the goal is awareness

and i am failing miserably.

i set a goal this week to be aware of what i do with my time. yet i still arrive at the end of my days wondering where the hell the time went and whether or not i got a thing done...and then i usually fall asleep before i answer either of those questions. which makes for a rather disjointed existence...lots of surprises, i 'll admit...but a little disconcerting when you're a hsing mama of five.

but let me tell you a couple of things i remember...

one thing i find deeply, deeply pleasing in a quiet, delightful way is the way water runs through baby hair. my youngest and i took a bath tonight and i had that warm full feeling you get when you get to do something you love, forgot you loved, and all of a sudden, the warmth of every time you've ever done it fills you.

i'm watching that same littlest suck her fingers with sleepy swollen eyes try to suck her thumb while i type this.

and i heard the absolute funniest line tonight..."i'm going to tell him every time he looks at porn, god kills a puppy."

ok, littlest is finished. g'nite...
peace

hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

busy-ness

often in my head, as i'm trying to organize myself to get the next task accomplished, there's a busy signal going...as i'm already working on something. or maybe when i get ready to start a task, my head makes the same sound as a car that's being started that's already ON...you know, since i'm usually already doing something.

and i'm not sure what it is that allows my mind to wander for just a minute and then when it comes back decides we're going to get started on something NEW when we haven't finished the thing we were working before we wandered...you know?

it feels good to be busy. we've gotten a lot done this semester. i wonder sometimes how well we've gotten all that stuff done, but then i try to remember to just focus on the progress and lessons that i may not be able to measure...

it also feels good to not be busy...especially after months of being really busy. we went to our local hs park day yesterday and just hung out. i decided shortly after arriving that we'd leave when the kids asked to leave. so we were there for almost five hours. the weather was gorgeous. and these are kids my guys see weekly at co-op, chess club, robotics, rock climbing...but all these activities are focused and at least semi-structured, if not full blown structured. none of them are full out socializing activities. and let me tell you...watching the kids at park day yesterday was like watching adults at happy hour after a week at work. you could just see how gratifying it was to the kids...how relaxing and fun. it was a sharp contrast to their interactions during the week. not to say that they don't enjoy their more focused times together...i believe they do immensely. but we'd missed park days for a few weeks now and i think yesterday was just really something they needed. and it was awesome to be able to drive them there and watch it. and honestly, it was a happy hour for the mamas, too...

balance.... i think if i don't try too hard to find it, it just pops up at the right time. but then i worry if i think too much about it, it'll just get all out of whack again. but then luckily, my mind's already on the next issue--a grocery list--so i guess i won't chase it away...
peace

some fragments of a tuesday

tuesdays are really busy days. co-op til noon and then rock climbing til 3pm. drop off an extra kiddo we have afterward and we're usually home around four. so although i rarely blog on tuesdays (i think), there were just some things i needed to put on here to remember...

--conversation in my car...we were listening to iron man by black sabbath.

extra child says, "i think ozzy osbourne is blind."
my teenager says, "no, he just wears those glasses that make him look like john lennon."
extra child says, "oh, like the beetle your brother found today."
teenager says, "well, i named him john lennon because he was a beatle and it was a beetle, you know?"
then teenager and extra child look at each other, and both say, at the same time, "scarab rock!"

it cracked me up to hear the conversation go from ozzy and black sabbath to john lennon and the beatles and then jump, suddenly, to smashing pumpkins...and that all of those things are things they share a common knowledge of and interest in...

--earlier today, during the biology class at the co-op, the biology kids were doing a lab on bacteria. they were using petri dishes to grow out bacteria, but also testing different antiseptic or antibacterial solutions to see which were more effective against which bacteria. teacher asked them to take their swabs and swab "germy places." three kids swabbed the light switches or door knobs or whatever...one kid swabbed his butt. telling you, you gotta watch out for those hsers...they know no boundaries... (i LOVE this story...the kid's dad is a doc, i'll mention in case any one's grossed out by the idea...)

--my kids were rocking the whole rock climbing thing today. they really have gotten so good at it...and they still seem to love it so much. i hope their love lasts...until about next august...then i think it'd be fine for them to find something else to love and be good at...preferably something a little cheaper...

--i got to meet my friend's mom today. she brought the monkeys to co-op while my friend is out of town. what a nice, nice woman. i really love the community we have going at co-op. it feels tenuous at times, and that's probably more my shit than anything else, but i still really appreciate the community.

--and i had this weird break through in my head about my mom today. i was thinking about the wedding i'd been to...all the lesbian couples there. and, for some reason, my brain started playing with the idea of how she'd handle it if i were in a lesbian relationship, while i was doing stuff like brushing my teeth, and my hair, whatnot... anyway, i could hear my mom getting all sanctimonious about what is right and wrong and moral or immoral...yes, i realize i'm making this up...i've learned to just give my subconscious a little free reign in getting me to understand some of the stuff she knows...so anyway, my mom's getting all sanctimonious, and i'm telling her it's fine, that i didn't expect her to understand or be okay with this. BUT, i tell her, BUT i want you to know that i'm pissed off and disappointed with you, too. yes, this is pretty different for me to say to her. so i proceed to tell her that my whole childhood was about her dating, about her marriages, about her divorces...that comparatively, little of my childhood was about my life. and that she can tell me all she wants about how she judges my choices, or the choices of the world, and that i would never, EVER tell her how i judge hers, but that she's kidding herself if she thinks all of that was just water under the bridge, and that it in no way affected the child she brought along for the ride in those years. and since she's always bringing the bible into stuff, isn't there something about people in glass houses and throwing stones?...

like i said, it was all in my head. but i'd been thinking a lot about my anger toward my mom. and how to get to the bottom of it...you know, in order to start really letting it go instead of just avoiding it. and i don't know if this is the bottom of it...but it felt like a start to getting there. and yeah, after i finished that line of thought, i just finished getting dressed and went to co-op. weird, isn't it?

--i was consumed by and eventually gave into a need for fried okra. no, i don't always understand these things...

--my sister had an ultrasound on her breast today. they skipped the mammogram. i don't know what it is about our funky genes, but i had my first breast ultrasound at 22 and she's 30... so that was part of my day, too.

there was other stuff. the kid in my art class who complained when, after laying out his collage, i asked him to glue it to the page. he said, "can't we just watch tv or play video games instead?" that was a little mind boggling... when my philosophy class finally understood why friendship could be defined as meeting yourself in another person and holding on. hearing the grammar class sing iron man...it was really kind of cute and made me wonder what the hell they were doing in there...but in a way that made me smile, of course.

so there...i took a little time to think clearly on a tuesday. along with the laundry and getting everyone fed and driven around and dropped off relatively on time, i'd say i've covered ALL my bases today...
peace

someone else's words...

a response i got to see today sent to a mama second guessing herself in her decision to homeschool...it reminded me of a friend i know, but i also know the person who wrote this, so it just made me smile and i wanted to put it here to save... (the technological equivalent of printing it, folding the paper in half, and sticking it in the book or journal that is current for me...)

Scott Peck defines Love as being "the willingness to improve one's self for
the benefit of another".

Much though people would like to believe in right or wrong, IMHO there is no
such thing -- there's only up or down the scale of better and not-so-better,
and you often don't know which way points to "better" because there's NO way
to know all the variables. So you agonize, you second guess yourself, and
then you pays your money and you takes your chance.

And you live with the lumps be they coal or gold.

True love is tough, and leads to much soul-searching.

So while you're agonizing, ponder this:

James Arthur Ray said: "Refusing to forgive is like taking a poison and
expecting the other person to get sick".

I say the only place that really works (meaning you poison the intended
person) is when the person you won't forgive is yourself. Poisoning
yourself for making a mistake is no different than poisoning your child
because THEY made a mistake.

And finally, coal is the substance of which diamonds are made...

Hope this helps

peace

busy day, busy day

we went to the robotics thing this morning for my oldest. now we've been cleaning for the sleep over we're having tomorrow, plus the friend who's hanging out here tonight. i get to go to book club (where i didn't read the book but i am so not feeling like a loser over this today...i'm just not...it's a freaking choice and i'm choosing baby) tonight and it's somewhere where i can have a beer. (i need a "woo" emoticon here, friends)

we need to get our math knocked out and i'd like to test them into some other curriculum, too. plus, my house is a sty. we're busy folks. the house shows it....all over the place. oh, and i need to pay credit cards today...buzz kill.

there's been so much going on lately...on the inside and on the outside. i can't really talk about a lot of it because it's all just wispy little thoughts...i don't have the strength today to even pretend to try to grab those geese's necks, you know?

oh! but i did run four miles on the treadmill yesterday. and i wanted to talk about that. because so often when i exercise, i think about what i can't do. or what i'm not doing... if i do thirty sit ups, i think about how i wish i could do fifty and i'm a wuss for not being able to...stuff like that. and i'm not sure why. but yesterday, i was going to run for forty-five minutes. the music i was listening to finished and i threw on the dixie chicks because i wanted to hear a few of those songs...well, forty-five minutes was going to be up before i'd heard the songs, so i just kept running a little longer. it was cool that i could do that... i guess being all appreciative for that ability made me aware of my usual state of mind when i run...it was a small part of me that cracked open, but it was cool.

and i'm trying to hear sarah palin's speech at the rnc. it's a five parter on you tube. i've made it through the first two parts. i think i'd rather read a transcript...so much of it is clapping. and i'm not sure what i think just yet...i mean, i know what my gut feelings are, but they're not something i'm ready to share. but i will say that it annoys the crap out me when people compare mccain's military service and obama's lack thereof. why republicans choose this election to focus on military experience in our commander in chief, after we've been in this war for so long, taken here by a man who couldn't even show up for guard duty...pisses me off, frankly. i think it's bullshit to act like that matters now when it didn't then. i can't tell you how many folks were incredulous that i'd voted for john kerry. and while i'm rarely a one issue voter, i pretty much was in that election. because we were in a fucking war.... and i felt like someone who'd elected to serve two tours would be a hell of a lot more likely to guide us wisely than someone who, i admit in my opinion from reading the stories in papers and online, didn't seem to take serving his country or state seriously at all. and i just needed to put that out there...because it's really been eating at me lately. not that i think this alone should decide anything, but it was just bugging me...sigh, and now i feel better. blogs can be so therapeutic...

peace

home

what a lovely weekend. i do not see my stepmother's family often enough.

my grandparents are doing well...they are the ones i've mentioned before that have alzheimer's. but they are on good meds now and doing better than i had heard they were doing. they're a little skinnier and so look a little frailer, but at least they were fairly coherent and sweet and happy to see us, even though they weren't quite sure who all of us were.

we hung out at my uncle's lake house yesterday. the kids got too much sun, had way too much fun, and the adults got a little too crass, but it was all in good fun. i am so, so glad i went. it had been awhile since we'd really gotten to hang out with my dad and stepmom, too. and that was really quite good. and it's always a good time when my sister's around. we are now purple haze buddies...

and while i was gone, sarah palin was picked at the republican vp candidate... i really hate it when stuff like that happens and i'm too busy having fun to obsess over reading about what the hell happened. i've also missed out on checking on gustav's progress. i know my aunt in new orleans is evacuating...moving stuff out of dodge. it's weird when the world goes on without me...and didn't even seem to notice i was gone...snort. (i've been snorting a lot lately...have you noticed this? i have...)

so there are lots of things i want to write about. but we have our first meeting of our inclusive homeschool co-op on tuesday and while i've been mentally preparing, my lesson plan sheets are, well, empty. so i have to work on those things. art with littles, philosophizing with middles. this semester will feed parts of me that i haven't fed so well in a long time. i can't wait to see what the kids will teach me.

peace

ooh-ooh-ooh

that's supposed to be a monkey sound...make it while scratching your armpits...i think you'll get the idea...

so i just paid bills. that's depressing. you can only pay out more than you bring in for so long, you know?... and i know it will settle down...sort of. i mean, july was crazy because we went on vacation. and then august gets a little heavy because i order our stuff for a new year hsing. and pay the registration fees for music classes, sports leagues...oh lord, i haven't even paid for their rock climbing gym membership... it'll settle down. sigh....

i decided not to put the kids in cce classes this semester. i was all geared up to do it. felt like i needed to. see, catholics can be kind of funny in that if you put your kids in catholic classes, catholic schools, take them to church, get them to do their sacraments...and THEN they go bad...well, that's not your fault. you did all you could do. but if you didn't' do all that, well, maybe it is your fault... :) and i know that's not true....but as a parent, you want to do the best you can...provide your children the best opportunities. and i felt like maybe i needed to put them in the classes...but i was struggling so hard with it. my spouse and i are not sure how we feel about this church we're at. and putting the kids in the classes there would anchor us to a place we don't even feel 100% comfortable. so, while talking to my sister last night, it just all became really clear to me. we'll attend church for another year and find the one we're most comfortable at....make it a priority this year. there is no race to get these kids religious-sized.... at least not for us. anymore than there's a race to get them to reach academic milestones before they're ready and it's appropriate for them, for us, for our family. that felt good. and it's not like the kids don't have exposure to faith... i felt kind of dumb for trying so hard to push us into something that clearly wasn't the right thing for us right now. i mean, it was just so clear last night. but it's ok. left foot, right foot, breathe.... and my oldest is fine with the decision. gives him another year to discover on his own, gain some confidence in himself...before i throw him to the wolves...hehe...just joking.

oh, and speaking of kid stuff. lanatron and i were talking about the things we do for our kids...and how expensive those activities can get. i walk through the toy aisle in stores and it almost makes me laugh...my mother would never have bought me toys that cost that much. never. but when paying bills this morning, i was amazed at what i'd forked out in the way of classes for my guys. i mean yes, the-rapist gets a healthy chunk of the checks i write, but flute lessons, piano lessons, robotics stuff, co-op...holy moly. and i paid cash for soccer since i forgot my checkbook, so that one wasn't even in there.... it is important to me to provide the guys these opportunities. mostly because i don't know much about robotics, or how to play any instruments, or biology or soccer... but i also want them to have adults in their lives that they see and have the chance to share space with on a regular basis. so while i do believe it's worth it...oh, i just wish residents were paid a little more than $1400 every two weeks. which is not chump change. it's a fine amount. but with four kids exploring the world and their guides needing a little reimbursement for their time...plus stuff like food, utilities, and house payments....well...we'll be eating a fair amount of rice and beans the rest of this year.

because i don't even want to talk about christmas, ok? and do monkeys really ever worry about money?...doubting it...

i'll be gone for the weekend to return sunday. have a lovely labor day weekend.
peace

a letter

we are starting our fifth year of hsing. when i started hsing, i had one friend i knew that hsed. she started when her oldest was in sixth grade. and that oldest started her sophomore year at the local public high school this year. this friend sent me a letter after my first year of hsing that she wrote me when i first started. but she didn't send it until after my first year was finished. it made me cry to read it because so many things she wrote were so true. and i was so relieved. and it gave me peace...

in my cyber tribe, there's a mama who's on her second year of hsing. and i think she loves it. but there are definitely times that i think she needs to know she's not alone in...and i want to reach out to her and tell her that she's not alone. i was talking to lanatron about it the other night and we talked and shared and supported each other through so many things that i wished this other mama (from the cyber tribe) could've been there to hear. it just helps to know that some of these things are normal, we're not doing it wrong, and it's okay to keep trying even when it feels like we are (you know, doing it wrong).

so i went and searched through my files for this letter because i knew i still had it. and it still brought me more peace. and i thought i'd try to share some of that by posting it here...

Confessions of a homeschooling mom

Marci,

There are some things I want you to know. A few tidbits about this homeschooling life you’re about to embark upon. Things you may not read in those “wonderful” homeschooling books. Things I don’t like to admit in the light of day. But, things, I want you to know, as my friend.

Some of these you’ll have to discover on your own. I’ll try not to take that away from you. I just don’t want you to call me and scream “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

There will be days you think the rest of the world is crazy. You may even equate public school with child abuse. Harken, my friend, and hold those comments. There will be days you are ready to pray to the public school god. Days you lie awake, convinced you are screwing your kids up forever. Days you are so completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of their education. You’ll feel you literally hold their lives in your hands. Days where you believe you’re a failure. And, there will be days you fail.

Let me tell you a few absolutes:

While you’re responsible for their education, you are not the only one they will learn from. At some point, as they grow into adults, they become responsible for the paths they choose. If you don’t give them enough, they will have to seek more. If you have given them a positive view on learning, they will seek and find. We have some influence, they have some control over themselves, God has complete control over it all.

While it is easy to badmouth others for their choices, and choosing to homeschool is a noble choice, there are other families out there who make noble decisions every day. Many do not homeschool. While it is important to honor our individual families and their ways of life, it is equally important to support our sisters who are traveling their journey as well. And, besides, as my father-in-law used to say “one who talks shit, eats shit”.

You will have days you don’t want to homeschool. You will be exhausted. You may even raise your voice with one of those little blessings. It is the same little blessing who you want to instill a love of learning in. Maybe you’re different than I and you won’t raise your voice. But, maybe you will. It will be okay. If they didn’t know it already, your children will learn you are human. They will learn exactly which buttons to push and how to push them efficiently at all the wrong times. You will all learn the meaning of consequences.

You will be brought to your knees. When you bend down to look a child in the eye, hoping it helps explain a difficult concept. You will fall to pick up a wounded child – wounded in a sibling battle that rang out through a “wonderful” homeschooling day. You will stumble to your knees when your ankle twists as you step on a pile of legos. Lastly, at the end of the day, you will fall to your knees, before God, because you have been humbled, frustrated, challenged, rewarded, and blessed by those children. Get used to being on your knees – it’s a favorite place for homeschooling moms.

You will blow off school. This is why we homeschool. Because we want the freedom to say “no, we don’t have to do that today”. There are some days your child will not “learn” academically. He won’t be in that “zone”. The best thing you can do, is respect that. Okay, but, as an adult, when we have those days, we have to pursue, and do it anyway – says the little voice in your head. Well, you’re right. We do. But, he doesn’t. He’s not an adult. So, minimize the tasks at hand, build him up for success, call it a day and go to the park, and later, to McDonald’s for supper.

Days like these, will alarm the analyticalized, standardized-testing, comparison-minded individuals surrounding us (i.e. husbands). We then, have to persevere, not only for ourselves, our children, but for our surrounding family. Just as we trust our bodies, to birth, breastfeed and then trust our children’s bodies to sit, crawl, teethe, walk and run, we must combine such trust with faith with homeschooling and learning. I don’t mean the faith that the sun will rise tomorrow, or the kind of faith that says, things are better at the light of day, I’m talking the kind of faith that says we know a man died on the cross for us and rose again 3 days later. It is a faith that learning takes time, learning doesn’t have to happen in just one institutionalized way. Learning happens when playing legos with a little brother, or spending quiet time outside under a shade tree – or (gasp!) at the park and McDonald’s. It’s like the amount of breastmilk a baby gets….how much each feeding? The answer is “enough”.

Whether you homeschool for one week, one month, a year or a lifetime, you will always cherish those days. You’ll remember them as the days you stopped time and spent it with your children. It’ll become the time the dishes piled in the sink for a long time and paper plates became a means of survival – because, well, because N had exams, was never home to study because the kids were there; the time you built teepees in the living room and let the kids sleep in them for a week because s was studying pre-Columbus native Americans; it’ll be the times you crawled to your bed, dragging a laughing e who came with you solely because he could maintain that latch; it’ll be the time you look back on and think…”Why did I worry? How much can they learn in elementary school anyway?”; although, I don’t know for sure, I suspect this is what it will be like.

You will grapple with things. Grapple with issues like peanut butter again or cereal for lunch? Grapple with beginnings and endings….did we study it enough, did we learn it? Is there more? Trust me, there’s always more…..they will tell you when it’s enough….

Much like I grapple with this letter, although I started it last spring, it wasn’t right to send it your way…it wouldn’t have made sense…but now is the time…however, this is not the end…(see: previous paragraph: grappling)…..

And now, this is the letter I told you about, I’m sending it today, a year later, because the Holy Spirit said, “It is time, and tell her to let N read it, too.” So, hey, it’s not just that I only now had the time to download it to a thumbnail drive and then transfer it to a puter where I can email it…it’s because God said “It is time, my daughters.”

Peas and love

i removed her name because i didn't ask her before i posted this. but i am forever grateful that she was courageous enough to write this and share her wisdom and honesty.
peace

resting for a minute

it has been some dynamic times lately. seems like they always are, to be honest. but getting through a particularly busy summer, full of things you are awake and aware of...that's something, too. lots of growing, lots of learning...i'm tired, to be honest. and there's so much going on this next semester... i'm sure it will be fine. i spoke to my dh about it and let out a little of the steam that was building...it was good. of course, then he got all bent out of shape over some skirts on his way out the door, so maybe it stressed him out some, i don't know... i do know that he and i both will get through the next few years with a lot of support and a lot of faith....and prayers and meditation and probably wine, too.

so why the picture? my five year old is proud beyond words at his math book... he's an official kindergartner...well, as official as we get around here. and the fact that he asks me five times a day to help him with his math, and tells me as many times how much he loves math, and expects me to drop everything to do said math...well, i may not show it each time i'm asked, but i do love it. as always, it's awesome watching your child find something they love. (and yes, we often do our school work in our underwear around here...)

peace

head vs. water...who will end up on top?

well, maybe it's not that dramatic...but i thought it was a good title...

we've just taken on a lot this semester. and while i think it is all very exciting and worthwhile stuff...and while i believe my family is at a point to be able to work cooperatively to achieve these goals we have set for this semester...and while i KNOW i'm not the only person who has any responsibility in maintaining the course we've laid out...i'm a little, uh, nervous. it's a lot of stuff...really, really cool stuff...a lot...yeah.

rock climbing again...woo-hoo! piano and flute lessons still...coolness. the cooperative effort has worked out and is a go...very, very exciting. robotics...two teams, no less...what more could a mama ask for? how about soccer?...but we haven't heard back on that one. and then there's ccd...or cce...whatever they're calling it these days. i plan to put the boys in those classes, too. they haven't taken a ccd class in five years. why? i don't know...i'm just not highly motivated to put them in classes pertaining to things as personal as religion when i don't feel i know who will be teaching them. and i realize children learn by example...and i must be providing some sort of example for them...i just have no idea what it is, because i've been so focused on other things. and i don't know why i could maintain a focus with the kids on religion, but i just couldn't. so i'd like them to get at least a year of class. plus i think it might quench my oldest's curiosity about girls...there are a ton of girls in catholicism....snort. i'll just have to keep him away from those preacher's kids...wink.

i worry that i feel so anxious and it hasn't even, you know, started or anything. and i didn't run today...so don't ask if i took my medicine. but i worked hard outside in the yard laying soaker hoses around my foundation and covering the ones in the backyard with hardware cloth...to keep the dogs from ripping them up and pissing me off, i mean challenging my balance. i even have the blisters and poked up hands to prove it. i'm going to try waking up early to run in the morning...the things i'll do to try to stay sane. (rolling eyes here...)

and tomorrow i have some friends coming over. it's under the pretense of a meeting, but i'm just happy to have them over. i don't know why i don't invite folks over more often. well, i often have the problem of wanting to invite everyone if i'm inviting anyone. and then i never feel like my house is clean and always worry people will be grossed out by some nastiness i don't know is there because, well, i'm not great at cleaning. but that just sounds stupid as i type it so whatever.

i do want to finish painting the house this summer so i can put the painting crap away.

sigh...i'm just not sure who's going to end up on top...but i suppose i should stop struggling and being so stiff if i want it to be my head...haha, that's funny. i have to get out of my head so much to keep my head on top. made myself smile...
peace

ramble on (again)

i'm cutting back on caffeine this week...green tea in the mornings instead of my usual half caff coffee. so this may be more pessimistic than i really think i feel. but there are so many things bumping around in my head that i promised myself last night i'd get up and blog this morning.

i'm going to do this ala lanatron...

homeschooling... our co-op is on. and i'm excited about it. but i have less than a month to prepare for it, and i'm a little nervous, i guess. i am really grateful for the opportunities it's providing for my kids and their journeys. i was getting kind of worn out trying to meet all of their needs educationally, particularly since little bit is five today and starting "kindergarten" and going to have his own needs to be met. (well, he always did, i realize, but now he's ready to really be a part of things, you know?)

i waver a lot between believing that my guys are where they need to be and anxiety about what if i die and will they transition well to school? ok, i don't really worry about dying. but i do worry if they're "measuring up"...but then i remind myself about the yardstick they're being measured against and, while i don't embrace it totally, i can't deny is the pervasive yardstick. so while i'm feeling good about things, it is that time of year where, as i prepare for next year, i can't seem to help but reexamine all the reasons i do this and make sure my guiding principles are still working for us. which is a good thing, i realize, but not so very productive when you have these syllabuses (spellcheck says it's not syllabi...) to be creating, so is also kind of stressful.

intimacy... i think this is what was captivating me in those vampire books. meyers has a pretty terrific hand at capturing the energy of intimacy with her words. and the books are clean...none of the usual bloodbath/orgy typical of vampire books. i mean, they aren't blood-less or sex-less, but she focuses more on the energy of things than the mechanics.

anyway... i mentioned my almost fourteen year old was reading these. and we talked a little about how she captures the feelings involved in sex without describing the details of it. (we also mentioned that the characters didn't actually do it until they were married...i'm sorry, i couldn't help myself, i am a mother now...) but it's kind of weird to think of my teen reading something that i felt was pretty heavily threaded with such intimate energy... partly because i know he is craving it, whether or not he thinks of it that way. partly because i don't always know how to meet my own needs for intimacy. there's just so many different ways to do it... like parenting (myself?), where you have so many options available, you often fall into a rut of a few different things, getting frustrated when they don't work completely, forgetting how many different ways there are of doing things, looking at things, shifting things... i know i'm getting vague here. but it's mostly because i'm trying to say what i mean without listing all the things i don't mean...and it seems that's about all i have on this one.

mystery... since i was talking about parenting and since i think it's a part of intimacy, too... this is another aspect of life i've been thinking about a lot. i'll be thinking about stuff, life, whatnot...and working through my thoughts...and there is often this feeling like i should be able to figure something out...arrive at some definite conclusion, answer, life lesson. but lately, it often comes down to the fact that there is just some mystery to life, things i am not meant to understand in my head and that i need to work on my confidence in understanding in my heart. and while i feel frustrated when i bump into this mystery sometimes, i know i wouldn't wish the world to be different. ok, well, there are some things i would probably wish different...and regret later...but the mystery part? no...i wouldn't wish that away.

oh! and politics....but really, it's the internet... my mother has been sending me these anti-obama emails lately. not like personally written emails, imploring me to turn away from the dark democrats, but forwards....and i rarely read forwards to begin with, but i find political forwards particularly distasteful. i realize people are passionate about politics. but taking some small fact and turning into something totally irrelevant and barely true just to create a negative emotional response to something, well, it pisses me off. it's fighting dirty. it gets people so stressed and is just a general waste of energy. sheesh. can't we choose one candidate without villainizing the other? but mostly, i just wish my mom would chill out about this stuff or leave me out of it. i finally responded to one of her emails and she almost bit my head off, telling me what a long-standing, proud member of the republican party she is and how rock solid her opinions are...how i'm just sore because hillary didn't get the nomination, but how all the democrats would screw the country up. geez.... i'll hit delete on the rest of her forwards, but why does she have to send them to me in the first place? i get tired of people assuming if you're diplomatic that you aren't passionate, too. but it's fine...i'm working on letting it go...

running... my next half marathon is in november. but my spouse's schedule is funky this month and doesn't leave me much time for training. it's a drag. i think that the energy i am not letting go with running is going to make me a nervous, crazy wreck. but that's just my opinion. i should've run this morning. it was seventy-five degrees here this morning. i don't think we've had a temperature that cool since april or may... and i blew it blogging. well, i also laid on the couch with the sliding glass door open and enjoyed the temperature for a few minutes. i can't wait for fall...

ok...ramble off (again)
peace

working out of sorts

man, i've been kind of a messy blogger lately....kind of james joyce-y, but not intentional or brilliant at all... just fragmented all over the place. but that's pretty much me lately....

i have struggled with feeling weak, feeling wrong, feeling unworthy because of previously mentioned feelings... a lot of this is just who i am. a lot of it has to do with how the parts of me that were already mine to begin with, were reinforced and shaped in my childhood. (by adults who had plenty of their own shit going on, i might add.) but as i live and keep going, i have choices about awareness and responsibility. it's like working out...it may be uncomfortable at times, but there is an end result in mind...a certain freedom in fitness that i am looking for. just as i first wanted to just be able to run thirteen miles....now i want to run thirteen miles quickly...then maybe twenty-six...i want to be able to navigate relationships more easily, more quickly, more freely...and feel a little less like i'm going to die at the end of them...snort. but this requires a fitness in myself and myself only and that's what i'm working on.

we have been busy today. we are still healing from whatever badness visited us over the weekend, but the kids still wanted to go to rock climbing today. they'd missed physical activity for a week. so we went. now they're kind of lethargic, but i think they're glad they worked themselves out pretty hard. i am proud of them and inspired by them as they learn to listen to themselves and take care of themselves....with a little help from me....sometimes.

we are wrapping up some of our hsing efforts for the year. we've been wrapped up, but now we're "testing"/wrapping up....yeah, time to put our money where our mouths are...or something like that. anyway, it's going well...which is a good thing, because after the month i've had, i don't know how i'd handle bad news right now. even though somewhere inside me the answer is, "like you have been all month" but whatever... it's going well and i'm grateful and look forward to a little closure, although i know we'll be working diligently on things all throughout the summer.

switching subject...emily and amy are humping each other. rather, emily keeps humping amy. and amy squeals a lot as though maybe she's not liking it. well, that was yesterday. they seem to have things worked out for today. which i hope is a sort of permanent arrangement because i read that mice ovulate every three days and that could really put a damper on our enjoyment of our new residents if they have to work this out every time one of them ovulates... but i will say that it amazes me the dominant animals that i have brought into our home...and me not really liking all those shows of dominance and stuff. but one on one, i didn't notice those traits. and in a big group of mice, emily wasn't humping anyone. but get them in the right environment...like say, my house...and the diva or hulk or whatever comes out... i remind myself that my fish never showed dominance, but then who am i kidding? oscar ATE other fish...

ok, back to work. left foot, right foot, breathing....
peace

life church

i knew shortly after moving here that it was a very christian place. a lot of businesses advertise that they're christian...mechanics, therapists, second hand stores. it's everywhere.

i've known since i started homeschooling, that texas is a very christian state. and a lot of homeschoolers homeschool for religious reasons. and i've shared a lot of space with homeschoolers who homeschool for religious reasons even though i am not one of them. we've cheered kids on at baseball games, watched our kids play their hearts out in p.e. classes and on playgrounds, and also watched them learn robotics side by side.

i've loved some of these friends. and i can be respectful of their beliefs, and other beliefs of people i haven't met, when they are quite different from mine. i will admit it's often better if we don't discuss how different our beliefs are...i know there are people who think homosexuals will go to hell...and even though i don't believe in hell to begin with, it still hurts me to hear this because there are people i love deeply that are homosexual. so there's that....

today, i walked into my teenager's room to find him shredding something up. i asked him what it was and he got teary eyed. he said it was something a young man at rock climbing gave him and that it was stupid. we talked about it. apparently, it was a pamphlet asking if he was good enough to get into heaven and what my son walked away with after reading and pondering it for two weeks was no, he wasn't. it defined faith and love in ways that were impossible for him to embrace and while he didn't agree with it, he was still tremendously frustrated and angered by the message that he wasn't good enough if he couldn't embrace what this pamphlet said. at the bottom of the pamphlet, it made sure to say that it had been given to him by someone who obviously loved him so that he should be sure and share his love....

i cannot fully describe how i feel. i feel a lot of things. i held my thirteen year old son while he sobbed because he was so afraid, in a deep, deep place, that nothing he does will be good enough, not even for God. and obviously he didn't just develop that from reading a little pamphlet. i know he feels this way. so there are all those feelings...did i parent him too harshly? did i expect perfection or something too close to it? but i believe much of that is just who he was always meant to be. i don't deny i've had a hand in it, but i also don't claim to be able to sort out exactly what it was. we are too complicated.

i am angry someone printed a pamphlet that was so defeating. it asked all these big questions, gave them all very negative answers, and then provided a very narrow course of action. i'm frustrated someone put it in the hands of a fourteen year old boy and told him to hand it out to his friends to show his love. again, i am angered at the idea of love being something that hurts someone... i'm not angry at the boy. or his parents. his mom is nice...i talk to her sometimes. i know her son likes my son, and my son likes hers, too. i don't think this pamphlet will affect that.

i'm glad it ended up in his hands, sort of. because it allowed us to discuss a lot of stuff this morning...and he had a lot to say, once he stopped sobbing. but i think he needed to get some of that out. and maybe it'll help shape the course of his adult faith and spiritual life...i don't know.

it's just been a crazy God week. we've been invited to join "skaters for christ"...by a scowling woman in a "jesus" shirt. there've been horrendous arguments on a couple of homeschooling boards i'm on about the national day of silence that isn't even until april 25th. arguments centering on tolerance and inclusivity that sometimes mock those very concepts...

i am so often challenged in my own faith by being a homeschooler in texas. i've often said that faith is not a pristine white garment we put on and should expect to keep clean, even fight to keep clean. that faith is like the very mud this earth is made of...that we should be able to roll around in it, wash it off, wade back in, and cover ourselves in it. that it should be dynamic and able to flow and swirl...handle splashing and sliding and slinging. but that we should love it, appreciate it, be amazed by the amazing thing that it is.

it has been one of those weeks...one of those weeks where i feel like i need to wash it off and try again. but i don't think i will. i cried a lot in the shower this morning. i had absorbed a lot of my son's energy and needed to release it and what sweet release that was. i probably even washed off a little of my faith mud. but it is what we are all composed of and i have no doubt those parts will be covered again in time.

but for what it's worth, i do have parts of me i try to keep clean. pride tells me those parts should not get dirty, be hurt. righteous indignation tells me i have a right to keep those parts above the rest of the stuff down there getting muddy. and i know in my heart of hearts, that once i allow it all to sink into the mud, then i'll know true peace.

i'll get there one day... i believe we're all headed there in our own ways.
peace