yes we can, can (for jen)

jen was posting about this song today...and if her church does another concert, and ESPECIALLY if they do this song, i will definitely be there. she and i watched a movie called young at heart, and they sang this song on there...you just have to watch the movie to know what i saw...it was beautiful, though. but i wanted to post this video, because this is how i learned this song. my mother was a huge pointer sisters fan while i was growing up, and watching this made me smile. (and no, my mother was not a huge soul train fan while i was growing up, but i loved this video...)



peace

something i found

i've been listening to terri hendrix lately. so i went to find one of her songs on you tube called "life's a song." it is one of my favorites. it's on spiritual kind, which is another one of my favorites and i've posted that one here before. anyway, i found this video about life's a song that's also about a workshop terri puts on with lloyd maines called life's a song. i really liked the video and thought i'd post that here instead of just a video of her singing the song...but if you're interested, you tube has that, too.



peace

last night was awesome

the indigo girls were amazing. i have never stood so close to the stage before. i really wish i had thought to bring my teenager...i am pretty sure he would've loved it. but as it is, i had an awesome time with my spouse, my sister, and her partner. amy and emily were just amazing...

but i have to blog about their opening act...terri hendrix. i first saw terri hendrix years ago at a show my mother and i went to one night. i thought she was great. i went out and bought her cd, willory farm. i didn't realize she was opening for the girls last night...and she was really awesome. here are some songs i heard last night that i'd never heard before that really stuck with me...


and

and due to technical difficulties, that's all i got.
peace

when all else fails, listen to good music

like this cover of an elton john song from the girls...



and this one of off their new cd...



that's all... :)
peace

busy, busy, busy

and feeling overwhelmed. we're making it through, we're doing it (kind of like that feeling when you first stay up on a bike...i didn't learn to ride til i was eleven, so that one is particularly etched in my brain...), but i am looking forward to a break.

this past week i...

went to a funeral for my grandmother. it was a really nice funeral. we always laugh at funerals in that family...everyone gets a little manic, i think, to be honest. i mean, there are tears, too. it was good to hear such great memories and stories about my grandmother. it is a weird feeling to attend a funeral for someone that alzheimer's has been slowly taking away over the last decade. my grandmother was such a difficult woman when i knew her...it was really neat to hear stories of the woman she was before i knew her. it was a letting go even though it's been a gradual letting go for so long...but at the same time, there was so much receiving i didn't expect. i am glad i went.

got a baby niece. she was born tuesday. she had her first major surgery on wednesday....to repair a bowel obstruction. they removed a little over half of her intestines...but her prognosis is very good. i am sure her parents feel much like those little chamois you run through those rollers at the car wash to get all the water out of them so you can go back to drying the car...but really, really relieved and grateful chamois, you know?

figured out how to get my oldest to a rock climbing competition (almost four hours away) and my third born to his soccer game (and soccer pictures) at almost the same exact time on saturday morning. my spouse will still be at work at that same exact time, just to explain why i'm so damned impressed with myself. but really, the credit goes to my bil for agreeing to take my oldest to the comp. you know what? i'm going to give myself a little credit, too, for asking him. i'm still a little mortified that i asked for something so big, but the relief when he said yes is so much greater than the mortification...

and that's all i'm going to blog about... really, i came here to post that even though i feel wiped out, stressed out, worn out, and strung out a lot lately...i can still be stopped and moved by the beauty of life, whatnot. a mama posted about kd lang singing leonard cohen's "hallelujah" in my cyber tribe and i just had to you tube it...it.is.beautiful. (i wanted to say, i know the people waving in the background of her singing is annoying, but i spent a lot of time watching you tube clips of kd lang singing this one yesterday, and i just loved her voice and the sound quality of this one...even though visually, it is so distracting...and dar, i sat here crying listening to it again this morning...thanks for sharing it)


and here's an indigo girls song off their new cd (which i have and i like a lot...it's a little more mellow than their few previous, but there are some beautiful songs on there...like this one...i love the part at the end when she says the one she's waiting for is me...well, her, not me...ugh, just listen)


so there's my week in review. i get to stay home this weekend and aside from soccer, i don't have many commitments. well, i have robotics and such, but i have big blocks of time i can use to get caught up on all the stuff that's sat and waited while i was running around crazy the last few weeks.

peace out

trying to stay open

that's my visualization these days...not letting myself clamp down, stress, get tight.

here's a song a friend mentioned a line to earlier today...went and listened to it, and while i usually prefer live versions of them singing, i kind of liked the lyrics being on the screen for this song, even though it made me feel kind of impatient at first...



peace

by grace

this is the second time i've headed to you tube to find a specific indigo girls song and ended up finding a different one. but this time, i think i came out quite a bit ahead. this song is called "the prince of darkness" and it's on their self-titled release. i received that, i think it was a cassette for me, the christmas i was fourteen years old. i listened to that one for about four years, until i turned eighteen, starting working two jobs, had my very first substantial spending money, and went out and bought my first pair of birkenstocks and three more indigo girls cds.

i remember going to a youth convention when i was sixteen and writing the words to prince of darkness all across a folder that they gave us. i remember how much i loved the song. but listening to it today, with a couple more decades between then and now, i see what a truly beautiful song it is. twenty years can really change the way you relate to a song...but the tears in my eyes are of gratitude...to and for lots of things, i guess. (watch til the end, if you can...emily changes the words just a little and it made me all teary eyed...)



peace

don't think twice

i have a post about support brewing...how difficult it can be to give, how difficult it can be to receive, but basically how it's what heals the universe...well, mostly. but i ran today. and i'm feeling a little more focused than i have in a few weeks. and the teen's calling for some help. and since we still have piano and third born has his first soccer practice tonight, i think the support thing may have to wait. but that's okay because i think it may take a few blogs to get it all down anyway.

so here's a song...it's not the one i chose while i was on the treadmill today. i really wanted a song by the indigo girls called "the language or the kiss" but it was not to be found on you tube. so i ran across this one...i'd never heard it before today. i like the three women (brandi carlile's singing on this one, too) just up there playing their guitars. and amy's mandolin makes me think of my friend jen. and i just love them, so there.



peace

ps--i need some help and i suck at asking for it...so maybe some prayers for my grandmother who they think had a stroke, my mother who ablated (sp?) her thyroid monday, my stepfather who had a prostate biopsy yesterday, and other various friends and loved ones...if you've got a little space on your to-do list. thank you.

realize

i have this theory...maybe it's more of a game i play in my head...but when i am searching, when i've been praying a lot, i find myself in the car...sometimes i feel like the universe speaks to me through the songs on the radio. now, i realize this sounds kind of goofy...especially after that scene in transformers...i do things like make sure to change the station often when i'm searching and playing "universe through the radio"...randomize things a little more. so, today, this song came through on the radio no less than three times (and i drove teen to the rock gym, then the grocery, then home...then to the rock gym and home...so that is not a lot of time in the car really...not when you consider i spend hours at a time in the car during the week? you know?). i don't know...i just felt three times was a lot for one song.



it's not even one of my favorite songs. but hearing on today put the words in a little different context and by the third time, it made me laugh out loud.

and here's a story in the same vein. i mentioned my friend who's a recovering alcoholic and addict. he's a mentor for those trying to get sober. when they call him in the middle of the night because they're having a rough time, he asks them if they've prayed. if they tell him no, he says, "you need a higher power to get you through this. i am not that." and hangs up on them. that was really, really powerful to me. because while i know there is a higher power working in the lives of each and every thing out here...sometimes i feel so alone. it can be at a time that i am struggling and i feel alone. it can be at a time i am listening to someone else struggling and i feel we're alone. but i forget, at the moment of struggling, to surrender...to stop fighting and allow myself to be buoyed by the sea of mystery.

and i needed to think about these things today. i really, really did.
peace

my car ride today

here's the first song i heard that made my toes curl (this is an involuntary reaction caused by something some part of me responds to before i'm even aware of what's going on...usually it's music...sometimes it's sex...but these days, it's usually music...hehe)



and posting this makes me realize that my toe curling to this song is kind of hijacked, because usually about a minute into it, i remember that the song i really love by led zepplin is this one... (and i'm telling you, this hijacking has been occurring for probably almost twenty years)


which, oddly enough, makes me think of my best friend from high school, patsy. her partner is pregnant and they just found out yesterday they're expecting twins. now, this is definitely something that makes my toes curl and my eyes tear up, too. i don't know why my joy is so strong with this particular pregnancy...god knows i get excited about all of the pregnancies i get to hear about...but i am overjoyed for them. oh, the reason this is odd is because these are two songs patsy and i used to listen to over and over in the first years of our friendship.

i really am okay. reading about dependent arising kind of cracked things open for me...and the words are all scattered...hard to bring a few together and make a sentence to frame these huge concepts i keep zooming back to see, then zooming in to understand...but heh, when you zoom in and it's all still so new, you have no idea where you are in the whole of it all. i keep wondering if i can explain it in my own words at all. the idea that nothing exists independently...you cannot find a whole that exists independently of its parts...the whole is dependent on the parts and the parts on the whole. three methods...cause, parts, and thought...or something like that. tomorrow, i'll harvest some quotes and see if i can't make a dent in it.

oh, here's another one...the second song by jason mraz i've heard this week...i actually recognized it as his voice. which i think is remarkable since i'd only just heard him last week and had only heard that song twice...lucky that one was called.


peace

note to myself...

i like today's oscar wilde quote...

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

ok, now my note...

it has been a really long week...and a busy one, too. oldest started classes an hour away. oldest also started rock climbing practice with the team on thursday evenings. oldest and third born started piano on wednesdays. i still need to call to begin second born's flute lessons. co-op starts next week as well as rock climbing class for the three bigs. and i need to register third born for soccer. oh, and second born turned eleven yesterday, which was a very cool, very successful celebration with friends and family and i am very grateful for those who love us here... all of that proceeding after a competition weekend (complete with teenage tantrum last friday) and it was quite a ride.

i think we are going to be able to do this schedule...i do. i don't think i'm kidding myself too much in thinking that. but i have to say that i am not sure where my treadmill time fits into this new schedule. and tonight, as i feel myself sort of vibrating with tension and maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, i realize that treadmill time is important and must be a priority to some degree. let me say this again (for myself) TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT... otherwise i will be grouchy, tense, negative, unhappy, and probably not fit into the jeans i have. i will probably eat a bunch of crap to compensate, thus making me feel worse. i will want interaction but not have the patience for it. i will feel antsy and hungry for something, but not able to find what i want, thereby consuming many things...junk food, relationships, hours at the computer doing nothing, whatever gets in my path. i don't think i'm being overly pessimistic, and i realize that all of this will not happen at once. thank god it hasn't yet, anyway. but these are the things i think may be related to leading a quick paced life, trying to meet lots of people's needs, and having lots of thoughts about all of it, but when i only worry in my mind about things i cannot control, and do not give my body a physical outlet for some of that energy/worry, my body starts to come up with some crazy ideas about how to work it out... i think my eczema will flare, too. and considering i've only begun to settle the last flare up, it will not be pretty. trying to accomplish all i've listed while scratching my skin off in "unladylike" places would just be too much, i think... so, once again, TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT.

ok, on a side note...a friend of mine from CAMP called me today to play this song we used to sing, "rainbow made of children" for me. it was funny, because the words were different and it was sung by a band...very different from the only way i'd ever heard it, which was with counselors and campers singing at flagpole...and i've heard it hundreds of times like that. turns out she'd bought the soundtrack to the billy jack movies and this song was on there. someone had changed the words a little and made it a CAMP song...which i found hilarious. so did she. this is probably one of the reasons we're friends... anyway, you tube didn't have the rainbow song on it, but they did have another song she played me called "one tin soldier". i used to sing this at the lutheran church camp i'd attend in the summers. it was really cool to hear it again and it cracked me up that it was on the billy jack soundtrack. sure enough, you tube came through...

peace

comfort

tuesday, i was rocking my nephew to sleep, and the kids were watching cyber chase. now, i know sometimes it's strange to see a thirtysomething woman who can name the characters on children's programming better than adult programming, but i also know most of the mamas who read this blog can do that, too. so i am not going to get hung up on feeling strange here... but matt and inez were having a disagreement...matt had hurt inez's feelings by joking around about her vocabulary. and as i was drifting off, rocking baby s, and i heard some of the interchange between inez and matt, i was struck by this warm feeling as i listened to the comfort the actors were able to put in the voices of these characters...yes, they were arguing...but they were obviously very comfortable in their friendship and that was what i was struck by in my state of semi-consciousness. (award winning voice actors on pbs....it could happen...)

now, monday night i had met a mama from my cyber tribe. and it was so comfortable. we just launched into conversation and friendship and sharing...it was pretty seamless. i left just amazed by how comfortable we were...

this week, an old friend found me on facebook. and it was kind of weird, in the way that internet and two dimensional communication can make things so weird sometimes...but we kept at it, and there's a good level of comfort returning. there was a lot of comfort in our friendship when we were younger... i've been smiling all morning thinking about our emails going back and forth.

comfort is sometimes seen as kind of weak. the easy way. candy assed or soft. but in these relationships i'm talking about...ok, leave out the cyber chase thing since it's fictional...it's not always easy to do the things you need to be comfortable in a relationship. sometimes it is easier to put up defenses...and while it may be somewhat more comfortable to be defended or feel protected, it can also be lonely as hell. and saying the things you feel, being honest, offering yourself up and allowing someone else to accept you...this is not always easy shit. it can be really scary. and if you go at it with too much fear, it can really knock you down. so being comfortable in yourself, being comfortable in relationships...this is really hard, tough, courageous stuff. but it doesn't just take your own courage...it's a group effort. and i'm grateful for those...past and present...that i've been blessed to get to work with.

and that is what i've been wanting to write all week...
peace

ps--here's a song i heard on the way home from meeting my mama friend, carol. it just kind of captured what i felt was the ultimate spirit that we shared that night...yes, we're both morbidly intense and we covered a million different topics and again, it was such natural sharing...but this song made me see the two of us in a similar light...

peace out

who's line is it anyway? clip

this made me cry i was laughing so hard. i love richard simmons and his ability to laugh at himself...and this show was one of my favorites. we used to watch the british (?) version that was on pbs way before drew carey started doing it...but both shows were hilarious...



peace

preparing

it's just one of those times. i didn't realize it until i went to therapy today and actually had a chance to talk about it for awhile. according to the-rapist, i am working through the grief of my kids not being babies (although she assures me that older children is a delightful time of parenting, too, and i really, really like where my kids are right now), i'm working through shifting relationships with my mama friends and community of support, i'm working through the continued stress of a spouse in medicine...stress on time, stress on relationships, stress on money, and then there's the stress of our parents getting older...which applies more to my spouse's family than my own.

oh, there may have been more stuff, i don't remember anymore... but it actually felt good in the end to cry a little and just pour it out. it wasn't very coherent. it wasn't all put together or connected or whatever...none of it was particularly relevant to anything else other than these are all things that are important to me, people who are important to me, relationships that are important to me.

so what was her advice? well, i have to say, it really cracked us both up when she started telling me what i needed to do...then she stopped herself and said, "uh, no...that's way too directive. what i'd like to see from you is..." man, we had to stop for a few minutes before we could stop laughing over that. but she'd like to see me lighten up on myself. (that one's kind of hard...) she'd like to see me continue to learn to take care of myself. (i've been working on that one...trying to figure out exactly what it means) and she'd like to see me work on setting aside some time for communication with my spouse...or communication for all of our family would probably be good, too.

wish me luck. going into november is a hard time of year for me. dealing with the decreased sunshine hours while the world gets ready in a flurry of activity for christmas has been really rough the last five or six years. and christmas...with its incredible potential for spiritual opportunities and its nauseating pull toward over-consuming...well, it's just a rough balance to struggle finding with less sunlight than normal. but i will try to be aware of these things going into it and not let myself get sucked in...at least not without being aware of my consent to be sucked in, i suppose.

i'm also struggling with my eczema right now. sigh... but i am going to make an appointment with a nurse practitioner. i am, i am, i am. i just need a little support in that area. i can't afford the energy drain that comes with chronic pain...even if it's not major pain...it just wears me out after awhile.

ok...onward and upward. or i'll at least try for a few steps forward... :)

real quick...i know i've posted a video of this song before. it's the indigo girls singing the wood song...but it brings me peace, so i'm posting it again. maybe this is a different show.

peace

love's recovery

as i was running today, i was listening to indigo girls (i know, go die of surprise already...) and i heard a song i hadn't heard in a long time and one i never really paid attention to. it was on the first indigo girls cassette (yikes!) i ever got and at fourteen years old, it just wasn't something i related to. today was a little different and i thought i'd come post a video here...


and here are the lyrics...

during the time of which i speak
it was hard to turn the other cheek
to the blows of insecurity
feeding the cancer of my intellect
the blood of love soon neglected
lay dying in the strength of its impurity
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
they've all gone and left each other
in search of fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

there i am in younger days, star gazing
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be
not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
my compass, faith in love's perfection
i missed ten million miles of road i should have seen
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
left each other one by one on the road to fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

rain soaked and voice choked
like silent screaming in a dream
i search for our absolute distinction
not content to bow and bend
to the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
eating us away, eating us away
eating us away to our extinction

oh how i wish i were a trinity
so if i lost a part of me
i'd still have two of the same to live
but nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
as specks of dust we're universal
to let this love survive
would be the greatest gift that we could give
tell all the friends who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather
though it's storming out i feel safe within the arms
of love's discovery

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1988 by godhap music (bmi)

i've got something to say on this, but i'm going to sit with it and come back to it later...
peace

musical day

i've been listening to brandi carlile all day today. my eldest is a little sick of it. but i've listened to him play red hot chili peppers over and over and not even complained, so i'm not caving on this....

there's this song she sings that reminds me of my friend, ken. i think i posted once about how ken says when one person sees a sunset, the best way to convey it to another is to point and say, "ugh"...or something to that effect. and this song makes me think of that, sort of...


and there's this other song i really like. it's called my song. and i'm not exactly sure who she's singing it to, but i sure like what she's saying and feel like i can relate her words to parts of my life. ironically, it's called my song.


there are many other songs on her cd that i love. but it would probably be kind of boring if i posted them all here...oh hell...here's one more...it's called wasted.

here are the lyrics

If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it
If shining wisdom passed your lips and traveled to the ears of god you'd waste it
And so I hate that your overrated most revered and celebrated cause you're wasted

Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

Every time you close a door and nothing opens in its place you've wasted
And when you speak the words you know to those who know the words themselves you're wasted,
You're such a classic waste of cool, so afraid to break the rules in all the wrong places

Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

yeah, i'm done...
peace

beauty

the weekend was crazy full of it...

the women whose ceremony we attended were beautiful. my friend from high school, patsy, has always been gorgeous. and she wasn't backing down on her wedding day, let me tell you. she and her partner were lovely.

the group of people assembled to support these two women...again...it was a beautiful thing. amazing. i get a lump in my throat all over again thinking about it.

our friend who sang...more beauty. her best friend that we got to meet...again...beautiful person.

hanging out with my spouse...now this one surprised me for some reason. but we had so much fun... i didn't realize how long it had been. well, a night away together sans kids...this was our first. but we haven't even really been out on a date in awhile. and these women kept telling us how cute we were together...how perfect for each other we are. it was hilarious. and flattering, too, i must admit. we would look at each other..."wow! did you hear that? do we really still have it?..." it was so....healing.

so all in all, we're staying with the gift that keeps on giving theme on the weekends. it was a lovely wedding/commitment ceremony for two very beautiful people...and the love and the warmth and the goodness that was the sum total of all assembled in honor of and for the cause of and inspired by these women....well, that was just a testimony to the good that just is. and it just keeps going...can't seem to help itself.

so here are some lyrics to the song i posted earlier that i was gifted last weekend. the story, by brandi carlile. it's a really sweet song and it's the one my spouse and i kept listening to this weekend...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

oh, and let me share this...it's cool for a couple of reasons. my spouse and i also listened to the indigo girls this weekend...their nomads cd. my spouse pointed out that during world falls, emily plays twinkle, twinkle little star. now, i had never, ever noticed this. he had to actually sing the words for me to pick it out... (no, my ear is not very well trained at all) anyway...so i thought i'd put a video of it on here for you all to listen for twinkle, twinkle, too. when i went to you tube, i found a really good version of it. cool thing is, they're singing it with brandi carlile....

it's around one minute and fifty-three seconds... (listen to emily's guitar right when they start singing "i'm laughing...." it's related to that line, actually. "i'm laughing, i'm under a starry sky.")


peace

sharing some gift

here's a new artist i met over the weekend...first i heard about her, then i came home and did the homework. thought i'd share... meet brandi carlile... if you're already acquainted, i have to ask...why didn't you introduce me to her? :)



peace

stuff and whatnot

i have done so much cleaning since we got home from soccer today. o's team lost today...4 to 1. his team plays very well...it's another season with a new team, so it's hard to play against teams who seem to know each other better than our newbies, but i have been impressed during both games i've been to with how well they do...well, you know, even though they've lost both games.

my two middles are spending the night with some friends tonight. that will leave me with my oldest and my youngest...which is almost perfect because i've been feeling like i'm trying to find the balance between extremes somewhat lately...

i've been thinking a lot about marriage...and love...aging...the progression of time...and the nature of god...stuff like that.

here's a song that i love and i've been thinking about a lot lately, as well. when i hear it on my cd, it makes me all teary eyed to think of this version...


peace

huh?

i watched mr. holland's opus with my kids tonight. i desperately needed a feel good movie and it delivered righteously. but then one of those one line picks up where another left off moments happened. during the movie, there's a segment where they play jackson browne's song, the pretender. and i got all nostalgic. my mother used to love that song. she had his album and we used to play it a lot. i loved the pretender and, what was it? was it running on empty? i'm not sure anymore. my mother was a big jackson browne fan.

so i went to you tube to watch the video and i read the words to the song and, well, first i thought maybe i wasn't reading them right. and maybe i didn't. it's been a tiring few days and i am plenty capable of mistakes, even when i'm not impaired. but "starting out so long ago only to surrender"? and "believe in the lie of those things that money can buy"? there were other lines, too. i don't know... but i will say, that after reading the words while listening to this song that i am not so sure i feel inspired by the message of, i find i can't help but feel that good kind of nostalgic feeling while hearing it still. and that's kind of how i feel about so much of my childhood. like i am seriously warped because of the nostalgia i feel for things that kind of sicken me?... does that make sense? i don't know...

my spouse and i argued today. it came down to what we value, as people. it was this discussion about how what he values doesn't mean that he doesn't value what i value (because they can be kind of different, depending what level we're talking about). which i understand. but it seems if i tell him something i'd like him to do, even if he doesn't value it....and i don't mean tell him like once or twice...we've been together for fifteen years this month....and if he values me, then maybe...anyway...sigh...some thoughts just never seem as powerful or even relevant in words as the emotion that accompanied them when they were born (or reborn for the hundredth time, i guess).

so here's jackson browne's song...see what you think...i'm not judging it or anything...i was just kind of surprised to see the actual words to this song i used to sing with all of my eight year old heart...but oddly, maybe i am starting to figure out why my mother's so disappointed with me?...

peace