diversity

she wears me out sometimes....

my dad has always told me variety is the spice of life. the times i've continued to whine, he usually tells me that the world would be a boring place if we all thought the same things...to which i usually respond that it could be a little less of a cluster fuck if we weren't so damned different. it caught me off guard on mother's day when my mother told me the same thing...that the world would be pretty miserable if everyone was the same. now, these parents gave birth to me, so they have that in common. but not so much in common outside of that...and even when it comes to me, our relationships are so, so very different. so there was something kind of cosmic about both of my parents (who have not lived together since about five months after i was born) telling me this.

and i usually embrace diversity. it's something i love about life...for the most part. so why do i whine about it all the time?... i guess it just wears me out sometimes. or maybe i can take it in smallish doses, but when a huge dose comes at me, it's tiring. i don't know.

having a spouse who is an ob/gyn is another thing that wears me out. there are so many "morally ambiguous" issues in ob/gyn. "hi honey, how was your day?" can lead to the most challenging discussions...and when you were just asking a question to create some conversation while you're finishing up dinner prep or resting for a minute before you start the next thing...it can be challenges you just don't feel up to. because my spouse and i are pretty diverse. we don't always see eye to eye on these morally ambiguous issues. and while we both try to embrace diversity and often appreciate it, it is not something we particularly enjoying uncovering in our own relationship...and i can at least say i think we both agree on that point...neither of us enjoys it in our relationship. well, when it comes to these issues. it's hard because he is still a baby baby doctor...still young in finding his groove in this career. he loves it, i'm pretty sure. i don't think i've ever seen him more content. but these gray areas are still new to him and he's still finding his feelings and ideas about practicing and handling these issues. and i don't think it particularly helps him out when his wife doesn't agree with or challenges his choices. but i'm not challenging them because i want to challenge him...most of this stuff i've never even thought about. and it's hard stuff. things no one really wants to think about. so maybe i should try to listen and then go sort out my feelings with someone else... i don't know.

diversity is beautiful...it is. but it is challenging. and challenge has to be the goal...otherwise, we just stay frozen, right? and i know after i run a half marathon, i expect to rest the next day. but after one of these half marathon conversations, which i rarely have time to actually train for, i don't always expect to rest...but i usually need to. let things heal up and get a little stronger. it's how we respond to challenge. i need to just learn to embrace that, now...

peace

that place

so i just unloaded this on my spouse earlier today. it was a busy day yesterday, followed by a night where i just didn't want to be alone. but the universe lined up to make it so...everyone was busy. and that was fine. i mean, it wasn't...but i KNOW there are times in life when it is good to be quiet, to be alone, to spend time with yourself...i was just doing all i could in my power to not go along with that last night. i wasn't in the mood. didn't feel like cooperating. whatever. so i finally just read twilight...brain candy...emotional candy...and i think i have a cavity today. oh well...you buys your ticket, you takes your chances...

so last night's anxiety...it's about that place....i was thinking about marriage, i was thinking about faith, i was thinking about parenting, even. i came up with this analogy about working out...

there's that place between working out hard and working through pain to reach a new level of work out vs. working out until you're in pain and hurt yourself so badly you need surgery. one kind of pain you work through, the other you should listen to, right? i mean, from this angle it's clear...but sometimes when i work out, i'm not so sure which pain it is...

marriage...you make a vow, put on the rings, have the party and then life continues, right? and sometimes it's good and you feel good, keeping the vow isn't so hard. then maybe it's not good, but you keep the vow and eventually it's alright. but then there are those times that things are hard for awhile...don't get good...don't even get alright....how long's too long? how long's long enough? (these are rhetorical...each person has to decide i realize...)

faith...certainly there are times that faith requires obedience to the will of a higher power in times of uncertainty. but that high power also gave us the gift of free will. and my philosophy students and i were talking about plato's cave the other day...and even they realize that sometimes it's just easier to stay in the cave....but there's that whole free will thing...

parenting...my husband says i like for everyone to feel good about what they're doing. he says sometimes the kids need the cold, hard truth. (which he seems uniquely able to give them, fortunately or unfortunately)

and all of this has landed on opposite ends of the same general continuum for me lately. (oh, i forgot aging, but that just has to do with realizing i'm getting older...not much of a continuum there. well, there's a continuum, but it's going in just one direction, you know? bahaha) anyway...all this continuum stuff leads me to....

balance...sigh. and here i am, feeling so out of that. but it reminds me of the email i posted a few days back and how the writer talked about the continuum being "better" and "not so better" and how you don't know which way is up because of all the variables you can't account for. and THIS is exactly how i feel today.

whew, i feel better for getting that out...
peace

stuff and whatnot

i have done so much cleaning since we got home from soccer today. o's team lost today...4 to 1. his team plays very well...it's another season with a new team, so it's hard to play against teams who seem to know each other better than our newbies, but i have been impressed during both games i've been to with how well they do...well, you know, even though they've lost both games.

my two middles are spending the night with some friends tonight. that will leave me with my oldest and my youngest...which is almost perfect because i've been feeling like i'm trying to find the balance between extremes somewhat lately...

i've been thinking a lot about marriage...and love...aging...the progression of time...and the nature of god...stuff like that.

here's a song that i love and i've been thinking about a lot lately, as well. when i hear it on my cd, it makes me all teary eyed to think of this version...


peace

lots of influences

reading, music, paintings, conversations, the world, whatnot. all raining, drizzling, sometimes pouring into my being and changing me, filling me, making me someone different, even if just a little, every moment, it seems.

here are some words from a book i'm reading right now called the shack, by william young.

I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.

You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship. You will even lose a competition to accomplish love. It is not about winning and losing, but about love and respect.

"It's one reason why experiencing true relationship is so difficult for you, " Jesus added. "Once you have a hierarchy you need rules to protect and administer it, and then you need law and the enforcement of the rules, and you end up with some kind of chain of command or a system of order that destroys relationship rather than promotes it. You rarely see or experience relationship apart from power."

"Then it is you who determines good and evil. You become the judge. And to make things more confusing, that which you determine to be good will change over time and circumstance. And then beyond that and even worse, there are billions of you each determining what is good and what is evil. So when your good and evil clashes with your neighbor's, fights and arguments ensue and even wars break out."

these words make me think a lot about my spirituality (obviously), and how i live it. my understanding of my life and the lives of others...some close to me...like, maybe some that i married....you know, those guys....a little. it also makes me reconsider my worldview and my philosophy...ideals...junk like that. i picked this book up on a whim, really. and it says a lot. so much, i'm not playing with everything it's putting out there...just too many toys. but i am glad i picked it up.

then i heard this song today. i've heard it lots and can't explain why today it touched me, but it really did. it's been a rough week being married, i guess...but there was something that felt like acceptance in this song that i was feeling a bit of healing from...a place to plant my feet for a little while...weird, i know, but i'm trusting myself here...(this last part was kind of forced, in case you didn't feel it...)


i think that's about all the influences i can handle writing about right now. i do have life to live and whatnot... oh! but i am starting dr. andrew weil's eight weeks to optimum health today.

(geez, if there was ever a time we could all use a little more health...)

so i'm off to buy some broccoli, some salmon, and some vitamin c...oh, and some fresh flowers...i'm supposed to get myself some fresh flowers, too...
peace

ps--i just watched the sheryl crowe video again...i might just be liking the dress and high heals with the electric guitar and strings section behind her...i don't know...i guess it really doesn't matter in the long run...snort. peas