gardening

last week was a crazy week...lots of different things to work through, think about, let go of... this week has just been kind of stressful. i suppose last week may have left me a little raw...and i'm pretty sure there's some pms stuff going on, too...but my anger, frustration, stress....it has been off the charts this week. and i'm tired of it. i tried really hard last night to just be quiet...not shut my mouth...shut off my mind...just BE. it was alright. then i read some of wicked and went to bed. but it wasn't better today. matter of fact, my chest was killing me today. i was tight, tight, tight...all i'd have to do was think about what was pissing me off and i'd cry. so, i did what any sane person, or insane person looking for some sanity, can do...i went out and pruned the crap out of my bushes in the front yard. i mean, this was seriously needing to be done. they look a little shorn and god only knows if they'll look alright once spring gets her season going, but it needed to be done and that's that. then i got my garden ready. maybe i'll just plant it tomorrow, i don't know. i will say that i wish i could plant a money tree...because everyone seems to want their share. and it is so hard for me to say no. or even just to say, "uh, can we talk about this first...because that's a lot of money." i really need to go see the-rapist...but i really am getting to where i just can't afford it. blah.

oh, peace...

five important words

this-is-not-about-me

i saw my the-rapist today. it was a good one. i was talking to her about the dynamics of the meeting my robotics team and parents had last night. about how hard it is to go forward with a group of adults i feel have such different philosophies from me. but i still feel responsible to this team, responsible for part of this journey. and how to reconcile a lot of that...find the flat place--you know, the one that's not slippery or jagged. so we talked about different people's expectations when it comes to competition...particularly adults coaching children in competitions. it helped to hear her say that my co-coach was making the classic mistake of making this about her...not because i needed to hear i was right, but because there was understanding and even a hint of forgiveness in the-rapist's voice when she said it...and that's what i'm striving for. the-rapist helped me remember that it is not the end of the world for children to have adults who make mistakes leading them...i can even turn out alright when those adults are completely unable to admit they ever made a mistake. my job isn't to remove all of those challenges from children's lives...it's to be there alongside them as they walk through them, helping as best i can...which often means just being quiet and being there.

i find this challenging to me because i want to believe my ideals are right...are good. and i do. but it would help if everyone was jumping to get on the same bandwagon...would make it seem all the more right and good. but there are lots of good bandwagons out there...some of them driven only by a person or two, i suppose. and whether someone agrees with me or not...well...it is not about me. it is about many other things and i'm not one of them. i like it when the-rapist says these words, because she holds up her five fingers. now she doesn't even have to say them...i know what the five raised fingers means.

i am sure things will turn out just fine. i will find a balance and not spiral into craziness... this is a team of people led by good intentions...no one is trying, purposely, to sabotage anyone. i feel my awareness reaching an equilibrium...a place where i won't be so easily toppled. i just keep waiting for my emotions to settle down and follow suit.

i laughed on the way home from counseling today, though, because i was listening to brandi carlile and "my song" came on. to me, it seems like a song that is supposed to be about her, but she can't help but define herself by this other relationship...so as she basically sings this song to another person, she keeps going back to "but this is my song"...it makes me laugh because i have so long defined myself by my relationships, successful and unsuccessful both, that these five words are really, really hard sometimes. but i can see a lot of light beyond that doorway if i can get myself to fully walk through...

peace

a new month!

which means my long assed list of blogs for november disappears...i love this. it is so tidy. i think this is how life should be, sort of. december first...all the november bullshit gets put away...

i have had a bit of disappointment today...the-rapist cancelled on me. it had been a month, hello? but she had a friend die and needed to attend the funeral. i can be understanding about this, i swear i can be. but you know that inner two year old i talk about sometimes? yeah, well, i'm trying to ignore her. but two year olds get so fucking loud when you ignore them...

i did talk to my sister today. and that was lovely. i was missing her, but now i'm not.

i don't know how this day is going to go...i really was looking forward to getting counseled today. i was going to ask advice on communication...anyone got any worth sharing? how to do it? how to make it better? how to make it a little less like slamming your head against the proverbial brick wall?...which is no softer, for the record, just because it's proverbial.

ok, i am tired. i need to go have some caffeine today. i think i'll be back later to post...yes, yes, already cluttering up the december blog list...
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace

hummingbird head

that's how it feels anyway...like my mind is a little hummingbird flitting around in my head...lighting on this thought for a few minutes, that thought for a few...but not one thing for too long.

the-rapist has this analogy she uses. she says you can't go anywhere on an empty tank. she says i have to work on filling up my tank. i don't know what kind of gas i take... i come back to this every now and then. i know i enjoy blogging. i like to read. i like to be alone... i also like to get stuff d-o-n-e. i like to take care of my family and other folks. i feel like i do these things often. and i don't often feel empty... well, last week, i felt really empty. and i wanted to fill it...with anything...food, shopping, internet wasteland. oh, and i also love music. anyway...(look, a sea gull...)

i have this post i wanted to make about my childhood. kind of a healing the inner two year old type thing. but i was thinking about it earlier...and kids are so much smarter and resilient than adults are...i think my inner two year old is over it. the basic gyst of it was that my mom taught me if i'd only become a perfect child, then i'd receive a perfect love. and i was kind of pissed to realize that...for a day or so...because then i realized that my mom still believes once she's the perfect person, she'll receive a perfect love. so it's not like she held out on me or purposely manipulated me. she couldn't give what she didn't have. like i said, i'm kind of over it. i mean, i guess i'll still feel small tantrums over that habit of wanting something not reasonable...eckhart tolle calls them pain bodies, i think...but it's not as powerful.

there are other things that are still powerful that i haven't even begun to decipher. and i'm okay with that, too. my perspective gets longer at times, so i realize the objects in my emotions aren't as big as they feel, i guess.

what else? what else?....

we are busy folks. we painted my oldest's room today. just knocked it the fuck out. that was cool. it looks nice. kind of more mature, i guess. and he rode his bike to his robotics team meeting on sunday. and rode it home. this is big shit...really big stuff. i'm happy for him. hell, i'm kind of happy for me, too. but painting with him...that did not make me happy. i hope i never paint with him again. he sucks at it. and makes a freaking, fracking mess. i thought i'd have a heart attack from the stress of the mess + not wanting to be a buzz kill and bitch him out for this "my own independent room" thing we were doing...omigod, sometimes the stress of being who i want to be almost kills me dead. but have i mentioned how brilliant he is? (when he's not painting or playing basketball...and we both suck at basketball...equally...or maybe me even more...but probably not)

ok...this is all i have. i mowed the backyard tonight. it really, REALLY sucks when i wait too long because the grass gets so thick and tall it chokes the mower. it takes for-freaking-ever to mow...sigh...oh, and i haven't showered all day. that's something i almost never do...but i just never made it in...gross.
peace

w. h. auden

i've been thinking about this poem for awhile. i read it when i was in college...the second time...so i guess i was twenty-five or twenty-six. (remember julie? the class we met in...)

we read this poem...

The Unknown Citizen
(To JS/o7/M/379 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation,
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd;
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

so after my surprise at reading the pretender, this poem came back into my mind. when we did it in my class, it was a strange discussion. our professor was this very enthusiastic and fairly brilliant man. he read us this poem and asked us what we thought. a man who was pretty outspoken in the class immediately announced that he liked it. that he wanted to be the man this poem was written for. that it seemed this unknown citizen lead an admirable life and he'd be proud to live a life like the one described here. at which point, my professor had no fucking clue how to proceed...

it wasn't about whether or not this poem was describing a way of life that we agreed with or not. it was about analyzing the poem...what we felt about it, yes, but also what auden was trying to say in it. but the personal stamp of approval this man had put on mr. unknown citizen made any further analyzing a little tricky. my prof looked at me with eyebrows raised. rather than speak to my prof, i turned to the man in my class and asked him if whether, in achieving all of these things, he'd like at least a little something to be personally unique about the journey for him? maybe his name? the name of his children? something uniquely him...

i think the discussion went alright from there. i do recall the professor being relieved that we could discuss it somewhat, but i also recall that it was a very careful discussion...never quite going to the root of things.

i understand why the discussion had to be that way. i understand that my mother feels the way she does. (did you miss that parallel?...i know it's where i was headed all along, but realize you can't read my mind...) even my spouse was quick to tell me that there was nothing wrong with the way of life described in this poem...why does everyone feel the need to tell me that?...my life isn't that freaking different, you know. much of my life is conventional. and the areas that aren't so much, it'd be a truckload easier if i went ahead and made them so. i think about it sometimes. but the bitterness that follows isn't worth thinking about it too long.

anyway, my thoughts have tread into weird places lately. hopefully letting this out will let me work passed this...whatever it is. the-rapist on monday...woo-hoo...lots to talk to her about. she often wants to discuss my mother and i often tell her it's a screwy relationship that isn't changing so there's really no reason to go there. maybe i'm wrong...snort...you think?
peace

still treading water

yeah, yeah, i know...just swim, fortheloveofgod...i'll get there.

the meeting went well today. got some stuff done. that was good. i think if i can focus, i can get the rest knocked out pretty quickly. i don't understand what holds me back...but it does...this i cannot deny.

went to the-rapist today. it was good, sort of. not a "oh, there's the light, let me walk in it" kind of good. more of a "let's be real about where things stand and the limits of one person's ability to maintain the sanity of a family" kind of good. i'll be meditating on my dependence quite a bit this semester. meditating on my dependence has led me to recognize the things i need to do to take care of myself. i've read a lot more. recognized my body needs me to run...or workout at least. (running is just easier for now) i've even called some friends lately here in my area. it's funny, but i also need to be productive. and i can work that, too.

working on it...

so here's something i've been listening to lately, and finally realized there were some videos on you tube...they aren't the released versions i've been listening to when i run, but it's fun watching amy play jesus and emily play mary. what can i say? i really love amy....



peace out

better day

i just watched that alanis video i posted. i watched some of it before i posted it, but not the whole thing. i really like that video...her, singing her song, as she's driving a car or whatever while a parade is going on around her. how fitting. what's more chaotic than a parade? "no one's really got it figured out just yet...but everything is just fine." the song is still working for me today.

i had a really good counselling session yesterday. i'm supposed to send my sister an email explaining why it was a good session...to see if there's anything she might benefit from hearing. but i can't exactly explain what made it a good session. i know there are some things my counselor is understanding about me. and that allows her to talk about them as though they are, in fact, a part of me and not something that means i need to be locked away lest i further harm or humiliate humanity. at one point she told me i remind her of her father who always marched to the beat of a different drum. that was kind of weird for me....because while i know i have a different beat, vibrate on a different frequency, whatever, i also kind of try to believe i am a lot like everyone else, too. so her saying that so casually felt kind of like she was "outing" me or something, i don't know. but it was alright, too. because i could tell she really loves her father, so there's always that... (that my the-rapist loves me? no...that's not what i meant, although i thought it was a weird statement, too...i meant that my children might be able to love me, take me seriously, not think i'm a weirdo kind of stuff)

anyway...i'm still working on what i was calling boundary setting before. and there is a boundary setting component to it. but it also has a lot to do with not just letting the other person define the relationship i share with them. so in teaching me to set boundaries, the-rapist was also teaching me to take responsibility in proactively defining my relationships...whether they're working or not, whatever... i've been working on communication with my spouse and i think it's going well, although he does get a little what i'll call "edgy" sometimes. and i try to maintain a sense of humor while maintaining my dignity, too. it is actually going quite well.

we went to the drive in last night to see the new indiana jones movie. the kids loved the drive in experience. they also got to go home with different friends after park day yesterday. for a couple of hours, but it's a start. i can see the potential for community here. these women already have such a strong one established. and they are all so, so very different. it's cool to watch them enjoy the good stuff in each other, ignore kindly the stuff they don't see eye to eye on, and support each other's children and families so well. i am humble and nervous and honored to be asked to join them....sure i will screw stuff up, but willing to try. because i've learned i need to work on my ability to ask for and accept help. but i think these women will work with me on it. and probably smile a lot in the process. if i let them share space with me. which i've been kind of reluctant about because, well, i haven't felt like i would enhance anyone's space lately. but i think they're letting me know they're still waiting... i don't know. i think the kids are enjoying the community, too.

ok, well, i have my spouse for the rest of tonight. it was kind of sexy to go to sleep with him in my bed and then wake up with him in my bed....sexy in a luxurious kind of way. made me feel like when we first moved in together...woo-hoo, made me feel young. (yes, it's been THAT long...oh, and i'm not talking about sex here...i really am just talking about him being there)

so we went to a bug show (as in volkswagen) this morning and hung out with a few friends and family, and now we're home to do some work on the house. i'm looking forward to it...everything really is just fine.
peace

god is some crazy magic

try to stay out of her way...

so today i went to my the-rapist. it was pretty disjointed, rambling (who? me?)...not really well laid out. but near the end of the session, i was telling her how i always feel so responsible for things...yes, i know taking responsibility for someone else's actions is co-dependence...she taught me that last week. but even myself...if my head hurts, i wonder what i'm doing wrong that my head hurts. (small example, but exactly what i mean, so i'm sticking with it.) i told her that my mantra yesterday was "it is not all my fault....it is ok....things are what they are....i am not responsible for all of it..." and it seemed to help some. well, at times it made me giddy, but this is not my point right now. the-rapist said that i had to accept that life flows, like a river, and that moving a stone could change its course and that i might need to wait to adjust to the changes. (uh, kind of like river walking? see previous post...it's not an exact match, but similar enough...)

it was weird...but in a good god magic kind of way. and somehow that reaffirmed for me that i am not, ultimately, in charge. the-rapist did say she was impressed with how i'd trained myself to search myself for reasons and sources for bad energy...food, exercise, thought patterns, etc...and i guess that is a good thing. but i was trying so hard to find the source of my unhappiness and change it, control it, that i was just getting tighter and tighter and making things worse and worse for myself.

surrender...that's what i need to work on again. always the circles...always the cycling through lessons...never the happy hearts and flowers and perfection end...impatient am i (yes, i am channeling yoda right now...)

peace