Thursday, October 2, 2008

er, hello

sometimes, for whatever reason, i get so far into my own head that i barely recognize other people. ok, that's not exactly true. i do recognize them. i just don't always feel the need to engage them...or even acknowledge them. but i certainly don't want to be hurtful or rude. i'm just too far in my own thoughts.

that's how it's been lately. i read the twilight series, which kind of helped me get in my head. but i'm pretty sure i picked up the series because i knew that was where i was headed and i didn't want to struggle to get there.

it's hard to come out of these times. first of all, my house is usually a wreck after i've been not-so-highly-participatory in the world outside my head. and i'm usually really tired.

something that occurred to me last night is that these times usually come after i've spent a lot of time outside of my head...thinking about other people's stuff or anticipating other people's motivations, actions, meanings, purposes...working other people's problems...

it's weird to have the visual of my conscious mind like that little dangle-y thing angler fish have in front of them...connected to me by some small piece, but not really inside of me. and i know i do better when i relax and let it come back to me...quit putting it out there or giving it away...but it just seems to be a pattern of mine. and when it does come back to me, it's like it's on a bungy cord and it slams so hard into me that, well, i end up hibernating with it for a few days...not just unwilling to put it back out there, even a little, but unable.

i don't always understand my patterns better...but i am learning to surrender to some of them instead of trying to change them. and while that doesn't stop them or make them altogether easier to live through, it does seem to, if nothing else, let my body relax a little while i'm going through them...not fight them so much.

because i often feel like what i feel or what i think or what i have energy to do or don't have energy to do is directly related to, well, what i feel or what i think or what i've's a weird cycle, and i'm in the center of it. but i have to let myself realize that i am not the only thing in control here. i have to allow myself to surrender some to the mystery. and as i accept more of the mystery, i learn to watch and learn from myself instead of always trying to change or improve myself. sometimes things may be alright, i just have to let go of my pessimistic or paranoid point of view.

i used to worry when i'd get too much in my head, i'd lose friends because they wouldn't understand...i mean, if you can't explain, how can they understand? i worried i'd offend or just be too "out there" for them to accept me when i returned. but now i see that we all have our patterns and that my friends are a lot more accepting of me than i give them credit for...than i allow them to be.

i'm not sure exactly what i'm saying here or where i'm headed with this. but i do feel my mind coming out just a little more and i thought i'd give myself a shot at blogging some of these thoughts...give myself a chance to see what's there right now.

also, i'm looking forward to the vice presidential debates tonight. my spouse has a blog he's requested i make concerning sarah palin, but i'd rather watch the debate first. and since i'm going out of town for the weekend--alone--i should probably use this returning focus of mine to work on leaving the males in my life with a little cleaner and more organized home.

peace out

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