busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

so whaddya think it means...

when the kids keep coming up and hugging you, saying "i love you, mom"? do i look that crappy these days? probably. the guy who sold me educational cd-rom's two weeks ago kept looking at me this morning, when he dropped them off, like he was really worried about me....like, "what happened to you?" normally i would want to put their minds at ease, but now i just roll my eyes and feel like, "what? so now i have to help you feel better, too?" i'm thinking this may be a sign of being "spread too thin" as my father puts it. or maybe that's my stepmom who puts it that way.

today is my youngest child's (well, youngest in those that have already been born) birthday. he has been counting this down since it was 321 days away or so. seriously. i'm the one who counts the days in my head when he asks. and he is so, so excited. when i woke up this morning, he shouted "morning mom! i'm six today!!" in case i'd forgotten. (see, i told you i look like shit...i mean really, he just told me yesterday.) so today i will finish cleaning up the house some (it is so good to have a deadline for some of this stuff) and make a fruit salad and that's about it. oh, i will wrap his presents, too. he got a soccer ball, some croc knock-offs, bubble bath, and pool toys. i hope he likes that stuff. i should go get him some candy just to be sure he really likes everything...nah. have faith. and if he doesn't like it...well, don't care too much about it. (ah, cracking my cynical self up here...see? this is a danger of having a cynical, depressed priest every sunday...you begin to feel cynically justified in these cynical thoughts...ah...worse than any drug...doh, i digress...)

i had an awful morning's sleep. maybe my body's just getting a jump on this whole waking up at crazy, odd hours, but i woke up at five this morning, and due to circumstances beyond my control (having to pee, the mister snoring so.freaking.loud., the dog chasing squirrels in her sleep and scratching her nails that DESPERATELY need to be trimmed on her kennel floor, dreams, anxieties, etc) i did not fall back to sleep until eight. and then overslept the alarm i'd set for nine and got up at nine thirty. i feel so completely discombobulated...(is that a word? it is in my head, but my eyes say "i'm thinking no") disoriented. that's better. my teen mowed the backyard because i was just too tired to do it. so my front won't get mowed. but i should go put away laundry (especially all the kids underwear drying on the drying rack in my front living room...bet they'd appreciate that, eh?) and vacuum. oh, and wrap those presents!! (slapping forehead...) let me finish this coffee before i hurt myself...

peace

resting a little

i was really, really low yesterday. i mean really. and not even high school hormonal. this was much more dignified...this emotional wreck-titude i experienced...snort. but seriously...i was so sad.

i think it's because we had a really busy weekend. i think it's because i worked my butt off volunteering at a rock climbing comp...early mornings...high temperatures...stupid men in charge that act like babies when things get stressful...lots of great, energetic kids...and some awesome speed climbs by my teenager. i...was...s.p.e.n.t. and i didn't see much of my spouse. or my good friend who came up to visit me and ended up hanging out with my two littles so that they wouldn't have to be stuck at a dirty rock gym. (the gym is not especially dirty...but i would like to mention that the ground up rubber that keeps climbers from breaking limbs when they fall three stories from the top of the wall...this rarely happens, but when i does, you know...the rubber creates a rubber dust you breathe while in the gym and makes you have black boogers when you get home, which, in case you can't imagine what that would be like, is freaking gross.)

my point is, i was really low by the end. i hadn't spent much time in the sun. had stopped taking my vitamins for almost a week because i was busy. was eating like absolute crap. and couldn't sleep much either. conditions for the perfect storm, eh?

so yesterday sucked. but there was sun today...and a lovely breeze...it was awesome. there have been vitamins. food has been purchased that has much more to offer than the fried chicken and macaroni and cheese i was so desperately craving all weekend. and after fourteen hours of sleep sunday, i woke up at a fairly decent time this morning, seven, and managed to stay in bed til my sister called me at seven forty...which made me all kinds of happy just by virtue of who she is.

so...rather than try to roll too far to fast with this bit of momentum, i am resting some. i feel the baby kick lots more these days...talk to the bean (i've been calling the baby "ribbit" in my head for some reason...prolly because the u/s at eleven weeks revealed a busy little bee swimming and swimming and swimming, just like a little frog) in my head all the time, too. oh, and we are looking into whether or not we can swing getting our teen to nationals in utah next month, since he received an invitation after his awesome speed climbs. yep...rest is good...

peace

r.i.p. little guy

so, one of our rabbits died today. we knew it would happen eventually. but it was our little fuzzy white one, fizgig...named after the little white fuzzy creature in that jim henson movie, the dark crystal. he came from a breeder who couldn't care for her 150 rabbits...first they were seized, but then she surrendered them. we had no idea how old he was and all the rabbits we got in that group had so many health issues from neglect. we've had him for a couple of years and for that, we're grateful. dh buried him in our backyard tonight. one thing that surprised me was my teenager's reaction. he cried and cried...big, hard sobs. he and i talked about it tonight. first, he felt guilty...and i don't blame him. this is the first time i've seen a dead bunny, but i've had to have one put down before and that sucked. and i felt guilty. something so small and helpless...seems like i should've been able to do something to save it. the other rabbit i've lost was a mama that had babies at my house...we were told she was a male. when i took her to get spayed, they lost her on the table. and i remember crying a lot over her, too. but i told my oldest that we did the best we could taking care of our little friend...and that it was okay to feel sad over losing a little part our lives. my teen did say he was kind of surprised by how strongly he felt over losing fizgig. my youngest said he wished it had been the rabbit who bites sometimes when he's hungry that would've died. ahh...the circle of life.

peace

still here, still hormonal

but doing alright...

there are so many things i think about in a day. so many things i feel passionately about...at least for that minute i'm thinking it. i guess in some ways, it's good to revisit this tripped out hormonal state...because i had forgotten how maddening and debilitating it can be (and i think it will help me be empathetic as my guys approach or wallow in teen-hood). i can't even beat my high score on this word game i love because 1. my fingers won't type right...i mean, if i told you how many times i have to back up and retype stuff because i keep hitting the wrong keys, you'd probably cry for me and 2. i can't remember how to spell anything...seriously. i just can't. and i'm blaming it all on the hormones. i talked to my kids about this yesterday, and it's like now my teenager "gets" me...he's really nice...or at least, if i snap at him, he doesn't snap back. he just gives me this look full of empathy, pats my shoulder, and walks away... he even let me hit him with a pillow yesterday...and i think that was kind of hard for him because i don't have ninja like reflexes and i'm pretty sure he saw it coming...but he didn't block it. he said it looked like i needed that.

i was trying to support my sil through some stuff with my nephew the other day, but apparently, i don't offer the kind of support she's looking for. so there i was, all ready to give support, and she was avoiding me. it was kind of hurting my feelings until i realized i was trying to help her and that if she wasn't ready for it, i really should back the hell off. oh yeah... so even though that was a little slow in coming, at least i got there....

i told my spouse that my therapist said it would be hard for me to get my needs met in a house full of males...and he got kind of pissed and wanted to know if that was his fault. uhm...i wasn't really prepared for that response. so i asked him if he was having trouble getting some of his own needs met. (well, i should, for the sake of honesty, explain that the first part happened one night and i didn't actually ask him about his needs for another two days...i was pretty pissed at his reaction to my attempt to explain how much it sucks to be so hormonal in a house of selfish, er, i mean men used to me taking care of my own needs...so that's how that went down.) now, he's going to help me try to get the house cleaned up/organized/decluttered. we're picking a project a night...but i know me...we'll be taking some nights off. i'm kind of over the "super-tired" hump, but i found a "yep, still-tired" plateau right on the other side...sigh.

oh, and my sil gave me a diaper bag. it's kind of huge. and she was showing me all the compartments and changing mats and "features"...etc...and i told her she was giving me a little bit of an anxiety attack... oh! and then later that night, over dinner, my husband was talking about the money he would've made if he would've stayed a pharmacist for eight years instead of doing this medical school thing...omg...it's almost enough to drive a pregnant woman to drink. i mean, it was enough for my sil to hand me the wine bottle...sigh.

see, it's not that i don't want to be pregnant. it's just that i was kind of used to being a mom of four...four who were pretty independent and stuff. i mean, there were days and such, but i'm a little insecure about my ability to handle nights with a newborn (ok, this makes me throw up in my mouth just a little), and tantrums, and the mess...oh lord, the mess...i mean, it's not like we don't make messes, too, it's just that baby and toddler messes are so sticky... ok, i must stop myself...this serves no one. i am looking forward to folding a fresh load of clean diapers. smelling new baby smells. hearing those tiny little cries that are (god willing) pretty easy to silence by meeting that need... those moments when you get to eat with two hands because some lovely person has shown up and been charmed by the baby and won't let go... smiles and laughs. big brothers wrapping willingly around that tiny little finger. it'll be good...hell, it'll probably be great. our fourth born was the best idea we never had...and i remember looking at him on his second birthday, my eyes filling with tears, and thinking "what would we ever do without you?" and i can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy that i look forward to every week of...because i really think i may need each of those weeks to prepare for this..."wrap my brain around it" as my therapist and therapist friend like to say (apparently they learn these phrases in school or something). and that is ok...

peace

fun times

what a great weekend...

got to see my niece. she's home from the hospital. she's gorgeous...and i don't think i feel that way because she's my niece. i mean, i think even if she was a stranger on the street, i'd be pretty smitten. she looks great. i'm really happy for her parents that all their kiddos are at home, together, where they belong...no more parts of their heart scattered....that comes much, much later.

i had so much fun hanging out with my in laws. they're such great, smart people. i especially appreciate when we have a little time alone with them and they can share their wisdom...in really subtle, but warm ways. i miss them more than i realize.

actually, i think we miss all of our family more than we realize. but it is awesome to go back and hang out. we got to see our grand niece. and our nieces and nephews...brothers, sisters...everyone else. it was good times....really good times.

hey, guess what? my oldest plays the guitar. ha! ok, ok...i knew he'd been messing around on it in his room. his dad had even checked out the complete idiot's handbook to guitars and the guitar hero song book for him at the library two weeks ago (or was it longer? crap...i hate late fees). but my spouse and i were pretty shocked when teenager sat down and started playing with his aunt as she was practicing the music for easter mass. so guess what? even though i felt a little concerned that i was letting him get too rock n roll...and even though he'd never expressed any interest in being a part of mass other than sitting and zoning out (oh, and eating a little jesus...he has taken his first communion)...he played the guitar with the family choir (in front of the whole church) for easter mass. wow...

ok...i now have to go empty my car from our weekend travels to get it ready for travel to the world festival. we also have robotics in three hours, so i should probably get my ass in gear. we still need to pack and do tons of other things i am forgetting, i'm sure. but when we get back, we will be that much closer to april, and this semester, being finished. i am so ready for the rest....

peace

prayers on a busy day

today's been kind of...busy....eventful...something like that.

i woke up and got to chat with a friend online. that was good stuff. she's going camping, but i'm not so jealous i don't still like her lots. (i will camp this summer, i will camp this summer...)

once i picked up teen at his dual enrollment class, i decided that i was going to get some stuff accomplished. but my sister called first to tell me that my aunt is in the icu...with meningitis. my cousins are my kids ages...well, her older daughter is ten months older than my oldest and her younger daughter is a week older than my second born. and their mama's in the icu...and can barely remember who she is or where she is. so some prayers for her, please...my aunt lori.

then we ran our errands. teen was not too happy once we finished because he's decided he doesn't need to eat breakfast. which i don't agree with...but i don't get to agree with everything he chooses and i'm alright with that. but when i decide to run an hour's worth of errands...ok, maybe an hour and a half...and he's starving and grouchy as hell by the end, well, then i feel his choice is inconvenient. much in the way he felt mine was inconvenient. it's so hard when you aren't the one driving the car. and i empathize with that. but i also know he'll have much time to be the one driving in his future, so i've let it go. plus, once he ate, he was back to normal.

but get this...i load everyone in the car, thinking we're running late to piano, so i've got that extra edge to my voice...we need to hurry kind of thing. we back down the driveway and something in the universe shifts and i ask teenager, "isn't piano at 2?" he says, "yeah, i think so." so i ask, "then why are you letting me run everyone out the door and load us up as though it's at 1?" he thought i'd gotten a call or something. children are so trusting. even when they know we're nutso. so i drove back up the driveway and my youngest shouts, "well, that was a short trip!"

oy...i'm going to skip the part about talking to my mother and the way things are going with her and my stepfather...it was a two hour conversation, but i just don't have the energy to even summarize it. we DID, however, pick up teenager's glasses. and the wonderful woman at the glasses place even fixed his spare pair that we didn't even buy there. i was and still am very, very grateful.

oh, and speaking of gratitude...my bil and sil sponsored my oldest for his robotics trip. once i let go of some of my fear, things work out amazingly well. once i know longer try to be the only one in control, it seems others find room to step in...and then it is so much better.

so prayers for aunt lori...and my little niece is still in the nicu...getting better, but still there. maybe the week after easter she'll get to come home.

peace

ok, here's the deal

so, that post i made a couple of days ago about shifts...it was like the beginning of the long row of dominoes tumbling. there were more after that, but there is only so much you can capture with words at a time...only so much your brain can process as your perspective widens...only so much it can take in at once, i guess is more accurate.

what i realize is something like this...i birthed my kids, i've raised them...fed them, clothed them, watched them learn to button buttons, brush teeth, take steps, ride bikes (yes, my littlest did this last week and it is STILL my most favorite thing to watch them figure out in the world...srsly), all that stuff that they figure out in my presence...and i'll continue to be right alongside them, as much as they need me...this is my pledge in conceiving them, right? to be there as best i can when they need me...but they are their own people...period. always have been, haven't they?

see, when it takes awhile for you to figure out that these little folks are not, in fact, a representation of how you're doing in life...that their lives are not about you, but about them...well, it's one long "a-ha moment" and it leads to all these other realizations about other folks you didn't birth and your relationships with them...it gives everyone an independence that changes your concept of interdependence, but that's as clearly as i can state that, so i probably need a little more time on that concept. (you know, like a lifetime or something)

anyway...all of this to say, that i love my kids. i see them as individuals these days in a way i don't think i've ever managed before. but then i'm also reconnecting with and still interacting with all these other folks. and somewhere in all of this, i see that our relationships to each other, without our own personal judgments or whatever, are basically the same. where one of us succeeds, we all succeed. where one of us is healed, we all get healed. my ability to affect my kids may be a little greater because of proximity and trust built in a relationship that has spanned their entire lives, but i will not be the only relationship that affects them and i should not pretend my only responsibility is to them. we all affect each other. from the child i dropped off to volunteer for the first time today to the woman i almost hit as she pulled out of the parking lot on the street two blocks before the rock gym said child was volunteering at. we all affect each other. some we think about, plan, and try to control how we affect. some we never have a clue we even were a part of that life. and everything in between.

i don't know why this is so huge, but it has cracked my world open. (in a good way...or at least a way i am drawn into) i feel electric. and grateful. and tiny and powerful and lots of other things.

one other thing...we watched the last samurai with the kids last night and this morning. (started it last night, finished it this morning) i do not really like tom cruise, but i will say he was kind of perfect, in his little, arrogant, cockiness for playing the role of america in that movie. i'm a little torn about the violence in the movie, and my littles cover their heads during much of it, but i wonder how that stuff sounds when you aren't watching.... anyway, my oldest and i talked about the movie, as we were crying at the end...it's powerful stuff...power for the sake of power is a fucking powerful thing...big surprise. but strength for what you believe in...while it gets knocked down, assassinated, massacred again and again, cannot be crushed. and my oldest and i were both overcome with that realization, i think. i told him about obama's line in his inaugural address, "to those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents...You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you." it is a fine line between protecting ourselves from terrorists and becoming the very terrorists we seek to protect ourselves from. while i believe it is noble to defend innocents, i believe if we become the same as those we are defending ourselves from, we are no longer noble. and while some people feel being alive is the most important thing, this movie kind of took my teen and i to different paths of thinking in our conversation than we'd ever covered before. and it was emotional for us the whole time.

so, there's today's verbal vomit. i think as busy as i've been, i'm a little backlogged in processing through these thoughts. my dreams have become wild as my mind seeks to work stuff out. i must continue my campaign to get my ass on the treadmill.

but now i have some lego parts to research for my second born's robot he's building and some sheets to change on the beds my three youngest children have all decided to sleep in. it's amazing how they are all growing and progressing and changing and teaching me the whole while.

peace

park day

well, i thought i was getting better. then i went and stood out at park day today, in the wind, and the cedar, and, well, i am not feeling better anymore...

but i made it through week two of our new schedule...and this one included co-op and tuesday's rock climbing class, so it was pretty much the full deal. next week, we add flute lessons, and then we're really rolling full steam.

it was still a little wonky with eldest today. i kind of freaked at park day because, while talking to the mamas, out of my peripheral vision, i saw eldest drop another kid, rip a stick out of said dropped kid's hands, and then throw the stick away. so i quickly trucked it over there and eldest said kid had tried to hit him with stick because they were not agreeing over how to play capture the flag. ooooooookay. i asked eldest if he thought he could play the game and be cool with aforementioned kid. eldest said he thought he could be cool and avoid other kid, but that he really didn't other kid would respect that and would probably try to get in eldest's face. and i said, "well, i'm going to just put this out here even though you didn't ask...i don't think it's a good idea you stay and play this game then." (my stuffy nose was gone at this point in the day...but it is back in full force now) eldest agreed (he IS a sensible young man-ish type of guy) and went to do other things. i spoke to kid who'd been dropped, made sure he was alright, and just mentioned that it might get things back to agreeable a little quicker if he'd back out of a person's face who he'd just upset...although it was, of course, ultimately up to him...

it all went off fairly smoothly. but the adrenaline rush from watching my son drop another kid took awhile to wear off. once it did, though, i decided he'd done the right thing for him and that i was proud of him. he didn't hurt the kid. and i don't think any of the mamas were upset (in particular, kid who'd been dropped's mama, especially). it was alright...

now my spouse is on call. (i have the most hilarious story about a retained object he found during an exam the other day...it makes me want to go make sure i don't have any stray socks or lost earrings hiding out in my nether regions...but i'll save it) i am trying to get into the new toni morrison book, but it is going way over my congested head...the language i usually find so enchanting is pissing me off because i keep thinking i must be skipping words...but no, that's really how it's written. maybe i should go find some annie...and some vitamin c...and a soft blanket...ooh, this is starting to sound good...
peace

just looking at stuff

it's been kind of blah here lately. i have a cold which makes everything kind of have this watery quality to it. drowning...crying...whatever...not that any of that is actually going on. it's just how it feels. the potential under the surface. adding to it is that, as i've mentioned a million times i feel like, it's kind of a busy semester for us. i finally called second born's flute teacher and added that weekly appointment to the chaos...so at least i can let go of the guilt of not allowing him to be as overscheduled as the rest of us....aahhhh....(that's supposed to sound like a relieved "ah" and not a screaming type "ah" although either would work right there)

i feel like teenager is edgy. but i can't tell if he's edgy because he's feeling overwhelmed or if he's edgy because he feels like we're all looking at him to break down from being overwhelmed...see the difference? see the dilemma? it's kind of funny to me, though, in my congested, foggy headed state. because i don't know how to proceed. i mean...i do...i just proceed...that's how. and eventually we'll find a rhythm...or eventually we'll just be proceeding without being so damned conscious of it...whatever.

but tonight, when he got home from rock climbing team, he was kind of edgy, surly...grumpy...whatever. i can't tell if it's from being away from us so much...learning some independence...coming back and bucking us a little. i don't know. whatever it is, it's edgy, it's surly, it's grumpy. so, as my spouse is baiting a rat trap (i don't want to talk about that part of my story right now) with peanut butter, teenager says, "that's not even real peanut butter" all disgusted like. now, it does have flax seed added to it, but it is peanut butter. in my quest to buy natural products for my kids, i happened upon this stuff, and while it does have added oil, salt, and molasses, mostly i was overjoyed it could live on a shelf and not produce our own little exxon valdez oil spill every time someone wants a little peanut butter on something. seriously, the non separating part of it was hugely appealing after years of oil spills all over my hands, the counter top, whatever. so i explained to teenager that it was, in fact, really peanut butter. he kind of rolls his eyes (like there's a kind of to eye rolling, but humor me) and says, "well, i don't like the way it tastes."

now, i don't think we should get all emotional and read a bunch of shit into peanut butter. i really don't. but i did feel, just a little, like he was getting all rebellious on me about not liking this peanut butter. (it was the eye rolling that did it, you see...combined with the smirky lips and stare down after he said it...like he didn't care if it was real peanut butter...and really i was missing the point by discussing whether it was real peanut butter...and why am i such a dumb whore as to not realize the real point here?...) and so i told him, in my stuffed up nose voice (which is so very cool, lembetellyouh) that all he has to do is let me know if he doesn't like a brand of something i buy and i'll try a different brand. and then i went to move laundry (read: got the hell out of room...the tension was so thick...yes, it was like peanut butter)

as i was moving the laundry, i thought about how hard it was as a teen to live in a house where i didn't always like what the parentals bought to pass for meals or snacks. how i did sometimes feel like they were choosing not to buy my own preferences. (i know, i know, five words, right? this was years before i knew the five words, so it was allll about me then...) and i can empathize with my son on this. i know he's told me things he doesn't particularly like and i've still bought them. usually, because i forget he told me he didn't like them. not because he isn't important to me. i just have a lot of shit to remember and these days, well, some of it's falling through the cracks. (yes, i just admitted my mind's a little cracked...see what therapy can do for a girl?) so i was all full of empathy for the teenager slighted by his mother's peanut butter bumble...who probably doesn't even CARE that she'll try something new and different next time...if, fingers crossed, she remembers to even buy peanut butter next time.

but then i thought about how freaking hard it is to buy something every person in a family of six will like...and then i felt all this empathy for the mother who can't always please everyone...sometimes because she doesn't know, sometimes because she forgets, sometimes because she just can't imagine it's that big of a deal...i mean, good lord, give her a break, wouldja?

so after looking at both sides of the situation, i decided to hell with it. it's about peanut butter, right? it is not about me. and i am tired and worn out from this damned cold and probably not thinking too clearly about this shit anyway.

but i do miss him. he is gone a lot. and it sucks being sick during this transition. but once i get better (and i'm on my way...my eyes no longer feel like there are knives behind them and i don't feel the need to yank my teeth out anymore) i think everything will be alright...sometimes chaotic, sometimes delightful...but i think it'll average out to alright. and that's good for me.
peace

sun and moon

ok, i'm a little tired, but i've been thinking about this one for a few days now...

saturday, as we drove to our robotics competition, at the butt crack of dawn...no, i don't know what time that really is, but i am not a morning person...if it is still dark and we are calling it morning, i call it the butt crack of dawn...so there's that.

at the butt crack of dawn on saturday, we were driving down the interstate. on the left side of the interstate, the sun was just barely beginning to put a little light in the sky. on the right side of the interstate, i could still vividly see the moon behind clouds. i do want to say that i was a passenger that day, so i never really dialed in to what i was seeing. i did think it was beautiful and i did comment on it, but then i just went back to staring at the road ahead and not thinking of much of anything.

but this morning, as i drove my teen to his first day of his dual enrollment class...at a campus where almost everyone smokes, and many of the young men drive horribly, and they all have their pants hanging below their butts (i mean what is that? i know i did some goofy stuff to fit in...yes, my hair was quite tall for awhile there, but what's the deal with wearing your pants below you ass? can you even reach pockets behind your knees? i don't think so...)...anyway...you get the idea. it was kind of a more grown up thing that when he takes biology in a classroom with bible verses all over it, if you know what i mean. but on the way up there (because it's an hour drive...feel free to recommend or lend good audio books), the sun was up and the moon was still out. we watched the sun come up. it was neat. we kept waiting for the moon to retreat. but it didn't. i don't know where it finally went. it was like instead of going down, it was backing up...almost vaporizing itself or something.

and it made me think of the duality of things. opposites. can you have one without the other? and can they exist at the same time? i don't normally think that opposites can happen at the same time. i know my kids can be beautiful and awful...but i don't normally feel both at a given moment. it's like a movement between these two extremes along a continuum...so how can it be both at once?

this weekend was the culmination (for now anyway) of much practice, much work, much learning, much growth. and it was not all fun. it did not all feel good. i don't even know if you put the warm fuzzies in one side of a balance and the pissed off freezies (like that one? i just made it up) in the other, which side would be heavier... but it was good. many, many good things came out of it. and i am glad we did it. it left me empty as hell last night. (AND i started my period...how is that fair?) but it will fill me up for a long time...and give us so much fodder for more growth.

here are some lyrics to a song i was listening to today that i really liked...

every day is a bank account
time is our currency
no one's rich, no body's poor
we get twenty-four hours each

so how are you gonna spend
will you invest or squander?
try to get ahead
or help someone who's under?

that's just the stuff my worn out brain was thinking about today...not a whole lot of conclusions...just some stoned on tired observations, i guess...
peace

weekend over

and yes, i made it!!

i love today's oscar wilde quote...

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

i made it through my weekend... the team did really well...second place for the champion's award and third place in robot performance. it was awesome. we may have a shot at the next round of competition, but i don't think we'll be getting an answer soon on that and i'm okay with that. frankly, i don't even want to think about it for the next week...maybe more.

teenager starts his dual enrollment class tomorrow. three days a week, 88 miles round trip. i'm actually driving back up tomorrow night to have dinner with a mama from my cyber tribe. i'm really excited about that, too.



peace

karma?

i just want to say that right now, tonight, this moment, i would like to have the biggest, most universal tantrum in the world...screaming, crying, hitting, kicking...even getting so upset i throw up sounds good.

part of it is that the teenager i was gushing about yesterday had his own tantrum today...and no, it wasn't like the one of my desire that i just described. by comparison, his was really pretty mellow. and i honestly did understand where it was coming from. he was really, really worn out from working out so hard last night and our robotics team moral is challenging, there's a lot of tension...the other coach is getting sick, too...which is enough to scare some instant appreciation into me because the thought of taking this team to competition tomorrow without her scares the hell out of me. (i have always appreciated her, even when her methods drive me nutso, just fyi)

communication through the tantrum went alright...i actually think we did fairly well navigating that minefield we hadn't been on since he was, what? two? but feeling things turned out fairly well does not seem to replace what gets drained in trying to handle a situation like that in a calm, fair, reasonable way...i end up feeling almost completely unhinged by the end of the evening.

i'm exaggerating...a little. but i really am worn out...really, really worn out. emotionally. my spouse is not helping matters today, either. i think he would say he's not trying to help my matters...to which i would respond "NO SHIT"....but this conversation is only happening in my head and i should probably cut it out before i piss myself off more.

all this to say...here's a song my nephews introduced me to that my children recorded and i've listened to a few times the past few days and it struck me as a possible theme lately...i'll post the lyrics after...i'm not sure why he's picking on jamaican scam artists, though...i guess he just likes saying it, to be honest...not that he's all that easy to understand in this song anyway (for me anyway)...

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
No don't you worry. We'll all float on.
Alright, already. We'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry. We'll all float on.

And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on.

Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on OK.
Don't worry, we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on alright.
Don't you worry, we'll all float on.
We'll all float on.

peace

a day of rest

well, and a lot of catch up, too.

first of all, some quotes i harvested from the kite runner. i liked this book a lot, although it was hard to read because i didn't find any of the main characters all that endearing and you could feel the tragedy coming way before you even knew when or what it might be. maybe there was something familiar in that, something i was relating to on some level, but it made it kind of uncomfortable. and then the story really began to weave itself and i got very, very caught up in the telling. it's a beautiful book.

the story was so foreign in setting and the way it began, that i didn't even feel compelled to grab my pencil until i was more than halfway through the book, and then there were only five or six i underlined...but i thought they were very beautiful, too.

"So when the Taliban came..."
"They were heroes," Rahim Khan said.
"Peace at last."
"Yes, hope is a strange thing. Peace at last. But at what price?"

"I see America has infused you with the optimism that has made her so great. That's very good. We're a melancholic people, we Afghans, aren't we? Often, we wallow in too much ghamkhori and self-pity. We give in to loss, to suffering, accept it as a fact of life, even see it as necessary. Zendagi migzara, we say, life goes on. But i am not surrendering to fate here, I am being pragmatic. I have seen several good doctors here and they have given the same answer. I trust them and believe them. There is such a thing as God's will."

"She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'Why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you,' and I said, 'Hush up now. Enough of this silliness.'"

And this is what I want you to understand, that good, real good, was born out of your father's remorse. Sometimes, I think everything he did, feeding the poor on the streets, building the orphanage, giving money to friends in need, it was all his way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good.

"Father used to say it's wrong to hurt even bad people. Because they don't know any better, and because bad people sometimes become good."

"One time, when I was really little, I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples."

I wondered if this was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

i think i'll hand this over to my teenager to read now...

so today is just regular stuff...laundry, organizing, making doctor appointments...maybe i'll even get wild and take down my christmas tree. (everything else christmas has been taken down...and i kind of like this big green tree with just white lights on it standing in my living room...kind of...ok, it's getting a little old) our robotics competition is saturday and while i struggle with some of the issues it's brought to my life, my bil reminded me, as i was telling him some of the things my teenager's done that have made me proud to know him, that these are the opportunities we were hoping for as we began this activity. and he's right. so it's good...it's all good. but it was also be all busy, so i am very grateful for today and it's lack of destinies outside of my home, allowing me to achieve some of my goals here at home. (you know, like blogging and quote harvesting...priorities and stuff like that...ha)

peace

playing

i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?
peace

a little catch up

it's been really busy around here. and a little bit crazy, too.

teenager has been accepted to the college he applied to, in the dual enrollment program. i drove him there for his accuplacer, and it was eighty-eight miles round trip. so we'll be doing that three times a week next semester. but i am happy for him and ready to do whatever i can to make this a successful semester for him. (well, i mean support him in having a successful semester...it's such a fine freaking line with a fourteen year old...and no, it's not really that fine a line...it's just trying to find the balance between his fourteen year old self and my thirty-four year old self...THAT'S the challenge)

thanksgiving is happening at my house this year. i don't think this is asking too much. i think i'm ready. but i'm a little freaking out about it. and i realize i am over-reacting here. no one cares about the house...or at least they do only minimally. which makes me freak out a tiny bit more because it means i need to go to the grocery store and i am not looking forward to that... but i just need to suck it up and go...

and we hung out with friends friday. that was nice. man, that was really nice. i don't know why i am so reluctant, hesitant, and most of the time honestly don't think about inviting people over. especially when i get so lonely. i don't know...it's weird. but friday was awesome. the kids had a blast and so did i. must.remember.to.do.that.again...

ok...i swear it's been busy. it's just not stuff that translates well into words before you've had coffee or tea or even a drink of water first thing in the morning. there are also other things, i'm sure. but i've been missing blogging, even though i haven't had much to blog about. oh, i begin no less than two or three blogs a day in my head...but once i sit down, nothing's been itching to be written.

peace

it's getting better

the muscles are finally ending their loud, painful protest. the foot?...uh, no. but it'll get there... and i guess i'll just have to stay off the treadmill til it gets better...sigh...(muwahahaha)

there's another shirt i thought of that i saw...in my dreams, i'm a kenyan...i think i need this sticker. or the one that says marathon ho, i'm not sure which.

today was good. it was our last day for the semester in co-op. i'm still amazed at how difficult it was to put together and how easily it ran...and continues to run. and i love the kids. i mean like toe curling love the kids. it's a blast.

the kids and rock climbing...there's a class of college kids that climb at that gym after the homeschool class. today was their final. there was a route marked, and the last holds were graded...match here for an 80....match here for an 85. they moved in five point increments to the last hold, which i must say was a bitch of a reach, up to 100. my oldest son got to 100...with all the college kids watching, mouths agape. he really climbs quite gracefully and has a fair amount of technique to draw on. his eyes were lit up afterward. and i have to temper myself...i don't want him to crow like a rooster, but i can't deny him the sensation of being thrilled with his accomplishment. i might end up turning him into me if i do that...no, introspection is not always warm and fuzzy...bla my second born scored a ninety on the route...not bad for a ten year old, hey? and the nine year old scored an eighty. but i think that's probably because he went first...headstrong, pushy child that he is. they also did this really crazy, really cool work out today. the rock climbing instructors are learning to loosen up, broaden what they're teaching, and really make it fun (and relevant) for these kids. it's a blast watching and i know the kids are loving it.

and then there's still the college thing. teenager still wants to go. i guess that will be my primary job tomorrow...scheduling the things that need to happen to get him there. it still feels kind of weird.

and my spouse...i have been avoiding a lot of this discussion because...well, a lot of reasons. it is tender. it is old. it is repetitive. it is huge, it is not so huge all at the same time. it confuses me. it challenges me, too. it feels sometimes like a brick wall that i run into, knocking the wind out of me. other times it feels like a phantom i've dreamt up and isn't real at all. and i think i'm about talked out on that for now....

ok, teenager has friends over. all the sons get so excited when there are more males here to spend the night. it gets kind of loud. it requires much food. it reminds me of another marathon shirt i saw sunday...this sounded like a good idea three months ago.
peace