Sunday, January 6, 2008

recap and letting go

so, the tests for my mom did start happening that day. and by that night, the shit had hit the fan...

see, my mom is a clinical nurse specialist in oncology. now, i think spots on a ct-scan would worry the average person that they had cancer, but for my mom, it was kind of a total doomsday feeling to hear that she had, not just spots, but also a soft tissue mass. all in areas that made it seem like she probably had, oh, pancreatic cancer. only, her pancreas was clear on the ct. but that didn't stop her gi-doc from doing an endoscopic sonogram to be 100% sure...

all to say she doesn't have cancer. she does have something going on with her blood that caused her to clot off her splenic artery...but that feels like a splinter compared to thinking my mother was going to die of pancreatic cancer. maybe it doesn't quite feel like a splinter to her...but i guess this isn't her blog, huh? (haha, i know that sounds shitty, but ain't it the truth?)

anyway... now the letting go part. i am either completely toxic emotionally and psychologically or i'm getting the flu. not sure... things are still so tense at home and i am not feeling like being the glue to hold this family together right now. i am w-i-p-e-d o-u-t.....and i think N feels like he's pretty wiped, too. but i am so wiped, i just don't care how wiped he feels...winning situation, hey?

i am looking forward to skiing next week. or leaving for skiing next weekend. i think the kids are, too. but i need to get myself to a better place, that's for sure. well, maybe it's not up to me to get myself there, but i need to go...if that makes sense. which i don't think it does anywhere but in my head...i can't find the words right now...worms, roxanne....

there is much more i want to say...the craziness of my family that i love and identify with and am completely repulsed by at the same time...the miracle of friendship and women who will raise you up when you can barely walk through that stretch of your journey...the endlessness of it all when minutes drag by like nails on a chalkboard, or the hundredth intro to "iron man"...whichever you find more grating at the moment. but my head pounds, my face aches, and my muscles are begging me for just a few more minutes on the couch with my hot sock. N is going to be so disappointed at the complete lack of things we've accomplished. but maybe he's going to have to practice a little letting go himself...yeah, right.


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