coming and going

life is funny, she is. when i think about the relationships i've had in my life...the people who've entered my life and then left...the ones who stay awhile...the ones who are with me now...it makes me smile. there are times when someone is leaving that i rebel against that...fight it...don't want it to happen...want them to stay...forever...like it is now. but then i have to laugh because even the ones who never leave never stay the same. it is all so dynamic. i can look back and almost see where parts of one relationship prepared me for how things go in another one. or at least that's how it looks sometimes. but then later, down the road, maybe i look back and see it all fitting together differently, but still making just as much sense.

today i met a friend in austin. this friend was my bff's first girlfriend...when my bff first realized she was gay. so i met this friend through the camp we all worked at, and then continued my friendship with her through my bff once they started dating. but i also quit talking to my bff for a number of years because this friend happened to be an alcoholic...and she was not a happy drunk. well, i hear she usually was. but i happened to catch the one night she was a raging, angry, abusive drunk. and i severed ties with my bff in order to keep myself safe and out of that situation again. my bff continued dating her for another year or so, but once they broke up, and i was pregnant with my first son, my bff and i renewed our friendship. i even saw this friend once after my first son was two weeks old, at an indigo girls concert (yes, smile...i am). it was alright, but there wasn't much friendship left between us.

i didn't see this friend again until october of last year. we attended the same weekend long birthday party. it was really, really great seeing her. she played her guitar and sang. we laughed and told jokes together. she asked me to play the newest and best indigo girls song for her. she introduced me to brandi carlile. it was good. i saw her again at my bff's commitment ceremony and then again when i ran my second half marathon. her band played at the seven mile marker and after kissing all of my family and my bff and her partner, i had to go kiss this friend, too.

i went and saw this friend in austin today. i had a really nice time with her. she is struggling with a relationship and struggling with life, much of it in similar ways to what i write about in this blog. i felt hesitant because i have never really been a support to her before. i mostly just listened and tried to be there without being too there, if you know what i mean. and it was good. it was really, really good.

as i drove back home, through austin, i passed the street where my spouse and i had our first apartment in austin...where we found out we were pregnant with our first child. i drove past the street where my sister and her ex-girlfriend had an apartment...the apartment my sister fell from a balcony and cracked her head open on. i drove past the exit for sixth street, where i got both of my tattoos. i drove past the exit to the school i used to work at. past the apartment my spouse and i brought our first child home to...so many memories. i love austin. i love all the feelings it holds...feelings i can describe and understand, and all the ones i can't. events and days and experiences of the past and the ones today, too.

peace

uhm, ok...

so healing and finding your feet on your own is one thing. being married (remember that whole two becoming one thing, jess?...) is another. or involves another at the very least.

my spouse is a great man. i've known him over half my life... i think he thinks i'm a fairly decent person, too. so why is it that when it comes to the marriage we've created, we seem to have screwed some things up...and i mean kind of royally. or at least the pain seems pretty royal. i suspect the solution is fairly easy, but getting past that big, royal pain is what, i think, keeps goofing us up.

i mean, i admit it, i feel that "fuck it, throw in the towel, run and hide, who the hell wants to put up with this, what the hell could be good enough to warrant putting up with this shit" kind of stuff. but it's a smaller part of me now than it used to be. and then there's this other part of me (that part of me that parents myself?) that is like, "sure, get it out, it's ok, now get back in there and don't forget to be nice."

and then i want to stamp my foot and demand to know what his inner thoughts are.... and then he shares some of them and i want to turn off the faucet, plug the dam, cover my ears...

who are we?

i don't always know. and i think i kind of fluffed it up some with the rainbows post i did. but that really is how i feel right now. kind of searching for light reflected off tiny water particles... maybe i'm just looking too closely and need to back up some? that helps sometimes. and i am praying a lot to Big Mama about lifting up this friend of mine that i married...

no indigo girls today. but david sedaris is helping me keep my sense of humor. i'm going to go see him next week with a friend i've made here. i am thrilled to have that to look forward to.

that's about all i got today. gonna go get my hammer and nail and get my ass busy...
peace

rainbows

last night, my spouse and i had what i call a "come to jesus" meeting... this means there was much passion, a lot of emotion involved, and there were some "do or die" type things said as well....it was kind of a let-me-tell-you-how-i'm-doing-and-let's-make-some-decisions-about-this, or not make decisions, but whatever the fuck we do, it's one of those check point moments...a crossroad...and either we cross it together, go our separate ways, whatever.

no, i'm not talking divorce with going our separate ways. i mean, he's a resident. he's been on his own path for the last five years. our path is somewhat going in the same direction, and we usually have our eyes on him at least to some extent, watching for those meet up moments. and i'm sure there are times he's watching out for us, too...at least i think there are. but this has been a difficult time. i have the gray hairs to prove it. (not that they really prove anything...but i didn't expect to look so much older at the end of this...and that kind of puts it into a different perspective for me, for some reason)

anyway, during our meeting, he said he was in it with me til the end. to which i responded, "the end? you mean like until we decide to get divorced?" (i was so tired last night and probably shouldn't have taken part in a come to jesus meeting, but then i also realized that i have more reasons for not speaking my mind freely than i do for speaking my mind freely, so i just didn't stop myself) and he replied, "no...til the end of our rainbow." which i must admit took me by surprise. he usually uses more tangible, concrete words and concepts when we discuss marriage and life and whatnot. the whole rainbow thing kind of caught me off guard.

rainbows are funny....it's like they're real and then they kind of aren't. they're the reflection of light off of water particles. prisms. but without water and light, there are no rainbows. at least not the real, up in the sky kind. and sometimes that's how i feel about love in my marriage. like i think it's there, i thought i saw it, i KNOW it's there somewhere, but where the hell did it go? do i need water or light? what happened there... yet when the two things come together and everything works out just right, it's beautiful...beautiful enough to keep you looking for the next one, i suppose. i hope.

so here are two songs that make me think of my spouse. one is new for me...just got added last night, as a matter of fact. and the second one is one my spouse doesn't appreciate as "our song" because it's a song about being at a crossroads. but i think it would be crazy to pick a song that didn't frame our relationship in anything but, to be honest. we have chosen many paths that have involved many crossroads. and i usually feel like we're a really strong couple for that...really strong friends. but when we approach one, or stand in the damned middle of one for sooooo freaking long because we can't decide which way to go, or who should lead, or whether we're traveling this one together or not....i get a little worn out. (ok, i get reallllly worn out) but at the core of any emotion i feel, he is my friend...my deepest, best friend. and i know that. i'm just not used to knowing things i sometimes can't feel. but i do know it...kind of like knowing rainbows are real, even when you've lost one or can't find one.





peace