forgivishness

i love this word. it's an anne lamott word. the title of a section of her book of essays called grace (eventually). i was thinking about forgiveness and how necessary it is, but how difficult it can be when you're still feeling pretty pissed off. and then this word jumped out at me from the page and i laughed and thought, "well, of course! there's the step between where i am now and forgiveness that i was leaving out...now i can do this..." anne can really be there for me sometimes...

i was talking to my friend christian about it last night and telling him about that buddhist saying about how holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal...it only burns you. and one of the things i love most about this man are the moments like last night when he says, "yes, you want to let go of the coal and forgive the other person...but you'd really like to let go of the coal so that it lands on the other person's head, right?" he is so wise. he helps me find my way back to the me i want to be...but with lots of laughing along the way, which makes it pleasant and not seem like hard work...it also leaves me feeling very loved, and not like it's me, alone, against the me i don't want to be. and then i listen to him go on about the $500 prada sneakers he wants, so i feel like i'm able to be there for him, too.

my husband and i planted our strawberry plants and three blueberry bushes yesterday. all that's coming up in our garden right now is some beans and a few tomato plants. it's gotten a little colder, so it's kind of slow going, but at least the sun's cooperating, so maybe not as slow as it could be.

and i also drove around yesterday singing this song at the top of my lungs with my sons, which is fun and amusing and liberating all at the same time...



forgiveness can be hard work, but with this extra forgivishness step in there and people to help out along the way, it can be quite rewarding.

peace

seriously, my yard's gonna rock...

i let myself get that negativity out yesterday, but i can't leave it at the top of my blog. makes me feel like a little black cloud spreading my blah to everyone who may happen by. i know negativity happens, but it's not necessarily something i want printed on the tip of my nose.

so things are working out. no, they aren't worked out. i don't know that they EVER get completely worked out. but they are at least moving again...and i don't think i'm going to give myself a stress induced heart attack anymore. i am grateful for those who will listen to me in those moments of being lost. i am grateful for those who've shared with me in ways that still affect me when i am going through stress...little lights along the way that are these great surprises and lifelines.

and i am still working in my yard as a way of releasing some of this tension. i mean really, my yard is going to look awesome here... it's been neglected for awhile, and i've really only just begun...but i like the way this feels. now the inside of my house?...we're not gonna talk about that part today.

peace

gardening

last week was a crazy week...lots of different things to work through, think about, let go of... this week has just been kind of stressful. i suppose last week may have left me a little raw...and i'm pretty sure there's some pms stuff going on, too...but my anger, frustration, stress....it has been off the charts this week. and i'm tired of it. i tried really hard last night to just be quiet...not shut my mouth...shut off my mind...just BE. it was alright. then i read some of wicked and went to bed. but it wasn't better today. matter of fact, my chest was killing me today. i was tight, tight, tight...all i'd have to do was think about what was pissing me off and i'd cry. so, i did what any sane person, or insane person looking for some sanity, can do...i went out and pruned the crap out of my bushes in the front yard. i mean, this was seriously needing to be done. they look a little shorn and god only knows if they'll look alright once spring gets her season going, but it needed to be done and that's that. then i got my garden ready. maybe i'll just plant it tomorrow, i don't know. i will say that i wish i could plant a money tree...because everyone seems to want their share. and it is so hard for me to say no. or even just to say, "uh, can we talk about this first...because that's a lot of money." i really need to go see the-rapist...but i really am getting to where i just can't afford it. blah.

oh, peace...

i was singing and humming today

busy day, busy day... i've really been missing hanging out with my spouse. but we did hang together a little today...working in the garden. actually, he's trying to kick a cold, which is difficult when you have to sleep and work opposite your normal rhythms, so he was getting kind of pissy with a wheelbarrow, but it was good to at least get some stuff done together. i really do miss him. and sometimes it makes me a pissy, asshole kind of person. and sometimes it makes me goo-goo sloppy. as usual, i don't seem to have too wide a middle ground...i am joking here...i do have a wide middle ground...i really do.

so this is the song i sang all day in the garden. i think it was driving the others a little nuts, but that's alright with me. (small, familial, loving "fuck 'em" you know?) i did refrain from singing it while the mister was cussing at the wheelbarrow...it just didn't seem the right time. but once the tantrum, i mean difficult time was over, i resumed humming and then went all out singing again...



i cannot capture how frustrating it is that my computer will not let me view my videos these days. i think my computer is in its own sort of dying throes. i need to get the laptop fixed so that i can use that while i get this one fixed. sigh...i remember just last year when i never planned my activities according to the least way to restrict my access to my blog. oh well...

peace

stuff

so we were supposed to go hear jim weiss tell stories today...for two hours, with a small intermission. in person. it was a little over an hour away, but our first "thing" like this...you know, plays, music, performance "thing" type stuff... anyway. a cold has laid us out. o is blowing and blowing and blowing and definitely sounds like he should cut back his two pack a day habit... my eyes are so puffy, my throat hurts. i think we're all getting it. cept n, and that's just because he was gone working at the pharmacy all last weekend.

so no jim weiss. we will take it easy. i will give the big two a little bit of work...nothing to strenuous, for me.

oh, did i mention the rain? it has been falling since last night...hard, steadily...it never lets up for more than half an hour at a time. it's kind of cool and i really do like days like this every once in awhile. but we poured some concrete to put in posts for the fence for the garden, and well, i'm kind of wondering what all this rain will do to that...probably nothing...

and my second born is giving me a seedling update...sunflowers are easy to grow. grape tomatoes and cherry tomatoes are growing. broccoli is doing well. there's a little lime basil coming up. and the cucumbers have broken through the soil. all my little newborns....

ok, need to make some tea for everyone.
peace