wow, i needed that

well, that was a beautiful holiday. the kind where i don't really remember what physical gifts i got, because there were just too many gifts of the spirit. i cannot recall the last time i was so physically exhausted, either...

we drove into our hometown on christmas eve...went to mass with my family (who aren't the catholics, for those who are counting) and then went to my cousin's house. some things about that evening... first of all, we usually go to church with my family. but, because they aren't catholic, my husband, who was raised catholic, usually insists we attend a catholic mass at some point as well. which i think is...how shall we say?...overkill. i mean two church services on christmas eve? but, my mom has had some issues with her church the last few years, so we attended my aunt's church who is, jump for joy, catholic. so we only went once this year, which i personally loved.... then we went to my cousin's house. now, this was great fun because there are lots of babies in her family and my spouse and i held them...lots...very fun. but it was awkward because my cousin's husband let us know that she, in fact, was not planning on us coming and was, perhaps, a bit overwhelmed by our large numbers. which almost made me cry. but then, when i got home, i got the letter she'd written me for christmas and decided her spouse was just having a bad day and that the whole even was good, although we will work out the details a little differently next year. (and the details on getting there this year are just a story i don't feel like repeating, but i cannot thank my friends lana and julie enough for listening to my devastated, crying, broken heart the night before i left...thank you, mamas...)

christmas day was great fun with my spouse's family. again, more babies to hold, good food to be had, funny stories to hear...we caroled at the convent (and sucked, by the way...we couldn't even remember the words to "do you hear what i hear?"...thank god most of the nuns are deaf, but not all of them, and the ones who weren't were looking at us like they could've done a better job than we were doing...and they probably could've, but we had two flutes, a guitar, and a violin playing, and those guys didn't need the words...it probably would've sounded better if we would've just shut up and let it be instrumentals with lots of roadies or something...oh well, hindsight and all that) my spouse played a lot...like physically played...tennis, rip sticking (which is like skateboarding, but much harder, i think), running around, playing his flute....i think he needed to get his play on and it was good for him. his family likes to play more than i do, i guess. and i just had fun being a part of that family for awhile...it had been a long time. i let my guard down some, which can, in itself, (i mean the maintaining of the guard) be tiring. it was refreshing and i'm grateful for the time spent.

i also saw two movies yesterday...i haven't done that since i was a teenager. we took the kids to see despereaux and then the spouse and i went to see doubt. i really, really enjoyed both of them. but i also thought doubt was kind of brilliant. it made up for the lack of good church lately for me. i think it made my spouse kind of tense and then he just decided not to talk about it.

so i've enjoyed the holidays. it was kind of a negative build up, and perhaps anything would've been fantastic after that, but whatever the reasons, the holidays were great. i look forward to things returning to their pattern of normalcy, whenever and whatever that may be. but things are good here...
peace

holiday message

or the best i can do right now anyway...

when i was a kid, i really loved untangling my mother's necklaces. the more snarled, the better. it sooooooothed me. srsly. i think it gave me hope each time i pulled this ball of gold into three dainty little necklaces or whatever. it may have also given me the unreal expectation that with enough time and tenderness and patience, everything could be unsnarled into its whole, if not a little crimped up. maybe the expectation isn't completely unreal...but maybe not everything is meant to be unsnarled at once...i truly don't know right now.

i try not to be unreal in my expectations. i try to be tough. i can laugh with the best of them. like at church the other day...i mean, i don't know about you, but i go to church for a little light...or at least some directions to the switch, you know? but the priest at this church...he needs medication, i think. and, not that this means i'm right, but i'm not the only person who thinks this...and some of the folks who also think this...they're doctors. not that that means anything, i'm just saying... so church was a drag. depressing, really. this guy will look at us and tell us some terrible headline and then say, "what is this?....." and if you wait for some answer that brings light into it...well, you have a long wait. (and i've been catholic for ten years...i'm used to waiting and let me tell you, the light, even a little...it didn't come)

but i digress. i try to be tough. laugh at myself. try not to take myself so seriously. and i fail pretty miserably. maybe it's not who i'm meant to be? maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. i don't know. maybe sometimes the damned chains just want to stay snarled. i mean, i'll admit there were times i'd get stuff straightened out and it looked pretty awful...nothing my mother would put around her neck...more like something she'd take to the pawn shop. so maybe some of the snarls in my life are just more becoming as balls of stuff that don't resemble what they originally were and really aren't meant to ever go back to that original form anyway.

ok...so i'm getting ready for christmas. i think i've wrapped all i got. it was pretty slim this year. i'm getting a lot of flack about the perversion of christmas this year. yeah, i get it...commercialism, over consumerism, bladdy blah blah. but it's also fun to use this holiday as a reason to buy people you love stuff you'd never get them otherwise. i understand the whole "obligation buying" thing...yeah, it's a pain in the ass. but finances cut a lot of that out for me this time around. and these guys are killing my buzz. i meaning killing it...dead...and i'm getting kind of tense over it. (this is understatement...i threw a huge tantrum today that included no less that fifteen "fuck"s in it...it was not a proud moment for me...but they say confession is good for the soul and wine always makes confession a little easier)

i hope everyone has a good holiday. i had a great time exchanging gifts with my cyber tribe last night. again...great fun giving and receiving. those are some wonderful people...but frankly, this world is hugely populated with wonderful people...i bet i could name a hundred right now. if you don't know one...go out and meet someone...i bet they'll fall in that category if you're patient...and maybe even if you're not.

merry christmas, happy holidays, and
peace

it's the wine talking

so, i went to a christmas party for dh's work, department, whatever. sat at the end of the table with and older doc (who turned out to be the chairman of the department) and his wife and got morbidly intense over education, poverty, politics, and entitlement. but dh says no worries because the chairman has no sense of humor, is always morbidly intense, so i guess it wasn't just me! woo!

i was pretty pissed about tonight, though. dh had mentioned it a couple of times and had talked about putting it on my calendar, but, uh, well, never did. so when he called after work today (and after this thing had already started) to ask if i remembered, i was a little put out. but i sucked it up, vented to my cyber tribe (which always has the BEST STUFF to say, i have to tell you), and put on some make up and went. oh, and it was a wine tasting christmas thing, so that helped... now i'm home and waiting for ten o'clock to roll around...

but i wanted to put this mandela quote out here...

Only free men can negotiate; prisoners cannot enter into contracts. Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.

i think the dalai lama would be quite pleased with this statement. maybe mandela was a little buddhist, too? i think sometimes i get confused about the idea of dependence arising because i always think "dependent on what?" as though it would be dependent on some alien thing completely different from me or anything i could imagine. but this quote made me think about the inter-relatedness of things...which i am not sure if this is the same as dependence arising, but it sounds similar and that's what sparked my thoughts tonight. and i really loved the quote, too.

yes corey...i often think too much. i cannot tell you how much i loved you saying that today...dh was floored by how well you know me.

peace friends

still flying the good flag

ever try really hard to keep your good flag flying? then maybe it starts to fall over, and you got to get it up again? and you're wondering what it keeps leaning on that keeps moving that makes it all wobbly?... yeah, well, i know about that...

got cookies made yesterday and hung with mama friend and cool kiddos...gooooood.

christmas carolling practice again today...more gooood.

gingerbread house making afterward. now, my guys and i have never done this before. so it was pretty fun. i may do another at home so teenager might get a little more involved. youngest was cheering me on as i got the thing put together...fun times.

christmas party at the rock gym...more goodness.

times can be lonely, times can be tense...but i keep looking for good.

i do want to post a quote from the dalai lama's book on this post...he's moving to the dependent arising nature of things, and this is so simple, it goes way over my head...so....

"Because dependent and independent are a dichotomy, when you see that something cannot be independent or functioning under its own power, there is no other option but to see that it is dependent."

so i think i got that part...i think...i'm never too sure with the dalai lama, i have to admit. so then it talks about existence being dependent on different things...certain causes, its parts, and thought. so when he lost me...

"The 'I' definitely does exist, but when it exists yet cannot be found, we have to say that it arises in dependence upon thought. It cannot be posited any other way."

i mean, i see it a little...but then it disappears and i have no clue. i'm working on it...i'm working on it.

oh, and one more good thing...i was feeling a little lonely last night. i mean, i'd hung for hours with a friend...and had a really, really good time. but last night was a little wobbly...then i got three christmas cards from my cybermama tribe. it was the best universal hug...and they all sent pics of their kids! i'm running out of pics from this year, but i think if it's someone new to send a card to, i'll just send last year's pic because it was great fun to see every one's families.

and so ends today's ramble...
peace