nudges

sometimes i feel like i am groping along, in the dark, trying to find my way...trying to be brave and willing to move forward a little, even though i probably spend a lot of time in one spot. and then, something happens, and the metaphorical hand comes out of nowhere, grabs mine, and all of a sudden, i'm not so alone...my heart steadies, my head stops hurting and trying to project itself forward, i can rest where i am, move forward a little more naturally, and not be so damned afraid.

there are many things that have been that hand in my life. certainly family, friends, people i've crossed paths with, shared space with...some for not too long, others much longer. my cyber-mama tribe, definitely. music. books.

last week, i picked up grace (eventually) by anne lamott. i have read every one of anne lamott's books, seen her in person, listened to her give lectures. i was not too far away from becoming an anne lamott stalker the first year i started reading her...she was one of my best friends, she just didn't know it yet. and i guess she still doesn't know it...but i do like her tremendously.

i harvested some quotes from her essay nudges. it's the first essay in the section forgivishness. the quote on the divider page for forgivishness is by sally kempton, "It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." this whole section is like a salve to me....

"If my heart were a garden, it would be in bloom with roses and wrinkly Indian poppies and wild flowers. There would be two unmarked tracts of scorched earth, and scattered headstones covered with weeds and ivy and moss, a functioning compost pile, great tangles of blackberry bushes, and some piles of trash I've meant to haul away for years."

"My friend Father Tom says that when we appear before God, God will say, 'I love you very much. I forgive you all your crap. Now go clean up you mess, and then come into heaven, because lunch is waiting.'"

"They were spiritual in the same way I was and am, which is to say devout, with a sometimes bad attitude, a black sense of humor, and tendencies toward gossip and character assassination. We hit it off instantly."

"Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I've had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn't mean there's less for me. In fact, I know that there isn't even a pie, that there's plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.

But I don't believe it for a second.

I secretly believe there's a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing a fork."

"I did not explain or justify my triggers--the jealousy, especially, because trigger implies weapons, weapons imply aim, aim implies combat, combat implies engagement. All I wanted was to feel less engaged, less stuck: I wanted to let it go, which is so not my strong suit, any more than forgiveness is. I wanted to be a person of peace, who diminishes hurt in the world, instead of perpetrating it.

But I felt scared. Will they write back, and what will they write, and what if they don't? What if they're reading my letter out loud and snickering, or reading it to their friends from the picnic, and they're all comparing notes on how crazy I am? Maybe they forgive me, maybe they don't. But I finally, finally forgive me; sort of-ish. No curtain of light or soft angel voices, but the understanding that forgiving myself makes it possible to forgive them, too. Maybe this is grace, or simply the passage of time. Whatever you want to call this, I'll take it. I paid through the nose for this one."

peace

loved and chosen

while we were on vacation, my 22 year old nephew and my sil (his mother) had an argument. to be honest, they had a couple of arguments. the first one, i told him i thought that was enough, he'd made his point, and did he think he could stop himself. no, he didn't ask me if i thought it was enough, but i figure if i have to hear him tear his mom down for awhile, then he can hear my unsolicited opinion on it. i mean, it is family vacation after all, and, well, that's part of it... i don't like to hear unsolicited opinions, so i don't attack folks in crowded rooms. i mostly only ever attack my spouse and i save that for private moments...makes it more special. but i digress....

the second argument they shared with everyone...hehe...i'm being a little jerky here, but i love these people dearly, so it's not as awful as it sounds. anyway, the second argument they had that we got drawn into by being there, i realized how hard it is for my nephew to be with this whole family...how insecure he feels, how judged, how less than everyone else, how other. and as an adult, well, as an older adult, i know he chooses some of this, alienates himself, whatever. but that mattered to me less than how he felt. so i told him that i was proud of him for coming on vacation with everyone...for choosing to come. and that's all i said.

apparently, my sil heard me. and today, she wanted me to know that her the-rapist told her he was proud of her for letting her son, my nephew, go with them on vacation. that her son doesn't always make good decisions and has made life difficult for them, so the-rapist was applauding them for letting him come. she compared that to me telling my nephew i was proud of him for coming. i told her i was glad her the-rapist told her that and left it there.

later, i felt kind of pissy about it. i wasn't making a negative comment about her when i told my nephew i was proud of him for coming. i was supporting him. and she has a the-rapist to tell her "good job" when she needs to hear it. now, granted, my nephew wouldn't go to therapy even if you offered him money, but i think it's okay for him to hear "good job" once and awhile...even if he does still make mostly crappy decisions...which i don't know that he does or doesn't...just if. (see how good i am at playing defense in my own mind?)

then i picked up anne lamott and read through the quotes i've underlined lately...and here's a passage from an essay called wailing wall...it takes place in her sunday school class with three to six year olds...

Next, as always, we did Loved and Chosen.

I sat on the couch and glanced slowly around in a goofy, menacing way, and then said, "Is anyone here wearing a blue sweatshirt with Pokemon on it?" The four-year old looked down at his chest, astonished to discover that he matched this description--like, What are the odds? He raised his hand. "Come over here on the couch, " I said. "You are so loved, and so chosen." He clutched at himself like a beauty pageant finalist. Then I asked if anyone that day was wearing green socks with brown shoes, a Giants cap, an argyle vest. Each of them turned out to be loved and chosen, which does not happen so often. Even Neshama--Anyone in red shoes today?--leapt toward the couch with relief.

My Jesuit friend Tom once told me that this is a good exercise because in truth, everyone is loved and chosen, even Dick Cheney, even Saddam Hussein. That God loves them, because God loves.

"This--more than anything else--does not make sense to me," I said.

"Because you are a little angry," Tom explained. "But when people die, they are forgiven and welcomed home. Then God will help them figure out how to clean up the disgusting messes they have made. God has skills and ideas on how to do this."

i don't know about having to die to be forgiven and welcomed, but the rest of it made me smile and feel all warm inside...i am happy to know the tiny aerobics instructor is loved and chosen (my sil)...and the tall, dark headed guy who always wears suspenders is loved and chosen too...and i'm hoping the plain blonde who thinks too much and gets overly defensive in her head is loved and chosen, too...and everyone else.

so my kids are outside playing in the blow up pool from two summers ago. it's kind of deflate-y, but they're still having a great time. ahhh, i just heard the bathroom door shut, so i believe there are probably some grassy kids climbing into my tub to warm up and clean up...spring is here. it just springs hot enough in texas to play in the water. happy days!

peace

more from the heart

getting on the treadmill is one of the best things i do for myself, i think. and not just for the physical body that carries me around in a day, although she definitely appreciates it. but it's also great for the spirit inside the body... i guess, more accurately, it's one of the best places for them to meet and work together...well, if i don't push too hard. and after a month of not being on the treadmill, i wasn't looking to push too hard tonight.

i listened to the indigo girls tonight...1200 curfews. there's a song on there that i don't think they wrote, although the site i usually pull lyrics from is on sabbatical (which, as pete seeger says, will probably turn into a mondical and a tuesdical....). the song is called thin line and here's the best i can remember...

i thought the time was passed
for when i could find beauty in the world
i set the stage and the scenery
rehearsing every word

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

with my confidence on fire
i set to fixing up my role
my separation of desires
just left me deeper in the hole

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

now i'm trying to get back
what i know that i should be
hoping to god (oh, i was hoping i was just)
a temporary absentee

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

oh yeah, alright...

and without lifeblood.net, that's the best i can do.

this song strikes a chord with me...it always has. the chorus has always stood out, but the verses tonight were really clear as i ran, too. i have still been thinking about that diamond heart. i was talking to my friend lana last night, and the idea of a diamond core that can withstand all the things i'm so worried will shatter me came about. how i try to put this crappy armor around it, that is not meant to be there, and is not truly part of that core, and is easily injured, knocked down, defeated...but there i go, scurrying around trying to replace each lost piece with something else...all in the name of defense...trying to avoid pain...but stressed out the whole time because, if you had parents who spanked when you were a child...especially parents who used things like belts to spank with and were kind of ceremonious about it, like had you lay across a bed with your pants down, the damned anticipation of the blow can wreck you far more than the actual blow.

so, as i was running, i was trying to define some of these pieces of armor i attach to myself to try to ward off pain. what exactly are they? i didn't really come up with anything specific, but it made me think of an essay my friend patsy wrote when she was in college. she wrote an analogy between her life and a tapestry...yeah, like carole king. but patsy's essay was beautiful. she gave the colors of her tapestry feelings, emotions...loyalty, fear, love...all woven into the life that was hers. it was a long time ago, and that really is about all i remember of it, but it was beautiful, i do remember that.

i don't know exactly which parts of me are part of the core or not. i assume whatever part of me is compelled to construct these defenses is also a part of the core, so i don't know that any of it is "not real", if that makes sense. it's all me, i realize. (or i think i realize...i'm obviously making this up as i go...) but i did figure out this...there are times that i act as a friend out of a need to protect myself from the truth that i cannot be a perfect friend. that i am afraid of falling short, so i do things "to save my own ass." and as horrified as i might feel to realize it (and no, it's not the first time i've ever had this realization about myself), i have to know that those who love me either have no clue about this and will be repulsed when they find out (this is fear talking) or they probably already know i'm imperfect and are tired of having to avert their eyes kindly when my human hangs out (this is optimistically in the middle, i think).

this realization came, in part, because i try to give others permission to be human. i have always been the person that said "it's okay to fuck up...i'll still love you" because i do truly believe that we need love most when we least deserve it. (whatever deserve means...that's one i try to stay away from, but it's a quote, so i used it) but the realization came more fully because i have learned, over time, that i have limits. i have times that i have to step back and not be the one to give love...maybe just be the one to pray for peace...because my human can't stretch enough to be the lover, just the prayer. and in accepting this limit of mine, i have begun to see my own humanity a little more fully. and it occurred to me tonight, that in accepting myself more, in finding my core, letting her stand, that i am probably a better friend for it. i may not be as accommodating or outright supportive, but i am still loyal and passionate and believe deeply in each of us...i guess because like anne lamott said in those quotes i posted last night, we're each a mosaic tile of the One. and like alice walker said, but i'm going to paraphrase, we have to see ourselves reflected in each other...even those we don't think we're like or don't want to believe we even could be like.

ok...i anticipate more verbal vomiting along these lines...and while it feels weird to post something so raw, this is important stuff for me to work through. and after slogging through today, it feels so clean to be able to get a little of it out.

why don't i remember how good running is for me?...
peace

listening to your heart

this is a long one...

so here's today's nelson mandela quote

We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.

i really like that one.

yesterday, as i was driving around after i realized i was not going to be counseled, i was thinking about the things i was hoping to talk to the-rapist about. mostly, like i said, i was looking for communication help... i have realized how defensive i get when i am communicating with, oh, say, my spouse or someone like that...snort. so while i was driving, i was thinking, as i have been often lately, about what, exactly, i am defending. it seems like sometimes i am defending things that later turn out to be, oh, what's the word? stupid? unnecessary? kind of ridiculous? or at the very least not near worth the battle i was putting up defending them...

i've been playing with this idea for awhile...and it was in eldest a little, too. eragon can't open his mind to perceive the presence, and yes, potential malice, of those around him if he keeps his mind shut against everyone and everything to protect it. anyway...the image of a self inside, a self that was strong, which morphed into a diamond self came into my mind. which, of course, reminded me of the essay called diamond heart by anne lamott. (following me here?...hehe)

so here are the parts i liked a lot from diamond heart. i admit i was not a close cropper in harvesting these quotes...the essay kind of rambles, which is how i am feeling right now...this is an essay about her son, sam, who is a teenager...

I rest in silence and music and long strides, while Sam rests in noise and motion.

When he was two, being awful and destructive on every level of his pitiful, loathsome, poopy existence, I told my friend Pammy, calmly, "He's a bad person. He's already ruined."
Pammy said something that I have clung to like the last heel of bread: "Sam has a deep core of sweetness within him." She was right. He's deeply compassionate, and fair, but he also loves knives, and air-soft guns, and paintball guns, and Ninja blades, and violence.

He exerts tremendous energy, and it builds up and he sends it forth with his tools, his swords. It's art, it's an installation, it's the American way: "We're big and strong and male, and this thing is about to get seriously small, and be in shreds, because I am about to heavily fuck with it." He finds where something has a weak spot, picks up a branch, and jabs it, like a physical yell.

He is an exact person, as we all are, even though I sense that there is only one of us, that we are mosaic chips of that One.

My friend said our hearts are like diamonds because they have the capacity to express divine light, which is love; we not only are portals for this love, but are made of it. She said we are made of light, our hearts faceted and shining, and I believe this, to a point: I disagree with her saying we are beings of light wrapped in bodies that merely seem dense and ponderous, yet actually are made of atoms and molecules, with infinite space and light between them. It must be easy for her to believe this, as she is thin, and does not have children. But I can meet her halfway: I think we are diamond hearts, wrapped in meatballs.

You have to contain children, or you ruin them, and no one will ever want you to come visit. But children go ballistic when their unfettered spirits feel constricted and picked on by horrible you. They like you less, but if you don't do it, they feel wounded.

It's a mixed grill of sweet and nourishing and intolerable, like life. You and your bright, bonny child walk hand in hand to the park, and then, while sitting on a bench, you see his delight in hurting another kid. Kids go right for the vulnerability in other kids, ganging up on the weakest, ditching, or snatching things away. Life is not what one had in mind. It's punishing. It makes you want to punish back.

Maybe this is what grace is, the unseen sounds that make you look up.

Without all the shade and shadows, you'd miss the beauty of the veil. The shadow is always there, and if you don't remember it, when it falls on you and your life again, you're plunged into darkness. Shadows make the light show. Without shadows, we'd see only what a friend of mine refers to as "all that goddamn light."

i like that. it makes my image all the better...because i didn't want to focus on the hardness of diamonds in my mind's eye. the portals for light was a great addition, a much needed facet. i was going to write a post today called the presents of presence and talk about how all of these great people wash through my day in ways i'm sure they have no idea they've left themselves. phrases i use, a phone call made, an email, too many ways to name. but then anne lamott dropped by my mind in a diamond image and, well, the image became clearer.

it doesn't mean i don't still have instincts to defend myself...i do. but i just think, "how silly...what i defend is a lot stronger than what i have to defend it with...so what am i accomplishing exactly?"
peace

wanna read a really good essay?

it's an anne lamott essay i found while i was searching for something for mama beth in my cyber tribe. i didn't find exactly what i was looking for...i found something better...

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/lamo/1999/04/01/01lamo/

peace

pity party, sort of

anne lamott refers to herself in an essay as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. this is a phrase that, for whatever reason, has stuck with me since the moment i read it. anne lamott also calls the negative voices that play over and over in her head, some times more loudly than others, kfkd radio, which stands for k-fucked radio. this also rang a bell for me. my friend denise says i also picked up the phrase mindfucked from annie, which may or may not be true...i've been an anne lamott junky for over five years now...but it does make me want to go back and read and see if annie agrees with me or spell check on whether mindfucked is one word. (although i suppose if i read it in her book, i'd be spelling it the way i read it, huh?...which may support denise's theory...hrm...)

so this is kind of how i felt yesterday. and believe me, i usually have much sympathy for those who must suffer me at these times. but something was different yesterday. as i've learned to observe my emotions and not become them, i've also found that sometimes i must suffer through my own bad mood as well. not just inflict it, because it is not always my choice. i did use to feel like i was somehow putting these folks through my mood, forcing them to endure my negative presence or something. but now that i am not, in fact, my mood, sometimes i suffer a bad mood. and it allows me to be glad as hell when it's over, instead of embarrassed or sorry or ashamed or looking for forgiveness or whatever bullshit i was, in fact, inflicting upon myself, albeit unawares.

this does not, however, turn off kfkd radio. it still plays. but it kind of makes me laugh a little. i mean, kfkd is crazy negative. for me, kfkd says everything that happens is bad because i am bad. in the "right" mood...i can believe i stub my toe because i suck and therefore deserved it. like somehow the magnetic fields of the earth are picking up on how much i suck...like sucking is a metal maybe? i'll stop there. anyway...instead of making me want to cry or want to drive my car off a bridge, it kind of made me laugh today, because it really was a bit over the top...i mean really, where do i come up with this stuff? and did i always used to buy into it? believe it? why didn't it ever strike me as kind of nutty before? i dunno....

i don't know what these things mean or where exactly they lead to. but it was fun to not be the donkey at the party, with everyone out to impale me with something...well, i kind of felt like i still was the donkey a little, but this time i had a faded party hat on and a glass of watered down punch.
peace

lego my ego

this title makes me laugh...like leggo my eggo, but different. and no, it doesn't rhyme. but it looks good...and that pleases me just as much. so what does it mean?...

i went to this lego robotics kick off event saturday. and holy moly macaroni!!! (this was my favorite saying as a kid) the possibilities...the experience...the practice...the exposure...the ability to integrate and affect and...in a word, it.blew.my.mind. and there are so many things I'D like to do with it. i mean, with an opportunity like that, i could really make things happen. it's all so laid out for me...so well supported...so many resources ready to help me change the world...

oh wait...this is not for me. this is for the five teenage and pre-teenage boys i'm, you know, coaching...in the loosest sense of the word. i'm facilitating, guiding, supporting, cheering on, channeling at my most productive because energy from young men at this age...i'm telling you, it could level a small town if it isn't properly channeled. (and i happen to live in a small town, so you understand the importance of channeling...)

so as all this was coming together in my head, lego my ego became the slogan. but i have to admit that at this point in my life, lego is not the only time my ego becomes apparent and problematic. well, problematic in the sense that as i become aware of it, i kind of find it a problem how much it's running things. it is certainly humbling... but i have not practiced this enough to really know what i'm talking about...just feel it a little. still, i had to write the lego my ego post before i forgot all about it and it was lost beneath the feathers of my discarded or untended thoughts...

i also want to post some words of others than i've been rolling around in those feathers in my head, and also in my heart lately...all music, of course.

"You know, me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is I keep fucking up."

"I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. I guess I could've made it easier on myself. But I could never follow."

"I've never seemed to do it like anybody else."

"The wood is tired. And the wood is old. And we'll make it fine, if the weather holds. But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point. And that's where I need to go."

that last line has been getting me so hard lately...alternately lifting me up and making me cry. and the line before...same thing. like annie says about a friend of hers over dinner, i'm a little erratic these days.

last night's concert was wonderful. it was such a small, friendly church. we all had a really good time. and i am again grateful to be able to be a part of these women's lives...they have been so welcoming and kind, generous. and they're all so wonderful. it makes me appreciative of all the women who have become a part of my life and allowed me to become a part of theirs. i mean, the men are cool, too...they really are...but there's something about sisters...

i'll have to work more on this ego thing...if you've gotten this far and you feel so inclined...tell me what ego means to you. i'm a word whore, so the more ways i see something expressed in writing, the more i understand what it is or isn't to me...unless you think whores or bad...then you might not want to encourage me in this hobby... ;)
peace

--had to come back to add--

ps--my friend jen has lots of cool, good luck/good karma kind of things happen to her. and i know sometimes it truly is a matter of quantity of nice things happening...but sometimes it can be a matter of awareness of those nice things happening to a person. sooooo... today, i'm on the phone with my sister and i decide to run the trash can down to the street for trash pick up. as i walk outside, the trash man is driving his truck out of my culdesac, and i mean fast... but he sees me, backs the truck up, takes the trash can from me, wheels it to the side of the truck so the truck can do its thing, then introduces himself to me, asks my name, and gives me back my now empty trash can. cool, huh?

he then followed me up my driveway to offer to take the broken television waiting to be properly disposed of at the top of it...and i admit that kind of seemed a bit like overkill to me...but i told him my husband was taking care of that and thanks. so...i know if i write this down, my chances of actually remembering it will increase. and i did think it was pretty darn cool of him to back his truck up to get my trash...'specially since he seemed in such a big hurry and all... :)

also...culturally defining movies. when we had our friends sleeping over the other night, everyone got to see the wizard of oz for the first time. (everyone but oldest, who was so terrified of the flying monkeys he hadn't seen it in ten years) then today, my kids watched the outsiders. and i was a little worried about them watching that, so i sat and watched it with them. aside from being weird seeing patrick swayze, c. thomas howell, ralph macchio, matt dillon, rob lowe, tom cruise, and emilio estevez sooooooooo long ago...it really was a good choice for them. littlest played with his piano book through most of it, but the whole "three brothers on their own...being the kind of greasers who cry...tough enough to kick ass but kind enough to take care of each other" was a cool thing for this family of four brothers... good for them to know i'm not just making shit up and trying to turn them into pansies.

ok, i am really done for the day. i swear.

kindness

today's been...emotional, i guess. but i still have things to get done, so i need to, you know, keep it together. (which is a great blog, by the way...beautiful, beautiful pictures of beautiful, beautiful children)

anne lamott has an essay in grace eventually called "the muddling glory of god." aside from being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, annie also was a bulimic. this essay is about her binging and getting through it or getting through the absolute craving to binge, i can't remember. (but still kind of like my whataburger deal yesterday, i guess) here are the passages i underlined...

But thinking of him [Jesus] reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. Only love would; only my own imperfect love would.

It is hard to remember that you are a cherished spiritual being when you're burping up apple fritters and Cheetos.

My pastor, Veronica, says that believing isn't the hard part; waiting on God is. So I stuck with it and prayed impatiently for patience, and to stop feeling disgusted by myself, and to believe for a few moments that God, just a bit busy with other suffering in the world, actually cared about one menopausal white woman on a binge.

..and respond to myself as gently as I would to you; this is all I am ever really hungry for.

there were a few other passages, but i'm going to stop with this last line. because i am going to be gentle and kind with myself today...as gentle and kind as i would be with someone i love.

running on the treadmill yesterday, even though i am a bit sore today, was really a very gentle experience. being present, being focused, being centered...whatever i end up calling it (because i really do need to think of a word)...is really a more natural state of mind for me. not a habitual one just yet, i admit. but a more natural one. for me.

i have watched people this week be just as stuck being them as i feel stuck being me...those things that we ccan't change, no matter how hard we try, even when they don't really "work" for us. reiki says they are things we aren't able to let go of yet, because they are not finished teaching us our lessons. i can buy that. (as long as i'm not the only one with lessons on the planner...) *smile*
peace

pphbbtht

or something like that...

i was going to post an excerpt from an anne lamott story called "mountain birthday." but it's in traveling mercies, and out of all my anne lamott books, that's the one i have the hardest time finding....because i either take it somewhere weird to read or i lend it out and have to go get a new copy. so i'm going to put in these lines i've underline from a story called "kookaburra" from her newest book, grace eventually...

I've always believed that there was a certain age after which I would be all well and I'd stop feeling as if I'd been abandoned here on earth with no explanation.

The gist of the story is that faith and grace will not look as they do in Bible stories, will not involve angels, flames, or harps. Disaster usually happens for me when everything I have counted on has stopped working, including all of my best skills, intentions, and good ideas. I overreact or shut down, then torture myself about what a fraud I am, like Kookaburra's bitter aunt Esther, in the branches of the old gum tree, pretending to sing the laughing song of the other but privately stewing. Usually there is something I can't climb over, all the tools and stepladders have broken, and no one is around to give me a leg up. No one comes along to say, "I'll haul you up, little lady." Some pitiful thing appears or occurs, entirely inadequate to help shift this grim situation, and it can't possibly be enough, but then it is.

If God has all the power and I've bravely shined so many flashlights into these dark corners, why doesn't God let me get well?

Finally I thought of one true thing, which is that sometimes I act just as juvenile as I ever did, but as I get older, I do it for shorter periods of time.

She did not say much, but let me get my guck into the air, so it was no longer in the anaerobic rat chamber of my mind. And as I told her my bleak and embarrassing story, it felt like dirty clothes. I'd been trying to wash and dry it inside myself, in my embarrassed mind, which doesn't really make much sense, laundry-wise. When you hang things outside, they get air, warmth, light; and you see that even with the stains and frayed collar, the garment has kept you covered and warm for a long time.

i am guessing those lines come across as rather disjointed if you've never read the story. it's a story about faith fair, an event she leads at her church, and the year she was offended and slightly enraged and motivated to get a little nasty in email when she was asked to provide receipts for the things she'd purchased. it's quite a hilarious story that leads me down a path to a truth in myself, yet does it in a way that i can actually look at myself and stand it.

well, THEN i was going to post an indigo girls video of a song called all that we let in...but i couldn't find a video...so here are the lyrics...

Oooooooo
Oooooooo
Oooooooo

Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it's sticking to your skin
But we're better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single centerline
And the brutal crossing over when it's time

Oooooooo
(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo
(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo
(We're better off for all that we let in)

One day those toughies will be withered up and bent
The father son the holy warriors and the president
With glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see
Beaten into submission in the name of the free

We're in a revolution I have heard it said
Everyone's so busy now but do we move ahead
The planets hurting and atoms splitting
And a sweater for your love you sit there knitting

Oooooooo
(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo
(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo
(We're better off for all that we let in)

See those crosses on the side of the road
Tied with ribbons in the medium
They make me grateful I can go this far
Lay me down and never wake me up again

Kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck
We don't believe in war and we don't believe in luck
The birds were calling to her what were they saying
As the gate blew open the tops of the trees were swaying

I've passed the cemetery walk my dog down there
I read the names in stone and say a silent prayer
When I get home you're cooking supper on the stove
And the greatest gift of life is to know love

Oooooooo
(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo
(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo
(We're better off for all that we let in)

so there...that's mostly what i was wanting to say today. (and for the record, i think those oooo's at the beginning of the song really set it up well...hehe...why would they add that? in case you don't know what she's saying?...)

i will be out of town today and not back until late tonight. then tomorrow, i've invited a group of mamas over in the evening... yeah, yeah, left foot, right foot...peace

bloggity blog blog

blogging is a funny thing...more public than a journal, but also a lot more easily edited. although i think that editing thing is a kind of myth for me because i never go back and edit my stuff. i mean, i do edit things as i type, but i never go back and rework stuff, which is something i thought i'd do, but i guess not...

when i started out blogging, my intent was to keep it anonymous, so that i could really just let fly and no one would know who i was, so there would be no accountability...well, at least not directly. (eyebrows rising up and down at the devilish brilliance of the plan...) but, like all well-laid plans, it didn't work out like that....so then i shared my blog with a few close friends and a group of mamas i've come to love. and now it's just this place where i put little pieces of myself, either because i want to save them or because i need to get them the hell out....maybe because they're funny or i want some help or i like you tube...whichever...

it's funny the times someone i know has read my blog and called or emailed, worried. but i'm cheering at a soccer practice. or making dinner, or something. surprising sometimes the things we can feel and think and work through and still move forward, isn't it? but it's a snapshot and there's always a bigger picture that you just can't capture in a few paragraphs (or even more). and while i do struggle sometimes with how someone i know might read my words, i push myself to maintain my integrity...and be true to myself...keep plugging forward.

sometimes i feel like i sound so self-centered in my blog. but i dump a lot of stuff here so that i can get on with my life that is quite centered in service to my family. it's kind of a to-do list in constant progress...to be inspired, to be reminded, to be re-focused, to be re-liberated, to remember (which is different from being reminded, so i included it).

anyway, i guess i just had to get that out... in light of my messy, incomplete, fragmented blogging lately, i kind of needed to redefine this space for myself. here are some anne lamott quotes from "bird by bird" that explain what i think about writing...

We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in.

Truth seems to want expression. Unacknowledged truth saps your energy and keeps you and your characters wired and delusional. But when you open the closet door and let what was inside out, you can get a rush of liberation and even joy. If we can believe in the Gnostic gospel of Thomas, old Uncle Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth can destroy you."

so working toward awareness and honesty in my blog seems the right thing to do to me. there will also be stories about how that works with others, because, well, i'm surrounded by other folks. (not at this moment...right now i'm alone in my computer room listening to npr while i type...ahh, the calm is sweet...)
peace

cleaning up and resting

so my sister came to visit me. she brought my niece, punkin (aka pk), and we had a really nice evening. well, except for that part where she saw my gmail inbox and was appalled at the over 10,000 messages in my inbox. so she set out to clean out my gmail account, creating folders, labels, color-coordinating...she's all "computer science" like that... and i ran across this post on a yahoo group that dissolved a long time ago that made me smile. i was reading anne lamott's fiction book, joe jones, at the time and this passage had caught my attention...

"Left to its own devices, her mind is a fat hummingbird flitting
through leafy trees of anxiety, apology, sorrow, excuses, and dreams
of grandeur, dreams of humiliation. Sometimes she watches it run
off, and it makes her laugh and shake her head. It's like a video
game. Bright fast blips of worry and anger come at her, and after
fending them off, she's attacked by the huge lumbering
Czechoslovakian blobs of tiredness and broken-spiritedness which
break into smaller, faster missiles of regret when she fires at
them. What a half-baked species we are, she thinks, and does what
she can to make her insides more habitable."

it still makes me laugh. and i still believe annie wrote that whole book to put that hilarious and brilliant paragraph in...

also, i think we are all getting strep throat in my house. headaches, fever, sore throats, and eventually spots in throats. i'm amazed how everyone in my family, except my spouse, seems to be in some phase of this. ibuprofen, the new white meat...

cooperative efforts seem to be attracting cooperative folks...this boosters my confidence in the universe. as well as soothes some of my anxieties. because i've been taking some hits in the hsing front these days. marriage shifts and life shifts and hsing shifts have all converged for a huge upheaval this past week. i so appreciate the hands that kept me on my feet and the words that helped light up corners where the flame was getting a little weak. i am amazed by the wisdom that finds me and deems me worthy to share with, but then i have to remind myself that there is a certain wisdom in me to respect and embrace others, too. such a bunch of wise guys are we, eh?

ok, back to the resting part...
peace

learning to be a little more independent (sort of...)

i think when i doubt myself, i project that doubt on others...and it requires a lot of contact, reaffirmation, whatever to work through that doubt. realizing that has been powerful, but again, it's given me a level of responsibility i did not have before because i was not aware of it.

i receive a lot of support. i know that. it's just been the kind of month where you figure that out, i guess. and it takes confidence, or at least a level of acceptance, in myself to believe others are supporting me and not working against me or conspiring against me. (yeah, yeah, egomaniac with an inferiority complex, right annie?)

it also takes an awareness in what is motivating me and what i am doing to be able to accept that support from others...and then to reflect that support in common journeys and shared experiences...and individual hearts, too. but again, i have had to find at least some of the truth in myself before i can truly accept others' belief in me...and not be molded by their belief or dependent on that.

working through that and past that has required a lot of consciousness and awareness....and sometimes paranoia, or self-doubt, or just vanilla negativity slip in when you aren't looking and start hijacking or just fucking with the energy. alvin and the chipmunks in the background also increases the challenge.

but the rain today comforts and inspires me and i do still like this song...even though i'm only now really beginning to learn how to dance to it.
peace

i want to post this video of anne lamott...if you've never see her or read her or met her, let me be the first to introduce you. the you tube pickings were slim for annie, but i do like a lot of what she says in this one...

sharing space

so, i shared some space wednesday night with anne lamott. not a very close space and there were many people sharing it with us, but it was still really cool. she's beautiful. in a white woman with dread locks kind of way. she could be my stepmom from the neck down. she was funny, and generous, and kind, and holy, and so, so normal. it was inspiring, really.

and the people watching was great. i kept looking around thinking, "so, this is what annie's other readers look like..." one woman had dread locks...i couldn't help but think, "come on sweetheart...find your own identity..." snort...i am a crazy one. but it was a beautiful crowd. mostly women. some husbands dragged along....made me think of when i drag N to indigo girls concerts and he's one of two straight men in the whole concert. the women dressed differently, carried themselves differently, had on different jewelry which really becomes the stratifier in a socio-economic way...but they all had these great smiles on their faces. it was cool. i tried to remember to smile, too. it seemed required of annie's readers... :)

ok, i am swamped in the head, so i chose to write about the highlight of the week. i think it lacks feeling and that would be because my feeling is all bound up in about six different issues right now, only one of which lives directly in my house, but it's with the mister, so it's a big one. i am so glad i went to anne lamott's reading and book signing because i really needed something great to look back on that i was able to do alone, even when i really didn't want to go alone. hopefully, i'll find a little peace through some hard labor this weekend and won't be so emotion-tied next week.

peace

can i just say

that i love the last day of the month? when all the post titles get sucked up under and just turn into the month heading and i have a whole new month, completely blank underneath. (i am speaking of the lists on the side of the screen)

it's an interesting passage of time-o-meter.... when there's this long list over there, i'm thinking, "geez, just get the month over with already..." but that's kind of negative, i suppose. i should look at it as stuff i've worked through maybe...things that've happened, music i've listened to.

i am really enjoying my anne lamott book. and i'm looking forward to meeting her next month.

ok, that's all i got. i guess i'm just thunk out...ha!
peace

copping out, sort of

life can be difficult when you are an intuitive person. when your understanding of things comes in waves, shiftings of the energies in you, emotions following, peace landing. and then oftentimes, as soon as you try to put words to it, the ripples start and the image fades. it can be frustrating to say the least....

i believe it is best to try to find a peaceful solution. i believe in slogans like, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world" and "when the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace." i know these are not very strong sounding quotes, but TRY it...it requires a lot of strength to live this way. i think my sons think of them as kind of feminine, but i know my husband lives them as well, so maybe not.

when trying to explain my feelings about peace, though, i often get clouded with wanting to change the other person's perspective, or, just wanting to be right. even though i know it isn't productive or even respectful of the other person. i just believe so deeply in peace that i have a hard time understanding how others might not feel that way...which i DO understand, really, i do. i even understand that the other person feels just as strongly in their beliefs, and i honestly have no desire to hurt or be disrespectful to anyone...i really do know these things....just not in that moment, you know?

because i am not perfect. i often get angry and often say angry things. i am full of a tension right now as my body struggles to find a balance between my needs and the needs i am responsible for fulfilling in others...either because i took on that responsibility or because, get this, i WANT to be responsible for them. (yeah, i have not seen my the-rapist in over two weeks)

so here's my cop out. i've been thinking a lot about these feelings of mine...the core ones and then all the others that get so wrapped around them and make it hard for me to remember what the hell even started this line of thinking?... so i read last night. yeah, big surprise, i read some of anne lamott's new book, grace eventually. there have been some essays i really, really enjoyed in there. but one of the ones i read last night, i knew i had read before, even though i forgot how amazing it was. so i'm going to post a link to it here. if you're interested, check it out. it's a great story and it speaks a lot to what i think i'd say if i ever could get the words to come out clearly.

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/lamott/2005/12/05/carpet_guy/index.html

we have a sort of busy day today. i hope to get a number of things done this week. i think it would really help me to lighten up some if i could...so i will.
peace

ps--oh, and happy birthday to my father in law! he's going home from the hospital today...quite a gift, hey? well, that and that whole surviving his heart attack last week.... he is a beautiful, wonderful man and it is greatly appropriate that i would post about peace on his birthday (although i didn't exactly plan it this way, but it is serendipitous).

there is so much i want to say...

but it won't be today.

i'm recovering today. i'm sore, but it's surprisingly manageable. really, it's just my calves and my shins. the rest of my body...maybe it's still numb... :)

so i'm resting...doing a little looking up of stuff on the internet, reading some of the new anne lamott book i bought this weekend. (she's going to be signing her book at a barnes and nobles in austin next month....i almost peed myself....i'm gonna go SEE her....don't know if i'll talk to her, but i'm gonna SEE her....creepy, stalker-type laugh)

this whole experience brought me so much. talking about positive energy the past few weeks...i think moving forward for thirteen miles really shifts something internally in a very positive way. but i still need some time to process this.... but there is so much i want to write about it. just so i don't forget it. (well, until next november, when i run the san antonio half marathon because i'm all addicted like that now...)

peace