god's thumbnail

tonight the moon was what my grandmother used to call "god's thumbnail"...i believe astronomists call it a crescent. but it just seemed exactly like god's thumbnail once my grandmother pointed it out, and it's been that ever since.

i like to look at the sky at night. i'm looking for operating instructions, to be honest. sometimes it's very bright...sometimes it's very clear. i can almost always see orion in the late fall and winter, it seems. although i will admit i am so spatially challenged that as we rotate at night, i have a hard time finding him and it makes me shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh because it seems like as he moves in the same direction each night, it shouldn't be so hard to find him...but i admit i often walk inside, shaking my head and laughing and having no idea where the hell he went.

there's a sky i see sometimes...it's dark blue...midnight blue i guess (haha, snort)...but there's enough moon that when the clouds make this cool pattern, it looks like a dark blue tie dye pattern. and it reminds me of my friend jeanni. i think she has a shirt like this, but maybe i just made that up. so either way, it is what i have termed in my mind a "jeanni sky." and three nights ago (hell, i think it was three...it's been a busy week), there was a jeanni sky. and it didn't surprise me. jeanni's had some stuff going on, and i've been thinking about her lots. and i hadn't heard from her that night, so i'd been thinking about her especially because it felt kind of foreboding that i hadn't heard from her..."no news is good news" be damned.

i have since heard from her and it wasn't good news. it wasn't necessarily bad news, although jeanni could probably argue that with me if she had a mind to. and she might have a mind to. but she might also not freaking feel like it. the news was that life will change...and it always does...damn it. but why is it that when life deals you those lessons about change, it's always more than you ever wanted? and it is never the way you would've chosen.

marriage comes to mind at this point. we obviously choose to get married. but even then, it rarely goes the way you would've chosen and it's often more than you ever wanted.

but there's been a lot of change in this new year.

my friend julie is here with her new daughter...she's a week old...in her life as julie's daughter. well, a week and a day. julie's daughter is actually four years old. and she's from india. and she is the most amazing thing to hit my house since my daughter. this little one, who i've been calling ruby-roo, is beautiful and mesmerizing and just a damned good sport all around. no, she doesn't speak english. and no, we don't know her language. but we teach her a few words and she teaches us a few words and we all smile a lot because we are just so darned happy to hang out together. i am very honored that julie brought her here to share with all of us and hope it's been worth her while. (what the hell does worth her while mean? i mean, i know what the phrase means, but is that really how it's written out?...) but i'm not going to share with julie my feelings right now about change being more than we ever wanted or rarely going the way we would've chosen. we'll let her get a little further down the way and see if she notices this on her own...

but for me, right now, as i sit in the middle of these changes this year has brought, to those i love (and god, do i love them), as well as the change it's brought to my own life, i can't help but reflect on the things that stay the same (you totally saw that coming, right?).

love. love stays the same. it changes in our relationships, strengthens, weakens, waxes and wanes...like the moon...but it's always there. sometimes in different people, in different relationships, in ourselves and out. but it's there. we may ache for it in the same relationships, ache for it in ourselves, ache for it in the same ways it used to be there. and the ways will change. but the love will always be there. will always find us.

the older i get (and while i realize i may not be THAT old, i don't think anyone would argue that i'm not THAT young anymore either), the more surprised i am by the places i find love that i never would've thought i'd find it. and i'm even more surprised by how much love i find in me. now maybe that's because i've given up the belief that i am the generator of my life and i've opened myself up to the Love that is the true generator of us all. but even that surprises me. it's an act of faith. and while i've always had an easier time believing in good things (i mean really, santa and the easter bunny have never been a huge stretch for me and i never saw the big deal in my parents being the ones to really do it all...it all still happened and was good in the end...), i've always also believed that if i was good enough, did the right thing, earned it somehow, love would come. but now i know love is always there. always has been. always will be.

it may be a perspective thing. one person's trash is another's treasure type of deal. and i have learned not to push my trash on someone who doesn't want it...and the same goes for my treasure. people like to make these evaluations for themselves. we have to. that's part of the whole deal. but i know that love will always, in the end, find us. just like god's thumbnail found me tonight.

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

quickie

i went camping this weekend. it was so, so, soooooo much fun. like "aaahh, i needed that" kind of fun. sun, sweat, laughing, swimming, rowing, fire, communal sleep time, waking up and heading out immediately, consuming my morning caffeine in the sun, sitting still for a little while...these are things that heal, nurture, make me a better person and keep me from feeling like an alien in my life. my sister and her partner being there made it even better. it was awesome shmawesome.

so much i want to write about, but i feel so antsy in my head and in my body...maybe i should've stayed at inks lake a few days longer? i'll get to it...eventually.

peace

some things

i am tired. i do not sleep very well when my spouse works nights. i mean, eventually, after enough nights of night sleeping well, i will just pass the hell out. but even then, i'm usually so dead asleep i wake up with a crick in my neck or my shoulder all out of whack. i just walk around from about six o'clock on looking for that other part of me... (aww, how sweet...but seriously, it gets old)

speaking of my spouse...when he became an ob/gyn, i had no idea what this would mean for our relationships with the women in our families and lives. the information we would suddenly become privy to...the questions we'd be asked...discussions that would arise...confidences we would enter into. i would like to think that, in some ways, this will really enhance my sons' understanding of women, their ability to appreciate the depth of the experience...and not just women on the t.v. screen or women you read about or, even worse sometimes, hear about...but women they love and have been loved by...aunts, cousins...

i am starting to have periods of feeling like i just might have my head wrapped around this whole "i am pregnant and will have a baby in november" idea...for awhile i was thinking "maybe i'll have a kitten...a kitten would be nice..." (i think that meant my head wasn't so wrapped around the idea...) i have an ultrasound next week. and almost everyone i know has insisted i find out the sex. and although i am a huge people pleaser by nature, i'm really kind of leaning toward not finding out. but i am having a hard time committing to much in this vein that has taken over my life in so many ways...so the decision is probably, in all reality, still wide open at this point.

oh, and rabies vaccinations. this is a subject i could talk about forever...almost as interesting to me as the last election for some reason. it all started when my youngest was bitten in the face by a stray dog a few years back...what a fiasco. i mean, it went fairly smoothly...but emotionally, i was wrecked. i mean, sure, i was worried about my kid...reading about rabies, even though you know the dog probably did not have rabies and therefore your child really probably does not have rabies, but just reading about it, and how, you know, deadly it is...and how much the treatment sucks...was enough to do.me.in. and then i had all this guilt that this woman had to pay to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out...only she didn't have to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out, she had to do it because her dog wasn't up to date on his vaccinations...which really sucked because my dogs were up to date on theirs, but i couldn't judge her for not having her dog up to date...it's one of those goofy laws that i could totally see myself breaking either by choice based on principal against over vaccinating dogs against rabies or, you know, just because i forgot. anyway...i just find rabies discussions fascinating. but i don't think they make such great coffee table topics... and i am stuck on this because i took my dogs to the vet today. this is normally a task i dread, but by the grace of a great vet, i usually end up glad i did it. today wasn't so much like that...you know, grace-filled. the vet wasn't awful...but not my favorite either. so much not my favorite that i didn't even ask her what she thought about rabies vaccinations...nyeh.

and there...i think i have purged my brain for now. i do miss my spouse...and i don't see myself as overly dependent on him. (we've been having this discussion in my cyber-tribe about being overly-anything...and generally, it just doesn't feel like compliment...we were also having a rabies discussion, but almost all my conversations in real life these days start out with, "on my mama board we were talking about...." so maybe i should not base my blog on these threads, too.) anyway...i think i'm a pretty independent woman. but i do miss the guy i sleep with every night. and it's not just the sex. really. i mean it.

peace

still here, still hormonal

but doing alright...

there are so many things i think about in a day. so many things i feel passionately about...at least for that minute i'm thinking it. i guess in some ways, it's good to revisit this tripped out hormonal state...because i had forgotten how maddening and debilitating it can be (and i think it will help me be empathetic as my guys approach or wallow in teen-hood). i can't even beat my high score on this word game i love because 1. my fingers won't type right...i mean, if i told you how many times i have to back up and retype stuff because i keep hitting the wrong keys, you'd probably cry for me and 2. i can't remember how to spell anything...seriously. i just can't. and i'm blaming it all on the hormones. i talked to my kids about this yesterday, and it's like now my teenager "gets" me...he's really nice...or at least, if i snap at him, he doesn't snap back. he just gives me this look full of empathy, pats my shoulder, and walks away... he even let me hit him with a pillow yesterday...and i think that was kind of hard for him because i don't have ninja like reflexes and i'm pretty sure he saw it coming...but he didn't block it. he said it looked like i needed that.

i was trying to support my sil through some stuff with my nephew the other day, but apparently, i don't offer the kind of support she's looking for. so there i was, all ready to give support, and she was avoiding me. it was kind of hurting my feelings until i realized i was trying to help her and that if she wasn't ready for it, i really should back the hell off. oh yeah... so even though that was a little slow in coming, at least i got there....

i told my spouse that my therapist said it would be hard for me to get my needs met in a house full of males...and he got kind of pissed and wanted to know if that was his fault. uhm...i wasn't really prepared for that response. so i asked him if he was having trouble getting some of his own needs met. (well, i should, for the sake of honesty, explain that the first part happened one night and i didn't actually ask him about his needs for another two days...i was pretty pissed at his reaction to my attempt to explain how much it sucks to be so hormonal in a house of selfish, er, i mean men used to me taking care of my own needs...so that's how that went down.) now, he's going to help me try to get the house cleaned up/organized/decluttered. we're picking a project a night...but i know me...we'll be taking some nights off. i'm kind of over the "super-tired" hump, but i found a "yep, still-tired" plateau right on the other side...sigh.

oh, and my sil gave me a diaper bag. it's kind of huge. and she was showing me all the compartments and changing mats and "features"...etc...and i told her she was giving me a little bit of an anxiety attack... oh! and then later that night, over dinner, my husband was talking about the money he would've made if he would've stayed a pharmacist for eight years instead of doing this medical school thing...omg...it's almost enough to drive a pregnant woman to drink. i mean, it was enough for my sil to hand me the wine bottle...sigh.

see, it's not that i don't want to be pregnant. it's just that i was kind of used to being a mom of four...four who were pretty independent and stuff. i mean, there were days and such, but i'm a little insecure about my ability to handle nights with a newborn (ok, this makes me throw up in my mouth just a little), and tantrums, and the mess...oh lord, the mess...i mean, it's not like we don't make messes, too, it's just that baby and toddler messes are so sticky... ok, i must stop myself...this serves no one. i am looking forward to folding a fresh load of clean diapers. smelling new baby smells. hearing those tiny little cries that are (god willing) pretty easy to silence by meeting that need... those moments when you get to eat with two hands because some lovely person has shown up and been charmed by the baby and won't let go... smiles and laughs. big brothers wrapping willingly around that tiny little finger. it'll be good...hell, it'll probably be great. our fourth born was the best idea we never had...and i remember looking at him on his second birthday, my eyes filling with tears, and thinking "what would we ever do without you?" and i can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy that i look forward to every week of...because i really think i may need each of those weeks to prepare for this..."wrap my brain around it" as my therapist and therapist friend like to say (apparently they learn these phrases in school or something). and that is ok...

peace

happy mother's day!

i am feeling a little blue this mother's day...ready for my spouse and robo champion to come home. yep, he and his partner got third place...woo! they're pretty excited... and so am i. but they won't be home until a few hours later than they originally thought...and this was not exciting news.

but, i have to say, it was really sweet today when my bil came and took my guys out to lunch...he's a pretty thoughtful guy. and when my mil left me a message telling me i was a big part of why she feels like the luckiest mil in the world...well...people shouldn't be so nice to someone so tanked up on hormones...it makes them cry a lot.

hope all the mamas are having a lovely day...
peace

breathing

yes, i'm still around. yes, i've been thinking about lots. no, there hasn't been time to blog about any of it. yes, i've already forgotten most of it. i'm just still so tired these days.

it feels funny talking about being pregnant. i mean, i am and stuff...i know this. but after not telling anyone for...six weeks?...it's just kind of weird being out of the closet. i feel like i don't even remember how to do this. if my stomach's empty, i'm nauseous. if i eat too much, i'm nauseous. and i am not doing a very good job of finding the balance. and it doesn't help that food is just so appealing these days. a fried egg on a piece of toast this morning almost made me cry it was so good...but then lots of things almost make me cry. it is fun trying to hold my head up and maintain some dignity when i feel kind of silly that everything, for one reason or another, makes me want to cry. but i don't cry...much...

it was funny. last night, my spouse walked in the door...and it's just been such a busy semester (yada yada) and we'd had a busy weekend with friends visiting and the kids were grumpy and the teen was angsty and attitudinal and dh walked in at just the moment that i was thinking i'd really like to just cry about this to him. do you understand how rare that is? for him to actually walk in the door at the minute i'm thinking about talking to him? this almost never happens. so when i saw him, i started crying. (i'm cracking up at myself here) and he said, "oh, i'm sorry, i can leave if you want..." and that made me cry more. it was kind of sweet and pathetic and i'm just glad that moment's over.

yeah, so that's where i am. and the semester is really pretty much over. i don't have to spend six hours on the road picking my teen up from his dual enrollment class anymore. today was his last day. yes, this makes me so happy i want to cry. but tomorrow is also the last day of co-op for the semester. and the next day is the last piano lesson til the fall. and the last soccer practice of the season got rained out. and i cannot even begin to express in words how different this feels. like the lightening off my chest almost hurts, it's so huge... and the feeling of freedom truly is just about intoxicating. i am very proud of all we accomplished this school year...it was an incredible ride. we worked damned hard and, yes, it makes me cry to think about how impressed i am with my kiddos...and myself, too. but i am so, so, SO looking forward to resetting a few priorities...getting back to center in the home...with the family...preparing for the new arrival, taking care of each other, and doing some reading and artsy stuff together, playing lots outside, seeing folks we love.

yeah, i'm wiping a tear or two. :)
peace

ps--am i the only one who thinks it's weird that spell check flagged "angsty" but not "attitudinal"? just wondering...

things i've learned

in the past week or so, i mean...

--robotics is a big deal in other countries. it is also a big deal in some places in the united states. it is hard to inspire a love of science and technology when you are focused on winning trophies. i think this may have been a problem for our team. when you let kids lead in their explorations of science and technology, their enthusiasm is authentic. fake enthusiasm does not carry you far. it may get you to internationals, but probably not too far into internationals.

--you do not have to win to learn a lot. we learned a lot. and i think we had a lot of fun, too. the kids worked a lot, though. which was a natural consequence. they were pretty tired of robotics by the end of the season and their work wasn't very focused at practices. so when they got to the festival and saw what the other teams had going, there was some mad scrambling to get their robot together. i am still not sure why the robot fell apart so badly at the end there...technology isn't my thing.

--a natural part of levels of competition is going out in your little pond and finding just how good a fish you are at something. and your pond may decide to send you to the next big pond to compete there. but you will find some fish who are pretty good in their ponds, too, and see how you do. should you actually make it to the ocean, be guaranteed you will find some really awesome fish. and even if you find out you are the biggest fish there, it will still be very inspiring to spend time with people who are passionate about and love what they do. don't be too sad if you aren't the best fish in the ocean at something...there are a lot of fish out there...the cool thing about being the best is that it's hard and rare and there are only a few. but when you do what you love and feel good about what you do, it's just fun hanging out.

--the haitian team was across the way from us. the singapore team was on one side of us. denmark was on the other. twenty-seven countries were present at the festival. it was amazing. i felt honored to be invited and able to take our guys there. it is awesome to share space and time with people from so far and wide.

--sometimes, if you are having a hard time processing something or feeling a little stuck, you can share it with those you love and who love you, and they will be so overwhelmingly supportive and positive that you can borrow a little of that and they don't even mind. we're expecting our fifth child in november.

--when you're trying to be great at something, or excellent if that's what the rubric calls it, you can't skip fair and good...you end up missing things and the judges can tell. it's like trying to be sixteen without being ten or fourteen....it just doesn't work right and you look kind of goofy.

--everyone has their lessons. to try to tell someone else what they should learn is kind of arrogant. and robs you of learning your own. and for some reason, focusing on what others should learn leaves you feeling negative, while focusing on the things you've learned usually empowers you. i don't really know why this works this way...it's just how it seems to be and i'm glad to learn it.

--kids should get to make their own stories. at least, if you expect them to tell their stories, it should be the one they chose. trying to tie them into a legacy they don't feel connected to just gives them something to memorize that doesn't mean much to them. this ties into that authenticity thing i was talking about earlier...and also the leading their own explorations. kids can do absolutely crazy things sometimes and this is why we are here to guide them. but they are also amazing and can lead us to places we'd never even be able to imagine. if we can respect them and be silent for long enough for them to find their voices.

i think i'll stop there. it was such a great, great, rich experience. i hope the guys found as much fodder for growth as i did. and if not, i hope they had as much freaking fun as i did.
peace

fun times

what a great weekend...

got to see my niece. she's home from the hospital. she's gorgeous...and i don't think i feel that way because she's my niece. i mean, i think even if she was a stranger on the street, i'd be pretty smitten. she looks great. i'm really happy for her parents that all their kiddos are at home, together, where they belong...no more parts of their heart scattered....that comes much, much later.

i had so much fun hanging out with my in laws. they're such great, smart people. i especially appreciate when we have a little time alone with them and they can share their wisdom...in really subtle, but warm ways. i miss them more than i realize.

actually, i think we miss all of our family more than we realize. but it is awesome to go back and hang out. we got to see our grand niece. and our nieces and nephews...brothers, sisters...everyone else. it was good times....really good times.

hey, guess what? my oldest plays the guitar. ha! ok, ok...i knew he'd been messing around on it in his room. his dad had even checked out the complete idiot's handbook to guitars and the guitar hero song book for him at the library two weeks ago (or was it longer? crap...i hate late fees). but my spouse and i were pretty shocked when teenager sat down and started playing with his aunt as she was practicing the music for easter mass. so guess what? even though i felt a little concerned that i was letting him get too rock n roll...and even though he'd never expressed any interest in being a part of mass other than sitting and zoning out (oh, and eating a little jesus...he has taken his first communion)...he played the guitar with the family choir (in front of the whole church) for easter mass. wow...

ok...i now have to go empty my car from our weekend travels to get it ready for travel to the world festival. we also have robotics in three hours, so i should probably get my ass in gear. we still need to pack and do tons of other things i am forgetting, i'm sure. but when we get back, we will be that much closer to april, and this semester, being finished. i am so ready for the rest....

peace

powerful stuff

i tell you, you ask people to send some prayers for someone, and great things happen.

my aunt's doing really well. she's back, according to my mom. she knows who she is, where she is, who the folks around her are. good stuff. not sure if the meningitis was bacterial or viral. she's getting better and they are giving her antibiotics...but nothing grew out in her cultures. so...i'm inclined to believe it's viral and improving with antibiotics is just coincidental. my mom agrees. (she's a clinical nurse specialist in oncology...we love working out these little details in our heads together...doctors aren't too concerned with the specifics because she's improving...but we LOVE mindfucking, er, i mean going over the details...) so thank you for all those prayers...i know some awesome pray-ers, i'm pretty sure.

and my niece...she should be going home today, which is five days early, if you're counting. the nicu she stayed in (which is also the one my thirdborn stayed in when he made his appearance a bit early, you know, like five weeks early) has a policy that the parents must spend the last night there at the hospital with baby before baby is discharged. mostly it's so they can learn any equipment or dressing changes or whatever. but, as we learned with our son, even when none of that is an issue, they still want you to stay that night before discharge. so my bil and sil stayed the night last night and everyone should be heading home today. good stuff... hoping i can see her at easter, but thinking probably not. and because i remember how tender a mama is once she brings her little one home after that little one has spent the first week or weeks of life in a box and not in mama's arms...i'm okay with that.

so we will travel home for an evening to celebrate easter with my spouse's family. after he finishes his research project presentation today. and we go to the dinner for this thing tonight. ("you can't be overdressed for it, marci"...this does not instill confidence in me...ugh) then we come home from traveling, have two nights at home, and then we're off to the fll world festival til next sunday. as excited as i am to be able to do this, i am really looking forward to when this is done. i'm ready to be a little bored for awhile. i want to soak in boredom....bathe in it....roll around in it. then i want to pick things to do spontaneously...because i can....because there isn't already something on my calendar for that day, that moment.

almost there, my little smurfs.

peace

prayers on a busy day

today's been kind of...busy....eventful...something like that.

i woke up and got to chat with a friend online. that was good stuff. she's going camping, but i'm not so jealous i don't still like her lots. (i will camp this summer, i will camp this summer...)

once i picked up teen at his dual enrollment class, i decided that i was going to get some stuff accomplished. but my sister called first to tell me that my aunt is in the icu...with meningitis. my cousins are my kids ages...well, her older daughter is ten months older than my oldest and her younger daughter is a week older than my second born. and their mama's in the icu...and can barely remember who she is or where she is. so some prayers for her, please...my aunt lori.

then we ran our errands. teen was not too happy once we finished because he's decided he doesn't need to eat breakfast. which i don't agree with...but i don't get to agree with everything he chooses and i'm alright with that. but when i decide to run an hour's worth of errands...ok, maybe an hour and a half...and he's starving and grouchy as hell by the end, well, then i feel his choice is inconvenient. much in the way he felt mine was inconvenient. it's so hard when you aren't the one driving the car. and i empathize with that. but i also know he'll have much time to be the one driving in his future, so i've let it go. plus, once he ate, he was back to normal.

but get this...i load everyone in the car, thinking we're running late to piano, so i've got that extra edge to my voice...we need to hurry kind of thing. we back down the driveway and something in the universe shifts and i ask teenager, "isn't piano at 2?" he says, "yeah, i think so." so i ask, "then why are you letting me run everyone out the door and load us up as though it's at 1?" he thought i'd gotten a call or something. children are so trusting. even when they know we're nutso. so i drove back up the driveway and my youngest shouts, "well, that was a short trip!"

oy...i'm going to skip the part about talking to my mother and the way things are going with her and my stepfather...it was a two hour conversation, but i just don't have the energy to even summarize it. we DID, however, pick up teenager's glasses. and the wonderful woman at the glasses place even fixed his spare pair that we didn't even buy there. i was and still am very, very grateful.

oh, and speaking of gratitude...my bil and sil sponsored my oldest for his robotics trip. once i let go of some of my fear, things work out amazingly well. once i know longer try to be the only one in control, it seems others find room to step in...and then it is so much better.

so prayers for aunt lori...and my little niece is still in the nicu...getting better, but still there. maybe the week after easter she'll get to come home.

peace

gratitude

there's this scene from harry potter...the movie...which one?....uhm, the one with the baby thestrals in it. because it's when luna is telling harry that if she were voldemort, she would want to make harry feel alone to weaken him...because we draw strength in numbers. that's been playing through my mind a lot. not necessarily the scene, but the sentiment...it just so happens that when i am looking for an image to attach to the sentiment, this is the one that pops up for me.

i think i've mentioned before that eight years (med school + residency) just didn't sound that long six years ago... but all of a sudden, it feels like f.o.r.e.v.e.r. a family of six making it on a resident's salary is getting tough. or it was...yeah, there's a happy ending coming up here in a bit. but i have stretched dollars and cut costs when i wasn't sure i could do it anymore. i don't mean to sound like we're suffering...we're not. our kids still climb at one of the best rock gyms i've seen in texas (but i admit i'm not ALL that well traveled as far as rock gyms go), they still take music lessons, and now, i have not just ONE child traveling to the international level of his robotics competition, i have a SECOND one who just qualified for nationals in his competition. and he'll go. he is bursting in a way i rarely see my second born burst and, come hell or high water, he will go...this is our commitment to him as his parents.

but finding a way to make that happen...it has been getting daunting. when my spouse did pharmacy school, when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, i worked. that is what we did in the family i grew up in. but once that child was born, my mil told me she wanted to me to feel like i had the option to stay home with my child, if that was what i wanted. my spouse (who was my boyfriend at the time...i only mention this because it makes me feel young in a weird way) asked me to consider it. but i did not know where the money to eat, to pay rent, would come from. but it always came. sometimes his parents helped us...and this one was huge...having family that can and will do that is amazing. sometimes we charged things. sometimes we filed income taxes or sold things. mostly, we just enjoyed the simple and free pleasuers of life. and i have not one regret for the choices we made. oh, i did work sometimes. but i usually ended up coming back home. it was just how our little family rolled. and it's still how we roll... i learned a lot of faith in those times. i also learned a lot of responsibility. and while i have still been practicing the responsibility as of late, the faith was escaping me a bit. i mean, we were making it. a loan here helped. we still had income taxes to file, and that would help. but the stress of trying to make it all work was leaving us tired, and worn, and feeling a little alone...a little stretched...and a little like we didn't have much to give others, to be honest. but we got a deposit in our account a few days ago that will probably mean we can make it through the rest of the year without taking out any more loans. and while i don't think it's necessarily appropriate to post my financials here...this has made a lot of difference today. a lot.

i looked over our bills, and they have steadily dropped since moving out here almost two years ago. we still find ways to trim here, use less there. my spouse works extra hours when they are offered. but the recent success of our children in robotics (who the hell knew they'd be such robot whiz-kids?) has been challenging. and made me feel desperate in a way i was growing to hate. i thought maybe i'd just pull them from music lessons to make up the difference. but, after this deposit, i don't have to. at least not yet.

my spouse has a little over two years left of this residency. and then, things should lighten up a little...i think. i really don't know, and while it seems obvious they should, i hate setting myself up for disappointment, so we'll just leave it at they should. so we keep telling ourselves two more years of rough financial times, and then it'll get a little easier. we usually hold hands when we say this to each other. he doesn't know about this deposit yet. but it helps me remember to have faith. and to be a part of other people's lives in a way that keeps faith alive for all of us. and for this reminder that i am not alone, that there are people praying for me and supporting me, even when i am so wrapped up in my own stress i don't remember to do the same, i am so, so, so very grateful.

peace

forgivishness

i love this word. it's an anne lamott word. the title of a section of her book of essays called grace (eventually). i was thinking about forgiveness and how necessary it is, but how difficult it can be when you're still feeling pretty pissed off. and then this word jumped out at me from the page and i laughed and thought, "well, of course! there's the step between where i am now and forgiveness that i was leaving out...now i can do this..." anne can really be there for me sometimes...

i was talking to my friend christian about it last night and telling him about that buddhist saying about how holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal...it only burns you. and one of the things i love most about this man are the moments like last night when he says, "yes, you want to let go of the coal and forgive the other person...but you'd really like to let go of the coal so that it lands on the other person's head, right?" he is so wise. he helps me find my way back to the me i want to be...but with lots of laughing along the way, which makes it pleasant and not seem like hard work...it also leaves me feeling very loved, and not like it's me, alone, against the me i don't want to be. and then i listen to him go on about the $500 prada sneakers he wants, so i feel like i'm able to be there for him, too.

my husband and i planted our strawberry plants and three blueberry bushes yesterday. all that's coming up in our garden right now is some beans and a few tomato plants. it's gotten a little colder, so it's kind of slow going, but at least the sun's cooperating, so maybe not as slow as it could be.

and i also drove around yesterday singing this song at the top of my lungs with my sons, which is fun and amusing and liberating all at the same time...



forgiveness can be hard work, but with this extra forgivishness step in there and people to help out along the way, it can be quite rewarding.

peace

sleepy

i am sitting here, getting ready to pour my second cup of coffee...and i'm tired. coming back home after being in california for six days is a bit of a jolt. i also think having a cold and acting like a kid and going, going, GOING anyway might have a little to do with my exhaustion. it was fun, fun stuff.

san francisco is like a different way of life. i mean, we're all people...we all eat, sleep, poop, work, etc...but it was so neat. so much walking. such a great public transit system (although sometimes those drivers drive so quickly...and with all the stopping and starting...it was hard to get my land legs after getting off of some of those buses).

did i mention there were 23 of us staying in two houses in san francisco? all my spouse's family? did i? well, my spouse is the youngest of five children. and there is often a lot of tension in his family. but this trip went really well. i mean, yes, there were tense moments. but things seem to recover much more quickly than usual. or maybe i'm just getting older and don't care as much. either way, it was good. the kids had a lot of fun together...no f-bombs or the like. and the adults did pretty well, too. (yeah, i'm not making the no f-bombs statement here...i don't like to lie and i'm not too sure on that one). but for the most part, things went fairly well. i think, because this was an unfamiliar place to many of us, the mamas were too busy either shopping or keeping track of kiddos. the tension tended to come from the men this time...directions, decision making, stuff like that. go figure...

it's great going from texas to california, because you wake up at six or six thirty every morning...even if you don't go to sleep until eleven o'clock or midnight. get up, get dressed, eat dim sum (burp) and go exploring. california to texas? not so easy. especially when you don't actually make it to your house until 2:30 in the morning. but...this is a side note...i was so proud of my teen. he went to his class monday morning (which requires leaving our house by 7:15 or earlier) after getting into his bed at 2:30 monday morning. my spouse and i left it up to him. and he went. i think he would've stayed home, but he realized he'd be missing next monday to attend my grandmother's funeral, so he decided to go. i was impressed...he really is growing up. (if i could just ignore all the dirty underwear shoved around the edges of his bed...why do they do that?!?!?!)

so...i made it up early this morning. teen did too, again. he's one ahead of me on that. the rest of my house is quiet, quiet. i think another cup of coffee is in order. maybe some more strawberries. it is good, good to be home. but i had a lot of fun in san francisco and can't wait to go back and experience and explore some more.

peace

playing

i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?
peace

wow, i needed that

well, that was a beautiful holiday. the kind where i don't really remember what physical gifts i got, because there were just too many gifts of the spirit. i cannot recall the last time i was so physically exhausted, either...

we drove into our hometown on christmas eve...went to mass with my family (who aren't the catholics, for those who are counting) and then went to my cousin's house. some things about that evening... first of all, we usually go to church with my family. but, because they aren't catholic, my husband, who was raised catholic, usually insists we attend a catholic mass at some point as well. which i think is...how shall we say?...overkill. i mean two church services on christmas eve? but, my mom has had some issues with her church the last few years, so we attended my aunt's church who is, jump for joy, catholic. so we only went once this year, which i personally loved.... then we went to my cousin's house. now, this was great fun because there are lots of babies in her family and my spouse and i held them...lots...very fun. but it was awkward because my cousin's husband let us know that she, in fact, was not planning on us coming and was, perhaps, a bit overwhelmed by our large numbers. which almost made me cry. but then, when i got home, i got the letter she'd written me for christmas and decided her spouse was just having a bad day and that the whole even was good, although we will work out the details a little differently next year. (and the details on getting there this year are just a story i don't feel like repeating, but i cannot thank my friends lana and julie enough for listening to my devastated, crying, broken heart the night before i left...thank you, mamas...)

christmas day was great fun with my spouse's family. again, more babies to hold, good food to be had, funny stories to hear...we caroled at the convent (and sucked, by the way...we couldn't even remember the words to "do you hear what i hear?"...thank god most of the nuns are deaf, but not all of them, and the ones who weren't were looking at us like they could've done a better job than we were doing...and they probably could've, but we had two flutes, a guitar, and a violin playing, and those guys didn't need the words...it probably would've sounded better if we would've just shut up and let it be instrumentals with lots of roadies or something...oh well, hindsight and all that) my spouse played a lot...like physically played...tennis, rip sticking (which is like skateboarding, but much harder, i think), running around, playing his flute....i think he needed to get his play on and it was good for him. his family likes to play more than i do, i guess. and i just had fun being a part of that family for awhile...it had been a long time. i let my guard down some, which can, in itself, (i mean the maintaining of the guard) be tiring. it was refreshing and i'm grateful for the time spent.

i also saw two movies yesterday...i haven't done that since i was a teenager. we took the kids to see despereaux and then the spouse and i went to see doubt. i really, really enjoyed both of them. but i also thought doubt was kind of brilliant. it made up for the lack of good church lately for me. i think it made my spouse kind of tense and then he just decided not to talk about it.

so i've enjoyed the holidays. it was kind of a negative build up, and perhaps anything would've been fantastic after that, but whatever the reasons, the holidays were great. i look forward to things returning to their pattern of normalcy, whenever and whatever that may be. but things are good here...
peace

happy day

well, it was my first thanksgiving hosted at my house. my sister and i cooked almost everything, with a few additions from my spouse and my bil. and my sister's girlfriend helped a lot, too. until she started puking at three o'clock this morning. which was weird because my eighty-five year old grandmother was coming and i didn't want her to get sick. but then, about six hours after she got here, my eighty-five year old grandmother was puking, too. but otherwise, i think it was a complete success...

hehe

really...it was good. my brothers came. my dad was funny and not too drunk. my sister was, well, very much my sister. my kids played too many video games. and everyone pretty much had a great time. except for the barfers. but the barfers even smiled some post-barfing and we all took our turns cleaning up the bathroom....

a lovely day with lots of moments to reflect on gratitude and whatnot.
peace

marathon lessons

ok, so i didn't win. (snort...my bil, for some reason, kept reminding me of the purse in this marathon, which was annoying after the second or third time...it was this implication that if i was going to run, i might as well try to win or something...buzzkill...)

but i did finish. and i did shave about twelve minutes off of my time in february. my sister had the goal that we'd finish in under three hours. and i admit, i thought that goal was kind of crazy since she hadn't run in two months prior to the half marathon and i hadn't run the two weeks prior. but, like this shirt i saw on the course (and as the mandela quote on the right reminded me of, too)...marathons are the triumph of desire over reason. and my sister and i experienced that triumph yesterday...it was awesome. (we finished in two hours, fifty-nine minutes, and thirty-seven seconds...shweet)

but triumph and awesome-ness sometimes hurt like hell. and my sister and i are also experiencing that today. oh yeah baby...can you say hobble? well, i can. (and i mean i can hobble...not just say it...hope, we didn't do too well without you to remind us to stretch afterward...oh well...it was humbling and we'll never forget again, i'm sure.)

but let me tell you something about my sister and i. or something i learned about my sister and i. or something i figured out about my sister and i. we are good partners in these kind of deals. because she is stubborn and cynical and freaking hilarious. (there was this moment that i don't think i'll ever forget...strangely it was one of my favorite half marathon moments...where we ran by this guy in a banana suit and my sister looked him in the eye and started shouting "peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time" and the guy's eye lit up and he and his friends and my sister finished this little chant from family guy that she showed me last night so i'd get it...but it was so random and so hilarious and this is the stuff my sister excels at.) anyway, she thinks i'd leave her in the dust if i didn't run with her. and i did pull her along a little at the end. it was a sweet moment when i told her we could make her goal even if we walked, but that we'd have to walk faster and she looked at me and said, not all yelling at me either, "but i am walking fast" and suddenly looked like a little kid again. anyway, what she doesn't know is that i may be able to run longer, or ignore the pain better than her (i HAVE had four children to her never even had intercourse, you know...), but i would never be able to do this without her. there are things she believes about me and limbs she is willing to walk out on with me that no one else in this world would even consider. and for that, i am strong. well, i'm sure working out and training has a little to do with being strong, but it makes me determined...and there's a lot of strength in that, too.

we had a big cheerleading section at the seventh mile marker yesterday. my mom. my spouse and kids. my bff from high school and her partner. that awesome friend i was writing about awhile back who plays beautiful music. and also my sister's new girlfriend, who i really like a lot and is already part of our family. i cannot tell you what a lift seeing all of them was.

and i told my cyber mama tribe i would be thinking about them while i ran. and i did. they are such a diverse, strong, gentle group of women.

so of all the shirts i saw that were inspiring...

the older i get, the faster i was

on a really long beer run

marathon, the triumph of desire over reason

who moved the finish line?

i know i run like a girl, try to keep up.

and my personal favorite, does this shirt make my butt look fast?

i have to go with...13.1 miles and still smiling.
peace

roll call of sorts

so sometimes it feels weird to post about the emotions of a weekend and find them so completely untied in to what was actually going on that weekend...what my family did...the fact that we had a lot of fun together...stuff like that.

so i thought i'd post a little about what we did this weekend.

friday my parents came to visit. we were at the park when they got to our town. we'd just finished planning next semester for the co-op we participate in...very exciting stuff. then we picked up lunch and came home to meet my dad and step mom. it was very nice, very cool hanging out with them, watching them watch their grandchildren...you know, just normal old sharing space stuff. then they left to visit my grandparents, who have alzheimer's and dementia a few more hours up the road.

then my friend julie came to stay the weekend. she bought us all tickets to the renaissance festival for my children's birthdays. it was an awesome gift. we left saturday morning, after my dh finished rounding on his patients. we met my sister and her partner, who we were meeting for the first time. it was a lot of fun. we got to see the birds of prey show (a MUST SEE every time we've ever been), the other brothers (a comedy/juggling act that my spouse, i'm pretty sure, wants to be when he grows up), and the joust. my sister and her partner took the bigs to the ded bob show, too... then we threw chinese stars, axes, knives, catapulted frogs, rode in giant swings...it was great fun. the weather was absolutely beautiful and the company was the best. it had just been so long since we'd had time together, as a family and with a group of friends, doing something so completely leisurely...it was healing.

and then yesterday, as often happens when julie visits, she convinced me i can cook anything...so cabbage rolls were on the menu last night, and a cabbage casserole (to use up the rest of the head of cabbage) and a pumpkin pie. my bil, sil, and nephew came to visit, which always makes me very happy, and we all had a good time talking, laughing, playing with baby s, my two year old nephew.

yesterday was also remarkable because each of my guys got time alone, which is pretty rare. my oldest biked to his robotics team meeting and back. my second born had his robotics meeting. my third born went fishing with dad. and my youngest went to the grocery store with mama (he chose this, i swear...it wasn't a dead end field trip). julie stayed home and read twilight, which i believe i have gotten her addicted to.

so while i was having my kfkd delusions and feeling like an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, there were really quite a few great things going on around me that i was also able to participate in and enjoy. i am grateful for the time with loved ones this weekend. ken always reminds me there are chains of gold and chains of iron. the real kicker is that i'm starting to realize we get to choose our chains...letting go of some of them is kind of hard. yep...

here's the song i woke up to playing in my head...don't think it was kfkd playing this morning...must've bumped the dial... :)


uhm, yeah, this video was taken at a barnes and nobles in minneapolis...wow...
peace

keeping it light

okay, a little potty humor from today...

my youngest went potty at the rock climbing gym today. we're, what?, four days out from halloween? he'd told me he thought he had to pee and poop, which means "come check on me in a minute because i'll probably need help wiping". so i gave him some time, went in, and while i was wiping him, i noticed the little round poo balls in the bottom of the toilet. so i ask him, "was it hard to get this poo out?" and he says yes. so i go on to tell him it's because he's eating too much candy and a lot of sugar will make him constipated, which means it is very hard to get the poo out. and he replies, "yeah! and i almost had to explode my head when i was pushing it out, too!"

yes, these moments sustain me in some strange way...freaking hilarious.

and i think it's really cool that my fourteen year old has not walked away from the television and election coverage tonight. i think i owe part of this to his founding documents class he's taking in co-op, along with his teacher who i happen to know he really, really likes. but the rest i think really just has to do with an awakening awareness of the world we live in. he mentioned tonight how excited he is to be able to vote in the next election. (which almost made me throw up in my mouth, but i donwannatalkboutthat) i am surprised by how emotional i feel about this election. the realization of an america where an african american man can run for president chokes me up.

alright...was that light? i don't even know. i am soooo morbidly intense right now...i can barely stand myself.

oh, and some thoughts for my spouse's father. he had a heart attack in february, remember? he's re-clogged what they opened already, so surgery is in his future. no one is happy about this. he's a really good man, even if he did instill this overkill work ethic in his sons...so he is on my mind and in my heart.

and this is really small, but my youngest is getting a cold, it sounds like. and since we haven't been sick in so long (which i am grateful for, i promise), it almost makes me cry to hear his hoarse little voice and see his tired little eyes. yes, everything almost makes me cry, but i wanted to mention this one specifically.

peace out

ps--came back to add...so we're still watching election night coverage...and it is cracking me up that my youngest has started referring to the blue states as the rebels and the red states as the empire...think star wars...it's the color of the light sabers, i swear...i don't talk politics with my five year old...anyway...it is, again, one of those things that sustains me.