Sunday, May 24, 2009

emotionally fried

not really, but i'm all high school hormonal and that's just the exaggerated phrase that comes to mind...

first of all, i am tired. i slept well last night, but after staying out late for the indigo girls concert thursday and then being up with a constantly coughing five year old friday night, i am sleepy. said five year old continued to cough all day yesterday, which was emotional in that one, i could not figure out how to settle the cough and that sort of helplessness is one i do not surrender to well at all and two, we spent the day with family which meant lots of, "oh, he sounds awful" and "geez, what's he got?" and "i don't know, are you sure it's just allergies?" and "has he seen a doctor?" and bla bla bladdy bla bla which only compounded the previously mentioned helpless feeling. last night, though, the five year old crashed the hell out on the way home and stayed asleep and quiet in his humidified room (with some benadryl and cough syrup on board). it was blissful to all who were allowed to sleep along with.

now, i'm also feeling fried because there are some issues going on with family that i could recount. (ok, i already have recounted...that lanatron...she deserves sainthood...) but i won't spend the time doing that because while there are issues that are heartbreaking and truly lend themselves to all sorts of mindfucking, the point of the whole thing is that my choices in this situation are not central and don't need to be the focus of anything but say, what i think about as i wash my hair or do the dishes. all i can do is pray and be supportive when my path crosses into this situation. and that's what i've been doing, so it shouldn't take a lot of energy to maintain a path. others in the situation may be changing tact, adn they may be getting ready to send some giant assed fucking waves slamming into everyone else, but...they may not be. and i have no control over that and need to stop worrying about it because, as far as i know, worry has not been proven to change a damned thing other than, perhaps, shortening one's life span...but i'm not sure those studies were conclusive.

remember the other day when i mentioned how tricky "so honey, how was your day?" can get... well, i was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner in the e.r. and she said the thing that just named the heart of my feelings..."in situations like that, there is just no right answer..." yeah, what she said. i don't really like giving details of the situations that arise with my spouse's work...hippa and all. but i think it's pretty obvious that in ob/gyn, there arise many questions about mother's life vs. baby's life...quality of those lives...termination of lives...decisions that affect both...when my spouse and i discuss these issues, we often play "devil's advocate" to each other's points of view. at least this is what i think's not like we declare it or anything. i think we just feel the complexity of the issues and keep trying to shine light in the weaker parts of each other's arguments.

anyway...there are no right answers...that was as though someone had stated the most simple yet most central truth in my thoughts lately. there are no right answers in this stuff with my family. there are no right answers when it comes to hsing. we each have to find our own answers...the ones we can live with...the ones that seem the truest to us...the ones we feel benefit what we hold most dear...and these are not always easy choices...they often require a lot of strength...the kind of strength i cannot gain by lifting weights or running or whatever...they require a kind of strength i find difficult these days...the ability to quiet my mind and listen to my heart...i am eating junk food lately and filling my mind with quite a bit of junk, too...distractions, computer games, really does feel like high school....all these feelings, all this anxiety, no desire to act. of course, it isn't always like this, thank is a drag when it is like this, but it's not constant. and i definitely think it is exacerbated by other factors...being tired, for example...spending lots of time with family and their issues...eating junk food...

but now that i've gotten this off my chest, i think i'll go get some stuff done. i think the-rapist calls it recharging or filling my tank or blessing myself, nurturing myself, something like that. in high school, i just slept a lot. but it's not completely high school all over again...


No comments: