Sunday, May 6, 2007

ahem, i am feeling true to myself

i have always been a person who liked to please others. i mean, understand, i get pleasure out of doing it...more like a high...a get the picture. but this means that what i want, or what i think is right, or WHATEVER has often been determined by whatever whoever i'm trying to please thinks...not by my own values, ethics, morals. (ok, wait a minute... i do have values, ethics, and morals. i'm just not good at choosing a course of action that is always true to them because sometimes it just didn't occur to me that what i was doing to please someone else might be not ok to me in my own head)

ok, i'm starting to sound like a nut job here. and maybe i truly am a nut job. but if i am, then it feels good to be honest about it. i am tired of pleasing others, and rejuvenated by doing what i think is right. by apologizing when i've pissed someone off, even if i didn't mean to...but SAYING that i didn't mean to and not changing myself for that. sometimes i can do the same thing over and over, and it's not until that person is stressed about something specific that that same thing pisses them off, offends them, hurts them. and then i can say i'm sorry, but i don't have to write it down and remember never to do that again. EPIPHANY!!! (i realize this may be inborn for some...i think so for my spouse...but i am just now learning this in my 30s...and i'm not even fucking ashamed, so there) :)

for the first fucking time in a few weeks, i am ok with being me. god, i needed this. now i need to clean an aquarium...truly.


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