playing

i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?
peace

quick check in

i am not exactly "back," but i can feel some rhythm coming back into things...thank god.

i want to post this quote in the book i just started...

Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way--this is not easy.
--Aristotle

yeah, that's pretty much about it...

well, and then this other quote in the book i just finished, i know this much is true, by wally lamb. man, that was a long book...almost nine hundred pages. and i don't know that what he said could have been said in less. but it was painful stuff at times...so, so much like life. pretty much, this book was like counseling...not the kind that leaves you feeling validated and lighter, either...the kind that lets you know you still have a lot of work to do and yes, you will get around to it because it will just sit there, fucking everything up, until you do. so how's that for an endorsement? anyway, the quote...

..."That's the trouble with survival of the fittest, isn't it, Dominick? That corpse at your feet. That little inconvenience."

so, otherwise, i'm plunking along merrily...snort. hsing is happening. dh's vacation is almost over and he is almost back to work. (why is it that these times of "rest" always seem to set the agenda for the "work" to be done in the months ahead?...just wondering.) i DID get to hold my grand niece...yes, she's perfect. and her mama wears motherhood beautifully. papa does, too.
okay...i'm out of here.
peace

gentle morning

this has been an easy going morning. we each woke up on our own. i've made coffee, talked to my sister who was on her way to help my dad board up his house in anticipation of hurricane ike, caught up on email, eaten a little breakfast, hugged each of my children, talked to my niece who has the new baby, read blogs, visited the cyber tribe...

last night was a hard night for a little while. it's been awhile since i felt like i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing as a parent. and i was only there for an hour or so last night. (makes me cringe to remember how i used to spend days there...poor kiddos...poor mama.) but last night, my oldest was so angry. i mean, he'd been angry off and on throughout the day...i think i even blogged about it being kind of cute. but when they got home from rock climbing last night, he was just so pissed. i guess his younger brothers had been pretty loud in the car on the way home and it just set off something in him. he wasn't really sure what it was, either. he just said we had too many people in our house. which i understand...i feel the same way at times. it just gets too loud and i can't think straight...i get a headache. but i pointed out to eldest that he was the only person in our house who had a room all to himself... he ended up taking a shower and eating some soup that dh had made for dinner and then going to bed. and he seems more himself today. i think he slept in a little. i've seen him smile some...

it's hard to watch him get so angry and seem so lost in that anger. i don't want him to feel alone, although i guess in some ways you have to be alone in anger...it's part of what defines it at times. and i think i make him angrier when i don't just leave him alone...sometimes. sigh...nothing's always, huh? it'd be easier if it was...but it's not.

my second born son is also entering his own pre-puberty/puberty is a-coming stage. i can see it in his eyes. i know he'll handle the rush of hormones and emotions differently from his big brother. i think sometimes that's his mission...to be different from his big brother. don't get me wrong, he's a beautiful child...and i sometimes feel myself pull away from him because he is so much like me...and it's beautiful to see me reflected in someone else and horrifying all at the same time. so i try to just focus on him...not the me-ness at all. and i guess this is a motivating factor in all the ego contemplation lately.

whew, i have stopped and started this blog so many times, i'm just going to post it.
peace

angry

i am not "good" at being angry...whatever that means. i am not comfortable with it, so i am constantly uncomfortable with anger. unless i am able to be humorous about it, in which case it becomes mildly uncomfortable.

i have been really, really angry this past week.

when i center myself, bring myself back home and not working problems miles and miles away, it usually causes at least a small part of me to relax. and when that small part relaxes, a larger part of me usually follows...kind of a "oh, hey, that's what we're supposed to be doing" in the cells. once i feel some part of me do what i need to be doing, the rest of me is usually eager to follow. but that was not the case this week. that small part might relax a bit, but some part of me screams, "no! i'm not going to...you can't make me" and i am left absolutely perplexed but sure that it is through some terrible fault of my own character that i am suddenly unwilling to work with myself or cooperate with myself, which also makes me feel a bit crazy.

until i figured out, through many tears and much muddling about, that i am angry. and that i was not finished being angry.

what the hell am i so angry about? there are lots of things. i think the main issue centers on a friend of mine in a foreign country having a really hard time and all the things i think should've happened to help support her through a really difficult trip. and i have raged to that friend on the phone...(is cell phone service amazing or what?) i have cussed and cried and demanded and pleaded and curled my fists... but no matter what i do, it's not going to affect a damned thing. which is fine. i mean, yes, that is a huge source of my frustration, but not my anger. there are other issues pushing the anger button besides the helplessness of it all. i can't fix it. i can't fix it. i can't fix it... (three times, right lana?) i will still be her friend...i love her. and i will not dwell on failing her, because i can't fix it...if i could, i would. i know that. she knows that. i will not dwell and i will be her friend, probably a better friend for the not dwelling.

i am also angry because my sister was and i'm sure still is (although with all the crying and yelling i've done to her lately on the phone, she really hasn't mentioned it lately) hurting. i can't fix that either. but i do love her, too. (even though she'll probably roll her eyes when she reads this as well as want to kick my ass for even thinking i could fix it...)

there are many things that've gone on in the past week that i couldn't fix. i don't know where i got the big idea i could fix so much stuff to feel so disappointed that i couldn't...

but i'm not talking about disappointment...i'm talking about anger. mostly, i'm just angry because there are so many things i can't control. and since i convinced myself somewhere in my head that i did have control over these things, it's painful to tantrum over the realization that i'm not in control. i really was parenting the two year old inside of me...i held her...i told her it was okay to be pissed off and she really, really cried. but then it was a healing weekend. and i feel a little calmer. a little more relaxed.

last night, the realization hit me that i could get angry, or make mistakes, or act and not be able to control how people perceive my actions and get hurt, or worse yet, hurt someone else, and that i would still survive. it was a huge shift to realize that.

i will still survive.
i will still survive.
i will still survive.

imperfect, i will survive. (i have to admit that when i usually talk about imperfections in myself, i'm hoping for only slight ones...but it is occurring to me that i will continue to survive even with the huge, blaring, gaping imperfections that are me...and that is ok...) i will survive and learn to accept those things in myself and that will make it easier to accept them in others. because i am always trying to give that to others without giving it to myself, too, and i think that is another source of a lot of my frustration. because my ideals are not matching up in how i treat others and how i talk to myself. but i will keep working on it.

so my friend is coming home without her son. she will do some recovering, healing, some re-evaluating. maybe she'll go back, maybe she won't. i'm not in control of that, and i'm not altogether convinced she is either. although i know she is in control of certain aspects of that decision, she is not the sole-controller. (that makes me think of a discussion my in-laws were having this weekend over the remote control for the television...my bil calls it the "remote controller" and my sil says he is the "controller" of the "remote control"...it's kind of funny and barely relevant, but it made me think of it)

the homily yesterday was about the walk to ameus. meeting jesus on the road. father was translating that to our daily journey with what he kept calling "the risen christ" which i interpreted to mean god and what we've learned about god through the life of jesus, but it was a lot easier said as "the risen christ." father said we had to learn to make peace with our dark side to be able to walk honestly with the risen christ, to be able to offer ourselves honestly. man...that made some kind of sense to me, because life isn't all hearts and flowers...and once we learn to embrace the good with bad, then it is easier to be honest...at least this is what i'm thinking.

it was good church and i was glad i went. i was grateful for the people i shared good church with and i am grateful for the people i walk this journey with.

but i have more to do, so i need to get on it. these are things i don't look forward to because i still have some anger surrounding them, but i need to act as best i can through the anger. have some faith, in myself and in others.

i will still survive.

peace