reading through the tears

yes, it's been an emotional week. and that could be what i mean by the title... but it isn't. i've finished reading lamb...even though i was pretty sure i knew how it would end (i mean, can a fictional book about christ's life really go that far?..), it was hard to finish. but it was a brilliant book. i really loved reading it. and whether i was laughing so hard or caught so off guard by some way mr. moore would state things, or some insight, or just the beauty of some of what he wrote...i cried a lot while reading it. i highly recommend it.

here are some of my favorites...

[christ/josh to biff]
"How are we doing on the Beatitudes?"
"Pardon me?"
"The blesseds."
"We've got: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness; blessed are the poor in spirit, the pure in heart, the whiners, the meek, the--"
"Wait, what are we giving the meek?"
"Let's see, uh, here: Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say, 'attaboy.'"
"A little weak."
"Yeah."
"Let's let the meek inherit the earth."
"Can't. You gave the earth to the whiners?"
"Well then, cut the whiners and give the earth to the meek."
"Okay. Earth to the meek. Here we go. Blessed are the peacemakers, the mourners, and that's it."
"How many is that?"
"Seven."
"Not enough. We need one more. How about the dumbfucks?"
"No, Josh, not the dumbfucks. You've done enough for the dumbfucks. Nathaniel, Thomas--"
"Blessed are the dumbfucks for they, uh--I don't know--they shall never be disappointed."
"No, I'm drawing the line at dumbfucks. Come on, Josh, why can't we have any powerful guys on our team? Why do we have to have the meek, and the poor, the oppressed, and the pissed on? Why can't we, for once, have blessed are the big powerful rich guys with swords?"
"Because they don't need us."
"Okay, but no 'Blessed are the dumbfucks.'"
"Who then?"
"Sluts?"
"No."
"How about the wankers? I can think of five or six disciples that would be really blessed."
"No wankers. I've got it: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake."
"Okay, better. What are you going to give them?"
"A fruit basket."
"You can't give the meek the whole earth and these guys a fruit basket."
"Give them the kingdom of heaven."
"The poor in spirit got that."
"Everybody gets some."
"Okay then, 'share the Kingdom of Heaven.'" I wrote it down.
"We could give the fruit basket to the dumbfucks."
"NO DUMBFUCKS!"
"Sorry, I just feel for them."
"You feel for everyone, Josh. It's your job."
"Oh yeah. I forgot."

[maggie/mary magdalene talking to josh and biff after they've gotten frustrated that the disciples don't understand what josh means by the kingdom]

"You two are the ninnies. You both rail on them about their intelligence, when that doesn't have anything to do with why they're here. Have either one of you heard them preach? I have. Peter can heal the sick now. I've seen it. I've seen James make the lame walk. Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination. Every time you give them a new metaphor for the kingdom they see the metaphor, a mustard seed, a field, a garden, a vineyard, it's like pointing something out to a cat--the cat looks at your finger, not at what you're pointing at. They don't need to understand it, they only need to believe, and they do. They imagine the kingdom as they need it to be, they don't need to grasp it, it's there already, they can let it be. Imagination, not intellect."

[biff speaking to maggie]
"When we were in India, we saw a festival in the city of their goddess Kali. She's a goddess of destruction, Maggie. It was the bloodiest thing I've ever seen, thousands of animals slaughtered, hundreds of men beheaded. The whole world seemed slick with blood. Joshua and I saved some children from being flayed alive, but when it was over, Joshua kept saying, no more sacrifices. No more."
Maggie looked at me as if she expected more. "So? It was horrible, what did you expect him to say?"
"He wasn't talking to me, Maggie. He was talking to God. And I don't think he was making a request."
"Are you saying that he thinks his father wants to kill him for trying to change things, so he can't avoid it because it's the will of God?"
"No, I'm saying that he's going to allow himself to be killed to show his father that things need to be changed. He's not going to try to avoid it at all."

(emphasis my own)
peace

change

from lamb...

"Lao-tzu built this wall," Josh said.

"The old master who wrote the Tao? I don't think so."

"What does the Tao value above all else?"

"Compassion? Those other two jewel things?"

"No, inaction. Contemplation. Steadiness. Conservatism. A wall is the defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That's why Balthasar had us go this way. He wanted me to see the error in the Tao. One can't be free without action."

"So he spent all that time teaching us the Tao so we could see that it was wrong."

"No, not wrong. Not all of it. The compassion, humility, and moderation of the Tao, these are the qualities of a righteous man, but not inaction. These people are slaves to inaction."

"You worked as a stonecutter, Josh," I said, nodding toward the massive wall. "You think this massive wall was built through inaction?"

"The magus wasn't teaching us about action as in work, it was action as in change. That's why we learned Confucius first--everything having to do with the order of our fathers, the law, manners. Confucius is like the Torah, rules to follow. And Lao-tzu is even more conservative, saying that if you do nothing you won't break any rules. You have to let tradition fall sometimes, you have to take action, you have to eat bacon. That's what Balthasar was trying to teach me."

"I've said it before, Josh--and you know how I love bacon--but I don't think bacon is enough for the Messiah to bring."

"Change," Joshua said. "A Messiah has to bring change. Change comes through action. Balthasar once said to me, 'There's no such thing as a conservative hero.' He was wise, that old man."

"Screw it," I said. "This is going to take forever. How long can it be? Let's go around."

i read this passage to a friend last night. she's made a lot of changes in her life. and i don't think that has to be a bad thing. but i think ignoring those changes is kind of dangerous. it was funny that while we were talking, this passage came to my mind. one line leaves off, the next comes along and keeps carrying things forward, and the circle keeps being made...

a quick story from yesterday... i was eating an ice cream bar. it might have been my fourth ice cream bar, but it was still a moment for me...i was enjoying it. until my five year old called my name from the bathroom. and i was kind of annoyed. because my name, called by that particular child, from that particular room, means one thing...i need to go wipe his butt. and while i can easily accept that parenting has it's dirtier moments and while i usually have no problem helping him with this little hygiene issue, i was peeved he'd ask me to do it while i was eating ice cream...i mean, come on...is nothing sacred?

so i went and did it. i wasn't exactly kind about it. i mean, i didn't hurt him or anything...geez, that sounds horrid...but i didn't conceal my peeved-ness. so he pulls up his pants, flushes, whatever he does after i take care of the dirty stuff. and i go sit down to finish the last couple of bites of ice cream. and then he walks in the dining room, sees my empty ice cream stick, and says,

"mom, can i throw that away for you?"

it was one of those humbling, here's a gift, please see it kind of moments... yeah, sometimes i struggle with what is asked of me. i have a ton of reasons, whines, and complaints about being only human, having my own needs, having so many responsibilities, etc... but when my eyes are open, when i am not blocking it out, when i am not minimizing or ignoring or bitching too much...well, and i guess even sometimes when i am...i see how much i am given...the many sweet gifts i receive. and i am grateful.
peace

just so you know i'm still complete

it has been raining lately...go figure. i just spent a weekend putting soaker hoses around my house to water my foundation and it's been pouring all day. but the rhythm of the rain is sooooooothing.

i read this in lamb today and i had to post it...don't worry. my sense of humor is still way intact.
(josh is jesus and this is a conversation between josh and his bff, biff)

I said, "Josh, you are so gullible. Guys always lie about stuff like that. That's the problem with your not being allowed to know women, it means you don't understand the most fundamental nature of men."

"Which is?"

"We're lying pigs. We'll say anything to get what we want."

"That's true," said Joy. The other girls nodded in agreement.

"But," said Josh, "the superior man does not, even for the space of a single meal, act contrary to virtue, according to Confucius."

"Of course," said I, "but the superior man can get laid without lying. I'm talking about the rest of us."

peace