don't freak out, but...

my running log ticker is getting a few miles again. i'm not running, though. i'm walking. and with a twenty week fetus inside me, that feels like plenty. i do lift three pound arm weights while i walk, too. it feels good. when i make a point to exercise regularly, i eat better and i remember to take my vitamins, and i just become a more pleasant, productive person. i've been reading all these people magazines (thanks, carol!) that a friend sent me home with after i hung out at her house for a few days. there are a lot of articles in there about high profile/celebrity moms getting their bodies back after pregnancies. normally, i would think of those things as shallow and appearance fixated. but since i actually read some of those articles, i can report that a number of them talked about the moms learning to take time to take care of themselves...how they had stopped doing that. they work out, yes. they eat better, yes. some of them even watch calories. a lot of them just stopped eating as much (my friend jen swears by this as a weight loss philosophy and my friend cristy, who has broken up with gluten, dairy, and meat is pretty much proof of it). but they all talked about not being so worried about how they looked...i mean, they all said they liked how they looked...but they mostly said they liked feeling strong again. and i guess when i don't work out, i feel weak...and that probably has something to do with why i eat like crap and don't take my vitamins or get much done. so...there you go. or there i go, i guess. and really, what better time than the present? (and, you know, with a baby depending on me and such...)

peace

decisions, decisions

so i was going to come on here and post these two beyonce songs that i am surprised by how much i really, really like. there wasn't much of a story to go with them...other than i spend A LOT of time in the car lately and so i think A LOT about music. but maybe later...

then i thought about posting about how many people told me happy birthday yesterday, on my actual birthday. and then there was a call the day before and a call today, too...so it was crazy cool to hear from so many folks...fun times.

my conversation with my dad today--he's the one who called to wish me happy day after my birthday--was blog-worthy, i think. i love him. and he was actually trying to impart some wisdom, quizzing me on what i'd say in certain situations he's handled at work....it was kind of fun. i mean, i was mostly wrong, but i did learn some stuff...

i've also been thinking a lot about the responsibility of marriage and the responsibility of parenting and how hard it is to balance the two when you have both responsibilities... but, kids are kids and adults are adults...so i guess that's kind of clear to me.

and i COULD do another whine about how busy i am...there's ALWAYS that to talk about...

oh, and i did get on the treadmill today. two miles. that felt good. really, really good. and i had a few musings while on there (after thinking last night about how i hadn't had treadmill musings in FOREVER...).

and my spouse cut my hair today...like five inches gone. and that feels amazing.

but i really think all i have to say is 35 isn't so bad.

peace

note to myself...

i like today's oscar wilde quote...

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

ok, now my note...

it has been a really long week...and a busy one, too. oldest started classes an hour away. oldest also started rock climbing practice with the team on thursday evenings. oldest and third born started piano on wednesdays. i still need to call to begin second born's flute lessons. co-op starts next week as well as rock climbing class for the three bigs. and i need to register third born for soccer. oh, and second born turned eleven yesterday, which was a very cool, very successful celebration with friends and family and i am very grateful for those who love us here... all of that proceeding after a competition weekend (complete with teenage tantrum last friday) and it was quite a ride.

i think we are going to be able to do this schedule...i do. i don't think i'm kidding myself too much in thinking that. but i have to say that i am not sure where my treadmill time fits into this new schedule. and tonight, as i feel myself sort of vibrating with tension and maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, i realize that treadmill time is important and must be a priority to some degree. let me say this again (for myself) TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT... otherwise i will be grouchy, tense, negative, unhappy, and probably not fit into the jeans i have. i will probably eat a bunch of crap to compensate, thus making me feel worse. i will want interaction but not have the patience for it. i will feel antsy and hungry for something, but not able to find what i want, thereby consuming many things...junk food, relationships, hours at the computer doing nothing, whatever gets in my path. i don't think i'm being overly pessimistic, and i realize that all of this will not happen at once. thank god it hasn't yet, anyway. but these are the things i think may be related to leading a quick paced life, trying to meet lots of people's needs, and having lots of thoughts about all of it, but when i only worry in my mind about things i cannot control, and do not give my body a physical outlet for some of that energy/worry, my body starts to come up with some crazy ideas about how to work it out... i think my eczema will flare, too. and considering i've only begun to settle the last flare up, it will not be pretty. trying to accomplish all i've listed while scratching my skin off in "unladylike" places would just be too much, i think... so, once again, TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT.

ok, on a side note...a friend of mine from CAMP called me today to play this song we used to sing, "rainbow made of children" for me. it was funny, because the words were different and it was sung by a band...very different from the only way i'd ever heard it, which was with counselors and campers singing at flagpole...and i've heard it hundreds of times like that. turns out she'd bought the soundtrack to the billy jack movies and this song was on there. someone had changed the words a little and made it a CAMP song...which i found hilarious. so did she. this is probably one of the reasons we're friends... anyway, you tube didn't have the rainbow song on it, but they did have another song she played me called "one tin soldier". i used to sing this at the lutheran church camp i'd attend in the summers. it was really cool to hear it again and it cracked me up that it was on the billy jack soundtrack. sure enough, you tube came through...

peace

short ramble

my nephews are here to stay with us for a few days, and there's still a number of things for me to get done...

i really need to start running again. it is kind of sad to barely have four miles for a month. and i definitely need to get on the treadmill, if for no other reason, than because i am at 199.1 miles for the year and with .9 miles to go to get it over 200, i find myself compelled.

i just finished paper towns, by john green. it was really, really good. john green is an awesome writer...he pulls from works he's read that have changed who he is or how he sees the world, and he's able to incorporate them into these amazing stories that he's made up...it's all quite intricate, yet he still reveals his theme brilliantly. i really, really liked it...i mean a lot. and it's young adult fiction, just fyi.

ok, really, that's about it. snort...ok, there's more, but that's all i'm getting into for now.
peace

another weekend

my robotics team attended their competition yesterday and did quite well. they placed in robot performance and research. it was a great experience for them, and i had a lot of fun, too. i was almost silly with the excitement of it all...

but today has been kind of a "coming down" we'll call it. there was a rule i misunderstood. and i bellied up and posted on the coach's group for clarification. i was directed to a forum that i knew about, and just didn't check before, where the clarification for that rule (and a lot of other rules we had been wondering about) was present. it's a frustrating moment to realize i could've coached them better if i would've stayed better informed and used all the avenues presented me... oh well. live and learn. and, as usual, there was A LOT of learning going on... (dying to type more self berate-ment, but willing myself to step away from the topic)

i don't know. sometimes it is just hard to do the right thing...and that may not prevent me from doing the right thing, but it does usually cause a fair amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth for some poor soul i am close to and comfortable enough to do it in front of...and that is something i have to work on. but how to channel all of that negative energy? or, i guess it doesn't even have to be negative...just all that damned energy that i have judged to be negative...where to start? changing the judgment?....

i know, i know...get my ass on the treadmill....

going...
peace
marci

more from the heart

getting on the treadmill is one of the best things i do for myself, i think. and not just for the physical body that carries me around in a day, although she definitely appreciates it. but it's also great for the spirit inside the body... i guess, more accurately, it's one of the best places for them to meet and work together...well, if i don't push too hard. and after a month of not being on the treadmill, i wasn't looking to push too hard tonight.

i listened to the indigo girls tonight...1200 curfews. there's a song on there that i don't think they wrote, although the site i usually pull lyrics from is on sabbatical (which, as pete seeger says, will probably turn into a mondical and a tuesdical....). the song is called thin line and here's the best i can remember...

i thought the time was passed
for when i could find beauty in the world
i set the stage and the scenery
rehearsing every word

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

with my confidence on fire
i set to fixing up my role
my separation of desires
just left me deeper in the hole

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

now i'm trying to get back
what i know that i should be
hoping to god (oh, i was hoping i was just)
a temporary absentee

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

oh yeah, alright...

and without lifeblood.net, that's the best i can do.

this song strikes a chord with me...it always has. the chorus has always stood out, but the verses tonight were really clear as i ran, too. i have still been thinking about that diamond heart. i was talking to my friend lana last night, and the idea of a diamond core that can withstand all the things i'm so worried will shatter me came about. how i try to put this crappy armor around it, that is not meant to be there, and is not truly part of that core, and is easily injured, knocked down, defeated...but there i go, scurrying around trying to replace each lost piece with something else...all in the name of defense...trying to avoid pain...but stressed out the whole time because, if you had parents who spanked when you were a child...especially parents who used things like belts to spank with and were kind of ceremonious about it, like had you lay across a bed with your pants down, the damned anticipation of the blow can wreck you far more than the actual blow.

so, as i was running, i was trying to define some of these pieces of armor i attach to myself to try to ward off pain. what exactly are they? i didn't really come up with anything specific, but it made me think of an essay my friend patsy wrote when she was in college. she wrote an analogy between her life and a tapestry...yeah, like carole king. but patsy's essay was beautiful. she gave the colors of her tapestry feelings, emotions...loyalty, fear, love...all woven into the life that was hers. it was a long time ago, and that really is about all i remember of it, but it was beautiful, i do remember that.

i don't know exactly which parts of me are part of the core or not. i assume whatever part of me is compelled to construct these defenses is also a part of the core, so i don't know that any of it is "not real", if that makes sense. it's all me, i realize. (or i think i realize...i'm obviously making this up as i go...) but i did figure out this...there are times that i act as a friend out of a need to protect myself from the truth that i cannot be a perfect friend. that i am afraid of falling short, so i do things "to save my own ass." and as horrified as i might feel to realize it (and no, it's not the first time i've ever had this realization about myself), i have to know that those who love me either have no clue about this and will be repulsed when they find out (this is fear talking) or they probably already know i'm imperfect and are tired of having to avert their eyes kindly when my human hangs out (this is optimistically in the middle, i think).

this realization came, in part, because i try to give others permission to be human. i have always been the person that said "it's okay to fuck up...i'll still love you" because i do truly believe that we need love most when we least deserve it. (whatever deserve means...that's one i try to stay away from, but it's a quote, so i used it) but the realization came more fully because i have learned, over time, that i have limits. i have times that i have to step back and not be the one to give love...maybe just be the one to pray for peace...because my human can't stretch enough to be the lover, just the prayer. and in accepting this limit of mine, i have begun to see my own humanity a little more fully. and it occurred to me tonight, that in accepting myself more, in finding my core, letting her stand, that i am probably a better friend for it. i may not be as accommodating or outright supportive, but i am still loyal and passionate and believe deeply in each of us...i guess because like anne lamott said in those quotes i posted last night, we're each a mosaic tile of the One. and like alice walker said, but i'm going to paraphrase, we have to see ourselves reflected in each other...even those we don't think we're like or don't want to believe we even could be like.

ok...i anticipate more verbal vomiting along these lines...and while it feels weird to post something so raw, this is important stuff for me to work through. and after slogging through today, it feels so clean to be able to get a little of it out.

why don't i remember how good running is for me?...
peace

one thing

running a half marathon is like an energy enema. not too long ago, i did some push ups for the first time in awhile and had some crazy dreams as a result. whatever is stored in muscles can make for some interesting introspection once you've released it. so running for that long, pushing yourself, makes for interesting times for awhile. add a spouse in residency and four children and, well, it can almost make you believe you're crazy at times...

here's a song i heard today that kind of touches on things i'm having a hard time talking about. although i have to thank mama lana for letting me get a lot of things out last night...and i have to say, i think she'll appreciate this song, too... ;)



peace

it's getting better

the muscles are finally ending their loud, painful protest. the foot?...uh, no. but it'll get there... and i guess i'll just have to stay off the treadmill til it gets better...sigh...(muwahahaha)

there's another shirt i thought of that i saw...in my dreams, i'm a kenyan...i think i need this sticker. or the one that says marathon ho, i'm not sure which.

today was good. it was our last day for the semester in co-op. i'm still amazed at how difficult it was to put together and how easily it ran...and continues to run. and i love the kids. i mean like toe curling love the kids. it's a blast.

the kids and rock climbing...there's a class of college kids that climb at that gym after the homeschool class. today was their final. there was a route marked, and the last holds were graded...match here for an 80....match here for an 85. they moved in five point increments to the last hold, which i must say was a bitch of a reach, up to 100. my oldest son got to 100...with all the college kids watching, mouths agape. he really climbs quite gracefully and has a fair amount of technique to draw on. his eyes were lit up afterward. and i have to temper myself...i don't want him to crow like a rooster, but i can't deny him the sensation of being thrilled with his accomplishment. i might end up turning him into me if i do that...no, introspection is not always warm and fuzzy...bla my second born scored a ninety on the route...not bad for a ten year old, hey? and the nine year old scored an eighty. but i think that's probably because he went first...headstrong, pushy child that he is. they also did this really crazy, really cool work out today. the rock climbing instructors are learning to loosen up, broaden what they're teaching, and really make it fun (and relevant) for these kids. it's a blast watching and i know the kids are loving it.

and then there's still the college thing. teenager still wants to go. i guess that will be my primary job tomorrow...scheduling the things that need to happen to get him there. it still feels kind of weird.

and my spouse...i have been avoiding a lot of this discussion because...well, a lot of reasons. it is tender. it is old. it is repetitive. it is huge, it is not so huge all at the same time. it confuses me. it challenges me, too. it feels sometimes like a brick wall that i run into, knocking the wind out of me. other times it feels like a phantom i've dreamt up and isn't real at all. and i think i'm about talked out on that for now....

ok, teenager has friends over. all the sons get so excited when there are more males here to spend the night. it gets kind of loud. it requires much food. it reminds me of another marathon shirt i saw sunday...this sounded like a good idea three months ago.
peace

gotta run

well, i run on sunday, but i'll be leaving tomorrow morning and not back til afterward. i'm a little nervous, kind of tired already, but since i've done this before, i guess i feel a little more confident. i admit i'm looking forward to the training time to work on some other areas in life that i fear may be getting a little "flabby"...but it's all a marathon, right?

peace

yeah, today's better

how could it not be? i mean, we went on a field trip at a biosolids plant at ten o'clock this morning. there is NOTHING to perk you up like seeing the many stages of purification of sewer water and how they turn it into "sludge cake" (which is a really, really nice term for dried out, compressed shit that does not smell like chocolate) and compost and sell it back to the public. i used to be amazed by the signs on the side of the road in a the rural-ish community i lived in that would say "lamb manure for sale"...i'd think, "wow, that's ballsy...your animal shits and you ask us to pay you for it." but really...where we went today, these guys are geniuses...selling our own shit back to us...wow.

seriously, i think it's an awesome thing. otherwise our shit would go into landfills. so putting it back to use is great. this place also gets all the tree debris the city and the rest of the population generates when trimming for power lines, etc., and they chop 'em up, mix 'em up with the "dewatered biosolids" (another tricky word for dried up, compressed shit), and sell 'em as nutrient enhanced mulch for our flower gardens. it was neat. but it did smell like shit...there's no denying that.

so yes, i pulled myself out of my funk by literally surrounding myself with shit. maybe the problem is the solution? not exactly what i had in mind, but i couldn't pass up the little connection.

now i think i will go to park day. maybe....

and tomorrow, i travel to pick up my packet for my half marathon. i am ready to be finished running in races for awhile. i am really, really busy, and committing to run only stresses me out instead of the outlet running is supposed to be and usually is.

yesterday i realized i had forgotten this field trip. i'm so glad i got reminded the day before instead of the day after, because i've had the latter happen as well and it sucks so much more than the first.

my fourteen year old is also asking to be enrolled in a dual enrollment college class at a technical college about thirty miles away. i am looking into it, and it definitely seems like something that can be done, but it is also challenging me, this whole "fruit of my looms" growing up thing...and i don't mean learning to use the potty or use his own fork, either...i'm talking hair in places i used to be in charge of cleaning, chest broader than father's, shaving, wearing adult sized clothing, and now, hey, how 'bout i go to college? growing up. it's not bad...i mean, it's really mostly pretty good...it's just weird.

ok, i don't want to put myself back in a funk. (and i swear i still kind of smell the biosolids plant, too...)
peace

running

the half marathon is next month. and i went two weeks without getting on the treadmill. i don't know why i do that...but i'm pretty consistent about it, i'll give myself that. i think i took a whole month off before the last half. but the last one was in february and there was december and, well, whatever...

today i was geared up to do a big run. a long one. at least half the distance i'll be running next month...probably more. my treadmill stops at 99:99 minutes, so i figure that's a good time, a good distance. but forty minutes into the run, i could tell it probably wasn't the best idea to go the full 100. so i ran for an hour. this was my second time on the treadmill after my two weeks off. felt kind of silly trying to push myself so quickly and having to back down...what am i? a newbie? i will admit, thought, that i often back off to prevent myself from getting hurt. and while i don't know that i would've hurt myself, i felt really good about the decision to just go the hour.

while i run, i try to let my mind go...just let it be free and not really allow myself to focus on anything that might be rolling around in there. but i had to laugh when i caught myself going through all the different ways i could train for the next race. uhm, hello? i am training...why do i always imagine these perfect, cool, great training sessions i'll have and ignore the way i train?...it makes me laugh. this disconnect between my ideals and, well, my reality. i mean, i think it's alright to have ideals. and i think it's okay for my reality to be different from that. but i guess what made me laugh is that i often have this skewed way of seeing myself...or of not seeing myself at all. i run. not amazingly well. but i run. a lot. often. for me, anyway. and i'm pleased with it. i enjoy it immensely. it mellows me out better than any bottle of wine...(although the wine is a close, close second). and it leaves me feeling pretty strong when i'm out with my kids or even on my own. and you know what else it's done? i think it's improving my posture. because in order to not goof up my lower back or my shoulders, i focus on using my core muscles to keep me up, my chest open, breathing well...and even my sister in law, the other day, told me i looked taller. which i thought was really odd until she said what she really meant was that i was standing up straighter. go figure...

now i just need to get out and buy myself a new pair of shoes. it is so hard to find running shoes that offer enough arch support, but not too much. this is my least favorite part of running. but i do like the cushy socks...
peace

busy day, busy day

we went to the robotics thing this morning for my oldest. now we've been cleaning for the sleep over we're having tomorrow, plus the friend who's hanging out here tonight. i get to go to book club (where i didn't read the book but i am so not feeling like a loser over this today...i'm just not...it's a freaking choice and i'm choosing baby) tonight and it's somewhere where i can have a beer. (i need a "woo" emoticon here, friends)

we need to get our math knocked out and i'd like to test them into some other curriculum, too. plus, my house is a sty. we're busy folks. the house shows it....all over the place. oh, and i need to pay credit cards today...buzz kill.

there's been so much going on lately...on the inside and on the outside. i can't really talk about a lot of it because it's all just wispy little thoughts...i don't have the strength today to even pretend to try to grab those geese's necks, you know?

oh! but i did run four miles on the treadmill yesterday. and i wanted to talk about that. because so often when i exercise, i think about what i can't do. or what i'm not doing... if i do thirty sit ups, i think about how i wish i could do fifty and i'm a wuss for not being able to...stuff like that. and i'm not sure why. but yesterday, i was going to run for forty-five minutes. the music i was listening to finished and i threw on the dixie chicks because i wanted to hear a few of those songs...well, forty-five minutes was going to be up before i'd heard the songs, so i just kept running a little longer. it was cool that i could do that... i guess being all appreciative for that ability made me aware of my usual state of mind when i run...it was a small part of me that cracked open, but it was cool.

and i'm trying to hear sarah palin's speech at the rnc. it's a five parter on you tube. i've made it through the first two parts. i think i'd rather read a transcript...so much of it is clapping. and i'm not sure what i think just yet...i mean, i know what my gut feelings are, but they're not something i'm ready to share. but i will say that it annoys the crap out me when people compare mccain's military service and obama's lack thereof. why republicans choose this election to focus on military experience in our commander in chief, after we've been in this war for so long, taken here by a man who couldn't even show up for guard duty...pisses me off, frankly. i think it's bullshit to act like that matters now when it didn't then. i can't tell you how many folks were incredulous that i'd voted for john kerry. and while i'm rarely a one issue voter, i pretty much was in that election. because we were in a fucking war.... and i felt like someone who'd elected to serve two tours would be a hell of a lot more likely to guide us wisely than someone who, i admit in my opinion from reading the stories in papers and online, didn't seem to take serving his country or state seriously at all. and i just needed to put that out there...because it's really been eating at me lately. not that i think this alone should decide anything, but it was just bugging me...sigh, and now i feel better. blogs can be so therapeutic...

peace

drug of choice

my bff after high school, patsy, used to work at a home for adults with different disabilities. she worked with a woman with down's syndrome who would have anxiety attacks. whenever one was coming, patsy would ask her, "did you take your medicine?" and the woman would say, "buspar makes.me.caaallllm...." spreading her hands out gently for effect. it worked for her.

if someone asked me if i took my medicine, i'd have to say, "running makes.me.caaallllm." i ran last night and the calm that settled on me was...well...remarkable. i never thought i'd be a regular enough runner to get used to the effects of it. but i guess i have. because i've had some pretty big anxiety attacks lately...and i've been able to work through my anxieties, but today was so much better. i'll be getting on the treadmill here in a bit.

we've spent all day at a sumobot tournament. my bigs made and entered robots in this competition. they won at least a few rounds, which was a nice surprise for them. they both really love this robot thing. and i'm really glad they've found something they love and nice folks to share it with. but i've had enough of it for now, to be honest. i'm ready to take the kayaks out or do some climbing or something. enough indoors...well...not really. we're still hitting over 100 almost daily. but enough technology. we went to half price books today and i bought bug's life...on vhs...i just needed some low tech. i'm ready to pop it in here in a bit. once i convince them to turn off guitar hero.

peace out

balance

i think i mentioned that my spouse's schedule is a little funky, so i'm not getting to run lately. at least, not on my treadmill. my sister just reminded me i could do it outside, but do you really want me to tell you how hot it is?....again?....

so there's been all this thinking going on without any physical outlet to let some of this energy work itself out. and i think that's why i've had a nagging headache for a few days. i thought it was caffeine related, but now i'm not so sure. which, again, strikes me how subtle our actions are that maintain some balance...how things affect us in ways we aren't even aware of...how easy it is to upset the balance because it's difficult to realize all that's influencing it. more mystery...

but i will say that i think where mystery and personal responsibility meet and clash is at the line of accountability. who to blame when things go wrong? but i guess what i'm figuring out is that blame serves no one and is so misguided...there's that feeling of if we know how or why something went wrong, we can keep it from happening again. but i think that's a big old maybe. because, like i said, if things that influence outcomes are subtle, then how can we guarantee anything can be avoided? and at what cost? and for what unforeseen result?

so while i learn about and recognize a balance between my mental activity and my physical activity, i do wonder about a balance between the mystery and the not so mysterious...or maybe it's all mysterious...or none at all...(kind of chasing my tail here, huh?)

back to my coffee...
peace

ramble on (again)

i'm cutting back on caffeine this week...green tea in the mornings instead of my usual half caff coffee. so this may be more pessimistic than i really think i feel. but there are so many things bumping around in my head that i promised myself last night i'd get up and blog this morning.

i'm going to do this ala lanatron...

homeschooling... our co-op is on. and i'm excited about it. but i have less than a month to prepare for it, and i'm a little nervous, i guess. i am really grateful for the opportunities it's providing for my kids and their journeys. i was getting kind of worn out trying to meet all of their needs educationally, particularly since little bit is five today and starting "kindergarten" and going to have his own needs to be met. (well, he always did, i realize, but now he's ready to really be a part of things, you know?)

i waver a lot between believing that my guys are where they need to be and anxiety about what if i die and will they transition well to school? ok, i don't really worry about dying. but i do worry if they're "measuring up"...but then i remind myself about the yardstick they're being measured against and, while i don't embrace it totally, i can't deny is the pervasive yardstick. so while i'm feeling good about things, it is that time of year where, as i prepare for next year, i can't seem to help but reexamine all the reasons i do this and make sure my guiding principles are still working for us. which is a good thing, i realize, but not so very productive when you have these syllabuses (spellcheck says it's not syllabi...) to be creating, so is also kind of stressful.

intimacy... i think this is what was captivating me in those vampire books. meyers has a pretty terrific hand at capturing the energy of intimacy with her words. and the books are clean...none of the usual bloodbath/orgy typical of vampire books. i mean, they aren't blood-less or sex-less, but she focuses more on the energy of things than the mechanics.

anyway... i mentioned my almost fourteen year old was reading these. and we talked a little about how she captures the feelings involved in sex without describing the details of it. (we also mentioned that the characters didn't actually do it until they were married...i'm sorry, i couldn't help myself, i am a mother now...) but it's kind of weird to think of my teen reading something that i felt was pretty heavily threaded with such intimate energy... partly because i know he is craving it, whether or not he thinks of it that way. partly because i don't always know how to meet my own needs for intimacy. there's just so many different ways to do it... like parenting (myself?), where you have so many options available, you often fall into a rut of a few different things, getting frustrated when they don't work completely, forgetting how many different ways there are of doing things, looking at things, shifting things... i know i'm getting vague here. but it's mostly because i'm trying to say what i mean without listing all the things i don't mean...and it seems that's about all i have on this one.

mystery... since i was talking about parenting and since i think it's a part of intimacy, too... this is another aspect of life i've been thinking about a lot. i'll be thinking about stuff, life, whatnot...and working through my thoughts...and there is often this feeling like i should be able to figure something out...arrive at some definite conclusion, answer, life lesson. but lately, it often comes down to the fact that there is just some mystery to life, things i am not meant to understand in my head and that i need to work on my confidence in understanding in my heart. and while i feel frustrated when i bump into this mystery sometimes, i know i wouldn't wish the world to be different. ok, well, there are some things i would probably wish different...and regret later...but the mystery part? no...i wouldn't wish that away.

oh! and politics....but really, it's the internet... my mother has been sending me these anti-obama emails lately. not like personally written emails, imploring me to turn away from the dark democrats, but forwards....and i rarely read forwards to begin with, but i find political forwards particularly distasteful. i realize people are passionate about politics. but taking some small fact and turning into something totally irrelevant and barely true just to create a negative emotional response to something, well, it pisses me off. it's fighting dirty. it gets people so stressed and is just a general waste of energy. sheesh. can't we choose one candidate without villainizing the other? but mostly, i just wish my mom would chill out about this stuff or leave me out of it. i finally responded to one of her emails and she almost bit my head off, telling me what a long-standing, proud member of the republican party she is and how rock solid her opinions are...how i'm just sore because hillary didn't get the nomination, but how all the democrats would screw the country up. geez.... i'll hit delete on the rest of her forwards, but why does she have to send them to me in the first place? i get tired of people assuming if you're diplomatic that you aren't passionate, too. but it's fine...i'm working on letting it go...

running... my next half marathon is in november. but my spouse's schedule is funky this month and doesn't leave me much time for training. it's a drag. i think that the energy i am not letting go with running is going to make me a nervous, crazy wreck. but that's just my opinion. i should've run this morning. it was seventy-five degrees here this morning. i don't think we've had a temperature that cool since april or may... and i blew it blogging. well, i also laid on the couch with the sliding glass door open and enjoyed the temperature for a few minutes. i can't wait for fall...

ok...ramble off (again)
peace

treadmill philosophy

first of all, i don't intend to meditate or philosophize on the treadmill. i don't know that it's wise to think too much when trying to reach and maintain my maximum heart rate... but with a reiki book there, and my big backyard out my window, and lately, with the beatles playing...it just seems to happen...

here's today's passages i wanted to get down...

We can compare the mind to a glass of sparkling water. The constant stream of bubbles floating to the surface are like our thoughts and feelings. It appears that we are these thoughts and emotions that arise from within, as if they make up our identity and character, or as if they are the "real me." Our true nature is more like the water itself than the bubbles that arise in it, our essence, in reality, is closer to the space between our thoughts and feelings, or simply the lack of "I."

Since our tendencies toward positive or negative actions gradually change with our habits of thinking and feeling, if we are able each day to familiarize ourselves with deep peace and happiness, no matter how negative we have been in the past, we cannot avoid becoming more contented and fulfilled.

now, that first passage i like because i get asked so often if i see the glass as half full or half empty, i'm thrilled that now i can answer that i'm the water in the glass. and i like the idea of being full of bubbles... it did make me wonder, as i was running today, whether "i" was the calf that was hurting, the "i" that sensed the pain, or the "i" that decided it was fine to just keep running and let it work itself out. but "i" didn't come to a conclusion as "i" was running and trying to relax a calf without falling off the treadmill. (all while singing "help" by the beatles which seemed so damned appropriate i thought i'd include it.) but i am also "getting" that i am not identified by my thoughts or my feelings...and i am so freaking relieved by that because sometimes, i just don't know where the shit that flies through my head comes from...

which i guess explains why the second passage is significant to me...can i get an alleluia!!?! a praise god!!!? (or dog or bob or whoever you praise...) again...it's a relief. sometimes i get so bogged down by negative thoughts. so.....bogged......down...... but i'll keep practicing and then i can't avoid being happier...i love that part. like even if i try, i can't avoid it. cool.

so that right there is probably proof enough why i should not think too much while my body is allocating the bulk of its energy to run. but it felt good...

i also want to put out there that a friend of mine (from the cyber mama tribe) is traveling to galveston for some much needed time alone. i talked to her for the first time today to let her know i was thinking about her and to take care of herself. she had kind of a sexy, sultry voice. not that i didn't expect it...which i didn't...but it's just cool how us mama types always have little surprises about ourselves up our sleeves. so if you feel so inclined, i'm sure she could use some raising up.

also, my sons spent time with some kids from a family that is moving at the end of this week. i know people come and go in life...and i know i can't protect them from ever knowing disappointment or longing or loss...i wouldn't really want to, to be honest...but i wish this family the best and am grateful for the time we spent with them. rock climbing will never be the same without them...

also, a friend i haven't spoken to in awhile seems to have been going through some rough times, so a little raising up for her would be good, too...

peace

still in the race

i'm running another half marathon in november. my ultimate goal for me is a full marathon in april. but now my sister in law has thrown in the possibility of a triathlon next year, too. intriguing, i must admit...although i have not made up my mind on that one.

why do i do these things? now that i'm well into my thirties, have given birth to four kids...i have never run competitively...well, i guess i really still don't, to be honest...but i was never a runner before and now i am. why?

because i have four children. four sons. and they are growing into, yes, i'll say it, young men. i mean complete with raging hormones and changing bodies young men. and i want them to marry strong women. but they say we marry our parents. (i think i married my sister, to be honest, but that's a whole 'nother story...) and i want to be a good person for my kids to model their expectations of people on. so i try to be fun, i try to be kind, and i try to be active because life offers a lot more opportunities to those who are able to take them. and it gets tiring being left behind while your kids run on up to the snowline, or finish the climb, etc... but like everything, there's a balance....oy, always with the balancing...

i realized last night that when i go to bed, i usually pray and meditate...try to end the day on a good note. lay it at the cross, they say, right? but it occurred to me that i rarely pray or meditate in the morning. why don't i ever try to start the day on a good note? maybe i wouldn't have to pray so much, lay so much down at night if i'd distribute things a little more evenly?... i don't know. but i am game for most new experiences (except for eating chicken feet...i do not eat chicken feet...won't even try them) so i tried some meditation and prayer this morning. did a little reiki, although i'm still new to the reiki stuff so i rarely admit to trying it. (i think of it just as a different position for praying right now...)

anyway... my morning went well. i've already worked out, so that's a good thing. and my kids have been playing dungeons and dragons all morning, quietly, cooperatively, peacefully (well, as peaceful as one can be slaying trolls and finding secret passages with boots of invisibility or inconsistency or whatever my oldest, aka the dungeon master, has come up with). my littlest has been a doll this morning as he now measures the piano with my sewing tape. my two middles are spending the night at a friends' house and the rest of us will go to dinner at my bil's.

left foot, right foot, pray/reiki, breathe...
peace

kindness

today's been...emotional, i guess. but i still have things to get done, so i need to, you know, keep it together. (which is a great blog, by the way...beautiful, beautiful pictures of beautiful, beautiful children)

anne lamott has an essay in grace eventually called "the muddling glory of god." aside from being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, annie also was a bulimic. this essay is about her binging and getting through it or getting through the absolute craving to binge, i can't remember. (but still kind of like my whataburger deal yesterday, i guess) here are the passages i underlined...

But thinking of him [Jesus] reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. Only love would; only my own imperfect love would.

It is hard to remember that you are a cherished spiritual being when you're burping up apple fritters and Cheetos.

My pastor, Veronica, says that believing isn't the hard part; waiting on God is. So I stuck with it and prayed impatiently for patience, and to stop feeling disgusted by myself, and to believe for a few moments that God, just a bit busy with other suffering in the world, actually cared about one menopausal white woman on a binge.

..and respond to myself as gently as I would to you; this is all I am ever really hungry for.

there were a few other passages, but i'm going to stop with this last line. because i am going to be gentle and kind with myself today...as gentle and kind as i would be with someone i love.

running on the treadmill yesterday, even though i am a bit sore today, was really a very gentle experience. being present, being focused, being centered...whatever i end up calling it (because i really do need to think of a word)...is really a more natural state of mind for me. not a habitual one just yet, i admit. but a more natural one. for me.

i have watched people this week be just as stuck being them as i feel stuck being me...those things that we ccan't change, no matter how hard we try, even when they don't really "work" for us. reiki says they are things we aren't able to let go of yet, because they are not finished teaching us our lessons. i can buy that. (as long as i'm not the only one with lessons on the planner...) *smile*
peace

some catching up

first of all, i am emotional...like a saturated sponge. touch me, and water will come out. it's just the way it is. i'm not having choice in this matter... well, other than i can choose who i share space with...sort of.

i still feel amazing physically....like i could do anything. which isn't true because i got on my treadmill last night and could only jog for a few minutes and walk the rest. but i still feel like i could...eventually, i guess...but i'm not worried about it. which is also a little different for me. i guess when you know you can do something, you're not always so paranoid about proving it (to yourself or others).

my father-in-law had a heart attack two days ago. it was a really surreal morning. it started out with a cuddling/waking up session that included all of my sons, which is rare. (thirteen year old usually isn't interested in attending, go figure, but he played along that morning, and that was really wonderful.) then i decided i didn't feel like doing "traditional school work", so i gave them magazines and small poster boards and told them to do something with those and some scissors and glue. then my mil called to tell me fil was in the e.r. getting an ekg and could i call my dh and give her bil's new cell number. twenty minutes later, fil was having a heart attack and being transferred to a hospital with a cardiac cath lab. two hours later, we had bil in the car and were on our way to our home town.

my fil is fine. well, as fine as someone can be after a heart attack. he owns a pharmacy that has been a part of its community for over three decades. he is the main pharmacist and there's another pharmacist who works a little relief there, too. my mil runs the store, for the most part. all of dh's siblings and dh himself grew up in that store and have worked in it, first at the counter and later as pharmacists themselves. it's like another sibling for them, sort of. and while everyone is trying to focus on fil healing and getting better, there's also this other sibling that is demanding their attention as well. it's quite a split issue, both sides needing almost full attention. not a lot of emotional energy to spare, but not an end in sight, either.

i feel like i'm over-dramatizing this, well, partly because i am pms-ing and my hormones are a little extreme. but it's also been a really hard week for my husband and i've been trying really hard to support him and love him. this is his dad. and i can't imagine what i would feel like if it was my dad. it makes me tear up just to think about it. so i think since he's at work, it's my chance to be emotional and just kind of sit for awhile, too. so i think there's a lot of that going on for me... but dh's siblings can also get pretty tense when emotions are high...well, they can get pretty expressive in their emotions, i guess. i just feel tense because i hope they can stay nice with one another. and i know that is adding to my stress too... and i need to take my vitamins again.

things will be fine. my fil will be ok. he will not be running the pharmacy or participating in his seniors tennis league for awhile. he may never get back to the tennis, to be honest. but i think he will be around longer, smiling at events and making us laugh while he sleeps sitting up, and reminding us to be humble and not ignore people, and to be kind, devoted, loyal, faithful...to take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously. to do what makes sense and work hard. to show up, no matter how late we are.

my husband will be ok, too. all of us will be, for that matter. it's funny how my fil had a heart attack the week after my first half marathon....my first experience of really being in a sea of something so much bigger than myself, physically...and so positive, too...although i will freely admit that having my sister to walk next to made it easier to notice this because i felt safe with her. i was also supported by a group of mamas i only know online, and that really widened my circle of awareness, as well...and gratitude. it was really humbling to receive so much encouragement when all my life, i've hungered for it. i suspect i've long received it, just not realized it for what it was. and to succeed? well shit, that was icing, you know?

so while the world isn't all about me, i do think i have been better able to love and support my husband through this really hard time because i received so much love and support myself...it really does keep going forward, you know? all we have to do is allow ourselves to experience it. and when we're really hard-headed, running thirteen miles is a good way to wear your mind down well enough to allow your spirit to really dive in and soak it up.

so thank you so much to all who raised me up...it's an amazing journey of enlightenment we are all on and i think the world is a little lighter for all of you. in his hospital bed, the look on my fil's face was the lightest of all...
peace