Monday, May 7, 2007

i wish i knew how to quiet my head

i bet americans say this more than any other nationality... why are our heads so noisy? is it preservatives? environmental pollutants? vaccinations? shampoo? hairspray? lotion? cell phones? fluoride? insect repellent? patriarchy? television? not enough physical activity? lack of vitamins? too much take-out? too much instant gratification? not enough Jesus? too much Jesus? i just don't know....

i have this chorus of voices in my head that are painful, actually... not really, but my head often pulses with the drone of second guessing, doubt, anxiety... it's like i'd love someone to accept me in my messed up entirety. and i know that's where Jesus comes in, or self-acceptance, or co-dependency....haha i have this girlfriend who just doesn't think that much about it. well, she actually says it's short term memory failure. i wish i could have that... (that just sounds sick)

part of the loudness is that my heart is breaking. but it is ok. it gets to be put back together again, heal, and be a little stronger. (although, secretly i worry that it's really too large and i'll probably die young...right after i get through this terrible decade or so and right when i start to actually get good at shit, i'll probably drop dead of a fucking heart attack...all the fried chicken, lack of exercise, and self-induced the obvious mental illness) anyway, i just thought i'd put a little of this out there. give my head a chance to quiet at least a bit. feels really alone sometimes. how's that? so much loneliness... so many fucking people standing around being lonely. i may have to figure out a way to draw that...


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