kindness

today's been...emotional, i guess. but i still have things to get done, so i need to, you know, keep it together. (which is a great blog, by the way...beautiful, beautiful pictures of beautiful, beautiful children)

anne lamott has an essay in grace eventually called "the muddling glory of god." aside from being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, annie also was a bulimic. this essay is about her binging and getting through it or getting through the absolute craving to binge, i can't remember. (but still kind of like my whataburger deal yesterday, i guess) here are the passages i underlined...

But thinking of him [Jesus] reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. Only love would; only my own imperfect love would.

It is hard to remember that you are a cherished spiritual being when you're burping up apple fritters and Cheetos.

My pastor, Veronica, says that believing isn't the hard part; waiting on God is. So I stuck with it and prayed impatiently for patience, and to stop feeling disgusted by myself, and to believe for a few moments that God, just a bit busy with other suffering in the world, actually cared about one menopausal white woman on a binge.

..and respond to myself as gently as I would to you; this is all I am ever really hungry for.

there were a few other passages, but i'm going to stop with this last line. because i am going to be gentle and kind with myself today...as gentle and kind as i would be with someone i love.

running on the treadmill yesterday, even though i am a bit sore today, was really a very gentle experience. being present, being focused, being centered...whatever i end up calling it (because i really do need to think of a word)...is really a more natural state of mind for me. not a habitual one just yet, i admit. but a more natural one. for me.

i have watched people this week be just as stuck being them as i feel stuck being me...those things that we ccan't change, no matter how hard we try, even when they don't really "work" for us. reiki says they are things we aren't able to let go of yet, because they are not finished teaching us our lessons. i can buy that. (as long as i'm not the only one with lessons on the planner...) *smile*
peace