ok, here's the deal

so, that post i made a couple of days ago about shifts...it was like the beginning of the long row of dominoes tumbling. there were more after that, but there is only so much you can capture with words at a time...only so much your brain can process as your perspective widens...only so much it can take in at once, i guess is more accurate.

what i realize is something like this...i birthed my kids, i've raised them...fed them, clothed them, watched them learn to button buttons, brush teeth, take steps, ride bikes (yes, my littlest did this last week and it is STILL my most favorite thing to watch them figure out in the world...srsly), all that stuff that they figure out in my presence...and i'll continue to be right alongside them, as much as they need me...this is my pledge in conceiving them, right? to be there as best i can when they need me...but they are their own people...period. always have been, haven't they?

see, when it takes awhile for you to figure out that these little folks are not, in fact, a representation of how you're doing in life...that their lives are not about you, but about them...well, it's one long "a-ha moment" and it leads to all these other realizations about other folks you didn't birth and your relationships with them...it gives everyone an independence that changes your concept of interdependence, but that's as clearly as i can state that, so i probably need a little more time on that concept. (you know, like a lifetime or something)

anyway...all of this to say, that i love my kids. i see them as individuals these days in a way i don't think i've ever managed before. but then i'm also reconnecting with and still interacting with all these other folks. and somewhere in all of this, i see that our relationships to each other, without our own personal judgments or whatever, are basically the same. where one of us succeeds, we all succeed. where one of us is healed, we all get healed. my ability to affect my kids may be a little greater because of proximity and trust built in a relationship that has spanned their entire lives, but i will not be the only relationship that affects them and i should not pretend my only responsibility is to them. we all affect each other. from the child i dropped off to volunteer for the first time today to the woman i almost hit as she pulled out of the parking lot on the street two blocks before the rock gym said child was volunteering at. we all affect each other. some we think about, plan, and try to control how we affect. some we never have a clue we even were a part of that life. and everything in between.

i don't know why this is so huge, but it has cracked my world open. (in a good way...or at least a way i am drawn into) i feel electric. and grateful. and tiny and powerful and lots of other things.

one other thing...we watched the last samurai with the kids last night and this morning. (started it last night, finished it this morning) i do not really like tom cruise, but i will say he was kind of perfect, in his little, arrogant, cockiness for playing the role of america in that movie. i'm a little torn about the violence in the movie, and my littles cover their heads during much of it, but i wonder how that stuff sounds when you aren't watching.... anyway, my oldest and i talked about the movie, as we were crying at the end...it's powerful stuff...power for the sake of power is a fucking powerful thing...big surprise. but strength for what you believe in...while it gets knocked down, assassinated, massacred again and again, cannot be crushed. and my oldest and i were both overcome with that realization, i think. i told him about obama's line in his inaugural address, "to those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents...You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you." it is a fine line between protecting ourselves from terrorists and becoming the very terrorists we seek to protect ourselves from. while i believe it is noble to defend innocents, i believe if we become the same as those we are defending ourselves from, we are no longer noble. and while some people feel being alive is the most important thing, this movie kind of took my teen and i to different paths of thinking in our conversation than we'd ever covered before. and it was emotional for us the whole time.

so, there's today's verbal vomit. i think as busy as i've been, i'm a little backlogged in processing through these thoughts. my dreams have become wild as my mind seeks to work stuff out. i must continue my campaign to get my ass on the treadmill.

but now i have some lego parts to research for my second born's robot he's building and some sheets to change on the beds my three youngest children have all decided to sleep in. it's amazing how they are all growing and progressing and changing and teaching me the whole while.

peace

five important words

this-is-not-about-me

i saw my the-rapist today. it was a good one. i was talking to her about the dynamics of the meeting my robotics team and parents had last night. about how hard it is to go forward with a group of adults i feel have such different philosophies from me. but i still feel responsible to this team, responsible for part of this journey. and how to reconcile a lot of that...find the flat place--you know, the one that's not slippery or jagged. so we talked about different people's expectations when it comes to competition...particularly adults coaching children in competitions. it helped to hear her say that my co-coach was making the classic mistake of making this about her...not because i needed to hear i was right, but because there was understanding and even a hint of forgiveness in the-rapist's voice when she said it...and that's what i'm striving for. the-rapist helped me remember that it is not the end of the world for children to have adults who make mistakes leading them...i can even turn out alright when those adults are completely unable to admit they ever made a mistake. my job isn't to remove all of those challenges from children's lives...it's to be there alongside them as they walk through them, helping as best i can...which often means just being quiet and being there.

i find this challenging to me because i want to believe my ideals are right...are good. and i do. but it would help if everyone was jumping to get on the same bandwagon...would make it seem all the more right and good. but there are lots of good bandwagons out there...some of them driven only by a person or two, i suppose. and whether someone agrees with me or not...well...it is not about me. it is about many other things and i'm not one of them. i like it when the-rapist says these words, because she holds up her five fingers. now she doesn't even have to say them...i know what the five raised fingers means.

i am sure things will turn out just fine. i will find a balance and not spiral into craziness... this is a team of people led by good intentions...no one is trying, purposely, to sabotage anyone. i feel my awareness reaching an equilibrium...a place where i won't be so easily toppled. i just keep waiting for my emotions to settle down and follow suit.

i laughed on the way home from counseling today, though, because i was listening to brandi carlile and "my song" came on. to me, it seems like a song that is supposed to be about her, but she can't help but define herself by this other relationship...so as she basically sings this song to another person, she keeps going back to "but this is my song"...it makes me laugh because i have so long defined myself by my relationships, successful and unsuccessful both, that these five words are really, really hard sometimes. but i can see a lot of light beyond that doorway if i can get myself to fully walk through...

peace

balance

i think i mentioned that my spouse's schedule is a little funky, so i'm not getting to run lately. at least, not on my treadmill. my sister just reminded me i could do it outside, but do you really want me to tell you how hot it is?....again?....

so there's been all this thinking going on without any physical outlet to let some of this energy work itself out. and i think that's why i've had a nagging headache for a few days. i thought it was caffeine related, but now i'm not so sure. which, again, strikes me how subtle our actions are that maintain some balance...how things affect us in ways we aren't even aware of...how easy it is to upset the balance because it's difficult to realize all that's influencing it. more mystery...

but i will say that i think where mystery and personal responsibility meet and clash is at the line of accountability. who to blame when things go wrong? but i guess what i'm figuring out is that blame serves no one and is so misguided...there's that feeling of if we know how or why something went wrong, we can keep it from happening again. but i think that's a big old maybe. because, like i said, if things that influence outcomes are subtle, then how can we guarantee anything can be avoided? and at what cost? and for what unforeseen result?

so while i learn about and recognize a balance between my mental activity and my physical activity, i do wonder about a balance between the mystery and the not so mysterious...or maybe it's all mysterious...or none at all...(kind of chasing my tail here, huh?)

back to my coffee...
peace

i am tired

and i have issues.

this is something i've been saying for a very long time. so long, that it's allowed my spouse to think i am the only one with issues. he's a smart man. i don't think he ever set out to believe it was just me who created and maintained the problems we have...well, and was responsible for fixing them, too, i should add. and today, when we talked about it...(after a good learning session from my the-rapist)...i don't think it was a good feeling for either of us as certain things began to dawn on him. as we both took a moment of clarity (or the least angry moment) to sift through things, speak plainly, and see what's really going on here. and i have a huge responsibility to make some changes to stop the cycle...but he has huge responsibilities, too. i do think he might be a little behind the learning curve on this, but that's from the perspective of one who's always taken on too much responsibility. maybe he'll be the rookie that comes out batting one thousand. at least we're still on the same team...

i really thought i'd had a rough week. i really thought it was just a shitty weekend. i really see we sometimes have to be worn down to get to the most elemental parts of us to start real change. the grinding down i was talking about in another post. i can deal with this...i really can. my face hurts from crying a lot and i am weary, but i am dealing. wonder who i'll be tomorrow? obviously still me, but me a little different, i think. i am optimistic...cautiously optimistic.

peace