Saturday, May 24, 2008

better day

i just watched that alanis video i posted. i watched some of it before i posted it, but not the whole thing. i really like that video...her, singing her song, as she's driving a car or whatever while a parade is going on around her. how fitting. what's more chaotic than a parade? "no one's really got it figured out just yet...but everything is just fine." the song is still working for me today.

i had a really good counselling session yesterday. i'm supposed to send my sister an email explaining why it was a good see if there's anything she might benefit from hearing. but i can't exactly explain what made it a good session. i know there are some things my counselor is understanding about me. and that allows her to talk about them as though they are, in fact, a part of me and not something that means i need to be locked away lest i further harm or humiliate humanity. at one point she told me i remind her of her father who always marched to the beat of a different drum. that was kind of weird for me....because while i know i have a different beat, vibrate on a different frequency, whatever, i also kind of try to believe i am a lot like everyone else, too. so her saying that so casually felt kind of like she was "outing" me or something, i don't know. but it was alright, too. because i could tell she really loves her father, so there's always that... (that my the-rapist loves me? no...that's not what i meant, although i thought it was a weird statement, too...i meant that my children might be able to love me, take me seriously, not think i'm a weirdo kind of stuff)

anyway...i'm still working on what i was calling boundary setting before. and there is a boundary setting component to it. but it also has a lot to do with not just letting the other person define the relationship i share with them. so in teaching me to set boundaries, the-rapist was also teaching me to take responsibility in proactively defining my relationships...whether they're working or not, whatever... i've been working on communication with my spouse and i think it's going well, although he does get a little what i'll call "edgy" sometimes. and i try to maintain a sense of humor while maintaining my dignity, too. it is actually going quite well.

we went to the drive in last night to see the new indiana jones movie. the kids loved the drive in experience. they also got to go home with different friends after park day yesterday. for a couple of hours, but it's a start. i can see the potential for community here. these women already have such a strong one established. and they are all so, so very different. it's cool to watch them enjoy the good stuff in each other, ignore kindly the stuff they don't see eye to eye on, and support each other's children and families so well. i am humble and nervous and honored to be asked to join them....sure i will screw stuff up, but willing to try. because i've learned i need to work on my ability to ask for and accept help. but i think these women will work with me on it. and probably smile a lot in the process. if i let them share space with me. which i've been kind of reluctant about because, well, i haven't felt like i would enhance anyone's space lately. but i think they're letting me know they're still waiting... i don't know. i think the kids are enjoying the community, too.

ok, well, i have my spouse for the rest of tonight. it was kind of sexy to go to sleep with him in my bed and then wake up with him in my in a luxurious kind of way. made me feel like when we first moved in together...woo-hoo, made me feel young. (yes, it's been THAT long...oh, and i'm not talking about sex here...i really am just talking about him being there)

so we went to a bug show (as in volkswagen) this morning and hung out with a few friends and family, and now we're home to do some work on the house. i'm looking forward to it...everything really is just fine.

No comments: