swimming

or treading water...

hormones are amazing things...propelling our bodies forward...preparing them for what the future holds...even when our brains just can't wrap around the future.

yesterday was such a blue kind of day. ugh. but today's a little better. i mean, it's early yet...i guess i could still go either way, but i'm feeling like it'll be a little better. yesterday, nothing was making it better. well, i didn't actually buy any fried chicken, so that may have made it better, i guess i'll never know... but it was just one of those "sit in it" kind of days...because i just wasn't motivated to do anything. and i was a little worried... but then i thought about how i'd probably feel better if i just went to bed early. and it was kind of hard. because my spouse and second born left for four days this morning...and i really wanted to be in a better place the night before...but sometimes i want blue or brown eyes or cooler weather or to have a bigger house and, well, wanting it doesn't just change what is. so i went to bed early. and woke up again and again thinking surely my spouse had fallen asleep on a floor somewhere and would be late meeting the other dad and robo-kiddo going on the trip. but i'd find him getting his stuff together somewhere...probably enjoying that i wasn't tsking or sighing every time he'd reach for something he wanted to take that i didn't think he needed, wanting us to go to bed at a decent hour, being frustrated he was keeping us up. (i guess i have some stuff to work on there...when i'm not always exhausted and feel the need to stay up and be "helpful"....)

so i woke up in a better mood today. woke the whole house up to say good-bye to our family members who'd be gone. wish them luck. tell them how much fun they'd have. (ok, my spouse wasn't the one who needed all the reassurance...second born was a little nervous about the whole thing...and rightfully so...this is big stuff...exciting, cool, fun stuff...i'm thrilled for him)

i'm actually kind of glad my spouse will be gone for awhile. sometimes, when i'm having a rough time, i want him to help me out. which is nice and he tries, but when i'm feeling really low, he's really no help. he doesn't know what to do. he wants to help me the way i want the house clean...i really, really want it...i know it will make lots of things better and it's important to me...but there are so many more attractive distractions and i really only get around to doing something about it a fraction of the time i wish i did. and i'm okay with this. i don't particularly like wading into the depths of my spouse's personal shit, anymore than i like cleaning bathrooms. so it's good for him to leave for a bit, so i can find my own feet again. i just wrote about depression being a hole we fall down, down, down in...waiting for someone or something to grab us and stop the descent...and it's not until we realize that we're the ones that have to stop it by standing on our own two feet that we actually stop sinking lower. i realized that last night. that with dh leaving, i'd probably find my feet. and it was good. i mean, it's not like i had to kick him out...we already had this trip planned...good stuff. things working out, and all that jazz.

there are a lot of things i am working through, i guess. and the extra hormones are making it all feel like i'm trying to do this in fog and on drugs or something. i don't know... plus i think i have allergies going on, but i'm in denial, which means i'm not doing my neti pot, which means i'm having allergies and not helping myself...what is that mechanism??? it's so not helpful but so deeply ingrained in me. anyway...i'm actually using my writing journal lately. i guess some stuff is kind of deep and feels too raw to put on a blog. i'd like to think if i air a bit, look it over on paper, i'd find it not so big and scary and go ahead and write about it here. i've stopped writing much at all, and i'm sure that's not helping me either. i also need to get back on the treadmill regularly...but i think these are probably things i'll move back towards...now that i've got a few days on my own...where who's responsible for what is a little clearer. i'm optimistic...and that itself feels like sunshine.

peace