one more thing

i think i posted a link to a really cool harry potter song on this website called brotherhood 2.0. well, the friend who sent me the link to the video (one very cool mama) left me a message recommending i go listen to the july 27th entry on the website. and because she is right, and it is brilliant, i thought i'd post another link...

http://brotherhood2.com/ remember, july 27th. i will have to visit that site next time i have a few minutes...

peace

guest blogger...hehe

so, here's something a friend sent that i thought was beautiful and asked if i could put here. she said yes!!! enjoy...

JMJ

Okay I am not sure how this is related to my guys over there or if it even is but here's a story.

Sunday I am sitting in Mass--late and alone, woohoo no one to tell to not wipe boogers on your brother to--kiddos and dad went to early--anyway this lady sitting in front of me is glaring at this other woman to my right who is coughing...yeah yeah she should get up and leave...honestly she is surrounded by very large relatives on either side and getting out would be as mortifying as sitting there and trying to get her cough under control which by her purple face and bulging eyes I am thinking she is trying to do...

anyway...if you know don't know anything about Catholic Mass we have opening prayers, a first reading, psalms, second reading and then we read from the Gospel...all an all about 25 minutes for the first half of Mass. THE WHOLE TIME this mean lady is shooting filthy looks at this intermittently coughing lady. Normally, if you are going to get up at our church you try to wait through the Gospel and I am certain this is what this little Hispanic lady was trying to do--well-- okay-- I am pretty sure the first thing she was actually trying to do was will the floor to open up and swallow her whole, but no luck.

Anyway--mean lady glares, cough lady coughs and I get madder and madder. I'm staring at the crucifix hanging 50 feet ahead and 15 feet over mean lady's head and I'm actually looking to see if by some freak of nature or a sudden and overwhelming need for God to make an example of someone that Jesus will lift his head right there and let mean lady have it. Yeah yeah figuratively people figuratively--I'm Catholic not crazy....anyway so she goes for her 756 shot at cough lady and before I have actually finished my silent imploration to God, my mouth opens up and I hear, "Look, you have to stop giving that woman such mean looks" come flying out of my mouth.

Initially, the look on mean lady's face was a smile as though I was commiserating with her...then it shifted when my words hit her eardrums and she flung around and lifted a shoulder up in cough lady's direction. I was HOT. HOT! I tell you. What the hell? What is WRONG with people. WHY WHY WHY are we so hateful and unkind? What is the purpose? Why do people sleepwalk through their life and fail to show mercy when so much is shown to us by others?

Okay so then I look up and see our priest giving the same hateful look. I was floored. Floored I mean on his best day this guy has the personality of a speed bump, but he is minutes away from consecrating bread and wine and his only thought is to show disapproval? I left. I just got up walked the center aisle of the Church and walked home. I didn't even wait for my ride.

Yes, cough lady was having a hard time, maybe she could have got up, but by the look on her face and her timid nature in general I think she was rooted. Someone in that Church had to have a freaking cough drop. Monsignor could have had an acolyte go tot he sacristy and bring her a cup of water for goodness sake. I did look for one in the narthex, or lobby of the church, but there wasn't anything to put water into...anyway...I left. I considered walking back up and going to the sacristy and getting some there but I wondered about my own motives and I was seriously angry and didn't trust myself to go back in there and look at that man's face and not say the same thing to him...so I left, walked home and it started to rain. I was hot and sweaty walking and it started to rain. I looked up, thanked God and started to laugh.

Hope

upward and onward

so, what today? church issues? people issues? the whole blog concept issues? decisions, decisions...

i got cut off pretty abruptly with my church issues last time. i just feel like when people tell me Jesus died for MY sins, they're trying to guilt me into complying with whatever THEY think i need to be doing to show i appreciate it. i think Jesus' death and his resurrection, whether bodily or spiritually, is powerful. but i, at least at this point in my life, find much more power in his life. the way he lived. and the way he confronted death. he was so human and he was so holy at the same time.

last night i had this strange thought or these strange thoughts, or whatever. i was taking my dogs outside for their last hurrah before bed and i started thinking about the neighbors behind me that i don't know. i started thinking along the lines of the movie "kiss the girls" i think. seen it? killer watches unsuspecting victims behavior until he knows more about them than their mothers and then just takes them. (yeah, really complex movie, huh? it was good, seriously) anyway, so i take the girls out every night around the same time. and it would be weird if something happened to me... so i'm getting ooked out.

well, in bed later, i'm thinking about when stuff like this happens. how we all tell the stories to scare each other into being more careful (as if one is supposed to anticipate the actions of a psycho) and whatnot... and i thought, well, what if each woman in these stories, if they're even true, confronted death like Jesus...even just a little. and all we tell are these stories of fear and cruelty and horror. i mean, there was plenty of that when Jesus died. the story could very well go, "and then my nephew, Jesus, he was put to death by the stupid government. it was so awful, he was such a good boy. but the bastards killed him, put him on a cross. stabbed him. he cried and got a little loopy at the end. his mom was sooo sad. bastards." and the end. we could focus on government corruption, fear, anger, cruelty...it's all there. but that's not the message of the story. and i just can't help but wonder if these women who have all these stories of being overpowered by men are leaving a bigger legacy that we're just ignoring. i don't know. maybe i'm just talking shit...it WAS late when i was having this particular line of thought. but it just makes me sad to think of death as senseless. if i die, somebody better find something fucking sensible to say..."she fought for her family. she loved them ferociously. she wanted her family to love everyone the way she loved them. and don't be afraid or angry now that she's dead. just fucking remember what she taught you." you know...something like that... i don't know....

blogging...what is this? it's like a journal. i sure put some personal stuff here. but there is some stuff too personal for here. i'm not even sure what to think of it, other than it's easier to do this when i'm already checking email, and i don't have to go find my real journal and a pen. i will continue to think about this...

peace

church talk

sooo, i have a few issues with our new church. first of all, they are the nicest, friendliest people i've ever seen convened at one location. and so some of this will feel strange saying and some of it will just be me trying to figure out the story of Jesus and how it is interpretted...

first of all, the music is not so good. ok, it's really kind of terrible. it's like the people singing in the choir don't know the tune to the song...so the whole congregation sings off tune. it's weird. whenever there's a song i think i know, i'm never sure, because the words seem right, but they're just singing it so differently.... and they also sing extremely slowly, which is just strange to me, because really, the only thing more awful than a song being sung terribly is a song being sung terribly just a little slower...and a little longer...

but i guess mostly, i just feel like i'm at a protestant church. part of it is the music...i really liked the music when i went catholic. but there's just been a lot of focus on Jesus dying for my sins at this church. and i guess that just seems out of place to me. (but maybe it's not, i just have to work it around a bit...) Jesus died for the sins in everyone...the sins of greed, of selfishness, of hate, of rage....he died because good always outlasts, wins, trumps, triumphs, lives on. because it is the true tie that binds us and keeps us alive.

more later
peace

holy moly, racamoni

we are such a diverse and varied people...and our egos just really mess it all up. ok, just kidding. our egos just add another dimension to our diversity and variety. (another big, huge dimension)

yesterday was an emotional day. not that that's a bad thing. i had another blog entry started a few days ago about how i find myself focused on good, or positive, or even attractive things. let me explain... i think a lot while i'm driving. when i was focusing a few years back on the God in everyone, i would look at people on the road, in their cars, and think, "that's God. that person has God in them, and that person...and that one that just honked at me and flipped me off has God in them, too." so yesterday, i was driving and thinking about how when i see people laughing in a car, i want to smile. when i see people fighting in a car, i want them to stop. but that i need to work to retrain myself to be okay with the natural progress of things and the fact that fighting isn't always bad or to be avoided or even to be ended. hence, the attraction to good, positive, attractive, but the missing of the value of bad, negative, or unattractive moments. (and those adjectives are all qualified and quantified based on my perspective, so it's not like they're absolute) anyway....

so yesterday was emotional, but that's not a bad thing. i have some prayers for my nephew, but they're also for all of us lifting my nephew up as we also hold him in our hearts. that we're all searching to find the truth in us and have the courage to make it the truth of our lives. that we have the strength to believe we are capable of good and try to do it. that we have the faith in each other to raise each other up. that we rise on our own, and not on each other's backs. that we treat each other the way Jesus treated people.

mostly, i just want my nephew to have faith in his ability to make a good choice. i think he gets so defeated that he doesn't want to try. he's tired of failing, so he fails in his own way and he's not surprised when people are disappointed with him. but i know he wants to do things differently. i feel that. and i just pray that he finds his faith and his courage. i love him and i care about him and his health, his mind, his spirit. i want him to find a little peace. i wish he knew how to be quiet with himself, and alone. and i think he wishes he knew how to as well. but i don't know how to show him....

ok, consider this sent to God's inbox...
peace

world keeps turning

little check in time with myself... we're here. (bahaha, nothing like starting at the beginning) we're back to schooling. this is good. we like the area. that is very good. house is alright--got more work to do there. kids are getting along...a little too much tv, but breaking from video games for a month has been niiiice. N and i are alright. N's ok....tired, overwhelmed, one minute defeated, the next a fairly confident novice doctor...all seems fairly normal. one moment everything's a result of MY character flaws and diseased thinking, the next i am strong and hold the family together and am wonderful. (this is from his perspective...i'm not on my mental status yet here) i think this is all fairly normal. i don't know if seeking balance means we seek to rest there in the middle of it or if we're just supposed to appreciate it as we keep running from one end of the spectrum to the other?... i think we're improving on the latter, and i have no idea if we'll ever get to the first. perhaps in our sixties or seventies....

the dogs...yikes...i need to go let them in for a bit. but miss kitty brought in all the MUD last night....grrrrr the fish are happy, the bunnies are, well, they're healthy and safe. we're working on more outside time as we get our shit together a bit more...

and i, well, i am resting, working, healing, waking, stretching, sunning, bathing, basking, reading, teaching, talking, listening. it's a good feeling. kind of like being born again a bit. (only i'm already addicted to caffeine and i have to cook for everyone) my sister is coming up this weekend. i could list the many reasons this rocks, but i gave her the link to this blog and don't want to blow her head up. but i look forward to it. she is a good auntie to my children and i don't know what i enjoy more--her company or watching her in the company of my children.

oh, there were other lyrics...well, they escape me now.

but here's a link to a very good harry potter song that this young man wrote before the book was released...the kids and i are loving it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA

peace out

cycles

we've been busy schooling around here. everyone's pretty happy about it, but we're also pretty tired... we've been talking a lot about opposites, about cycles...day and night, summer and winter...happy and sad, stuff like that. and i would say more, but my head hurts, so run wild with it.

but there are two things that have been bumping in my head lately that i thought i'd stop in here to deposit for a bit. i've been thinking about that sunday school song about the two men...one built his house on the sand and the rains came a'tumbling down. and then the house on the sand went splat. and then the other man built his house upon the rock, rinse lather repeat, but his house stayed up. i just have a loved one who's working in some serious sand and i'd like to find a way to point that out kindly....

the other thing... i was listening to the radio and heard U2...oh man, i've got to go get another one of those. anyway...it was mysterious ways and these lines were just screaming to me, heavy with meaning...relevance, really...i'll leave with them...

to touch is to heal
to hurt is to steal
if you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel
on your knees boy

peace