chilling a little

on the hormone front, i mean...

when i get that way, all high school hormonal, it's kind of miserable, kind of ridiculous. i was telling someone about labor with my second born the other day...my stepmom was there for that one...and i was getting a little tired, a little fried, a little scattered, losing my focus. there were so many folks in the room and part of me, a big part of me, wanted one of them to do something to make this better. and my mom whispered in my ear, "you're the only one who can finish this." and like poof, everything came into focus, i got my energy centered in myself, and just pushed that baby boy right out. and that's kind of how i feel when i get all hormonal...like i'm waiting for someone else to make this better, fix this, smooth it out, hand me a beer, something... but then i remember that i'm the one who has to walk this journey. i don't walk it alone, but if i don't move my feet, no one else will. so i walk...

my mind is a loud place. i think, especially at my most hormonal, all.the.time. it's like the opposite of being lazy, but the same effect. it takes a lot of work for me to quiet my mind. kind of like it takes a lot of work to engage children. and when you feel lazy, and don't engage the kids, it gets really loud in the house. which is alright sometimes. it's just part of life. but maybe you start to figure out that the noise is about to drive you nutso and instead of intervening, being the adult and engaging the kids, you start yelling at the kids and making them responsible. (yeah, yeah, i know all about this pattern) well, that's how it is with my head. it gets loud in there sometimes. and like i said, when i am the most hormonal, it is like a zoo. i can't even think there's so much shit flying through there...most of it not coherent and almost all of it emotionally charged in some way but not making sense...it's kind of weird. so i have to stop being lazy and focus. i usually focus on my breathing first. and a voice in my head goes, "uh, what are we doing here? seriously? this is it? b..o...r...ing" and it's hard. but it's like when i was training for those half marathons, sometimes i just have to push through. it feels weird pushing through something as low-impact as quieting your mind and focusing on your breathing...i swear there are times i've broken a sweat on my lip with the effort. but just like when you can feel your legs getting stronger, your lungs carrying you further, i can feel when i'm getting more focus...less scattered...more centered and less fried.

so that's that. i'm staying busy. getting stuff done. laughing. schooling. cooking. (man, i've been in such a cooking/dietary slump lately...) and writing. i really missed blogging regularly. i must keep this up. now, if i could just get that treadmill back into my life....

peace

er, hello

sometimes, for whatever reason, i get so far into my own head that i barely recognize other people. ok, that's not exactly true. i do recognize them. i just don't always feel the need to engage them...or even acknowledge them. but i certainly don't want to be hurtful or rude. i'm just too far in my own thoughts.

that's how it's been lately. i read the twilight series, which kind of helped me get in my head. but i'm pretty sure i picked up the series because i knew that was where i was headed and i didn't want to struggle to get there.

it's hard to come out of these times. first of all, my house is usually a wreck after i've been not-so-highly-participatory in the world outside my head. and i'm usually really tired.

something that occurred to me last night is that these times usually come after i've spent a lot of time outside of my head...thinking about other people's stuff or anticipating other people's motivations, actions, meanings, purposes...working other people's problems...

it's weird to have the visual of my conscious mind like that little dangle-y thing angler fish have in front of them...connected to me by some small piece, but not really inside of me. and i know i do better when i relax and let it come back to me...quit putting it out there or giving it away...but it just seems to be a pattern of mine. and when it does come back to me, it's like it's on a bungy cord and it slams so hard into me that, well, i end up hibernating with it for a few days...not just unwilling to put it back out there, even a little, but unable.

i don't always understand my patterns better...but i am learning to surrender to some of them instead of trying to change them. and while that doesn't stop them or make them altogether easier to live through, it does seem to, if nothing else, let my body relax a little while i'm going through them...not fight them so much.

because i often feel like what i feel or what i think or what i have energy to do or don't have energy to do is directly related to, well, what i feel or what i think or what i've done...it's a weird cycle, and i'm in the center of it. but i have to let myself realize that i am not the only thing in control here. i have to allow myself to surrender some to the mystery. and as i accept more of the mystery, i learn to watch and learn from myself instead of always trying to change or improve myself. sometimes things may be alright, i just have to let go of my pessimistic or paranoid point of view.

i used to worry when i'd get too much in my head, i'd lose friends because they wouldn't understand...i mean, if you can't explain, how can they understand? i worried i'd offend or just be too "out there" for them to accept me when i returned. but now i see that we all have our patterns and that my friends are a lot more accepting of me than i give them credit for...than i allow them to be.

i'm not sure exactly what i'm saying here or where i'm headed with this. but i do feel my mind coming out just a little more and i thought i'd give myself a shot at blogging some of these thoughts...give myself a chance to see what's there right now.

also, i'm looking forward to the vice presidential debates tonight. my spouse has a blog he's requested i make concerning sarah palin, but i'd rather watch the debate first. and since i'm going out of town for the weekend--alone--i should probably use this returning focus of mine to work on leaving the males in my life with a little cleaner and more organized home.

peace out