ok, here's the deal

so, that post i made a couple of days ago about shifts...it was like the beginning of the long row of dominoes tumbling. there were more after that, but there is only so much you can capture with words at a time...only so much your brain can process as your perspective widens...only so much it can take in at once, i guess is more accurate.

what i realize is something like this...i birthed my kids, i've raised them...fed them, clothed them, watched them learn to button buttons, brush teeth, take steps, ride bikes (yes, my littlest did this last week and it is STILL my most favorite thing to watch them figure out in the world...srsly), all that stuff that they figure out in my presence...and i'll continue to be right alongside them, as much as they need me...this is my pledge in conceiving them, right? to be there as best i can when they need me...but they are their own people...period. always have been, haven't they?

see, when it takes awhile for you to figure out that these little folks are not, in fact, a representation of how you're doing in life...that their lives are not about you, but about them...well, it's one long "a-ha moment" and it leads to all these other realizations about other folks you didn't birth and your relationships with them...it gives everyone an independence that changes your concept of interdependence, but that's as clearly as i can state that, so i probably need a little more time on that concept. (you know, like a lifetime or something)

anyway...all of this to say, that i love my kids. i see them as individuals these days in a way i don't think i've ever managed before. but then i'm also reconnecting with and still interacting with all these other folks. and somewhere in all of this, i see that our relationships to each other, without our own personal judgments or whatever, are basically the same. where one of us succeeds, we all succeed. where one of us is healed, we all get healed. my ability to affect my kids may be a little greater because of proximity and trust built in a relationship that has spanned their entire lives, but i will not be the only relationship that affects them and i should not pretend my only responsibility is to them. we all affect each other. from the child i dropped off to volunteer for the first time today to the woman i almost hit as she pulled out of the parking lot on the street two blocks before the rock gym said child was volunteering at. we all affect each other. some we think about, plan, and try to control how we affect. some we never have a clue we even were a part of that life. and everything in between.

i don't know why this is so huge, but it has cracked my world open. (in a good way...or at least a way i am drawn into) i feel electric. and grateful. and tiny and powerful and lots of other things.

one other thing...we watched the last samurai with the kids last night and this morning. (started it last night, finished it this morning) i do not really like tom cruise, but i will say he was kind of perfect, in his little, arrogant, cockiness for playing the role of america in that movie. i'm a little torn about the violence in the movie, and my littles cover their heads during much of it, but i wonder how that stuff sounds when you aren't watching.... anyway, my oldest and i talked about the movie, as we were crying at the end...it's powerful stuff...power for the sake of power is a fucking powerful thing...big surprise. but strength for what you believe in...while it gets knocked down, assassinated, massacred again and again, cannot be crushed. and my oldest and i were both overcome with that realization, i think. i told him about obama's line in his inaugural address, "to those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents...You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you." it is a fine line between protecting ourselves from terrorists and becoming the very terrorists we seek to protect ourselves from. while i believe it is noble to defend innocents, i believe if we become the same as those we are defending ourselves from, we are no longer noble. and while some people feel being alive is the most important thing, this movie kind of took my teen and i to different paths of thinking in our conversation than we'd ever covered before. and it was emotional for us the whole time.

so, there's today's verbal vomit. i think as busy as i've been, i'm a little backlogged in processing through these thoughts. my dreams have become wild as my mind seeks to work stuff out. i must continue my campaign to get my ass on the treadmill.

but now i have some lego parts to research for my second born's robot he's building and some sheets to change on the beds my three youngest children have all decided to sleep in. it's amazing how they are all growing and progressing and changing and teaching me the whole while.

peace

good vs. evil

here are the quotes i harvested from eldest, the second in the eragon series by christopher paolini...

"Even though we're linked, I can never predict what she's going to do. The more I learn about her, the more I realize how different we are."
Then Oromis made his first statement that Eragon though was truly wise: "Those whom we love are often the most alien to us."

I understand that I forced a defenseless baby to pursue a certain destiny without even giving her a choice in the matter. Can someone be truly good if they never have the opportunity to act badly? I made her a slave.

"You confuse the issue. All I wanted to know was the most useful tool a person can have, regardless of whether that person is good or evil. I agree that it's important to be of a virtuous nature, but I would also contend that if you had to choose between giving a man a noble disposition or teaching him to think clearly, you'd do better to teach him to think clearly. Too many problems in this world are caused by men with noble dispositions and clouded minds.
"History provides us with numerous examples of people who were convinced they were doing the right thing and committed terrible crimes because of it. Keep in mind, Eragon, that no one thinks of himself as a villain, and few make decisions they think are wrong. A person may dislike his choice, but he will stand by it because, even in the worst circumstances, he believes that it was the best option available to him at the time.
"On its own, being a decent person is no guarantee that you will act well, which brings us back to the one protection we have against demagogues, tricksters, and the madness of crowds, and our surest guide through the uncertain shoals of life: clear and reasoned thinking. Logic will never fail you, unless you're unaware of--or deliberately ignore--the consequences of your deeds." [fyi, the question was what is the most important mental tool a person can possess]

i really, really liked that last one. i was driving around the other day, talking to my eldest about this series, and comparing it to star wars. how evil is always so much stronger than good in a almost every battle...it's like whoever represents good is usually lucky to escape alive...hand to hand, evil is so powerful. but i guess it's because of the unnatural way that evil gains that power...it is more potent at a moment, but almost always ends up consuming itself. good just has to hang on because it will always out survive evil...well, you know, if evil doesn't kill it first. which never happens...not in star wars, not in the lord of the rings, not in the bible, and i don't think it's going to happen in eragon either.

so, today's nelson mandela quote surprised me...

Communists have always played an active role in the fight by colonial countries for their freedom, because the short-term objects of Communism would always correspond with the long-term objects of freedom movements.

that's what i was thinking...but he's so much smarter than i am.

alright...it's the last day before our big robotics competition. my youngest was sick yesterday, so we'll see what kind of stamina we have for the long day ahead of us.
peace