gentle morning

this has been an easy going morning. we each woke up on our own. i've made coffee, talked to my sister who was on her way to help my dad board up his house in anticipation of hurricane ike, caught up on email, eaten a little breakfast, hugged each of my children, talked to my niece who has the new baby, read blogs, visited the cyber tribe...

last night was a hard night for a little while. it's been awhile since i felt like i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing as a parent. and i was only there for an hour or so last night. (makes me cringe to remember how i used to spend days there...poor kiddos...poor mama.) but last night, my oldest was so angry. i mean, he'd been angry off and on throughout the day...i think i even blogged about it being kind of cute. but when they got home from rock climbing last night, he was just so pissed. i guess his younger brothers had been pretty loud in the car on the way home and it just set off something in him. he wasn't really sure what it was, either. he just said we had too many people in our house. which i understand...i feel the same way at times. it just gets too loud and i can't think straight...i get a headache. but i pointed out to eldest that he was the only person in our house who had a room all to himself... he ended up taking a shower and eating some soup that dh had made for dinner and then going to bed. and he seems more himself today. i think he slept in a little. i've seen him smile some...

it's hard to watch him get so angry and seem so lost in that anger. i don't want him to feel alone, although i guess in some ways you have to be alone in anger...it's part of what defines it at times. and i think i make him angrier when i don't just leave him alone...sometimes. sigh...nothing's always, huh? it'd be easier if it was...but it's not.

my second born son is also entering his own pre-puberty/puberty is a-coming stage. i can see it in his eyes. i know he'll handle the rush of hormones and emotions differently from his big brother. i think sometimes that's his mission...to be different from his big brother. don't get me wrong, he's a beautiful child...and i sometimes feel myself pull away from him because he is so much like me...and it's beautiful to see me reflected in someone else and horrifying all at the same time. so i try to just focus on him...not the me-ness at all. and i guess this is a motivating factor in all the ego contemplation lately.

whew, i have stopped and started this blog so many times, i'm just going to post it.
peace

lego my ego

this title makes me laugh...like leggo my eggo, but different. and no, it doesn't rhyme. but it looks good...and that pleases me just as much. so what does it mean?...

i went to this lego robotics kick off event saturday. and holy moly macaroni!!! (this was my favorite saying as a kid) the possibilities...the experience...the practice...the exposure...the ability to integrate and affect and...in a word, it.blew.my.mind. and there are so many things I'D like to do with it. i mean, with an opportunity like that, i could really make things happen. it's all so laid out for me...so well supported...so many resources ready to help me change the world...

oh wait...this is not for me. this is for the five teenage and pre-teenage boys i'm, you know, coaching...in the loosest sense of the word. i'm facilitating, guiding, supporting, cheering on, channeling at my most productive because energy from young men at this age...i'm telling you, it could level a small town if it isn't properly channeled. (and i happen to live in a small town, so you understand the importance of channeling...)

so as all this was coming together in my head, lego my ego became the slogan. but i have to admit that at this point in my life, lego is not the only time my ego becomes apparent and problematic. well, problematic in the sense that as i become aware of it, i kind of find it a problem how much it's running things. it is certainly humbling... but i have not practiced this enough to really know what i'm talking about...just feel it a little. still, i had to write the lego my ego post before i forgot all about it and it was lost beneath the feathers of my discarded or untended thoughts...

i also want to post some words of others than i've been rolling around in those feathers in my head, and also in my heart lately...all music, of course.

"You know, me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is I keep fucking up."

"I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. I guess I could've made it easier on myself. But I could never follow."

"I've never seemed to do it like anybody else."

"The wood is tired. And the wood is old. And we'll make it fine, if the weather holds. But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point. And that's where I need to go."

that last line has been getting me so hard lately...alternately lifting me up and making me cry. and the line before...same thing. like annie says about a friend of hers over dinner, i'm a little erratic these days.

last night's concert was wonderful. it was such a small, friendly church. we all had a really good time. and i am again grateful to be able to be a part of these women's lives...they have been so welcoming and kind, generous. and they're all so wonderful. it makes me appreciative of all the women who have become a part of my life and allowed me to become a part of theirs. i mean, the men are cool, too...they really are...but there's something about sisters...

i'll have to work more on this ego thing...if you've gotten this far and you feel so inclined...tell me what ego means to you. i'm a word whore, so the more ways i see something expressed in writing, the more i understand what it is or isn't to me...unless you think whores or bad...then you might not want to encourage me in this hobby... ;)
peace

--had to come back to add--

ps--my friend jen has lots of cool, good luck/good karma kind of things happen to her. and i know sometimes it truly is a matter of quantity of nice things happening...but sometimes it can be a matter of awareness of those nice things happening to a person. sooooo... today, i'm on the phone with my sister and i decide to run the trash can down to the street for trash pick up. as i walk outside, the trash man is driving his truck out of my culdesac, and i mean fast... but he sees me, backs the truck up, takes the trash can from me, wheels it to the side of the truck so the truck can do its thing, then introduces himself to me, asks my name, and gives me back my now empty trash can. cool, huh?

he then followed me up my driveway to offer to take the broken television waiting to be properly disposed of at the top of it...and i admit that kind of seemed a bit like overkill to me...but i told him my husband was taking care of that and thanks. so...i know if i write this down, my chances of actually remembering it will increase. and i did think it was pretty darn cool of him to back his truck up to get my trash...'specially since he seemed in such a big hurry and all... :)

also...culturally defining movies. when we had our friends sleeping over the other night, everyone got to see the wizard of oz for the first time. (everyone but oldest, who was so terrified of the flying monkeys he hadn't seen it in ten years) then today, my kids watched the outsiders. and i was a little worried about them watching that, so i sat and watched it with them. aside from being weird seeing patrick swayze, c. thomas howell, ralph macchio, matt dillon, rob lowe, tom cruise, and emilio estevez sooooooooo long ago...it really was a good choice for them. littlest played with his piano book through most of it, but the whole "three brothers on their own...being the kind of greasers who cry...tough enough to kick ass but kind enough to take care of each other" was a cool thing for this family of four brothers... good for them to know i'm not just making shit up and trying to turn them into pansies.

ok, i am really done for the day. i swear.