puppy dog tails?

i have known that much of my life, my motivating emotions are often fear or guilt. and while i knew those weren't the emotions i wanted to be ruled by, it is often difficult to stop a habit that is almost as involuntary as breathing. i had made small changes in this area...but nothing i appreciated or even felt encouraged by.

i often wouldn't be aware of how fear and guilt had influenced me until after i had acted. so then i started to wonder if fear and guilt were truly a part of why i acted, or just a part of how i view my own behavior. kind of a like a dog chasing its tail...

but a lot of the realizations about my relationship with my mother growing up...or the awareness of the reality...looking at it through an adult's eyes instead of still looking at it through the eyes of the child who was there...has helped me to see ways i can truly change this habit of being ruled and weighed down by fear and guilt.

i am not angry at my mother. although i will speak up the next time she tells me how fluffy i am...but that won't be in anger...it will be in confidence in myself and an unwillingness to remain the two year old who still wants her approval, but doesn't think she deserves it. those words sound so silly in an adult's mouth...but they are so absolute in a child's heart and mind. my mother always took such responsibility for who i was...was always so proud of herself when i succeeded or so disgusted when i misbehaved and made her look stupid. it's been an uphill journey learning to feel for myself who i am. especially when people pleasing tends to benefit those around you...who often don't realize how toxic you are.

anyway...so i am coming out of that darkness a bit...some rays are coming in...maybe even a breeze sometimes. i was telling my spouse the other day how self-indulgent some of these thoughts feel. why do i have to think about something so much or so long before i see it more clearly or it settles into a pattern that makes life a little easier? but it's just the way i am. and while i've spent so much of my life trying to be someone different...whoever those i love wanted me to be...i'm finally learning to be me...which is who they wanted me to be all along. dog...tail...again... i knew life was all about circles...

peace

some fragments of a tuesday

tuesdays are really busy days. co-op til noon and then rock climbing til 3pm. drop off an extra kiddo we have afterward and we're usually home around four. so although i rarely blog on tuesdays (i think), there were just some things i needed to put on here to remember...

--conversation in my car...we were listening to iron man by black sabbath.

extra child says, "i think ozzy osbourne is blind."
my teenager says, "no, he just wears those glasses that make him look like john lennon."
extra child says, "oh, like the beetle your brother found today."
teenager says, "well, i named him john lennon because he was a beatle and it was a beetle, you know?"
then teenager and extra child look at each other, and both say, at the same time, "scarab rock!"

it cracked me up to hear the conversation go from ozzy and black sabbath to john lennon and the beatles and then jump, suddenly, to smashing pumpkins...and that all of those things are things they share a common knowledge of and interest in...

--earlier today, during the biology class at the co-op, the biology kids were doing a lab on bacteria. they were using petri dishes to grow out bacteria, but also testing different antiseptic or antibacterial solutions to see which were more effective against which bacteria. teacher asked them to take their swabs and swab "germy places." three kids swabbed the light switches or door knobs or whatever...one kid swabbed his butt. telling you, you gotta watch out for those hsers...they know no boundaries... (i LOVE this story...the kid's dad is a doc, i'll mention in case any one's grossed out by the idea...)

--my kids were rocking the whole rock climbing thing today. they really have gotten so good at it...and they still seem to love it so much. i hope their love lasts...until about next august...then i think it'd be fine for them to find something else to love and be good at...preferably something a little cheaper...

--i got to meet my friend's mom today. she brought the monkeys to co-op while my friend is out of town. what a nice, nice woman. i really love the community we have going at co-op. it feels tenuous at times, and that's probably more my shit than anything else, but i still really appreciate the community.

--and i had this weird break through in my head about my mom today. i was thinking about the wedding i'd been to...all the lesbian couples there. and, for some reason, my brain started playing with the idea of how she'd handle it if i were in a lesbian relationship, while i was doing stuff like brushing my teeth, and my hair, whatnot... anyway, i could hear my mom getting all sanctimonious about what is right and wrong and moral or immoral...yes, i realize i'm making this up...i've learned to just give my subconscious a little free reign in getting me to understand some of the stuff she knows...so anyway, my mom's getting all sanctimonious, and i'm telling her it's fine, that i didn't expect her to understand or be okay with this. BUT, i tell her, BUT i want you to know that i'm pissed off and disappointed with you, too. yes, this is pretty different for me to say to her. so i proceed to tell her that my whole childhood was about her dating, about her marriages, about her divorces...that comparatively, little of my childhood was about my life. and that she can tell me all she wants about how she judges my choices, or the choices of the world, and that i would never, EVER tell her how i judge hers, but that she's kidding herself if she thinks all of that was just water under the bridge, and that it in no way affected the child she brought along for the ride in those years. and since she's always bringing the bible into stuff, isn't there something about people in glass houses and throwing stones?...

like i said, it was all in my head. but i'd been thinking a lot about my anger toward my mom. and how to get to the bottom of it...you know, in order to start really letting it go instead of just avoiding it. and i don't know if this is the bottom of it...but it felt like a start to getting there. and yeah, after i finished that line of thought, i just finished getting dressed and went to co-op. weird, isn't it?

--i was consumed by and eventually gave into a need for fried okra. no, i don't always understand these things...

--my sister had an ultrasound on her breast today. they skipped the mammogram. i don't know what it is about our funky genes, but i had my first breast ultrasound at 22 and she's 30... so that was part of my day, too.

there was other stuff. the kid in my art class who complained when, after laying out his collage, i asked him to glue it to the page. he said, "can't we just watch tv or play video games instead?" that was a little mind boggling... when my philosophy class finally understood why friendship could be defined as meeting yourself in another person and holding on. hearing the grammar class sing iron man...it was really kind of cute and made me wonder what the hell they were doing in there...but in a way that made me smile, of course.

so there...i took a little time to think clearly on a tuesday. along with the laundry and getting everyone fed and driven around and dropped off relatively on time, i'd say i've covered ALL my bases today...
peace

on my own

just for the day. last time i did this was right before i moved when a mama friend took my kids for the day so i could clean and pack my house. but this is much funner....just lots of laundry to be done. well, and i should clean some rabbit cages, too...blech

so other than laundry, i've listened to "into the west" off of the lotr soundtrack about fifty times without anyone complaining. and i danced my ass off to big audio dynamite and erasure. (i was in a hurry to put on something fast) much fun. i think my beastie boys cd is in my van which my spouse took to get fixed two and a half hours away (in our home town) with my four sons, sooooo...

my mom left the hospital today. she sounded much, much better. that alone is great. if they can actually figure out what landed her there...pretty much icing. i'm expecting "idiopathic" to be part of the diagnosis, to be honest...

i was thinking about blogging today...how funny it is. i love it because it's easier to type a journal entry than go find my journal and write. and frankly, it's much less likely my kids will read my blog than my journal. and while i'm not hiding who i am, i don't exactly think they're ready for the workings of my mind just yet. at least not so spelled out. well, that and the rawness of emotion. yeah, i'm kidding myself... anyway... i've read how some bloggers feel pressure to write good stuff. and while i feel it sometimes, i obviously don't let that get in the way of just getting something out because that's primarily what this blog is for me. and outlet. there are way too many things bumping around in my head and i have to let some of it out...get some order to it, even if it's just words, even if they're crappy. and while i've been so very overwhelmed lately, blogging still helps somewhat.

i don't know what other people look for in blogs, but i like the insightful days, the honest days, the days where there's anger or frustration or sadness or happiness or joy or, yes, even those of just blah. most of it i can relate to in some part of me. some days i envy, some days i have much sympathy for, some i rejoice or just laugh with...but almost all i can empathize with and help me get in touch with some part of myself without having to do that work for the day. it's like little tune ups. and for that i am so very grateful.

so keep blogging...i know i will. if i have a sucky day (or many sucky days in a row), forgive me. go read one of the mamas on my blog roll...they're good...all of them.

back to laundry and music...i also want to watch stardust again. watched it with my guys the other day, but they thought it was kind of syrupy. i could've done with more syrup and less manly stuff...but i guess it kept us all happy. maybe i'll just fast forward through the fighting parts...i don't know why i'm feeling so "girly" today...maybe the lack of testosterone in the house... it feels good, whatever it is. not something i think i could handle for more than a day, but good nonetheless.

peace

ok, quick video....annie singing her song. i love her. just a regular mama with a voice that could kill a whole army of orcs...this one's shorter than the one on the cd, but i loved watching her sing it. hope you do, too