for a minute it was someone who lived in my friend's house. but then i figured it was too close to me, not close enough to her... i was relieved. but sad someone in our human tribe over here in the texas coastal area was hurt. everyone thought he was dead. i can't even imagine seeing a person crumpled on the ground bleeding. apparently, his leg was pretty badly injured. but that won't necessarily kill him... we'll just have to see. i think jeanni and i were praying at the same time...or nearly the same time...for this kid, with our families.

she kept talking about kids thinking they were bulletproof. what i know is that i can't protect them from everything...as they grow into their own people, they will always choose ultimately. hell, even o, at seven, posed the "big question"...."AM I FINISHED YET?" to which was responded, "NO". kids escape death so often, and so many times without anyone else knowing how truly deeply they "questioned".... maybe that's it. or part of it. kids are more in tuned with their mortality. the further we get from that separation of individual spirit and collective goodness, the more we falsely convince ourselves we are in charge and it is up to us to stay alive. maybe that's why little ones wear out big ones. because they are flexible and free, not just in their bodies or young consciousnesses, but in their spirits, where it matters. and we, well, we're kind of stiff and tethered to our defenses, our comforts, our habits. i will think about this today. and not the other crap that's clogging my brain...hehe

peace

keep on keeping on

man, ain't that the truth?

continued house hunting...put in an offer on a house we really like...we'll see what comes back. we set a deadline--tomorrow at 5pm...we're learning, we're learning. so we've somewhat got a handle on that. or are getting a handle.

came home and slept like a rock. i sleep much better when i don't go crazy with the drinking. which makes eating the better vice...but i was kind of enjoying slimming down a little... where's the balance?

mama tribe stuff is still a little wonky. all i can do is try to be the best i can be. i know i was ugly, and i apologized, and i can't let the ugly time define me...although i usually would. but i've tried to make things right, and i deserve forgiveness just as much as the next person. so i refuse to hide. but, well, it's tempting... it's almost as hard to make myself go out and act like i am ok about this as it would be just to ball up and disconnect... and i'm sure, one day down the line, i'll be able to find the wisdom and life lessons in all of this...

for now, i'll take the kids visiting a bit.
peace out