some randomness

there have been so many things going on in my mind lately...it all seems random because i'm not spending much time on one particular thing. i mean, it's all related...and i understand what drives me from one thought to the next when i'm making the jump. but i admit i often look back and think, "what the hell was i thinking about?" and then give up rather than try to figure it out because there's probably something i should be doing...

and maybe that's why it's occurred to me several times lately how fragile things are...how uncertain...how fluid...how easily courses are switched in the blink of a decision. the other night i was going to call my spouse, but the hospital number wasn't on my caller id and i couldn't remember it, so i didn't. did he need to hear from me? i don't know. i thought it was a good idea until i realized i'd have to look the number up and then i figured he'd be fine. and he was. but it made me laugh to see the dime that decision turned on. and that's just the one i caught, i was aware of.

there have been times i've seen later the slight breeze that changed a course...was it fate? god? my will? evil? indifference? survival?

there are so many times i feel like i don't have a choice...or like i didn't have a choice. i know the kids feel the same way, too, often. i know my spouse suffers the same delusion. but we have lots of choices. and for some reason, the more i walk this path that i feel may crush me with its pressure, the more i realize just how many choices i have to get off of it. and i'm glad.

this has happened once before in my marriage...where i had to find all the different choices i had for getting out of it so that i could choose to be in it. staying only because i had no choice was making me miserable and i was turning into a pretty awful person. after finding all these other options, i chose to stay in my marriage.

i imagine we'll stay this medical course...but there are lots of different ways to walk it. and who says medicine has to be the most imposing part of this journey anyway? (ah, see, i just found another choice...)

this sounds all kind of loopy to me today. i didn't sit down with the intention to write this. i sat down determined to focus my thoughts long enough to write something. i have a lot of stuff to do today...and a lot of it is stuff i was supposed to do earlier in the week, but kept getting distracted from. and i've been choosing my distractions...i was aware of those choices. but i need to get this other stuff done now.
peace

choices

i am struck by the thought that i try so hard to make the "right" choice when, in fact, there are so many choices to be made.... i also laugh at myself when i hear myself say "but i had no choice"...i laugh on the inside, of course, but it is really a rather ridiculous statement. there are always choices. i do need to keep on practicing stillness, so that when i don't think i have a choice, i can see that i always do. because only when i act freely am i able to take complete responsibility for what i do. if i didn't have a choice, how responsible could i be? but if i chose something, then i am responsible, right?

there are more places i want to go with this, but i'm feeling kind of vulnerable these days. which is fine...i will still survive. (chuckle) but i have a lot to do and don't have the time to wrestle with myself about what to put out here right now...it is my choice and i'm making it sorta carefully this morning.

but i will put in here that my car was having issues last week. after much driving around and having a little work done here and the bulk of the work done there, i got it back and four of the air conditioning vents didn't work. which was ok, but it occurred to me that they worked before i took the car in and perhaps the work the dealership did on the car caused the vents to stop working. i called and asked even though two men in my life said that the dealership would never take responsibility for the vents not working and would charge me to fix them. (well, the vents weren't necessary, so i wasn't going to pay, but i digress) i took the car in, they immediately took it back, and in less than ten minutes, they brought it back to me and said they'd reconnected the vacuum hose they'd dislodged when they were replacing my ignition coil. they even thanked me for bringing it in to let them fix. that was a lot of choices...choices for the men at the dealership, choices for the men in my life, and of course, my own choices. it has put quite the bounce in my step today.

peace