frustration

i'd like to work passed it, so i will just get some out in this here blog...

communication...my spouse says, "i'm sorry you're disappointed." i say, "don't apologize to me for my emotions." (i felt this was an important distinction) he said, "i'm sorry i disappointed you." now, i wasn't disappointed. well, i guess you could say i was, because disappointment is a very broad emotion, but it is not what i would've chosen as my emotional state. also, i wouldn't have held him singularly responsible for my emotional state either, but didn't really feel, at this point in the too long conversation we'd been having that he'd find that particularly relevant either. my spouse likes to choose his words...and once they've been chosen, getting him to change course in his thoughts is like trying to change the course of a river with toothpicks...it is difficult...and after a lengthy "discussion," i just didn't have the energy. plus, i realize that he does not worry about soothing me when i've disappointed him. and perhaps in my rush to be sure he's not being too hard on himself when i've let him know he's disappointed me, i've made it so that he's untouched by it... well, not untouched and really, i'll never know how much my disappointment affects him...he'll probably never really know either. but i just thought i'd let him rest with the emotion for a little bit and have some confidence in his ability to work through emotions...the same way he has confidence we'll work through whatever he throws our way...whether he's saying what he thinks or just some made up bullshit...whichever... (ok, that was a little more bitter than i wanted it to sound...obviously i have some work to do on this one...and i'm working on it...i am....)

robotics...let me just say that my teenager is handling the tension there better than i am. i just don't understand why my co-coach feels the need to be so directive. it's like she's driving the bus and our team is in the backseat, cutting up, throwing spitballs, you know...all the stuff kids do in the backseat. and these guys are old enough to drive. well, not a car...but themselves in preparing for this competition. she doesn't give them a chance to appreciate what they've accomplished and then set the next goal. she just keeps pushing. and i feel like none of them really give much of a shit anymore. hell, i'm having a hard time mustering a flying fart about it lately...

parenting...i don't know why, but this has been a challenge lately. it's like, there's kindness and that's all good and well, but let's be funny, because that's more important than kindness. let's be sarcastic and competitive and put each other down...but all in good fun, right? which requires some kindness, but i feel like people only want to put forth the minimum amount of kindness needed to have good will when they really want to be shitty. all this, "he needs to know the truth" or "i care about him and he needs to be tough." i get tired of this. and after having six males under my care for this past week, plus my spouse popping in to add his own testosterone, i'm a little d.o.n.e with it. why can't people just be kind? why is that wimpy or whatever? my nephew has this illusion of being self-sufficient and strong and adaptable...and those are good things, but the idea that he doesn't need anyone...and that he's frustrated and weak when he does...i felt good i could listen and mostly just love him, even when his words made me want to puke. why can't people just admit they need other people? not to wipe your nose or your ass, but just a shared existence? whatever that is for whoever we're talking about...and yes, i guess some folks do in fact need someone to wipe their nose or their ass and there is nothing wrong with that, either. i need to buy this tshirt that says "we're here to get over our disillusion of separateness" or something like that. but it's this yucky blue color, so i haven't. but it is hard to parent young men who are able to dialogue and be kind to one another...who can joke around, but who watch the other person's face to see if it's too much, or just listen to the other person's words if they ask my guys to stop. to be responsive to another person, i guess is what i'm trying to say. it would be nice to be able to do this with someone who valued kindness and self-accountability the same way. oh, i know i sound all high and mighty in this, and i don't mean to. i am not perfect, that's for damned sure. but i do value kindness and i wish sometimes i could parent with someone who valued that as highly as i do, that's all...

i think that's really about it...or at least the high points. there are other things i am working on in myself...trying to be a little more independent. not totally independent...yes, i read what i write...but to change my own self accountability, not to my kids, but in my internal life, maybe...i don't know how to say it. i am also trying very hard to take care of myself...not necessarily in a pure way...moderation...this is my theme for this year, but i'll write about that later. but i am trying to run a little every other day, work out as often, and take my vitamins more regularly. i'm also going to be journaling more often, whether here on my blog or in my paper journal. i am ready to begin taking a more steady approach in maintaining a healthy balance in life.

hey, so in the interest of balance, one good thing today...i got to visit with a friend this afternoon when i picked my boys up from her house. (dh had dropped them off) i hadn't seen her in awhile, and she has family visiting, but it was good to see her. and she reminded me we're not too far from all those nice, normal things we used to do on a regular basis starting up again....relief.

peace

praying and stuff

so the good meme was, well, good. that's the most euphoric pms week i've ever had...seriously. but i did crash a bit. and i've had some pretty sarcastic, angry, whiny, mopey-ish posts brewing the past couple of days, but i really think so much of life is about your perception, about your attitude that i just pushed through it, so to speak. and while those posts may have been funny, they just were at the expense of things i wasn't willing to sacrifice for a laugh.

my spouse and i were actually arguing about this the other day...about whether it's okay to hurt some one's feelings if they know you love them. as far as i can tell, he believes it's inevitable. so much so that, again, as far as i can tell, he doesn't do much to try to stop it. i understand people need to have trust...but what about earning it? i understand the value of a thick skin...but unless you're the one growing it, don't you run the risk of being a bully? and what about empathy? kindness? you know...stuff like that. i don't know...we didn't reach any major conclusions.

but i guess i throw this in for myself to illustrate that what i ask of myself and i also wish to see in those that are closest to me...and i wonder sometimes if my perception were different, if life would be a little different, too. (ha, the dalai lama has me thinking in something like circles, only not so pretty, eh?)

so here's a song i've heard a few times this week. i think i've posted it before and it still makes me cry, but it is one of my favorites...


peace

buddhism lite

ok, so i'm reading a new book. it's called how to see yourself as you really are and it's written by his holiness the dalai lama. i think that's pretty self explanatory...

i've underlined most of the beginning, where he's talking about four personal beliefs. the second one got me, so i'm going to quote the first two parts i underlined in there...

"According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles stem from attachment to things that we mistakenly see as permanent. Operating from that misconception, we see aggression and competitiveness as helpful in the pursuit of what we imagine and desire."

"When you have love and compassion for a very poor person, your feelings are based on altruism. By contrast, love toward your husband, wife, children, or a close friend is often mixed with attachment, and when your attachment changes, your kindness may disappear. Complete love is based not on attachment but on altruism, which is the most effective response to suffering."

okay...that's a mouthful...or more accurately, a heart-full. it did catch me by surprise, though, that i agreed with this so much inside...that it sounded so very right to me, yet i've come to learn that much of the parenting practices i've adopted over the years fall under the general heading of attachment parenting. which i've always thought of as a philosophy of parenting based on answering the needs of my children as they express them, as i realize them, and as i am able. and encouraging them to meet their own needs and, hopefully, in the process they'll learn to respond to the needs of those around them as well, as they are able.

it's funny that i used the word respond because tomorrow, in my middles philosophy class, we're beginning a discussion on responsibility and after we've talked about what it means and tried to define it in three words or less, we'll talk about how the root of responsibility is response.

anyway...the part that really caught me in those quotes was the concept that once we change our attachment in a relationship, we can drain some of the kindness from it and act on that attachment instead of out of a true, loving response. that, uhm, kind of hit home in some ways. because i know i struggle with a sense of almost ownership over my kids and the sense that they owe me something in return. the same with my spouse. and while these words aren't pretty, they are true, and as i've thought about the dalai lama's words this week, it hasn't been that hard to let go of some of my misperceived attachment. it's a shift i can almost feel physically when i am mindful of what i am doing, what i am thinking, and how i am putting those two things together. it's not something that seems to magically change once you figure it out. but it is somewhat of a habit, or so it seems. like the more you practice it, the (a least a tiny bit) more natural it becomes.

and i haven't even started chapter one, yet. i think i'll probably be quoting this book quite a bit.
peace out

kindness

today's been...emotional, i guess. but i still have things to get done, so i need to, you know, keep it together. (which is a great blog, by the way...beautiful, beautiful pictures of beautiful, beautiful children)

anne lamott has an essay in grace eventually called "the muddling glory of god." aside from being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, annie also was a bulimic. this essay is about her binging and getting through it or getting through the absolute craving to binge, i can't remember. (but still kind of like my whataburger deal yesterday, i guess) here are the passages i underlined...

But thinking of him [Jesus] reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. Only love would; only my own imperfect love would.

It is hard to remember that you are a cherished spiritual being when you're burping up apple fritters and Cheetos.

My pastor, Veronica, says that believing isn't the hard part; waiting on God is. So I stuck with it and prayed impatiently for patience, and to stop feeling disgusted by myself, and to believe for a few moments that God, just a bit busy with other suffering in the world, actually cared about one menopausal white woman on a binge.

..and respond to myself as gently as I would to you; this is all I am ever really hungry for.

there were a few other passages, but i'm going to stop with this last line. because i am going to be gentle and kind with myself today...as gentle and kind as i would be with someone i love.

running on the treadmill yesterday, even though i am a bit sore today, was really a very gentle experience. being present, being focused, being centered...whatever i end up calling it (because i really do need to think of a word)...is really a more natural state of mind for me. not a habitual one just yet, i admit. but a more natural one. for me.

i have watched people this week be just as stuck being them as i feel stuck being me...those things that we ccan't change, no matter how hard we try, even when they don't really "work" for us. reiki says they are things we aren't able to let go of yet, because they are not finished teaching us our lessons. i can buy that. (as long as i'm not the only one with lessons on the planner...) *smile*
peace