question authority

i have a tshirt that says that..."question authority". my spouse doesn't really like it. or at least all he's said about it is to express some concern that a parent in our house wears a shirt in front of the kids that says that. i don't know why he's bothered by it. they questioned me long before i bought the tshirt, but anyway... (maybe he sees himself as the authority in our house and doesn't want me to encourage them questioning him? i dunno...)

anyway...today i got stopped by a police officer. i didn't get a ticket, but i did get a lecture. he was driving down a rather busy street in our town that i was approaching on a side street. and yes, i was approaching pretty quickly...a screaming baby in her car seat and being five minutes late to a guitar lesson can make your foot a little heavier. plus, it's a crappy side street, full of pot holes, and i can miss every single pot hole going exactly forty-five miles an hour...plus miss any cars that happen to be on that street, which is very few since it IS such a crappy street (that i must admit, i do not know the speed limit of). anyway...i stopped at the stop sign, noticed the crappy look the officer gave me, then pulled out behind him, where there were no other cars. i noticed him stopping in his lane (the right one) when i passed him (in the left). when he got behind me, i pretty much knew he was going to pull me over. at the light, i started wondering how i would see his lights since he was on a motorcycle and i didn't see where his lights would light up. but as soon as the light turned green, it didn't take long for the universe to answer that question for me. (rolling my eyes WAY BACK in my head...) so i pulled over, with him behind me...did i mention the fifteen year old was right next to me in the passenger seat? the officer came up and asked me for my license and registration, all official-like. so i got it out and gave it to him (OF COURSE wondering whether or not my license was current...and i knew it was, but cops just make me feel guilty even when i'm not). he told me that i shouldn't drive so fast down that street, asked me why i would endanger my passengers by doing so (which just ruffled my mama feathers, i mean seriously, what does he know about what i do to keep my passengers out of danger?). he then explained that i stopped passed the stop sign and how that is called "failure to stop" (which i felt was BULLSHIT but kept my mouth shut...the street's busy...people drive fast down that stretch and you have to pull out enough to see if they're coming but not too far where you might get hit...) and then proceeded to explain how i turned right into the left lane and how that is called a "wide right turn" which i guess, since he pointed it out, should be avoided? but i honestly don't remember that in driver's ed, which i admit was awhile back, but since there was NO ONE ELSE ON THE ROAD i just don't see why it was relevant. so then he let me go.

now, i was pretty ticked at this guy. i mean seriously, aren't there CRIMINALS or something he could spend his time pursuing? i was going fast, sure. but he doesn't know how fast...he was driving (on a MOTORCYCLE if we want to consider danger), not clocking my speed. and those other things he took the time to mention...seriously? i mean, seriously? maybe it ticked me off because he sounded like my husband listing shit that doesn't matter but proving that he, too, can come up with a list. maybe it was just that i KNEW he was not going to give me a ticket because really, there was nothing he could ticket. maybe it was just his manner during the whole thing. i was also ticked because my fifteen year old was watching the whole thing and i just knew i wouldn't be able to handle it, afterward, with the grace i wanted to be able to handle it with. i mean, my baby was crying the whole time the guy was lecturing me. and he made us late to boot.

sigh. i will talk to my teen tomorrow. i will explain that i will slow down on that stretch of crappy road. i will explain that while i drive that road multiple times a week (sometimes multiple times a day), that the officer was right in telling me to slow down (but i admit i will also probably tell him the rest of the stuff was fluff). i will also mention to my teen that perhaps if he'd get ready when i tell him to, we won't run five minutes late. but then i guess it's better he tell his guitar teacher we ran late because he wouldn't get his crap together rather than because his mom got pulled over.

and life goes on...
peace

so like it's already march?

how did february fly by so quickly? oh yeah, i was busy as hell...

and i'm still busy as hell. i did manage a vacation with my family to visit some friends...and that was really nice. lots of snow. life just feels cleaner when everything's white...well, for someone who lives where it rarely snows it does. and i've had to hit the ground running now that i'm home. so. much. to. do.

but i wanted to check in and remind myself that i have a blog. (although i need to admit that these days i still get in the car and count my children just to be sure i haven't forgotten anyone, so remembering i have a blog is kind of low on the priorities...but it's still good to visit...wish someone would come post some cool stuff here...)

peace

hey, i'm doing it again

blogging, that is...

when i blog regularly, it's just like anything else i do regularly...it just becomes something i do, i do it, and i keep going. and i feel good about it. (i feel the same way about running, btw...and am finding it just as difficult to get back into the swing of running as well.) and i am having such a hard time returning to regular blogging. part of me wonders why i care. i mean, i "see" somewhere on the internet or in person most of the folks who read this blog. but there is something about words for me. they help me process the world. and i get a little backed up. and when i avoid dealing with my verbal/processing constipation, well, we all know that shit needs somewhere to go, right? and like i mentioned in my last post, i think not blogging leads to much mindfucking, which then leads to worry, and then that energy still has to go somewhere and i assume it just swirls around in me, eventually leading to ulcers or cancer or my hair falling out at least...and then the sadness over those things will just jump into the fray of energy already swirling around and i'll probably just die. i mean, i don't mean to be morbid, but let's just get this out, 'k?

i admit i was going for a little shock value in my last post. mostly because i walked around in a state of shock for most of january. never really knowing what was coming next...and for awhile there, let's be honest, it just. kept. coming. but that is life. and it is also life to just sit and see how everything will settle...get used to the "new normal". (i can't explain it...i understand the phrase "new normal"....yet there is still something i hate about it...just sayin')

anyway....i was thinking about january, reflecting on everyone that was affected by it, everyone in the same position i am, waiting on that "new normal" bullshit, everyone who acted in ways that began the cascade that was january...i have so many questions i want to ask...so many things i want to say...things i'd like to hear. but i'm a little afraid of fucking it up worse. and while i usually feel that's kind of "egocentric with an inferiority complex" of me (thank you anne lamott for a diagnosis finally), right now i feel like it's just intelligence. if it feels logical to me that unchanneled energy can reek a little havoc and cause things i don't want, then it seems like channeled energy should be able to do really good things. but i think it takes time to channel energy...and i think it takes time for the good things that need to be done to be revealed sometimes. so, again, as anne lamott says, i'm just waiting for my next operating instructions. and in the meantime, i'm going to be grateful for opportunities to blog, try to find opportunities to run, and keep my therapist in business, i'm sure.

peace

hey hey

it's so weird to blog. only because i think about blogging a lot. i compose them in my head...while i fall asleep...while i nurse the baby...while i drive. but then i never seem to find the time to actually do it. and then i stay away because i'm afraid that once i actually pull up my blog and click on "new post"...it'll just lead to this verbal vomitting of things...so many damned things...that i need to get off my chest and send that energy out in the world to grow trees or something more useful than swirling around inside of me causing ulcers or something.

i am so glad january's over...

in january i...

learned my father's brother was hocking all of my grandmother's things (along with his daughter) to support a drug habit.

learned my stepfather has prostate cancer but doesn't want anyone to know anything about it.

learned that one of my niece's let one of her aunties and uncles know that she felt they were selfish people and terrible parents.

learned that my stepmother's brother hung himself.

and that was my january. so good fucking riddance to january, i say.

but...because i am who i am...i have to say that in january i also...

saw my father reach out to his brother and take care of his mother in a way i know he probably had long wanted to, but felt out of place to do.

showed up for my stepfather and mother (and grandfather and stepgrandmother) and it just felt good.

let my sil (beforementioned auntie) know that i love her and feel for her and totally support her, and that seemed to mean a lot to her, so i'm glad i took the time to do it.

was able to spend a number of days with my stepmother and father and sister and brothers with my youngest...and although it was very raw, i am again glad i showed up.

so the lesson of january? show up. unless you can't...and then that's okay too. but make the choice each time...think about it and go with what you got.

so now it is february. and i had a birthday. and i got soooo many wonderful, fabulous, amazing birthday wishes, texts, songs, cards. i don't know where i found all these wonderful, fabulous, amazing people...or maybe they found me?...at any rate, they are the gift i have always wanted and will never know how to repay or say thanks enough for. and that is the lesson of february.

peace out

ps--just wanted to clarify...my father's brother, along with his daughter, were hocking my grandmother's things...his brother wasn't hocking my grandmother's things along with his daughter...that sentence was a little clumsy, eh? the parentheses fucked it all up...but it was clear in my head, i just wanted to say...

joy

tonight, i can't help myself...i feel joy. i don't know if it's a delirium brought on by exhaustion and stress, if it was church, if it's the smiles and touches of my children, if it's the help and support given me my friends and family...those things are always a part of my life. but tonight...i feel joy.

i looked at the trees tonight, empty and bare...stark. my grass is brown and flat. and it reminded me, in a way it's only done since i moved to this town, of the seasons of life. only since i've been here have i really noticed the barrenness of winter and craved the green life that spring brings. and it has often made me aware of the seasons of life. i have felt like much of the last year has been winter. when i went through my calendar at the end of this last year, i was relieved to be reminded of all the green times i had forgotten. my seasons definitely cycle a little quicker than the trees...but that's okay. i was thinking tonight about how the brown grass will be green again...and maybe it holds the joy of knowing that time will come. but then it must also hold the knowledge that winter will always come, and spring again. and how both of those things exist always. and it helped me hold my own knowledge. of the stark and the lush. of the brown and the green. the death and the life. the sadness, fear, loneliness, and anger as well as the happiness, courage, company, and joy.

and tonight, i just can't shake this joy. and for that, i am thankful.

peace

dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

the goal is awareness

and i am failing miserably.

i set a goal this week to be aware of what i do with my time. yet i still arrive at the end of my days wondering where the hell the time went and whether or not i got a thing done...and then i usually fall asleep before i answer either of those questions. which makes for a rather disjointed existence...lots of surprises, i 'll admit...but a little disconcerting when you're a hsing mama of five.

but let me tell you a couple of things i remember...

one thing i find deeply, deeply pleasing in a quiet, delightful way is the way water runs through baby hair. my youngest and i took a bath tonight and i had that warm full feeling you get when you get to do something you love, forgot you loved, and all of a sudden, the warmth of every time you've ever done it fills you.

i'm watching that same littlest suck her fingers with sleepy swollen eyes try to suck her thumb while i type this.

and i heard the absolute funniest line tonight..."i'm going to tell him every time he looks at porn, god kills a puppy."

ok, littlest is finished. g'nite...
peace