taking care of needs and looking for grace

that title pretty much says it all.  that's been what things have been about for me lately.  i do this thing where i get so far behind on taking care of myself.  nursing a toddler, running around and organizing schedules for five kids (and a spouse who's a new doc...but i'm barely claiming him this week, so...), packing one house and getting ready to move to the next.  add to that an 89 year old grandma's birthday and a niece's med school graduation (both three hours away from where you live...) and you've got a rather hairy week.  add to that, a spouse and two kids gone for four days (on a freaking vacation for the most part...not that i'm bitter...well, i didn't START OUT bitter about it anyway...) and you get bedtime duty with the two year old that whole time.  while dealing with the teen.  who happens to think the parent on vacation is the better parent.  but you're stuck there.  putting the two year old to sleep, like you even give a crap about whether or not the teen thinks you're a good parent, just go to bed for the love of god.  but wait a minute.  why does the teen sound like the spouse when he's telling you what a crappy person you are...how you don't care, how you think he's all bad, how nothing he does is right, how you're ALWAYS so negative and aggressive and pissy.  now THAT'S enough to piss a woman off.  the spouse may not give lessons how to clean up after himself or be helpful around the house, but somehow he's managed to coach him in how to reduce a woman, or THIS woman at any rate, to a pile of nothing mixed with a whole bunch of tears.  and then the final crapola line?  "and dad never gets all emotional and lets a conversation fall apart like you do."  that's when the pile and tears of me went down a drain and was never to be seen again.  well, that's what i was wishing.  really, i was just an almost forty, squishy with bad posture, bags under my eyes, hair all over the place, broken out (what the HELL is that about?  seriously?  zits at 38?  anyone wonder why i'm so cranky lately?) woman, bawling and feeling pretty broken in front of this beautiful person i gave birth to 17, almost 18 years ago, who's clearly gone bad on the inside because he doesn't give a shit about anything but being right at this moment and yes, is even mocking his crying mother.  well...let me excuse myself.  and that's what i did.

i then proceeded to text his father and tell him how similar they are to each other.  how hurt i was.  how i'd obviously messed this one up and should we hire a professional to raise the other four?  he was unusually positive about the whole thing.  which i thought was weird, but decided to embrace.  it was two or three days later before he let slip that the reason he was up was because the spurs were playing and he was excited to be able to catch the whole game in the hotel room where he was ON VACATION.  while i was being deconstructed by our oldest.  i do  not know why God works this way.  it is really unfair...just sayin.  and since he's been home, my spouse has talked to my oldest about that weekend exactly once.  (no wonder the oldest thinks his dad is a better communicator, huh?)  but the husband has managed to let me know on two or three occasions since being home this last week that perhaps i am struggling with this stage of life and hearing these things from my oldest because of my ego and my pride.  and that makes me want to move to australia (with alexander...you know the book, right?).

so, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, i happen to have a friend who will listen to me when i am a puddly pile of nothing planning my relocation to australia.  and she helped me recognize that i had not met some of my needs.  that this was a particularly rare clusterfuck of events...a vacation for half of us at the same time the other half are, erm, struggling.  the end of a long renovation project and the packing and move that come at the end.  a week of the spouse at home (which for those sahm i know, is always stressful).  exhaustion break down for the mom.  so yeah.  i guess the circumstances were extra stressful.

oh, i also missed church last sunday.  and while i no longer believe that st. peter is at the golden gates of heaven with some attendance sheet tallying how many sundays you missed, i do find that i learn a lot listening to our pastor at church.  a lot about god's love for me, a lot about how to love others, and just a lot about what's good in this world and how to bring myself in line with that.  a few sundays ago he even talked about our natural lives and our supernatural lives.  i just really, really feel myself being cracked open when i go to church these days...the music, the prayers, the homily...and it lets in light and allows things to grow in places i'd left untouched because i just didn't know how to access them, or if the church wanted me to, or if God loved those parts.  ah.  it is all so confusing and compelling...so frustrating and redeeming.  anyway, yesterday fr. james talked to us about the holy spirit.  it was pentecost sunday...when the holy spirit came upon the disciples and everyone spoke a different language, but everyone was understood.  that's sort of the opposite of my house the last week, where we all speak english but don't understand a damned thing anyone says.  but maybe that's the point?  fr. james said the reason everyone understood each other on pentecost sunday was because they all spoke the language of love.  so maybe in my family, we need to get to a place where we can feel that love again?  communicate it?  maybe we all have to have those times where we can't understand each other to help us appreciate when we can?  this is a huge leap for me, because i tend to believe that hurt is being done that will never heal and eventually the only answer will be one of us moving to australia.  but i'm trusting in the holy spirit.  and maybe the holy spirit will direct me to australia.  but not today.  so i will do the best i can with today.  and if that means staying in while the men in my family do yard work, then that is my best.  if it means blogging while the littlest eats her yogurt, then i will do it.  i will trust in myself and stop looking to others as though they are more trustworthy in their appraisals of me than i am.  because they are probably working through their own bullshit.  and when our paths cross, or we have words, i will trust in the holy spirit, or the grace of God, to guide us.  but let me be honest, i will not sign up for unnecessary crossing of paths or having of words...i am not one to tempt God, just sayin.

so for now, my best is to sit and watch my two year old eat her yogurt.  it's hilarious watching her get these huge spoonfuls and lick them off until there's a reasonable bite size amount left in the spoon.  the she takes her bite and dabs at her mouth with her napkin.  i wonder when we'll move into our house?  i wonder when my spouse and i will speak again?  i wonder when we will be able to settle into life again?  a space again?  a rhythm again?  will we even have harmony again?  i probably sound over emotional...i've been getting that a lot lately.  but i do have faith these things will happen in time...when the right time comes.  the in between has never been my best thing.  but i'm working on it.  (and i'm just going to say, i don't think that work is born out of my ego OR my pride...)

peace