still here, still hormonal

but doing alright...

there are so many things i think about in a day. so many things i feel passionately about...at least for that minute i'm thinking it. i guess in some ways, it's good to revisit this tripped out hormonal state...because i had forgotten how maddening and debilitating it can be (and i think it will help me be empathetic as my guys approach or wallow in teen-hood). i can't even beat my high score on this word game i love because 1. my fingers won't type right...i mean, if i told you how many times i have to back up and retype stuff because i keep hitting the wrong keys, you'd probably cry for me and 2. i can't remember how to spell anything...seriously. i just can't. and i'm blaming it all on the hormones. i talked to my kids about this yesterday, and it's like now my teenager "gets" me...he's really nice...or at least, if i snap at him, he doesn't snap back. he just gives me this look full of empathy, pats my shoulder, and walks away... he even let me hit him with a pillow yesterday...and i think that was kind of hard for him because i don't have ninja like reflexes and i'm pretty sure he saw it coming...but he didn't block it. he said it looked like i needed that.

i was trying to support my sil through some stuff with my nephew the other day, but apparently, i don't offer the kind of support she's looking for. so there i was, all ready to give support, and she was avoiding me. it was kind of hurting my feelings until i realized i was trying to help her and that if she wasn't ready for it, i really should back the hell off. oh yeah... so even though that was a little slow in coming, at least i got there....

i told my spouse that my therapist said it would be hard for me to get my needs met in a house full of males...and he got kind of pissed and wanted to know if that was his fault. uhm...i wasn't really prepared for that response. so i asked him if he was having trouble getting some of his own needs met. (well, i should, for the sake of honesty, explain that the first part happened one night and i didn't actually ask him about his needs for another two days...i was pretty pissed at his reaction to my attempt to explain how much it sucks to be so hormonal in a house of selfish, er, i mean men used to me taking care of my own needs...so that's how that went down.) now, he's going to help me try to get the house cleaned up/organized/decluttered. we're picking a project a night...but i know me...we'll be taking some nights off. i'm kind of over the "super-tired" hump, but i found a "yep, still-tired" plateau right on the other side...sigh.

oh, and my sil gave me a diaper bag. it's kind of huge. and she was showing me all the compartments and changing mats and "features"...etc...and i told her she was giving me a little bit of an anxiety attack... oh! and then later that night, over dinner, my husband was talking about the money he would've made if he would've stayed a pharmacist for eight years instead of doing this medical school thing...omg...it's almost enough to drive a pregnant woman to drink. i mean, it was enough for my sil to hand me the wine bottle...sigh.

see, it's not that i don't want to be pregnant. it's just that i was kind of used to being a mom of four...four who were pretty independent and stuff. i mean, there were days and such, but i'm a little insecure about my ability to handle nights with a newborn (ok, this makes me throw up in my mouth just a little), and tantrums, and the mess...oh lord, the mess...i mean, it's not like we don't make messes, too, it's just that baby and toddler messes are so sticky... ok, i must stop myself...this serves no one. i am looking forward to folding a fresh load of clean diapers. smelling new baby smells. hearing those tiny little cries that are (god willing) pretty easy to silence by meeting that need... those moments when you get to eat with two hands because some lovely person has shown up and been charmed by the baby and won't let go... smiles and laughs. big brothers wrapping willingly around that tiny little finger. it'll be good...hell, it'll probably be great. our fourth born was the best idea we never had...and i remember looking at him on his second birthday, my eyes filling with tears, and thinking "what would we ever do without you?" and i can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy that i look forward to every week of...because i really think i may need each of those weeks to prepare for this..."wrap my brain around it" as my therapist and therapist friend like to say (apparently they learn these phrases in school or something). and that is ok...

peace