some thoughts i just need to get out...

so first of all...it really bothers me that i'm calling it a countdown to the half marathon, but then i count UP...hello? so...i guess that makes today countdown day....uhm....four. well, that's kind of weird. but tomorrow will be three (again), ok? follow? this is just something i've been thinking about and need to do for myself.

and then there's that whole "what's in a name" post that i didn't wrap up too well. because i really have been thinking about it a lot. see, this guy left some not-too-nice posts on a friend's blog. well, it started out not-too-nice and then quickly progressed to pretty-freaking-vicious. which is fine... i mean, it's not, but i'm familiar with nastiness and am able to blow it off okgoodnuff. but this guy was saying he was being vicious and nasty in a desire to save someone...to help this friend...to promote positive action via anger, or something like that. which really struck a nerve for me. helping someone by hurting them... that has never, in all my life, made sense to me.

this guy said he was doing this out of a strong commitment to what is right. individualism vs. collectivism. he was trying to liberate this friend out of the bondage of her common friendships with everyone else... he really seemed to see himself as a trailblazer and, in a smaller sense, a messiah. he seemed to think he alone delivered the message of truth and happiness and freedom from depression, anxiety, low self esteem, fear, self loathing... but the thing is...he also seemed to be the only one who had the answers. no where in the things he said did i see him saying anyone else could know what might lead them on a brighter, lighter path. he held all the answers himself and if everyone would just do as he says, i guess the world would be a better, stronger place? i don't know.

i admire someone willing to stand up for what they believe in. i admire someone willing to go against the pack, if they feel that's necessary. because i know it can take a visionary to move a population out of a status quo that hurts or is wrong. but i also know there's a difference between leaders like gandhi and, say, david koresh. or jesus christ and charles manson. and i think it lies in what they ask of others, how and why they ask it, and the example they provide in their own lives.

i don't think this guy, or any of those guys, are necessarily bad people. but i do think that sometimes people get caught up in primarily fulfilling their own needs, and make bad decisions in meeting those needs. i think some people, for whatever reason, don't develop a sense of empathy or even respect for others, outside of those others' abilities to meet that primary person's needs. it's not always criminal, a least not in a judicial sense... but it is something that i've often tried to understand, wrap my brain around... maybe getting this out will let me move on to the next level of understanding?...

and the half marathon... i stood in poison ivy yesterday. accidentally, of course. i quickly washed my feet off with this stuff called tecnu and am hoping for the best. and i ran seven miles yesterday. which was a lot of work. my treadill cuts itself off after 100 minutes...thank god. my knees are a little sore this morning, but my knee supporting running tights are scheduled to get here friday, and i just can't even convey how happy that makes me. so i think i can do this. oh, and you burn over 1100 calories running seven miles....yeah, i think i really might have run off half my ass...woo-hoo!

kids are good, spouse is good...lots of thinks bumping around in my head...but consciously letting go of negative feelings that might come with some thoughts and allowing the rest to be neutral or even attaching some positive energy to them makes all the difference for me. thank you, thank you, thank you...
peace

what's in a name?

i guess the alternate title could be countdown day three...

so what's in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

shakespeare was right and i've been pondering this for a few days now... when someone hurts someone else and calls it helping, does that change anything? if we think we're human and someone calls us something less, does that change anything? well, i think it does....usually. but then what are we left with? what do you call that?

my sister loves her ex-girlfriend. her ex-girlfriend has a new girlfriend. my sister still has a vision in her mind of what could still be for them. and i hate watching her hurt... i want to tell her to replace that vision with something else...not to think about it. kind of like replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. but i can't. because i don't know that that would be the right thing to do... is this denial? an inability to "face facts"? or is it love? loyalty that we'll all admire when they're celebrating their tenth anniversary? i don't know. it's like a rose...it has thorns...but it still smells kind of sweet, too.

and i've never been able to find a crystal ball that works for me like the ones in the movies...

at my counseling session yesterday, we talked about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. thoughts are very powerful for me...the energy they carry can shape my day, my month, my year. but then i guess it's not necessarily the energy the thoughts carry as much as the energy that they are generated by. either way...work on shaping the thought, and you work on shaping your energy. this is powerful. i told my sons yesterday that they loved each other. that they "got" things about each other that the rest of the world probably would never "get". that they were going through some hard times, but that hard times were temporary and that their love would help them find their way to treating each other kindly and with respect and with care...even when they didn't think they felt like it. that love is a powerful motivator...and energy, but i didn't say that part.

i didn't have any doubts about using this tool with my sons in this way. i believe i need to leave them a legacy of hope and the power to carry it forward. but my sister...i'm not sure how to shape things with her...i don't really even think it's up to me. so i wished her peace and sent her my love...because those things i have zero doubt about. she's running this half marathon with me sunday. she's the one who asked me. she really gave me a chance to find something inside myself and while it hasn't been all hearts and flowers, i really appreciate this opportunity. i will return the favor one day...i will.

so what's in a name? i think it has to do with what we carry with us and send out to others. but that's about as far as i've gotten in figuring this one out... i'm ok with that. i don't know why i'm feeling so cheerful today...but i'm glad for it.
peace

ps--a mama on my apu board posted this essay, at this address, today...it's about the current democratic candidates, and it says a lot of what i feel.... (so there's my warning...) :) http://www.womensmediacenter.com/ex/020108.html