chilling a little

on the hormone front, i mean...

when i get that way, all high school hormonal, it's kind of miserable, kind of ridiculous. i was telling someone about labor with my second born the other day...my stepmom was there for that one...and i was getting a little tired, a little fried, a little scattered, losing my focus. there were so many folks in the room and part of me, a big part of me, wanted one of them to do something to make this better. and my mom whispered in my ear, "you're the only one who can finish this." and like poof, everything came into focus, i got my energy centered in myself, and just pushed that baby boy right out. and that's kind of how i feel when i get all hormonal...like i'm waiting for someone else to make this better, fix this, smooth it out, hand me a beer, something... but then i remember that i'm the one who has to walk this journey. i don't walk it alone, but if i don't move my feet, no one else will. so i walk...

my mind is a loud place. i think, especially at my most hormonal, all.the.time. it's like the opposite of being lazy, but the same effect. it takes a lot of work for me to quiet my mind. kind of like it takes a lot of work to engage children. and when you feel lazy, and don't engage the kids, it gets really loud in the house. which is alright sometimes. it's just part of life. but maybe you start to figure out that the noise is about to drive you nutso and instead of intervening, being the adult and engaging the kids, you start yelling at the kids and making them responsible. (yeah, yeah, i know all about this pattern) well, that's how it is with my head. it gets loud in there sometimes. and like i said, when i am the most hormonal, it is like a zoo. i can't even think there's so much shit flying through there...most of it not coherent and almost all of it emotionally charged in some way but not making sense...it's kind of weird. so i have to stop being lazy and focus. i usually focus on my breathing first. and a voice in my head goes, "uh, what are we doing here? seriously? this is it? b..o...r...ing" and it's hard. but it's like when i was training for those half marathons, sometimes i just have to push through. it feels weird pushing through something as low-impact as quieting your mind and focusing on your breathing...i swear there are times i've broken a sweat on my lip with the effort. but just like when you can feel your legs getting stronger, your lungs carrying you further, i can feel when i'm getting more focus...less scattered...more centered and less fried.

so that's that. i'm staying busy. getting stuff done. laughing. schooling. cooking. (man, i've been in such a cooking/dietary slump lately...) and writing. i really missed blogging regularly. i must keep this up. now, if i could just get that treadmill back into my life....

peace