god is some crazy magic

try to stay out of her way...

so today i went to my the-rapist. it was pretty disjointed, rambling (who? me?)...not really well laid out. but near the end of the session, i was telling her how i always feel so responsible for things...yes, i know taking responsibility for someone else's actions is co-dependence...she taught me that last week. but even myself...if my head hurts, i wonder what i'm doing wrong that my head hurts. (small example, but exactly what i mean, so i'm sticking with it.) i told her that my mantra yesterday was "it is not all my fault....it is ok....things are what they are....i am not responsible for all of it..." and it seemed to help some. well, at times it made me giddy, but this is not my point right now. the-rapist said that i had to accept that life flows, like a river, and that moving a stone could change its course and that i might need to wait to adjust to the changes. (uh, kind of like river walking? see previous post...it's not an exact match, but similar enough...)

it was weird...but in a good god magic kind of way. and somehow that reaffirmed for me that i am not, ultimately, in charge. the-rapist did say she was impressed with how i'd trained myself to search myself for reasons and sources for bad energy...food, exercise, thought patterns, etc...and i guess that is a good thing. but i was trying so hard to find the source of my unhappiness and change it, control it, that i was just getting tighter and tighter and making things worse and worse for myself.

surrender...that's what i need to work on again. always the circles...always the cycling through lessons...never the happy hearts and flowers and perfection end...impatient am i (yes, i am channeling yoda right now...)

peace

river walking

lately, thinking has begun to feel like when you walk into sunlight upon leaving a movie theatre. (we have this sensitivity in my family where as soon as the light hits our eyes and shrinks our pupils, we sneeze.) anyway, conscious thought has begun to feel that way...i even feel my eyes squinting with the effort.

it reminds me of trying to cross a river. there are rocks, sometimes they shift, there's the current to keep in mind, whatever you have on your feet, if anything... sometimes someone wants to talk you across, maybe even touch you to help you. but depending on where you're at, if you're ready to accept trust, if you trust the person trying to help you, if there are other people watching the whole thing...not to mention whatever you might be thinking or working on at the moment you're crossing...it all affects how effective it all turns out....whether you make it across--on your own steam or as a team--or whether you end up totally drenched, on your ass, or maybe even a few feet down from where you started.

i think this was my brain's kind way of looking at the shifts i've been dealing with. i'm an aquarian and water is definitely my element, and out of all of the images that have graced my mind lately, this one seemed the most natural and the most fitting. it strikes me that the situations are as interchangeable as the players and their roles...family, friends, marriage, my own self alone...walking, coaching, needing, trusting, fiercely independent, fiercely dependent...there is no one part that is all mine. i play all the roles and i learn from them all, too, even when i am frustrated or scared. and this is something it took me years to accept. but now that i've started accepting, i have to begin the task of taking responsibility for the different roles i play and how they influence my journey and the world around me. and maybe that's why it's been such a conscious time for me...almost painfully conscious.

(or maybe it's my sinuses...or because i keep forgetting my vitamins...or because i'm not regularly working out...or maybe it's just bad character...laziness...bad energy...who knows...) :)

so, in keeping with the theme of the post, and due to the fact that i really just needed to hear this song again...(and as always, i get to be sarah on this one...in my dreams anyway...although jewel is not a bad one to be either...and have i mentioned my crush on amy ray?...don't tell emily...)