some randomness

there have been so many things going on in my mind lately...it all seems random because i'm not spending much time on one particular thing. i mean, it's all related...and i understand what drives me from one thought to the next when i'm making the jump. but i admit i often look back and think, "what the hell was i thinking about?" and then give up rather than try to figure it out because there's probably something i should be doing...

and maybe that's why it's occurred to me several times lately how fragile things are...how uncertain...how fluid...how easily courses are switched in the blink of a decision. the other night i was going to call my spouse, but the hospital number wasn't on my caller id and i couldn't remember it, so i didn't. did he need to hear from me? i don't know. i thought it was a good idea until i realized i'd have to look the number up and then i figured he'd be fine. and he was. but it made me laugh to see the dime that decision turned on. and that's just the one i caught, i was aware of.

there have been times i've seen later the slight breeze that changed a course...was it fate? god? my will? evil? indifference? survival?

there are so many times i feel like i don't have a choice...or like i didn't have a choice. i know the kids feel the same way, too, often. i know my spouse suffers the same delusion. but we have lots of choices. and for some reason, the more i walk this path that i feel may crush me with its pressure, the more i realize just how many choices i have to get off of it. and i'm glad.

this has happened once before in my marriage...where i had to find all the different choices i had for getting out of it so that i could choose to be in it. staying only because i had no choice was making me miserable and i was turning into a pretty awful person. after finding all these other options, i chose to stay in my marriage.

i imagine we'll stay this medical course...but there are lots of different ways to walk it. and who says medicine has to be the most imposing part of this journey anyway? (ah, see, i just found another choice...)

this sounds all kind of loopy to me today. i didn't sit down with the intention to write this. i sat down determined to focus my thoughts long enough to write something. i have a lot of stuff to do today...and a lot of it is stuff i was supposed to do earlier in the week, but kept getting distracted from. and i've been choosing my distractions...i was aware of those choices. but i need to get this other stuff done now.
peace