dare i be so bold...

as to say i'm back? it'd be nice...but maybe this is just another visit, i don't know. i blog all the time in my head, though. just never really have the time to sit down and type it out. there are so many other hundreds of things i haven't yet gotten to...things i'm pretty severely behind on...but here i sit. must be time, i guess.

so i had the baby. a girl, ifyoucanbelieveit. i'm having a hard time believing it myself. things i forgot about having a newborn...

it is exhausting. like, i know what exhausting means. i understand intellectually what it means when someone says they're exhausted. i've even described myself as exhausted, and i really thought i was at the time. but i don't know that i've really experienced exhaustion in its truest sense since my youngest son turned a year old. but now...oh, now...i am really getting reacquainted with exhaustion. and really, i'm being a weinie about it because my baby girl, she sleeps pretty well, nurses pretty well...shame on me for complaining. but i will add, as a disclaimer, that i'd been getting a good eight hours a night for at least four years, and this has been quite a descension, which spell check says is not a word, but i'm saying it is.

healing...i forgot what healing was like after birth.

well, i hear a sweet fragile little cry coming my way. and it makes my breasts feel as though they're going through the little roller thing at the car wash that you send the chamois through...can't think of the word for some reason. anyway...i'll try again tomorrow.

mostly, though, it's really good. my therapist said, "love always softens you." and it's true. we're all just gloppy gloopy messes around here. milk, tears, smiles, spit up, laughter, sometimes a little drool...i think she may be each of her brothers first true love...and we are all grateful.

peace

quickie

i went camping this weekend. it was so, so, soooooo much fun. like "aaahh, i needed that" kind of fun. sun, sweat, laughing, swimming, rowing, fire, communal sleep time, waking up and heading out immediately, consuming my morning caffeine in the sun, sitting still for a little while...these are things that heal, nurture, make me a better person and keep me from feeling like an alien in my life. my sister and her partner being there made it even better. it was awesome shmawesome.

so much i want to write about, but i feel so antsy in my head and in my body...maybe i should've stayed at inks lake a few days longer? i'll get to it...eventually.

peace

other side?...

san francisco was awesome. we did so much...alcatraz, california academy of sciences, exploratorium, chinatown (twice), cartoon museum, muir beach, muir woods, dim sum everyday (burp)...and i think that's it. add in a couple of different dinners, and a chocolate cooking class i took with my bil and niece, plus many bus rides and long, long walks, and that's about all we did. i was freaking exhausted when i got home.

i had a cold the whole time, but hope like hell i can get over it now that i'm able to sleep in my own bed.

and my grandmother died saturday while i was gone. my sister called to tell me (have i ever mentioned how i am soooo glad my sister is my sister? like i'd marry her if she weren't my sister, she's just that awesome). grandmother's funeral is next monday, so the kids and i will attend. and i am really glad i drove the sunday before we left for san francisco to say good-bye to her.

since we've been home...we've found what looked like wendy's sweet and sour sauce in our gas tank (after picking it up from the airport parking garage) and also found a $100 a month charge on our credit card (since last october) that's not ours. good thing we took a vacation before this crap, huh? so that's what we've been working on since yesterday.

much more stuff to write about, but things are still going kind of quickly...hopefully it'll settle a little more soon.

peace

whirlwind

it was a really busy weekend. full heart, full head...that kind of thing.

my sister graduated with her bachelor's in computer science thursday night. she is thirty. we don't do the "send your child to college and they'll work on just getting their education and maybe party a little" in my family. us kids feel the need to do other stuff besides just work on our education...most of it seems pretty stupid from a distance, but it really does turn us into fairly brilliant folks...snort. no really...it's all good. but it was awesome watching her walk the stage. i was really, really proud of her.

we had a grand dinner out afterward...sushi and saki. good god, my head hurt the whole next day. but we laughed so hard, my abs were sore that night and the next day. and it wasn't even the young folks making the ruckus...it was the old ones. man, those guys are hilarious...and nasty, too. i almost clamped my hand over my father's mouth at one point...sheesh. but it heals everything at least a little when you share that much fun and joy and humor...this much i know.

then...we surprised my sister with a party last night. now, let me explain...we do not do surprises in my family. no one likes them. it makes us feel kind of stupid...like everyone else was in on a joke we were left out of. there's lies and betrayal involved in surprising someone. and i suck at lying...i mean really REALLY suck at lying. so of course, i got to spend the whole day with my sister before her party yesterday. friends calling her, acting like they're at work, in their hometowns, etc...and i'm just looking out the window lest i smile and she figure out they're lying. she had no clue. she was so surprised. she contemplated...i could see it in her eyes...whether to kill us or love us. i think it took her about a half an hour to figure out which way she was going. she opted for happiness instead of homicide. it was good...

so once i carried my exhausted ass into my own bed last night, i was delirious with all the great stuff of the previous two days. it was awesome. now, i have to admit, there were other things of the weekend to chew on...a top to my bottom, so to speak...but right now, i am happy for my sister...happy she finished her degree...happy she has such a sweet girlfriend...happy she's had so many supporting her and loving her...and happy she decided not to kill us last night.
peace

a new month!

which means my long assed list of blogs for november disappears...i love this. it is so tidy. i think this is how life should be, sort of. december first...all the november bullshit gets put away...

i have had a bit of disappointment today...the-rapist cancelled on me. it had been a month, hello? but she had a friend die and needed to attend the funeral. i can be understanding about this, i swear i can be. but you know that inner two year old i talk about sometimes? yeah, well, i'm trying to ignore her. but two year olds get so fucking loud when you ignore them...

i did talk to my sister today. and that was lovely. i was missing her, but now i'm not.

i don't know how this day is going to go...i really was looking forward to getting counseled today. i was going to ask advice on communication...anyone got any worth sharing? how to do it? how to make it better? how to make it a little less like slamming your head against the proverbial brick wall?...which is no softer, for the record, just because it's proverbial.

ok, i am tired. i need to go have some caffeine today. i think i'll be back later to post...yes, yes, already cluttering up the december blog list...
peace

marathon lessons

ok, so i didn't win. (snort...my bil, for some reason, kept reminding me of the purse in this marathon, which was annoying after the second or third time...it was this implication that if i was going to run, i might as well try to win or something...buzzkill...)

but i did finish. and i did shave about twelve minutes off of my time in february. my sister had the goal that we'd finish in under three hours. and i admit, i thought that goal was kind of crazy since she hadn't run in two months prior to the half marathon and i hadn't run the two weeks prior. but, like this shirt i saw on the course (and as the mandela quote on the right reminded me of, too)...marathons are the triumph of desire over reason. and my sister and i experienced that triumph yesterday...it was awesome. (we finished in two hours, fifty-nine minutes, and thirty-seven seconds...shweet)

but triumph and awesome-ness sometimes hurt like hell. and my sister and i are also experiencing that today. oh yeah baby...can you say hobble? well, i can. (and i mean i can hobble...not just say it...hope, we didn't do too well without you to remind us to stretch afterward...oh well...it was humbling and we'll never forget again, i'm sure.)

but let me tell you something about my sister and i. or something i learned about my sister and i. or something i figured out about my sister and i. we are good partners in these kind of deals. because she is stubborn and cynical and freaking hilarious. (there was this moment that i don't think i'll ever forget...strangely it was one of my favorite half marathon moments...where we ran by this guy in a banana suit and my sister looked him in the eye and started shouting "peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time" and the guy's eye lit up and he and his friends and my sister finished this little chant from family guy that she showed me last night so i'd get it...but it was so random and so hilarious and this is the stuff my sister excels at.) anyway, she thinks i'd leave her in the dust if i didn't run with her. and i did pull her along a little at the end. it was a sweet moment when i told her we could make her goal even if we walked, but that we'd have to walk faster and she looked at me and said, not all yelling at me either, "but i am walking fast" and suddenly looked like a little kid again. anyway, what she doesn't know is that i may be able to run longer, or ignore the pain better than her (i HAVE had four children to her never even had intercourse, you know...), but i would never be able to do this without her. there are things she believes about me and limbs she is willing to walk out on with me that no one else in this world would even consider. and for that, i am strong. well, i'm sure working out and training has a little to do with being strong, but it makes me determined...and there's a lot of strength in that, too.

we had a big cheerleading section at the seventh mile marker yesterday. my mom. my spouse and kids. my bff from high school and her partner. that awesome friend i was writing about awhile back who plays beautiful music. and also my sister's new girlfriend, who i really like a lot and is already part of our family. i cannot tell you what a lift seeing all of them was.

and i told my cyber mama tribe i would be thinking about them while i ran. and i did. they are such a diverse, strong, gentle group of women.

so of all the shirts i saw that were inspiring...

the older i get, the faster i was

on a really long beer run

marathon, the triumph of desire over reason

who moved the finish line?

i know i run like a girl, try to keep up.

and my personal favorite, does this shirt make my butt look fast?

i have to go with...13.1 miles and still smiling.
peace

roll call of sorts

so sometimes it feels weird to post about the emotions of a weekend and find them so completely untied in to what was actually going on that weekend...what my family did...the fact that we had a lot of fun together...stuff like that.

so i thought i'd post a little about what we did this weekend.

friday my parents came to visit. we were at the park when they got to our town. we'd just finished planning next semester for the co-op we participate in...very exciting stuff. then we picked up lunch and came home to meet my dad and step mom. it was very nice, very cool hanging out with them, watching them watch their grandchildren...you know, just normal old sharing space stuff. then they left to visit my grandparents, who have alzheimer's and dementia a few more hours up the road.

then my friend julie came to stay the weekend. she bought us all tickets to the renaissance festival for my children's birthdays. it was an awesome gift. we left saturday morning, after my dh finished rounding on his patients. we met my sister and her partner, who we were meeting for the first time. it was a lot of fun. we got to see the birds of prey show (a MUST SEE every time we've ever been), the other brothers (a comedy/juggling act that my spouse, i'm pretty sure, wants to be when he grows up), and the joust. my sister and her partner took the bigs to the ded bob show, too... then we threw chinese stars, axes, knives, catapulted frogs, rode in giant swings...it was great fun. the weather was absolutely beautiful and the company was the best. it had just been so long since we'd had time together, as a family and with a group of friends, doing something so completely leisurely...it was healing.

and then yesterday, as often happens when julie visits, she convinced me i can cook anything...so cabbage rolls were on the menu last night, and a cabbage casserole (to use up the rest of the head of cabbage) and a pumpkin pie. my bil, sil, and nephew came to visit, which always makes me very happy, and we all had a good time talking, laughing, playing with baby s, my two year old nephew.

yesterday was also remarkable because each of my guys got time alone, which is pretty rare. my oldest biked to his robotics team meeting and back. my second born had his robotics meeting. my third born went fishing with dad. and my youngest went to the grocery store with mama (he chose this, i swear...it wasn't a dead end field trip). julie stayed home and read twilight, which i believe i have gotten her addicted to.

so while i was having my kfkd delusions and feeling like an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, there were really quite a few great things going on around me that i was also able to participate in and enjoy. i am grateful for the time with loved ones this weekend. ken always reminds me there are chains of gold and chains of iron. the real kicker is that i'm starting to realize we get to choose our chains...letting go of some of them is kind of hard. yep...

here's the song i woke up to playing in my head...don't think it was kfkd playing this morning...must've bumped the dial... :)


uhm, yeah, this video was taken at a barnes and nobles in minneapolis...wow...
peace

my sister is hilarious

(even if she won't stop squishing herself...)

thanks for sending this to me and srry for squishing u...

peace

ps--and prayers for mama jess from my cyber tribe, please...it's funny how much you can love people you've never met. but she's an amazing mama with beautiful kids and she's in the hospital right now, so let's raise her up as best we can...

some fragments of a tuesday

tuesdays are really busy days. co-op til noon and then rock climbing til 3pm. drop off an extra kiddo we have afterward and we're usually home around four. so although i rarely blog on tuesdays (i think), there were just some things i needed to put on here to remember...

--conversation in my car...we were listening to iron man by black sabbath.

extra child says, "i think ozzy osbourne is blind."
my teenager says, "no, he just wears those glasses that make him look like john lennon."
extra child says, "oh, like the beetle your brother found today."
teenager says, "well, i named him john lennon because he was a beatle and it was a beetle, you know?"
then teenager and extra child look at each other, and both say, at the same time, "scarab rock!"

it cracked me up to hear the conversation go from ozzy and black sabbath to john lennon and the beatles and then jump, suddenly, to smashing pumpkins...and that all of those things are things they share a common knowledge of and interest in...

--earlier today, during the biology class at the co-op, the biology kids were doing a lab on bacteria. they were using petri dishes to grow out bacteria, but also testing different antiseptic or antibacterial solutions to see which were more effective against which bacteria. teacher asked them to take their swabs and swab "germy places." three kids swabbed the light switches or door knobs or whatever...one kid swabbed his butt. telling you, you gotta watch out for those hsers...they know no boundaries... (i LOVE this story...the kid's dad is a doc, i'll mention in case any one's grossed out by the idea...)

--my kids were rocking the whole rock climbing thing today. they really have gotten so good at it...and they still seem to love it so much. i hope their love lasts...until about next august...then i think it'd be fine for them to find something else to love and be good at...preferably something a little cheaper...

--i got to meet my friend's mom today. she brought the monkeys to co-op while my friend is out of town. what a nice, nice woman. i really love the community we have going at co-op. it feels tenuous at times, and that's probably more my shit than anything else, but i still really appreciate the community.

--and i had this weird break through in my head about my mom today. i was thinking about the wedding i'd been to...all the lesbian couples there. and, for some reason, my brain started playing with the idea of how she'd handle it if i were in a lesbian relationship, while i was doing stuff like brushing my teeth, and my hair, whatnot... anyway, i could hear my mom getting all sanctimonious about what is right and wrong and moral or immoral...yes, i realize i'm making this up...i've learned to just give my subconscious a little free reign in getting me to understand some of the stuff she knows...so anyway, my mom's getting all sanctimonious, and i'm telling her it's fine, that i didn't expect her to understand or be okay with this. BUT, i tell her, BUT i want you to know that i'm pissed off and disappointed with you, too. yes, this is pretty different for me to say to her. so i proceed to tell her that my whole childhood was about her dating, about her marriages, about her divorces...that comparatively, little of my childhood was about my life. and that she can tell me all she wants about how she judges my choices, or the choices of the world, and that i would never, EVER tell her how i judge hers, but that she's kidding herself if she thinks all of that was just water under the bridge, and that it in no way affected the child she brought along for the ride in those years. and since she's always bringing the bible into stuff, isn't there something about people in glass houses and throwing stones?...

like i said, it was all in my head. but i'd been thinking a lot about my anger toward my mom. and how to get to the bottom of it...you know, in order to start really letting it go instead of just avoiding it. and i don't know if this is the bottom of it...but it felt like a start to getting there. and yeah, after i finished that line of thought, i just finished getting dressed and went to co-op. weird, isn't it?

--i was consumed by and eventually gave into a need for fried okra. no, i don't always understand these things...

--my sister had an ultrasound on her breast today. they skipped the mammogram. i don't know what it is about our funky genes, but i had my first breast ultrasound at 22 and she's 30... so that was part of my day, too.

there was other stuff. the kid in my art class who complained when, after laying out his collage, i asked him to glue it to the page. he said, "can't we just watch tv or play video games instead?" that was a little mind boggling... when my philosophy class finally understood why friendship could be defined as meeting yourself in another person and holding on. hearing the grammar class sing iron man...it was really kind of cute and made me wonder what the hell they were doing in there...but in a way that made me smile, of course.

so there...i took a little time to think clearly on a tuesday. along with the laundry and getting everyone fed and driven around and dropped off relatively on time, i'd say i've covered ALL my bases today...
peace

quickie

we went to visit dh's family this weekend...

prayers for my niece who is due friday, on 08-08-08. she looks wonderful, she and her husband are the kindest people, and i can't wait to meet this baby.

i am worn and feeling quite vulnerable after not having a weekend at home for a month. and spending time with my in laws, particularly one brother in law who is so fixated on insults lately, only exacerbates the weariness and defensiveness. but some time at home should help with this.

i think my kids feel much of the same.

we need to join a local gym so that we may start swimming daily (or near daily). we did some of that this weekend and the kids neeeeeeeeeeed that.

i bought all four of the stephanie meyers vampire books this weekend and am on the third one...halfway through it. my oldest son has been reading them, too, and is waiting for me to finish the third. i can't explain what is so compelling...i called them sweet valley high but with vampires. i do want to say, from what i remember of sweet valley high, that the writing of these books is a lot better and the plots are more intricate. but i can't help that i think they are also really sweet books and i am really enjoying them.

married life wasn't so hard this weekend.

there is another relationship that i am doing some meditating on... a friend i had not spoken to in a long time. and she's having a hard time.

and my sister's been in philadelphia all weekend attending a family wedding. so i've been thinking about her lots, too.

oh, and my niece who is moving three and a half hours away to begin her own journey with medical school. she got her first new car last week and moved into her apartment over the weekend. i know she is nervous. i know her family will ache sometimes with her absence. and i know everything will be great, too.

peace

good byes

my grandmother buried her sister today. well, she didn't exactly dig the hole or anything, but she went through all the rituals, ceremonies, services, and hymns. i've never seen her cry like that before. i'm sure she cried hard when my grandfather died thirty-four years ago, but since that was, like, a few months after i was born...i don't really remember it.

my grandmother is eighty-five years old. and she is quite spry for an eighty-five year old, let me tell you. her sister was eighty-eight and not really as spry, but still very stern and german and tough, which my grandmother is, too. they used to speak german to each other...we could never tell if it was habit or because they were saying great interesting things they didn't want us to hear. whichever it was, she never taught us any german.

anyway...we said good bye to my great aunt today. (and the minister that spoke at her services...i don't know what was up with him...but he pretty much shut the door on my aunt velma today...no living in the memories and hearts of those who loved her, no living legacy of her love shared...nothing...just the pain of good bye and trust in the lord to take her home...but then we prayed that jesus would recognize her as one of his lambs and, i mean really, how much can you trust a deity that you have to ask to recognize one of his children?...i don't know....it was really kind of weird but different strokes, different folks, etc, i suppose...) i told my grandmother i loved her. and even though i'm rarely around her, i really do. i didn't know her sister very well, to be honest. but i ached deeply for her loss as i felt my grandmother tremble at it. and i admit, i was glad my own sister was there to share the experience.

i was going to add some more quotes from the book i was reading. i finished it last night. but i can do that tomorrow. tonight is also my spouse and my anniversary. with the way things have been lately, it'd been kind of easy to just let it go...but i'm smarter than that. we won't do anything huge, but we will share it and at the least be aware. at the least...sometimes that's the biggest thing lacking...awareness. but i'm working on it.
peace

sometimes you just have to laugh

my sister, who has had a rough few days, sent me this out of the blue. yes, sister, sometimes you just have to laugh...and i appreciate you reminding me.

weekend recap

a friend of mine came up thursday to stay for a few days. and then my sister came up friday night. it was a busy, fun, gentle, wonderful weekend... (yes, sister...i know you had nothing to do with the gentle stuff...whatever)

i already blogged on friday. i think all that's left to say there is that the bread came out really good, the mozzarella? notsomuch. but, like everything, it was a learning experience. some family also joined us friday evening, and while i was completely exhausted by the time i went to bed, i also had a really great day.

saturday, dh and my sis and i got up and took two cars to get tires done on them, ran dh by the hospital to check in a patient, then we went back and picked up the cars that i couldn't believe were ready. that is, by far, the fastest i've ever seen tires done on a car. it was, well, obviously remarkable...

then we went on a hike for awhile...that was fun. my only regret? i didn't take my camera. but the eight of us had a really good time and saw some really beautiful things...caves, springs, small waterfalls...also some indiana jones-ish ants in the springs, somehow gathering and eating whatever small things they could find even though they seemed to be transported by moving water that they had no control over...and what were they eating? bugs, leaves, fingers, i don't know. they were a little creepy.

then we went to a lake and swam for awhile. the lake was choppy, we all got too much sun, and the fruit was gritty...we had a blast. we never did put the kayaks in, but we did find a great spot to try next time. and we can take the dogs next time, too.

so this morning, it was my sister and i and the kids, on our own. dh was on call. we had a good time. made homemade cinnamon rolls. bought a video game. went to the pet store. bought a friend for amy...named her annie. she's sooooo cute. bought my oldest a few fish for his tank, too. and listened to the "specialty" dog food woman talk so we could get the free sample. (woo!) fun times, fun times.

so everyone is gone now. dh isn't home yet. i'm trying to enjoy the quiet and also let the let-down of the party being over pass through me, too. it was sure fun while it lasted, though...

i still had my morbidly intense moments this weekend, but the weekend wasn't defined by them. i also ate some crappy junk food this weekend...but i'm not defined by that either. i've practiced letting emotions be and go without holding on to them all weekend. and it's felt good...felt right. but it does make who i feel like i "am" a little more fluid, a little more dynamic. and i kind of like that, too...

ok, i'm off to handle my mice for awhile...and anything else i can remember i've been "meaning to do..."
peace

cleaning up and resting

so my sister came to visit me. she brought my niece, punkin (aka pk), and we had a really nice evening. well, except for that part where she saw my gmail inbox and was appalled at the over 10,000 messages in my inbox. so she set out to clean out my gmail account, creating folders, labels, color-coordinating...she's all "computer science" like that... and i ran across this post on a yahoo group that dissolved a long time ago that made me smile. i was reading anne lamott's fiction book, joe jones, at the time and this passage had caught my attention...

"Left to its own devices, her mind is a fat hummingbird flitting
through leafy trees of anxiety, apology, sorrow, excuses, and dreams
of grandeur, dreams of humiliation. Sometimes she watches it run
off, and it makes her laugh and shake her head. It's like a video
game. Bright fast blips of worry and anger come at her, and after
fending them off, she's attacked by the huge lumbering
Czechoslovakian blobs of tiredness and broken-spiritedness which
break into smaller, faster missiles of regret when she fires at
them. What a half-baked species we are, she thinks, and does what
she can to make her insides more habitable."

it still makes me laugh. and i still believe annie wrote that whole book to put that hilarious and brilliant paragraph in...

also, i think we are all getting strep throat in my house. headaches, fever, sore throats, and eventually spots in throats. i'm amazed how everyone in my family, except my spouse, seems to be in some phase of this. ibuprofen, the new white meat...

cooperative efforts seem to be attracting cooperative folks...this boosters my confidence in the universe. as well as soothes some of my anxieties. because i've been taking some hits in the hsing front these days. marriage shifts and life shifts and hsing shifts have all converged for a huge upheaval this past week. i so appreciate the hands that kept me on my feet and the words that helped light up corners where the flame was getting a little weak. i am amazed by the wisdom that finds me and deems me worthy to share with, but then i have to remind myself that there is a certain wisdom in me to respect and embrace others, too. such a bunch of wise guys are we, eh?

ok, back to the resting part...
peace

crushing

keeping with the chipping theme...but really it's a crushing pain in my head. there are things pollinating here that i haven't had the opportunity to experience yet since we moved out here last june. my sinuses are revolting. and my whole face hurts...

the man i spoke of last night was leonard cohen. here's a well-known song he wrote...he has such a deep voice, although it's quite different to watch him in a video versus hearing his voice over the radio...



my heart was breaking today. maybe it was my face...maybe it's my hormones...maybe it's my sister's ex-girlfriend disappearing and my sister being so worried, but also so experienced and wise to the whole thing. there are so many things i am so naive about...addiction is one of them. and we are all so broken in our own ways. and while other people's brokenness may seem so much more extreme, so much more dysfunctional, i just know deep down we are so much more the same than we are different. maybe i just need an anti-depressant...

ok, that's about all the thinking i can handle...the crushing commences. but if i go back to the rock analogy, maybe this is just my brain taking care of all those useless worries bouncing around in my head all day?
peace/piece

weebly wobbly

when i was a kid we had these toys called weeble wobbles. my sister had cars and a whole house for them. they were neat. egg shaped plastic things with faces under the plastic surface. like people. always ended up upright. and i mean always...my sister and i used to try to get them to stay laying down a lot.

so the fun part of weeble wobbles (besides saying it) was watching them move, because once they were still, they were like any other little people-ish toy. i loved flicking them and watching them rock, sway....like a pendulum. til they found their center and quit moving.

i am not a weeble wobble...although if you took my legs off, i'd be remarkably shaped like one. but i don't have a center that keeps me from moving...i am always rocking, swaying...inside, outside....literally, figuratively. well, not in my sleep.... anyway... i am feeling pretty emotional still. but also wanting to get on with regular old boring life... appreciative and petty, generous and self-centered, understanding and intolerant, like i'm part of something huge and like i'm the center of the freaking universe...all at the same time. weeble....wobble.....

i'm alright...i'm not. i guess the average is somewhere in between.

i love my kids. and my husband...well, i know he's a good person.....even when he makes me kind of crazy. and i'm going to finally plant my seeds for my garden i will plant this spring. these things i know...i'm fairly solid on them. kids, spouse, and gardening...my trinity for the day, i guess...

peace

what's in a name?

i guess the alternate title could be countdown day three...

so what's in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

shakespeare was right and i've been pondering this for a few days now... when someone hurts someone else and calls it helping, does that change anything? if we think we're human and someone calls us something less, does that change anything? well, i think it does....usually. but then what are we left with? what do you call that?

my sister loves her ex-girlfriend. her ex-girlfriend has a new girlfriend. my sister still has a vision in her mind of what could still be for them. and i hate watching her hurt... i want to tell her to replace that vision with something else...not to think about it. kind of like replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. but i can't. because i don't know that that would be the right thing to do... is this denial? an inability to "face facts"? or is it love? loyalty that we'll all admire when they're celebrating their tenth anniversary? i don't know. it's like a rose...it has thorns...but it still smells kind of sweet, too.

and i've never been able to find a crystal ball that works for me like the ones in the movies...

at my counseling session yesterday, we talked about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. thoughts are very powerful for me...the energy they carry can shape my day, my month, my year. but then i guess it's not necessarily the energy the thoughts carry as much as the energy that they are generated by. either way...work on shaping the thought, and you work on shaping your energy. this is powerful. i told my sons yesterday that they loved each other. that they "got" things about each other that the rest of the world probably would never "get". that they were going through some hard times, but that hard times were temporary and that their love would help them find their way to treating each other kindly and with respect and with care...even when they didn't think they felt like it. that love is a powerful motivator...and energy, but i didn't say that part.

i didn't have any doubts about using this tool with my sons in this way. i believe i need to leave them a legacy of hope and the power to carry it forward. but my sister...i'm not sure how to shape things with her...i don't really even think it's up to me. so i wished her peace and sent her my love...because those things i have zero doubt about. she's running this half marathon with me sunday. she's the one who asked me. she really gave me a chance to find something inside myself and while it hasn't been all hearts and flowers, i really appreciate this opportunity. i will return the favor one day...i will.

so what's in a name? i think it has to do with what we carry with us and send out to others. but that's about as far as i've gotten in figuring this one out... i'm ok with that. i don't know why i'm feeling so cheerful today...but i'm glad for it.
peace

ps--a mama on my apu board posted this essay, at this address, today...it's about the current democratic candidates, and it says a lot of what i feel.... (so there's my warning...) :) http://www.womensmediacenter.com/ex/020108.html