hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

nudges

sometimes i feel like i am groping along, in the dark, trying to find my way...trying to be brave and willing to move forward a little, even though i probably spend a lot of time in one spot. and then, something happens, and the metaphorical hand comes out of nowhere, grabs mine, and all of a sudden, i'm not so alone...my heart steadies, my head stops hurting and trying to project itself forward, i can rest where i am, move forward a little more naturally, and not be so damned afraid.

there are many things that have been that hand in my life. certainly family, friends, people i've crossed paths with, shared space with...some for not too long, others much longer. my cyber-mama tribe, definitely. music. books.

last week, i picked up grace (eventually) by anne lamott. i have read every one of anne lamott's books, seen her in person, listened to her give lectures. i was not too far away from becoming an anne lamott stalker the first year i started reading her...she was one of my best friends, she just didn't know it yet. and i guess she still doesn't know it...but i do like her tremendously.

i harvested some quotes from her essay nudges. it's the first essay in the section forgivishness. the quote on the divider page for forgivishness is by sally kempton, "It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." this whole section is like a salve to me....

"If my heart were a garden, it would be in bloom with roses and wrinkly Indian poppies and wild flowers. There would be two unmarked tracts of scorched earth, and scattered headstones covered with weeds and ivy and moss, a functioning compost pile, great tangles of blackberry bushes, and some piles of trash I've meant to haul away for years."

"My friend Father Tom says that when we appear before God, God will say, 'I love you very much. I forgive you all your crap. Now go clean up you mess, and then come into heaven, because lunch is waiting.'"

"They were spiritual in the same way I was and am, which is to say devout, with a sometimes bad attitude, a black sense of humor, and tendencies toward gossip and character assassination. We hit it off instantly."

"Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I've had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn't mean there's less for me. In fact, I know that there isn't even a pie, that there's plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.

But I don't believe it for a second.

I secretly believe there's a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing a fork."

"I did not explain or justify my triggers--the jealousy, especially, because trigger implies weapons, weapons imply aim, aim implies combat, combat implies engagement. All I wanted was to feel less engaged, less stuck: I wanted to let it go, which is so not my strong suit, any more than forgiveness is. I wanted to be a person of peace, who diminishes hurt in the world, instead of perpetrating it.

But I felt scared. Will they write back, and what will they write, and what if they don't? What if they're reading my letter out loud and snickering, or reading it to their friends from the picnic, and they're all comparing notes on how crazy I am? Maybe they forgive me, maybe they don't. But I finally, finally forgive me; sort of-ish. No curtain of light or soft angel voices, but the understanding that forgiving myself makes it possible to forgive them, too. Maybe this is grace, or simply the passage of time. Whatever you want to call this, I'll take it. I paid through the nose for this one."

peace

better day

i just watched that alanis video i posted. i watched some of it before i posted it, but not the whole thing. i really like that video...her, singing her song, as she's driving a car or whatever while a parade is going on around her. how fitting. what's more chaotic than a parade? "no one's really got it figured out just yet...but everything is just fine." the song is still working for me today.

i had a really good counselling session yesterday. i'm supposed to send my sister an email explaining why it was a good session...to see if there's anything she might benefit from hearing. but i can't exactly explain what made it a good session. i know there are some things my counselor is understanding about me. and that allows her to talk about them as though they are, in fact, a part of me and not something that means i need to be locked away lest i further harm or humiliate humanity. at one point she told me i remind her of her father who always marched to the beat of a different drum. that was kind of weird for me....because while i know i have a different beat, vibrate on a different frequency, whatever, i also kind of try to believe i am a lot like everyone else, too. so her saying that so casually felt kind of like she was "outing" me or something, i don't know. but it was alright, too. because i could tell she really loves her father, so there's always that... (that my the-rapist loves me? no...that's not what i meant, although i thought it was a weird statement, too...i meant that my children might be able to love me, take me seriously, not think i'm a weirdo kind of stuff)

anyway...i'm still working on what i was calling boundary setting before. and there is a boundary setting component to it. but it also has a lot to do with not just letting the other person define the relationship i share with them. so in teaching me to set boundaries, the-rapist was also teaching me to take responsibility in proactively defining my relationships...whether they're working or not, whatever... i've been working on communication with my spouse and i think it's going well, although he does get a little what i'll call "edgy" sometimes. and i try to maintain a sense of humor while maintaining my dignity, too. it is actually going quite well.

we went to the drive in last night to see the new indiana jones movie. the kids loved the drive in experience. they also got to go home with different friends after park day yesterday. for a couple of hours, but it's a start. i can see the potential for community here. these women already have such a strong one established. and they are all so, so very different. it's cool to watch them enjoy the good stuff in each other, ignore kindly the stuff they don't see eye to eye on, and support each other's children and families so well. i am humble and nervous and honored to be asked to join them....sure i will screw stuff up, but willing to try. because i've learned i need to work on my ability to ask for and accept help. but i think these women will work with me on it. and probably smile a lot in the process. if i let them share space with me. which i've been kind of reluctant about because, well, i haven't felt like i would enhance anyone's space lately. but i think they're letting me know they're still waiting... i don't know. i think the kids are enjoying the community, too.

ok, well, i have my spouse for the rest of tonight. it was kind of sexy to go to sleep with him in my bed and then wake up with him in my bed....sexy in a luxurious kind of way. made me feel like when we first moved in together...woo-hoo, made me feel young. (yes, it's been THAT long...oh, and i'm not talking about sex here...i really am just talking about him being there)

so we went to a bug show (as in volkswagen) this morning and hung out with a few friends and family, and now we're home to do some work on the house. i'm looking forward to it...everything really is just fine.
peace