getting back up again

there is a saying about getting back up on a horse--i use it a lot. but i really don't enjoy horseback riding. it scares the hell out of me. horses are huge animals and i just don't have much confidence with them. i'm fairly certain if one threw me, i'd never get back up on another one again. i'm sure i could live the rest of my life without ever feeling another horse under me...wild, huh? ;)

but that doesn't mean i don't have to proverbially get back up on the horse, i suppose. and that's what i prayed about and meditated on last night. i talked to my mom about it, too. (well, not my fear of horses...my fear that i was about to lose it even though i was holding on very tightly.) she said i was a spectacular person and she loved me. it almost made me cry. i told her i'd settle for being a "spec" person and she laughed.

i have had many thoughts about relationships...between people, between families, within oneself. i just don't always understand why it gets so hard. my dad says it's good we're all different, the world would be really boring if we were the same. to which i reply yes, but it'd be a little less of a clusterfuck if we weren't all so totally freaking different, right? and he laughs.

i am good at making people laugh, sometimes. i am not good at figuring out how to deal with those difficulties, most of the time. and this is why i will be searching for a counselor when i get back from vacation. less laughing, more figuring out...or a better balance between the two.

i cleaned out the rabbit cages today. it was the freakingest most disgustingest job in the world. but it is done. and i feel like mother theresa to those rabbits. (yeah, yeah, i know...i'm the asshole who let them get so gross...give me a moment, ok?) but i do think service is a good thing...good for the soul. now to take down the dead christmas tree...

i am still holding on. i think it will be alright...and i think that makes all the difference.

peace