Friday, May 15, 2009


she wears me out sometimes....

my dad has always told me variety is the spice of life. the times i've continued to whine, he usually tells me that the world would be a boring place if we all thought the same which i usually respond that it could be a little less of a cluster fuck if we weren't so damned different. it caught me off guard on mother's day when my mother told me the same thing...that the world would be pretty miserable if everyone was the same. now, these parents gave birth to me, so they have that in common. but not so much in common outside of that...and even when it comes to me, our relationships are so, so very different. so there was something kind of cosmic about both of my parents (who have not lived together since about five months after i was born) telling me this.

and i usually embrace diversity. it's something i love about life...for the most part. so why do i whine about it all the time?... i guess it just wears me out sometimes. or maybe i can take it in smallish doses, but when a huge dose comes at me, it's tiring. i don't know.

having a spouse who is an ob/gyn is another thing that wears me out. there are so many "morally ambiguous" issues in ob/gyn. "hi honey, how was your day?" can lead to the most challenging discussions...and when you were just asking a question to create some conversation while you're finishing up dinner prep or resting for a minute before you start the next can be challenges you just don't feel up to. because my spouse and i are pretty diverse. we don't always see eye to eye on these morally ambiguous issues. and while we both try to embrace diversity and often appreciate it, it is not something we particularly enjoying uncovering in our own relationship...and i can at least say i think we both agree on that point...neither of us enjoys it in our relationship. well, when it comes to these issues. it's hard because he is still a baby baby doctor...still young in finding his groove in this career. he loves it, i'm pretty sure. i don't think i've ever seen him more content. but these gray areas are still new to him and he's still finding his feelings and ideas about practicing and handling these issues. and i don't think it particularly helps him out when his wife doesn't agree with or challenges his choices. but i'm not challenging them because i want to challenge him...most of this stuff i've never even thought about. and it's hard stuff. things no one really wants to think about. so maybe i should try to listen and then go sort out my feelings with someone else... i don't know.

diversity is is. but it is challenging. and challenge has to be the goal...otherwise, we just stay frozen, right? and i know after i run a half marathon, i expect to rest the next day. but after one of these half marathon conversations, which i rarely have time to actually train for, i don't always expect to rest...but i usually need to. let things heal up and get a little stronger. it's how we respond to challenge. i need to just learn to embrace that, now...


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